The minutes, hours and days right after my rape were the most terrifying moments of my life. Each minute seemed to drag on and on. Each sound was something scary, and even during the day there was not enough light to scary away the monsters.
Now, almost 10 years later, I love to sit in my home, in a darkened room (but not totally dark) and listen to the rain. I still like having a light in the hallway, and I make sure that I'm never w/o protection. Still, I can say that my fear level has decreased drastically.
There are many other things that I can do again that I wasn't able to do in the wake of the rape and abuse. I'm not afraid of the doctor (granted I take my husband with me and he is always right there) and I don't have to sit in the back of the room (so that I can see everything and everyone). I have worked hard to overcome the fear and anxiety brought on by my experiences.
I think the biggest hurdle of all for me (and for MANY other rape survivors) is to overcome the fear of sex. When sex has been used against you, as a weapon for the other party to exert power, dominance and control, it is easy for sex to become a scary thing.
God created sex to be joyful, fun, creative, intimate, exciting, feel good, and to be within the confines of a loving marriage relationship. Rape is none of those things (well, one could argue that my rapists in their sadism were creative). Rape is Satan taking one of God's most precious gifts and turning it inside out and upside down.
It takes time, prayer, and trust in your partner for a survivor to be able to turn sex back to what it is designed to be. For me it meant finding the man that God had for me. With my husband I can fully enjoy sex and I don't have to be afraid. I know that my beloved cares and won't do anything to harm me, that my pleasure is as important to him as his own. That is pretty powerful. It is freeing to know that I don't have to be afraid.
In the Bible Jesus says "Do not be afraid." Jesus is our night light, our protection, our guard. When we run to Him he takes care of us. He has already defeated the scariest monster, DEATH. Everything else (from His perspective) is a piece of cake. I find it comforting to know that my fears are valid, that He doesn't laugh at them, but He helps me to overcome them.
It has been a long road, but I can happily say that while I do have an exaggerated startle reflex (which my hubby loves!) and there are things that scare me, I know that all I have to do to pray and Jesus will take care of me. I don't have to live in fear anymore, if I live in Christ.
YOU don't have to live in fear. Take hold of Jesus' hand and He will help you take the steps to overcoming, so that you too can say that you are not afraid!
-JLP-
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