Right now I am sitting all cozy in my bed, with my husband beside me (asleep) and our cat curled up at my feet. Our little daughter is kicking away in my uterus. It is a pretty idyllic start to a Friday, a blessing indeed.
10 years ago, heck 5 or even 3 years ago I could not have imagined that I'd be able to enjoy such mornings. My rape took so much away. The girl I was before died the night of my rape. Out of the ashes I had to be reborn, I had to figure out how I was going to navigate, to survive in a world that was suddenly no longer safe.
At first I thought I was beginning to make a new life, and then I saw the true nature of my bf and I allowed myself to plunge into the world of abuse, where I was stuck for far too long. What I thought was living was really just getting by.
Finally, I left the situation. I saw a Bible sitting on my shelf, dusty and unread. I opened it and it fed my soul. The love of Christ reached out to me. I then went on a journey. I had been raised in a Christian home, I was working for a Christian organization, but still I hadn't made Christ my own. I had to discover for myself that Jesus was true.
My journey was fascinating and in the end it led me to so much peace. It was not a quick journey, but it was what I needed. No longer was I getting by, but I was finally taking the steps to becoming a rape and abuse victor. No longer was I "the girl that was raped". I was "the girl that Jesus loves". My whole outlook changed, how I identified myself changed. No longer was it an event, but it was God that gave me my identity.
Slowly God developed inside me a heart for others that have been there, that are there. Others that are traveling the road of rape/abuse experience. I want to show people that God wants to give us our identity, our value, and His joy.
Here I sit all cozy and surrounded by those I love, awaiting the birth of my daughter Yet, beyond the walls of my home are 1000's of women that need Christ, 1000's that are hurting, from a 1000 different hurts.
We struggle to find the answer, the solution to our pain, when it is just a prayer away. Our answer is contained within the Bible. It is a Savior on a cross. It is that same Savior coming down, resting in a grave, only to emerge victorious, alive and able to handle all that life has. It is that Savior saying "Come to me all who are weary and I will give you rest."
-JLP-
Friday, September 30, 2011
Wednesday, September 28, 2011
You DON'T Deserve it!!!
One of Satan's biggest lies that he tells women is that we deserve what we get in life. That what is thrown our way is just. He uses the karma lie. Whatever is happening to you must be deserved, you must have done something wrong, it is fate that you are dealing with this.
This lie is perpetuated and blown up for many women that are living in abusive situations. Many of them really do believe the lie, they believe that it is their fault when their partner abuses them, that they provoked it, or disobeyed, or did something and the abuse is earned.
Another fallacy for many women in abusive situations is that this is just how life is. All guys are like this. These women were most likely raised in homes where abuse took place, and that is what they know. It is reality for them.
Both of these situations are lies and come straight from Satan. I know my Sophomore year of college when I was living in an abusive situation (and abuse can take many forms, it isn't always physical) I thought that it was what I deserved. I also told myself "well at least he isn't hurting someone else. I can handle it, I can't handle if he hurts one of my friends."
My thinking was screwed up. But, I had to own and believe that I deserved better before things would change. The abuser most likely will not change. We can pray for them and hope that they will, but most likely unless the woman owns that the situation is unsafe, that it is wrong, there is no impetus for him to change. I had to be the one to leave, I had to own it.
Just like all other women have to. It is scary, it is hard, and it is in a way humiliating. It hurts our pride to admit to ourselves how low we are, how low our self-esteem is. The first steps are always the worst.
But, the truth is simply: NO ONE DESERVES TO BE ABUSED... NO ONE!!! We are all beloved creations and children of God, the King of Kings. We are all royalty. He sees each of us, and He loves us. He wants to give us joy, peace, security, happiness, all the things that abuse steals.
God is consistent, He is patient and loving. You don't have to fear His moods, wonder what will happen tonight. You can let your guard down when you are with him. He also wants to show you that there are so many wonderful people out there that want to help, that want to love you.
There is a man (or woman) out there that God has for you. One that will treat you like the precious person you really one. There is some one out there that you can be with and not have to fear, someone that is a joy to come home to, that can bring real laughter to your soul, healing to you. Abuse is not right, abuse is the antithesis of love.
Choose to take the steps (I know they are scary, I've been there) to leaving the situation. Open yourself up for love, joy, and a life that isn't lived in fear. It is the hardest, most wonderful thing you can do for yourself and for your kids (if you have any).
-JLP-
This lie is perpetuated and blown up for many women that are living in abusive situations. Many of them really do believe the lie, they believe that it is their fault when their partner abuses them, that they provoked it, or disobeyed, or did something and the abuse is earned.
Another fallacy for many women in abusive situations is that this is just how life is. All guys are like this. These women were most likely raised in homes where abuse took place, and that is what they know. It is reality for them.
Both of these situations are lies and come straight from Satan. I know my Sophomore year of college when I was living in an abusive situation (and abuse can take many forms, it isn't always physical) I thought that it was what I deserved. I also told myself "well at least he isn't hurting someone else. I can handle it, I can't handle if he hurts one of my friends."
My thinking was screwed up. But, I had to own and believe that I deserved better before things would change. The abuser most likely will not change. We can pray for them and hope that they will, but most likely unless the woman owns that the situation is unsafe, that it is wrong, there is no impetus for him to change. I had to be the one to leave, I had to own it.
Just like all other women have to. It is scary, it is hard, and it is in a way humiliating. It hurts our pride to admit to ourselves how low we are, how low our self-esteem is. The first steps are always the worst.
But, the truth is simply: NO ONE DESERVES TO BE ABUSED... NO ONE!!! We are all beloved creations and children of God, the King of Kings. We are all royalty. He sees each of us, and He loves us. He wants to give us joy, peace, security, happiness, all the things that abuse steals.
God is consistent, He is patient and loving. You don't have to fear His moods, wonder what will happen tonight. You can let your guard down when you are with him. He also wants to show you that there are so many wonderful people out there that want to help, that want to love you.
There is a man (or woman) out there that God has for you. One that will treat you like the precious person you really one. There is some one out there that you can be with and not have to fear, someone that is a joy to come home to, that can bring real laughter to your soul, healing to you. Abuse is not right, abuse is the antithesis of love.
Choose to take the steps (I know they are scary, I've been there) to leaving the situation. Open yourself up for love, joy, and a life that isn't lived in fear. It is the hardest, most wonderful thing you can do for yourself and for your kids (if you have any).
-JLP-
Friday, September 23, 2011
Finally, Not Afraid (Or At Least Not Much)
The minutes, hours and days right after my rape were the most terrifying moments of my life. Each minute seemed to drag on and on. Each sound was something scary, and even during the day there was not enough light to scary away the monsters.
Now, almost 10 years later, I love to sit in my home, in a darkened room (but not totally dark) and listen to the rain. I still like having a light in the hallway, and I make sure that I'm never w/o protection. Still, I can say that my fear level has decreased drastically.
There are many other things that I can do again that I wasn't able to do in the wake of the rape and abuse. I'm not afraid of the doctor (granted I take my husband with me and he is always right there) and I don't have to sit in the back of the room (so that I can see everything and everyone). I have worked hard to overcome the fear and anxiety brought on by my experiences.
I think the biggest hurdle of all for me (and for MANY other rape survivors) is to overcome the fear of sex. When sex has been used against you, as a weapon for the other party to exert power, dominance and control, it is easy for sex to become a scary thing.
God created sex to be joyful, fun, creative, intimate, exciting, feel good, and to be within the confines of a loving marriage relationship. Rape is none of those things (well, one could argue that my rapists in their sadism were creative). Rape is Satan taking one of God's most precious gifts and turning it inside out and upside down.
It takes time, prayer, and trust in your partner for a survivor to be able to turn sex back to what it is designed to be. For me it meant finding the man that God had for me. With my husband I can fully enjoy sex and I don't have to be afraid. I know that my beloved cares and won't do anything to harm me, that my pleasure is as important to him as his own. That is pretty powerful. It is freeing to know that I don't have to be afraid.
In the Bible Jesus says "Do not be afraid." Jesus is our night light, our protection, our guard. When we run to Him he takes care of us. He has already defeated the scariest monster, DEATH. Everything else (from His perspective) is a piece of cake. I find it comforting to know that my fears are valid, that He doesn't laugh at them, but He helps me to overcome them.
It has been a long road, but I can happily say that while I do have an exaggerated startle reflex (which my hubby loves!) and there are things that scare me, I know that all I have to do to pray and Jesus will take care of me. I don't have to live in fear anymore, if I live in Christ.
YOU don't have to live in fear. Take hold of Jesus' hand and He will help you take the steps to overcoming, so that you too can say that you are not afraid!
-JLP-
Now, almost 10 years later, I love to sit in my home, in a darkened room (but not totally dark) and listen to the rain. I still like having a light in the hallway, and I make sure that I'm never w/o protection. Still, I can say that my fear level has decreased drastically.
There are many other things that I can do again that I wasn't able to do in the wake of the rape and abuse. I'm not afraid of the doctor (granted I take my husband with me and he is always right there) and I don't have to sit in the back of the room (so that I can see everything and everyone). I have worked hard to overcome the fear and anxiety brought on by my experiences.
I think the biggest hurdle of all for me (and for MANY other rape survivors) is to overcome the fear of sex. When sex has been used against you, as a weapon for the other party to exert power, dominance and control, it is easy for sex to become a scary thing.
God created sex to be joyful, fun, creative, intimate, exciting, feel good, and to be within the confines of a loving marriage relationship. Rape is none of those things (well, one could argue that my rapists in their sadism were creative). Rape is Satan taking one of God's most precious gifts and turning it inside out and upside down.
It takes time, prayer, and trust in your partner for a survivor to be able to turn sex back to what it is designed to be. For me it meant finding the man that God had for me. With my husband I can fully enjoy sex and I don't have to be afraid. I know that my beloved cares and won't do anything to harm me, that my pleasure is as important to him as his own. That is pretty powerful. It is freeing to know that I don't have to be afraid.
In the Bible Jesus says "Do not be afraid." Jesus is our night light, our protection, our guard. When we run to Him he takes care of us. He has already defeated the scariest monster, DEATH. Everything else (from His perspective) is a piece of cake. I find it comforting to know that my fears are valid, that He doesn't laugh at them, but He helps me to overcome them.
It has been a long road, but I can happily say that while I do have an exaggerated startle reflex (which my hubby loves!) and there are things that scare me, I know that all I have to do to pray and Jesus will take care of me. I don't have to live in fear anymore, if I live in Christ.
YOU don't have to live in fear. Take hold of Jesus' hand and He will help you take the steps to overcoming, so that you too can say that you are not afraid!
-JLP-
Saturday, September 17, 2011
Flashbacks are More Than Just Memories
We all have memories, and we can all remember the bad stuff that happens. It is there, etched permanently onto our brains. It resides with us. As the days, weeks, months and years go by, the memories fade, but they are never totally lost. At least not the really horrific ones.
As hard as it can be to remember the painful events, the fear, the nausea, the lack of control, the helplessness, there is something that is even worse than a memory. Many victims and survivors of rape (and abuse) have to deal with flashbacks. The APA (American Psychological Association) defines flashbacks as:
Flashbacks are considered one of the re-experiencing symptoms of PTSD. As the name implies, in a flashback, a person may feel or act as though a traumatic event is happening again.
A flashback can vary in severity. A flashback may be a temporary occurrence, and a person may maintain some connection with the present moment. On the other hand, during a flashback, a person may lose all awareness of what is going on around them, being taken completely back to their traumatic event. Similar to a dissociative episode, during a flashback, a person may also lose track of time.
Basically during a flashback you feel like you are back during the time of the trauma. It isn't just that you are remembering it. You are THERE. It is dibilitating. It is scary, not only dealing with the flashback, but also the fear of them.
It can get to the point that you go through life wondering where you will be when the next one strikes. Will you be home alone or out in public?
Luckily there are ways to help minimize flashbacks. Many patients have a trigger. For me, it is the smell of the cologne the men were wearing that night, or seeing a man that resembles the bf that abused me. I have learned to recognize my triggers and to deal with them so I can minimize the severity.
There are lots of ways to cope. The biggest step is to tell someone, enlist help. A burden shared is a burden lessened. I have also learned that I need to find something to help me stay in reality, for example holding onto ice. I get so focused on the cold that I lose focus on the flashback.
The ice may not help you. Your therapist can give you many other coping strategies, and you have to find what works for you.
Just take heart! Just as you survived the rape or abuse, you can survive the flashbacks. As horrible as they are, it is not real. You survived and your mind is playing games with you. Pray, ask the Lord for help. Turn to Him, He loves you and He will get you through each flashback, just as He got you through the original trial.
Flashbacks are more than just memories, but they are not the real thing, you survived.
As hard as it can be to remember the painful events, the fear, the nausea, the lack of control, the helplessness, there is something that is even worse than a memory. Many victims and survivors of rape (and abuse) have to deal with flashbacks. The APA (American Psychological Association) defines flashbacks as:
Flashbacks are considered one of the re-experiencing symptoms of PTSD. As the name implies, in a flashback, a person may feel or act as though a traumatic event is happening again.
A flashback can vary in severity. A flashback may be a temporary occurrence, and a person may maintain some connection with the present moment. On the other hand, during a flashback, a person may lose all awareness of what is going on around them, being taken completely back to their traumatic event. Similar to a dissociative episode, during a flashback, a person may also lose track of time.
Basically during a flashback you feel like you are back during the time of the trauma. It isn't just that you are remembering it. You are THERE. It is dibilitating. It is scary, not only dealing with the flashback, but also the fear of them.
It can get to the point that you go through life wondering where you will be when the next one strikes. Will you be home alone or out in public?
Luckily there are ways to help minimize flashbacks. Many patients have a trigger. For me, it is the smell of the cologne the men were wearing that night, or seeing a man that resembles the bf that abused me. I have learned to recognize my triggers and to deal with them so I can minimize the severity.
There are lots of ways to cope. The biggest step is to tell someone, enlist help. A burden shared is a burden lessened. I have also learned that I need to find something to help me stay in reality, for example holding onto ice. I get so focused on the cold that I lose focus on the flashback.
The ice may not help you. Your therapist can give you many other coping strategies, and you have to find what works for you.
Just take heart! Just as you survived the rape or abuse, you can survive the flashbacks. As horrible as they are, it is not real. You survived and your mind is playing games with you. Pray, ask the Lord for help. Turn to Him, He loves you and He will get you through each flashback, just as He got you through the original trial.
Flashbacks are more than just memories, but they are not the real thing, you survived.
Sunday, September 11, 2011
Where WASN'T God???
When bad things happen, when we don't understand what is going on, we tend to blame God. We ask, "Where was God when __________ happened?" Most assuredly that question has been asked in regards to the terrorist attacks of Sept. 11, 2001.
Yet, as natural as that question is, and as important as it is for each of us to realize how God works, there is a better question to ask. The better question is to ask, "Where wasn't God when _________ happened?" For you see, God is in control and God is everywhere.
God was in the Twin Towers, guiding THOUSANDS to safety and holding up the towers so many people could get out. God was at ground zero guiding search and rescue workers to the locations of buried survivors. God was at the Pentagon holding the fire back, reinforcing walls. God was on flight 93 giving courage and peace to passengers and allowing them to call family members.
God was there, holding us and protecting us all as we mourned. He was reminding us that evil is only temporary. It is drastic, it has eternal consequences, but evil's presence on this earth is only temporary.
God was there when I was raped and then when I was abused. God was there when you were hurting, when you were scared. God is there now, waiting to be invited to help and comfort you.
God WASN'T in the lives of the terrorists. They had already said NO to Him.
Here is the secret! God is in control and the ending, the conclusion of all this pain and suffering is that Jesus wins. We have been given free will and we use it to hurt each other. So few use it for God's glory, but in the end God WILL get the glory. Satan and evil will be cast into Hell forever, and those of us that have chosen Christ will get to live in a new Heaven, walk around a new earth.
It will be a place of nothing but glory. No sin, no pain, no fear. Just reigning and praising the Lamb, the good, holy and perfect one. That is the hope that we have. Knowledge of how this ends, trusting God to continue to work it all out, that is how America will continue to heal and grow.
Personally, grabbing hold of the rope God is offering you, the peace that comes through a relationship with Christ. Knowing Him, that is how YOU will heal from the pain you are enduring. There is nothing like hope to lighten a dark day. Nothing like sweet anticipation of joy, of laughter to help heal a broken heart and spirit.
God wasn't in the lives of those that chose evil, that chose to say "No thanks" to His Son's gift. But God can be in your life. Will you let Him in? He stands at the door and knocks. He is there. Let Him in.
-JLP-
Thursday, September 8, 2011
What We Control
One of the biggest lessons that I've learned as I reflect upon my rape and abuse is that I'm not in control. I'm a victim of circumstance. We all are. Call it fate, evil, whatever. Something that you learn if you or a loved one is dealing with abuse of some form is that we don't control our circumstances.
We can do everything right. When I was raped I thought I was safe in my own apartment. I was living on campus at a Christian university, I locked my doors, I had 2 roommates. I should have been fine. I wasn't. I was brutally attacked by 2 strangers. Raped, sodomized, beaten, mocked, and put through the paces by 2 sadistic men.
When I was abused I never knew when my bf was going to be drunk. It could be 2pm and he'd be wasted, or he'd wait till late at night to start drinking. Yes, I chose to stay even after the first incident. But I felt trapped, and as later events proved I wasn't in control of the fact that even after his abuse was reported, he was allowed to stay on our dorm floor, no legal repercussions! I certainly didn't choose that!
I'm not in control. You are not in control. At least not of your circumstances. BUT you are in control of your response, your attitude. No one but you can decide how you will react to your situation. Are you going to live in self-pity and shame? Or will you make the decision to be a survivor, a victor over your circumstances? Will you choose to see the joy in life?
We may not be in control, but we can know the One that is. We can know that God is waiting to hold us with His arms open. God hates how we use our free will to hurt each other. Yet, He is a loving God and refuses to give in and take our free will away. He wants us to love Him in return. To use our circumstances as reasons to run to Him, in good times and bad.
Ultimately good will prevail. God is in control and the future is clear. The present may seem murky, but the future is clear as day. God is good and good wins. Satan loses, evil loses. Take heart.
Choose to let God heal you, rest in His peace, in His love, in His care. It is the best decision you will ever make.
-JLP-
We can do everything right. When I was raped I thought I was safe in my own apartment. I was living on campus at a Christian university, I locked my doors, I had 2 roommates. I should have been fine. I wasn't. I was brutally attacked by 2 strangers. Raped, sodomized, beaten, mocked, and put through the paces by 2 sadistic men.
When I was abused I never knew when my bf was going to be drunk. It could be 2pm and he'd be wasted, or he'd wait till late at night to start drinking. Yes, I chose to stay even after the first incident. But I felt trapped, and as later events proved I wasn't in control of the fact that even after his abuse was reported, he was allowed to stay on our dorm floor, no legal repercussions! I certainly didn't choose that!
I'm not in control. You are not in control. At least not of your circumstances. BUT you are in control of your response, your attitude. No one but you can decide how you will react to your situation. Are you going to live in self-pity and shame? Or will you make the decision to be a survivor, a victor over your circumstances? Will you choose to see the joy in life?
We may not be in control, but we can know the One that is. We can know that God is waiting to hold us with His arms open. God hates how we use our free will to hurt each other. Yet, He is a loving God and refuses to give in and take our free will away. He wants us to love Him in return. To use our circumstances as reasons to run to Him, in good times and bad.
Ultimately good will prevail. God is in control and the future is clear. The present may seem murky, but the future is clear as day. God is good and good wins. Satan loses, evil loses. Take heart.
Choose to let God heal you, rest in His peace, in His love, in His care. It is the best decision you will ever make.
-JLP-
Monday, September 5, 2011
A Tear Made Lake
One of the things we all learn is that life is full of tears. There is so much out that that seeks to rob us of the joy that God wants to infuse in us. Not only is there: rape, abuse, murder, kidnappings, but there is also death. The deaths of those that we love. No one gets out of this grand adventure alive.
There is enough heartache that we could make our own tear filled lakes with our life time of tears. It is hard. It's been hard from the time that Adam and Eve were cast out of the garden. We try to keep our loved ones close, to protect them and to protect ourselves. We shy away from the pain.
Yet, it is in these times of trial, in the heartache that we are most open to God, most vulnerable and willing to let God love us. So, use these times. Use the trials to draw closer to Him. But then in the celebrations don't leave Him behind. Invite Him into those as well and you will see just have gorgeous they really are.
The hard times are less hard with God, the celebration are more celebratory and all the in between is more peaceful. By not living with Christ you are denying yourself so much. It took me years and lots of pain, fear, disillusionment and frustration to realize that Christ is the answer.
Not matter how much you are hurting God wants to help you. God will take your load. God will bring light to the darkness engulfing you. God will make beauty from the lake of tears you cry. You just have to let Him. That is one of the amazing things. He is God, and He doesn't want any of us to perish, but He loves us so much that He lets it be our choice!
Cry those tears, be honest with how you feel, let it out and then let God show you the beauty of love and refreshment.
"The LORD is my shepherd;
I shall not want.
2 He makes me to lie down in green pastures;
He leads me beside the still waters.
3 He restores my soul" Psalm 23: 1-3a (NKJV)
There is enough heartache that we could make our own tear filled lakes with our life time of tears. It is hard. It's been hard from the time that Adam and Eve were cast out of the garden. We try to keep our loved ones close, to protect them and to protect ourselves. We shy away from the pain.
Yet, it is in these times of trial, in the heartache that we are most open to God, most vulnerable and willing to let God love us. So, use these times. Use the trials to draw closer to Him. But then in the celebrations don't leave Him behind. Invite Him into those as well and you will see just have gorgeous they really are.
The hard times are less hard with God, the celebration are more celebratory and all the in between is more peaceful. By not living with Christ you are denying yourself so much. It took me years and lots of pain, fear, disillusionment and frustration to realize that Christ is the answer.
Not matter how much you are hurting God wants to help you. God will take your load. God will bring light to the darkness engulfing you. God will make beauty from the lake of tears you cry. You just have to let Him. That is one of the amazing things. He is God, and He doesn't want any of us to perish, but He loves us so much that He lets it be our choice!
Cry those tears, be honest with how you feel, let it out and then let God show you the beauty of love and refreshment.
"The LORD is my shepherd;
I shall not want.
2 He makes me to lie down in green pastures;
He leads me beside the still waters.
3 He restores my soul" Psalm 23: 1-3a (NKJV)
Saturday, September 3, 2011
Not Worthless!!!
“I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.”
John 16:33
When I was first dealing with the aftermath of my rape and abuse I felt totally abandoned by God and worthless. If God loved me why didn't He protect me. Obviously what I had been taught was wrong. I wasn't all that important to God. I was just another human, just one of BILLIONS to roam this earth. God had more important things to deal with than my problems.
I was mired in self-pity, fear, shame, anger, confusion, doubt and abandonment. Yeah, I was like many victims, maybe even you! I put on a mask. I went about my life. I even kept going to church because that was what I knew. Yet inside I wasn't buying it.
I was too busy dealing with being raped to begin to recover from the rape. I met a boy and when he was sober he made me feel special. To him I was worthwhile. But he wasn't sober often enough and when he was drunk he was mean. But, I figured if he was hurting me he wasn't hurting someone else, and what else was I good for?
One night he attacked my best friend. It was that event that woke me up. I spent the night actually reading the Bible. I read about Rahab, Ruth, King David, and Jesus. I saw God's plan. It was then that God said to me, "Child you are not worthless. You are my precious daughter."
I saw once and for all that God has been working throughout history to show each of us just how important we are. God values and loves each individual. The night I was raped, God was there hurting for me and for the evil the men allowed in their souls.
God takes us where we are: prostitutes, widows, adulterers, murderers, victims, celebrities and He says "I have a bigger plan for you. I want to show you my love. You need it so very much. You are mine."
God loves each of us so much that He died in our place! Not only did he die, but read about how and you will see love and just how priceless you are!
Yes, in this world there is pain, fear, confusion, shame, guilt, darkness, and a whole lotta bad stuff. But we can overcome it by clinging to the promise of Christ. He already defeated it all, and He offers each of us hope. Hope is what I needed most to begin to recover from rape. I needed a reason to go on.
I found that God doesn't see me as worthless, He sees me as priceless. There is no length He won't go to show me, to show YOU! This world has trouble, but after our lives our over we face a glorious future! It is ours for taking, and you know what, there is nothing like hope and security to begin the process of healing.
I encourage you to seek God, to seek Jesus and through Him begin to heal.
-JLP-
John 16:33
When I was first dealing with the aftermath of my rape and abuse I felt totally abandoned by God and worthless. If God loved me why didn't He protect me. Obviously what I had been taught was wrong. I wasn't all that important to God. I was just another human, just one of BILLIONS to roam this earth. God had more important things to deal with than my problems.
I was mired in self-pity, fear, shame, anger, confusion, doubt and abandonment. Yeah, I was like many victims, maybe even you! I put on a mask. I went about my life. I even kept going to church because that was what I knew. Yet inside I wasn't buying it.
I was too busy dealing with being raped to begin to recover from the rape. I met a boy and when he was sober he made me feel special. To him I was worthwhile. But he wasn't sober often enough and when he was drunk he was mean. But, I figured if he was hurting me he wasn't hurting someone else, and what else was I good for?
One night he attacked my best friend. It was that event that woke me up. I spent the night actually reading the Bible. I read about Rahab, Ruth, King David, and Jesus. I saw God's plan. It was then that God said to me, "Child you are not worthless. You are my precious daughter."
I saw once and for all that God has been working throughout history to show each of us just how important we are. God values and loves each individual. The night I was raped, God was there hurting for me and for the evil the men allowed in their souls.
God takes us where we are: prostitutes, widows, adulterers, murderers, victims, celebrities and He says "I have a bigger plan for you. I want to show you my love. You need it so very much. You are mine."
God loves each of us so much that He died in our place! Not only did he die, but read about how and you will see love and just how priceless you are!
Yes, in this world there is pain, fear, confusion, shame, guilt, darkness, and a whole lotta bad stuff. But we can overcome it by clinging to the promise of Christ. He already defeated it all, and He offers each of us hope. Hope is what I needed most to begin to recover from rape. I needed a reason to go on.
I found that God doesn't see me as worthless, He sees me as priceless. There is no length He won't go to show me, to show YOU! This world has trouble, but after our lives our over we face a glorious future! It is ours for taking, and you know what, there is nothing like hope and security to begin the process of healing.
I encourage you to seek God, to seek Jesus and through Him begin to heal.
-JLP-
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