What My Miscarriage is Teaching Me

*** I apologize that is QUITE wordy, but it is some thoughts that are rambling through my head this evening.***

As I was working on my book and reading parts of it I had to think about a few things. The thing about writing an autobiography is that it forces the author to really examine his/her life. So much has happened in my 26 years of life. I have been blessed in so many ways and I realize that. I have also experienced the pure evil we humans can inflict upon each other.

Today is October 11, 2009. 7 years 8 months and 9 days ago I was raped and tortured for a couple of hours by two men. Out of that rape came a blessing- a pregnancy. It was a pregnancy that shouldn’t have happened. Most rapes are too violent for the sperm to survive (turns out those little guys are fragile) to make it fertilize a woman’s egg. Once in awhile though a swimmer makes it through and the result is a baby.

That happened to me 7 years 8 months and 9 days ago. I was the girl that dreamed of going to college, earning my teaching degree, getting married, teaching for a few years and then having some children and staying at home to raise them to love the Lord. That was my dream and my plan. I have always loved children and people have always commented that I have a way with children that they respond to. So when I was pregnant it was in a way a dream come true. I was going to be a mother, finally-after 18 years of waiting it was my turn!

18 years, that doesn’t sound like much! Looking back, it really wasn’t. As much as I’ve yearned to be a mother getting raped and pregnant when I was a freshman in college and a virgin the day before-that was NOT how I planned it! I did NOT want to be a single Mom. I was reeling from the rape when I realized I was pregnant. I was below rock bottom. The news, that should have been cause for a celebration, just moved those rocks farther above me.

As confused and scared as I was looking at that pregnancy test and as knowing the way things turned out (I miscarried) I still wonder about my baby. For a couple of months God blessed me with an answer to prayer. I had prayed to be a Mom and I got pregnant. So God did answer my prayer. I think that as long as I live I’ll wonder about my child that would be getting ready to celebrate a birthday. What would my child look like? Was it a boy or a girl? Was it Micah Bradley or Paige Evelyn? Would my child love books as much as I do? There are so many things to wonder about.

I think that every woman (regardless of the circumstances surrounding the pregnancy) goes through a myriad of emotions, and that is without factoring in hormones! We are excited, scared, nervous, happy, joyful, cautious, and scared. Will we be good for this child? What if we don’t know an answer to their question? What if something happens to the child how will protect this precious life? Will he/she grow up to love the Lord and love others? Being a parent is awesome responsibility. It is one of the most precious jobs in the world.

Right now my child is up in Heaven hanging out with the Lord, and as much as I yearn sometimes to have had the chance to raise and love my child, to hold him/her and kiss them goodnight, to fix boo-boos, change diapers, teach him/her to read and to love savoring the words of Christ (both written and spoken to our hearts) I can’t be too mad that God has spared my child the tragedies that we all face on the earth. I HAVE to focus on the positive aspects of God calling my child home before he/she was born. God has reasons for everything.

I was not really at a place emotionally where I could have raised a child. During the first year after my rape I was a totally lost soul. I did a fair facsimile of playing the part of an American college student, but inside I was a mess. God knew that. I like to think that if I hadn’t miscarried God would have given me the strength, finances, wisdom, endurance, support to raise my child.

This is a hard time of the year for me. I think of my child that is in Heaven right now worshiping my Christ, our Savior, the holy God. I also think of my friend that was raped and murdered in early November 2007. Two people that I love dearly and did not have nearly enough time with here on earth, but that I get to spend to eternity with and we get to spend that eternity praising God!
It can be confusing, because we do mourn the loss of people that have gone to Heaven before us, people that we love: friends, family, leaders that we admired, etc. Yet, we also know that as Christians we shouldn’t give in to the temptation to sink into depression. Yes, they are no longer with us and that is awful, but where they are is so amazing. We can’t even imagine how wonderful Heaven is-It is that awesome! Our friends and family are there (if they believed and accepted God’s offer of salvation) and that is a much better place for them than this corrupted earth.

I still come back to the thought though that people I love are gone, and I’ve had to say good-bye to a lot of people I love: Em, Cody, Grandma, my baby, Tiffany and Michael, Grandpa, uncle Dewey, and Granny Hill (just to name a few). I like to cling to the promises and the hope of Scripture, but it is hard when all I want to do is call one of them and chat or go have dinner with them! At times I just want to sit on the floor and throw a tantrum because it isn’t fair that I have had to say good-bye to so many people I love, and that I was raped. Evil isn’t fair! Life sometimes royally sucks!

As a seminary graduate and aspiring counselor I feel like there are some answers that I should have that I just don’t. There are times when I am totally clueless as to how to handle what life throws at me. I KNOW that it is in these times that I need to make sure that I’m not just running to Christ, but that I haven’t ever left His side. When I don’t know what to do, what to say, how to react to the seeming unfairness of life I should turn to Jesus and give it all to Him.

That is a lot easier said than done! It is easy to say “Pray and rest in God’s love.” Yet, that is not an easy thing to do. Maybe if I was a more mature Christian it would be easier, I don’t know, but there are some things where it is just hard. I know what to do, and I LOVE to pray it is one of my favorite activities, but God knows how often I’ll give Him my cares only to snatch it all back up!

Right now I just miss the child that was mine, and that is something I need to give to the Lord. I don’t know why it hit me today more than it does some days. It seems weird to miss someone so acutely after 7 years of separation, and someone that I knew for such a short amount of time, and never outside the womb. The feeling is a testament to the bond between mother and child. We women were created to nurture, protect and love our children, from the moment of conception through death. It is part of who we are, and mothers express this just a little bit differently.

Having experienced a miscarriage, even one where the conception was not an answer to prayer, has given me a perspective on life, love and motherhood that I would not have otherwise. It has made me grow up in many ways, acknowledge things about myself, about what I want out of life, what I believe about God that might not have happened in any other case. I have had to learn to rely on the Lord so much more. I have had to learn to embrace His love in a different way than before. I have learned that there is beauty in pain, there is restoration and forgiveness.

The biggest lesson I have learned since the rape and miscarriage has to do with forgiveness and not just how to forgive my two rapists, and the school that created and allowed a situation where I was in danger (long story there), but to mostly forgive myself. I think that is one of the hardest things to do. I am getting better at forgiving others, due to the grace and instruction from the Lord, but I am still not good at forgiving myself. Yet, if we don’t forgive ourselves it is thumbing out noses at God.

If God is willing and eager to forgive us, who are we to refuse to forgive ourselves? It is like telling God-You may think I’m worthy of forgiveness, but You are wrong, I’m not. God is never wrong, so if He forgives shouldn’t we give ourselves the same grace, at least a measure of the grace we extend to others?

Having had to say good-bye to so many people in my life has taught me just how temporal this life is. We NEVER know how much time we have left. I have learned that it is important that I spend whatever time I have to serve my Lord first, serve my family and friends second and to find as much joy as I can. Joy is important.

God loves to see His children enjoying life and focusing on the blessings. All good gifts come from Him and He is a lavish Father. Even in the darkest moments, even when rock bottom is sky high there is something to call a blessing, because even there God is with us, and that is more than we deserve! God is so good. He blesses each and every day. Life is not really fair. It is not fair that some people have to go through a lot of crap and deal with a load of care while other people seem to enjoy the good life all the time.

The secret is to remember that we never see the good life comes in obedience to Christ and trusting Him. Life may not be easy, in fact Christ promises just the opposite, we will have crosses to bear, and the cross was NOT easy for Him. But there is joy is knowing that we are serving the Lord, doing His will and our reward is eternity with Him in Heaven and all our beloved brethren that have proceeded us. There is joy is helping others, in knowing that we made their day just a little bit easier, happier. There is joy in knowing that we are loved beyond measure. There is joy in knowing that God is right beside us, behind us, before us. There is joy in the knowing and in the acceptance.