One Holy Mess

Do you ever wonder what God thinks when He looks down at you? I'm talking to fellow believers here. I know He looks at me with love, and through the blood of Christ. But, often I wonder what He sees when He looks at me, because seriously folks, I'm not pretty. Now I'm not talking about outward appearance (though I would like to lose weight, get a nose job and enhance a certain other area, while tightening up the area where I sit!), I am talking about the part that is me.

There are days, weeks, months even where I just don't feel lovable. It isn't depression, and it isn't that I don't feel loved. It is more that I'm acutely aware of how undeserving I am of being loved by HOLY, RIGHTEOUS, PERFECT God. I'm no one. In fact, I'm not just a nobody, I'm a daily screw up. I don't always read my Bible. I sometimes dash off a prayer, and it is real generic. I'll speed, I'm not always that wise with the finances (not that they are that much)that HE has blessed me with. I could go on, naming sins and things I do that are not even up to my standards, let alone God's.

It makes me wonder. Does He really think there is hope that I'll get better? I try, I really do. But I always fall short. I'm never going to be good enough and that is just depressing. I am one holy mess, and I hate that. I hate that I fail so often and in so many basic ways. I hate that I give in to sin and the schemes of the Devil, when my heart wants to do the right thing.

It is at times like these that I take refuge in the life of Paul. If anyone was a holy mess it was Saul. But, even when he turned from Hell and accepted Christ, Paul was still somewhat of a mess.

We see this in Romans 7:7-25. Verse 14 really spells it out: "We know that the law is spiritual; but I am unspiritual, sold as a slave to sin."

If Paul struggled and felt like a slave to sin, it should be no surprise, that I would feel the same, doing things that I hate-even while I'm doing them. Yet, the allure of sin is great.

See, Satan is a master at his craft. He and his evil henchmen have learned just what works to draw us away from Christ. They know how to make sin seem alluring, and how to hook us, so even if we are not technically addicted, we feel addicted to certain sins. We ALL struggle, not all in the same ways, but we all struggle. We can't help it, we are born with a sin nature. Yet, we have a life line, a guide that can help, so that we overcome the sin nature.

But feeling like this and knowing that I'm human is no excuse for my sin. I know better. I've read my Bible, I've prayed, and I have the Holy Spirit inside, telling me what the right thing is to do. When I sin, it is a willful decision on my part. That is what gets me. I know what I should do, and what I shouldn't do. I know that certain actions are wrong, yet, I do them anyway. That is why I'm a holy mess. Holy because I'm covered by Christ's blood, but still a mess of sin.

When I feel this way I have to remind myself that I'm a work in progress. Sin is not ok, so I confess my misdeeds and I do better. I learn from the sin and strive to do better. God looks at me and He see someone that loves Him, a person whose heart is in the right place. He sees a woman that needs to let go of pride, of selfishness, of stubborness and listen to Her heart-the leading of the spirit.

Yes, I am a mess, but I don't have to remain one. I can get up and do better. If Saul can become Paul, than I can become something better too. Because when God sees me He doesn't see a nobody, He sees a valued creation, a princess, His daughter. That is some motivation. If that is what I am, that is how I need to learn to act. To whom much has been given, much is required, and God has given me Heaven with Him for all eternity. A little obedience is not an obscene request. So this holy mess is going to continue striving to clean up her act! I can do it, because I have God helping me.