An Expensive Life

Life on this planet is expensive. Never is that more apparent than in the midst of personal tragedy. When we say good-bye to a dear friend or dear friends. Even if we know that we will see them again in Heaven, it is so hard to say good-bye. To keep going. The hardest is to be a survivor sometimes.

I know what she went through before she died. The fear, the pain, the humiliation, but mostly the fear. To die in a horrible way is just so tragic, and to do so young. One minute you are alive, and the next minute you are gone. Life is so precious and fragile.

Trying to cope, even as a Christian is hard. Just because we have Christ, doesn't keep us from going through the stages of grief. Sometimes I'm fine, I can be around people and no one would know what is going on. I'm good at putting on a different mask, got a lot of practice during my freshman and sophomore years of college. Yet, inside my heart is broken. I am in the abyss of fear, memories, and grief.

Why did I survive freshman year, and she didn't last week? I try not to ask the why's too often, because I feel it can be arrogant, in other words, why not me? Am I so special that I shouldn't have to go through life's crap? The answer of course is "no". I'm a sinner in need of grace. More grace than many people I know.

Yet, grief, saying good-bye sucks. Big time sucks. I still love Christ, and I know He loves me. I have to keep reminding myself that, because at times like this it is hard to see and feel His love. Times like this when I feel like yelling at God, these are times when I should be running to Him, and I am. The more I am tempted to yell at God, the more I need to run to Him. I read the Psalms, and Job. Poor Job. He went through so much, and still loved God. What a role model.

So, to cope I just take it one hour at a time. I have plans, but right now I'm focusing on each hour. Can I make it to 11pm? With God's love yes I can. At the end, I will be able to minister to others who have to deal with grief. I wish I didn't have to go through it, but I know that God is going to use this. He has promised to turn what Satan means for evil into good. In the end good will triumph over evil. Jesus will kick Satan's ass, and we will reign with Christ in a new heaven and earth. That is how I cope with this pain of life. I focus on each hour, and the promises of Christ.

I remember that I am not alone. I have the wonderfulest friends and family, and mostly I have Christ. I yearn to have my friend back, to give her one last hug, to make one more memory with her, but I know that God is with me, and her chapter is over, but mine isn't and I must focus on Him and continue to do His will.

This life is expensive. We pay for our sins with our lives. We pay for being human in tears. Yet, for Christians the end is Heaven. Forever with Christ. As expensive and painful as this life can be, the next one is going to infinately awesome. Pain and tears will be gone, and replaced by all the glory and majesty that we can only imagine. Sorry if I rambled a bit tonight, my thoughts don't make much sense in my head, so they probably don't on page either. But, I'm doing my best.
"I can only imagine..."