Have you ever had days, weeks, months, maybe even years where Christianity is just tough? I have lately.
I love the Lord. I do. I love God and I am eternally grateful that I'll get to spend eternity with Him in heaven. Which leads me to wonder, why do I have such a hard time living the Christian life?
I love to read, yet lately reading the Bible has seem liked a chore. The Bible is God's love letter to each of us. I love to read notes my Prince Charming has written to me, so shouldn't want to read God's love note even more? So, on top of not wanting to dig into the word, I have guilt over it. And yes, maybe the guilt is there to spur me to do it.
I also do things that I know I shouldn't do. I watch shows that I know are not uplifting. I know that if I was a more devout Christian I wouldn't do some of the things that I am doing.
So, what do I do to get out of the rut. Because I want to be that person that God knows I can be. I do love Him, but right now I am having a hard time manifesting that love into a desire to be and do good. I remember when I couldn't get enough of prayer and Scripture.
Maybe I just need to take a time out and refocus. I don't know. But I do want to get back on tack. I guess the desire to do good is a good sign. For awhile I didn't even care. But, now I do care. I just need to find a way to move beyond trying and into doing.
Friday, September 17, 2010
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
WHY?
Dear Lord,
I love You very much and I know that You love me too. But, I do have some questions for You. Questions that maybe should have been asked years ago, but I was not ready to ask them yet. I think that I am now. I also believe that deep down I know what the answers are going to be, but I still need to ask the questions.
I wouldn't change the fact that I can rest in Your love these days, but it has been a really hard to get here. I know that You were there the night I was raped, the fact that I'm still alive is a testiment to that. The fact that a few months later when You wouldn't let the pills kill me, like I planned, well that is further testiment to Your presence. So I know that You love me. I am finally ready to ask why though. Why did things happen the way they did? Why are so many women raped every year, why haven't You come back and put an end to all the evil?
I know that I'm not the only one with questions, and I'm not questioning your existence, because I believe that you are here, so maybe it is your tactics I'm questioning. I'm not even sure. There is a lot that I want to know, that I want to understand.
I also want to know why, if purity is so important to You, why is rape so common? It is estimated that 25% of women will be sexually assualted sometime in their life. That is a low ball estimate, because so few of us report the crime, I was one of those. I chose silence. Yes, that is what I felt would help me survive. Rape is not something we ask for, so why do You allow it to be so rampant?
You are GOD- you are almighty, all-powerful, you are in control, you love each of us. Yet, vilolent crimes occur ALL the time. Not only do vilolent crimes happen way too frequently, but all the pain that people feel- from losing a spouse, a child, friend, family member, to health and emotional problems of our own.
I know the Bible says this is not how You designed the world to function. Your design was perfection and bliss. We humans screwed things up. Yet, it is easily in Your power to come back and claim Your rightful title as ruler. So, what is keeping you?
No matter what the answers to all my questions, I will still love you, because you loved me enough to make a way for me to escape an eternity of pain and spend eternity in bliss with you. My love won't change, but maybe my understand will.
You Loving Child
I love You very much and I know that You love me too. But, I do have some questions for You. Questions that maybe should have been asked years ago, but I was not ready to ask them yet. I think that I am now. I also believe that deep down I know what the answers are going to be, but I still need to ask the questions.
I wouldn't change the fact that I can rest in Your love these days, but it has been a really hard to get here. I know that You were there the night I was raped, the fact that I'm still alive is a testiment to that. The fact that a few months later when You wouldn't let the pills kill me, like I planned, well that is further testiment to Your presence. So I know that You love me. I am finally ready to ask why though. Why did things happen the way they did? Why are so many women raped every year, why haven't You come back and put an end to all the evil?
I know that I'm not the only one with questions, and I'm not questioning your existence, because I believe that you are here, so maybe it is your tactics I'm questioning. I'm not even sure. There is a lot that I want to know, that I want to understand.
I also want to know why, if purity is so important to You, why is rape so common? It is estimated that 25% of women will be sexually assualted sometime in their life. That is a low ball estimate, because so few of us report the crime, I was one of those. I chose silence. Yes, that is what I felt would help me survive. Rape is not something we ask for, so why do You allow it to be so rampant?
You are GOD- you are almighty, all-powerful, you are in control, you love each of us. Yet, vilolent crimes occur ALL the time. Not only do vilolent crimes happen way too frequently, but all the pain that people feel- from losing a spouse, a child, friend, family member, to health and emotional problems of our own.
I know the Bible says this is not how You designed the world to function. Your design was perfection and bliss. We humans screwed things up. Yet, it is easily in Your power to come back and claim Your rightful title as ruler. So, what is keeping you?
No matter what the answers to all my questions, I will still love you, because you loved me enough to make a way for me to escape an eternity of pain and spend eternity in bliss with you. My love won't change, but maybe my understand will.
You Loving Child
Monday, September 6, 2010
Wondering
Sometimes I wonder, and I'm being totally serious here, but sometimes I wonder just how important things are to God.
I believe that God created the universe. I'm not totally convinced that He did it in 6 24 hour days, but I believe that He could have. I believe that man was created perfect, but Adam and Eve chose to sin and since we are all descendants of Adam, we all have a sinful nature. I believe that since we are sinful and can't make it to Heaven on our own, God came down to earth as Jesus, lived a perfect life (because he was from Eve not Adam) and sacrificed himself on the cross, died and defeated eternal death by coming back to life. I believe that Christ is in heaven now, with all the believers that have lived and died. I believe that He is coming back some day. I believe in Hell and that if you chose to not accept Christ's gift, you will go to Hell. Sorry- but it is the truth.
That is what I believe. If you follow my logic it means that Christ loves us-he died for us, that is pretty big love. And I believe that He sends the Holy Spirit into our lives to help us, because this life isn't easy. I believe that some things are pretty important to God, and others are maybe not so much.
Purity is one of those things I wonder about. I believe (or maybe I just need to believe, but it boils down to the same thing these days for me) that if my purity (sexually here folks) was that important to God, he would not have allowed me to be raped brutally by 2 bastards. He is GOD, he controls the universe. Yes, we have free will, but He still could have stopped it. Caused it to rain, so those guys would choose to stay inside-they still have their choice. But, God chose to remain out of the picture.
If my purity was as important as church people want you think it is, than God could have protected me, and he could protect the millions of other women (and men) that are raped every year. It is low ball estimated that 25% of women will experience some form of sexual assault in her lifetime. That is a HUGE #. How important is purity to God?
And if it isn't that important to Him-where do I draw the line. I'm not the type to go out and sleep with every Tom, Dick and Harry I saw, but neither am I a wedding day virgin. I've had sex and some of it (most of it) has been by choice-my choice. Yet all we hear about these days is how "True Love Waits"
Don't get me wrong, I think it is great to wait till marriage. Your virginity is something that you can only give away once, so choose wisely. And after that, remember that no matter what Hollywood says, or what your schoolmates say, you do give part of yourself to every person you have sex with. AND-if that is not enough there are always STI's to worry about. If you only ever sleep with your spouse, than the chances of contracting an STI go WAY WAY down. That is a good thing. There are enough ways to get sick--why go looking for them!?!
So, I'm not advocating a sex free for all, I'm advocating wisdom, but I am wondering how important it REALLY is to God and I'm finally getting around to asking Him "why?" I've never asked Him why it happened to me, because that felt selfish, why not me I would say. But I think I want an answer.
I believe that God created the universe. I'm not totally convinced that He did it in 6 24 hour days, but I believe that He could have. I believe that man was created perfect, but Adam and Eve chose to sin and since we are all descendants of Adam, we all have a sinful nature. I believe that since we are sinful and can't make it to Heaven on our own, God came down to earth as Jesus, lived a perfect life (because he was from Eve not Adam) and sacrificed himself on the cross, died and defeated eternal death by coming back to life. I believe that Christ is in heaven now, with all the believers that have lived and died. I believe that He is coming back some day. I believe in Hell and that if you chose to not accept Christ's gift, you will go to Hell. Sorry- but it is the truth.
That is what I believe. If you follow my logic it means that Christ loves us-he died for us, that is pretty big love. And I believe that He sends the Holy Spirit into our lives to help us, because this life isn't easy. I believe that some things are pretty important to God, and others are maybe not so much.
Purity is one of those things I wonder about. I believe (or maybe I just need to believe, but it boils down to the same thing these days for me) that if my purity (sexually here folks) was that important to God, he would not have allowed me to be raped brutally by 2 bastards. He is GOD, he controls the universe. Yes, we have free will, but He still could have stopped it. Caused it to rain, so those guys would choose to stay inside-they still have their choice. But, God chose to remain out of the picture.
If my purity was as important as church people want you think it is, than God could have protected me, and he could protect the millions of other women (and men) that are raped every year. It is low ball estimated that 25% of women will experience some form of sexual assault in her lifetime. That is a HUGE #. How important is purity to God?
And if it isn't that important to Him-where do I draw the line. I'm not the type to go out and sleep with every Tom, Dick and Harry I saw, but neither am I a wedding day virgin. I've had sex and some of it (most of it) has been by choice-my choice. Yet all we hear about these days is how "True Love Waits"
Don't get me wrong, I think it is great to wait till marriage. Your virginity is something that you can only give away once, so choose wisely. And after that, remember that no matter what Hollywood says, or what your schoolmates say, you do give part of yourself to every person you have sex with. AND-if that is not enough there are always STI's to worry about. If you only ever sleep with your spouse, than the chances of contracting an STI go WAY WAY down. That is a good thing. There are enough ways to get sick--why go looking for them!?!
So, I'm not advocating a sex free for all, I'm advocating wisdom, but I am wondering how important it REALLY is to God and I'm finally getting around to asking Him "why?" I've never asked Him why it happened to me, because that felt selfish, why not me I would say. But I think I want an answer.
Wednesday, September 1, 2010
One Holy Mess
Do you ever wonder what God thinks when He looks down at you? I'm talking to fellow believers here. I know He looks at me with love, and through the blood of Christ. But, often I wonder what He sees when He looks at me, because seriously folks, I'm not pretty. Now I'm not talking about outward appearance (though I would like to lose weight, get a nose job and enhance a certain other area, while tightening up the area where I sit!), I am talking about the part that is me.
There are days, weeks, months even where I just don't feel lovable. It isn't depression, and it isn't that I don't feel loved. It is more that I'm acutely aware of how undeserving I am of being loved by HOLY, RIGHTEOUS, PERFECT God. I'm no one. In fact, I'm not just a nobody, I'm a daily screw up. I don't always read my Bible. I sometimes dash off a prayer, and it is real generic. I'll speed, I'm not always that wise with the finances (not that they are that much)that HE has blessed me with. I could go on, naming sins and things I do that are not even up to my standards, let alone God's.
It makes me wonder. Does He really think there is hope that I'll get better? I try, I really do. But I always fall short. I'm never going to be good enough and that is just depressing. I am one holy mess, and I hate that. I hate that I fail so often and in so many basic ways. I hate that I give in to sin and the schemes of the Devil, when my heart wants to do the right thing.
It is at times like these that I take refuge in the life of Paul. If anyone was a holy mess it was Saul. But, even when he turned from Hell and accepted Christ, Paul was still somewhat of a mess.
We see this in Romans 7:7-25. Verse 14 really spells it out: "We know that the law is spiritual; but I am unspiritual, sold as a slave to sin."
If Paul struggled and felt like a slave to sin, it should be no surprise, that I would feel the same, doing things that I hate-even while I'm doing them. Yet, the allure of sin is great.
See, Satan is a master at his craft. He and his evil henchmen have learned just what works to draw us away from Christ. They know how to make sin seem alluring, and how to hook us, so even if we are not technically addicted, we feel addicted to certain sins. We ALL struggle, not all in the same ways, but we all struggle. We can't help it, we are born with a sin nature. Yet, we have a life line, a guide that can help, so that we overcome the sin nature.
But feeling like this and knowing that I'm human is no excuse for my sin. I know better. I've read my Bible, I've prayed, and I have the Holy Spirit inside, telling me what the right thing is to do. When I sin, it is a willful decision on my part. That is what gets me. I know what I should do, and what I shouldn't do. I know that certain actions are wrong, yet, I do them anyway. That is why I'm a holy mess. Holy because I'm covered by Christ's blood, but still a mess of sin.
When I feel this way I have to remind myself that I'm a work in progress. Sin is not ok, so I confess my misdeeds and I do better. I learn from the sin and strive to do better. God looks at me and He see someone that loves Him, a person whose heart is in the right place. He sees a woman that needs to let go of pride, of selfishness, of stubborness and listen to Her heart-the leading of the spirit.
Yes, I am a mess, but I don't have to remain one. I can get up and do better. If Saul can become Paul, than I can become something better too. Because when God sees me He doesn't see a nobody, He sees a valued creation, a princess, His daughter. That is some motivation. If that is what I am, that is how I need to learn to act. To whom much has been given, much is required, and God has given me Heaven with Him for all eternity. A little obedience is not an obscene request. So this holy mess is going to continue striving to clean up her act! I can do it, because I have God helping me.
There are days, weeks, months even where I just don't feel lovable. It isn't depression, and it isn't that I don't feel loved. It is more that I'm acutely aware of how undeserving I am of being loved by HOLY, RIGHTEOUS, PERFECT God. I'm no one. In fact, I'm not just a nobody, I'm a daily screw up. I don't always read my Bible. I sometimes dash off a prayer, and it is real generic. I'll speed, I'm not always that wise with the finances (not that they are that much)that HE has blessed me with. I could go on, naming sins and things I do that are not even up to my standards, let alone God's.
It makes me wonder. Does He really think there is hope that I'll get better? I try, I really do. But I always fall short. I'm never going to be good enough and that is just depressing. I am one holy mess, and I hate that. I hate that I fail so often and in so many basic ways. I hate that I give in to sin and the schemes of the Devil, when my heart wants to do the right thing.
It is at times like these that I take refuge in the life of Paul. If anyone was a holy mess it was Saul. But, even when he turned from Hell and accepted Christ, Paul was still somewhat of a mess.
We see this in Romans 7:7-25. Verse 14 really spells it out: "We know that the law is spiritual; but I am unspiritual, sold as a slave to sin."
If Paul struggled and felt like a slave to sin, it should be no surprise, that I would feel the same, doing things that I hate-even while I'm doing them. Yet, the allure of sin is great.
See, Satan is a master at his craft. He and his evil henchmen have learned just what works to draw us away from Christ. They know how to make sin seem alluring, and how to hook us, so even if we are not technically addicted, we feel addicted to certain sins. We ALL struggle, not all in the same ways, but we all struggle. We can't help it, we are born with a sin nature. Yet, we have a life line, a guide that can help, so that we overcome the sin nature.
But feeling like this and knowing that I'm human is no excuse for my sin. I know better. I've read my Bible, I've prayed, and I have the Holy Spirit inside, telling me what the right thing is to do. When I sin, it is a willful decision on my part. That is what gets me. I know what I should do, and what I shouldn't do. I know that certain actions are wrong, yet, I do them anyway. That is why I'm a holy mess. Holy because I'm covered by Christ's blood, but still a mess of sin.
When I feel this way I have to remind myself that I'm a work in progress. Sin is not ok, so I confess my misdeeds and I do better. I learn from the sin and strive to do better. God looks at me and He see someone that loves Him, a person whose heart is in the right place. He sees a woman that needs to let go of pride, of selfishness, of stubborness and listen to Her heart-the leading of the spirit.
Yes, I am a mess, but I don't have to remain one. I can get up and do better. If Saul can become Paul, than I can become something better too. Because when God sees me He doesn't see a nobody, He sees a valued creation, a princess, His daughter. That is some motivation. If that is what I am, that is how I need to learn to act. To whom much has been given, much is required, and God has given me Heaven with Him for all eternity. A little obedience is not an obscene request. So this holy mess is going to continue striving to clean up her act! I can do it, because I have God helping me.
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