What We Control

One of the biggest lessons that I've learned as I reflect upon my rape and abuse is that I'm not in control. I'm a victim of circumstance. We all are. Call it fate, evil, whatever. Something that you learn if you or a loved one is dealing with abuse of some form is that we don't control our circumstances.

We can do everything right. When I was raped I thought I was safe in my own apartment. I was living on campus at a Christian university, I locked my doors, I had 2 roommates. I should have been fine. I wasn't. I was brutally attacked by 2 strangers. Raped, sodomized, beaten, mocked, and put through the paces by 2 sadistic men.

When I was abused I never knew when my bf was going to be drunk. It could be 2pm and he'd be wasted, or he'd wait till late at night to start drinking. Yes, I chose to stay even after the first incident. But I felt trapped, and as later events proved I wasn't in control of the fact that even after his abuse was reported, he was allowed to stay on our dorm floor, no legal repercussions! I certainly didn't choose that!

I'm not in control. You are not in control. At least not of your circumstances. BUT you are in control of your response, your attitude. No one but you can decide how you will react to your situation. Are you going to live in self-pity and shame? Or will you make the decision to be a survivor, a victor over your circumstances? Will you choose to see the joy in life?

We may not be in control, but we can know the One that is. We can know that God is waiting to hold us with His arms open. God hates how we use our free will to hurt each other. Yet, He is a loving God and refuses to give in and take our free will away. He wants us to love Him in return. To use our circumstances as reasons to run to Him, in good times and bad.

Ultimately good will prevail. God is in control and the future is clear. The present may seem murky, but the future is clear as day. God is good and good wins. Satan loses, evil loses. Take heart.

Choose to let God heal you, rest in His peace, in His love, in His care. It is the best decision you will ever make.

-JLP-