It seems that when we prepare to hang a new calendar (or 2) on the wall we become introspective. There is something about the dawning of a new year that makes us want to set goals and start fresh. In the spirit of the new year I have set some goals for 2010. I’m not a fan of New Year’s resolutions because they are so easy to discard and that isn’t good for the self-esteem issues that “experts” say I should worry about. I do like to set goals though. I have come up with 5 goals for 2010. They are in no particular order.
1. Drop 1 dress size (and maintain it)
2. Do something new at least once a week
3. Visit friends in OK and AZ
4. Read through the Bible in chronological order
5. Get a third of the way through my PhD course work
There you have it, my top 5 goals for 2010. Hopefully in 365 days I’ll be able to say that I accomplished my goals!
As I look back and reflect upon this year, it was another crazy and full year. A lot of good things happened: I graduated from seminary, started my PhD work, found a publisher for my book, joined the TRBC choir, went to a friend’s wedding, visited various family members, moved into a new apartment, worked with couples dealing with CSD, and deepened friendships. There were also some harder moments in the year: buried two friends (one killed in combat, one killed by self), was diagnosed with Rheumatoid Arthritis, had ups and downs with my PTSD, and had to put a new clutch in my car. I could add to the list the # of cell phones I went through, but that just makes me want to cry!
It is amazing to think of all that happened in just 365 days! We can all come up with long lists of what went on, from the noteworthy to the daily grind of life in the 21st C. There was: grocery shopping, doctor visits, helping friends through the good and bad times in their lives, classes, work, chores, and hopefully sharing the Gospel with others. Each day can be crazy, but the days do add up and pretty soon we have a pattern set, and the days turn into months, months into years, and years into decades, till we are sitting in our rocking chairs on the front porch reflecting not just on the year, but on our entire lives and what we have to show for the time God gave us.
It is like my pastor said on Sunday, when we are eulogized the minister should be able to say that we each lived our life full of days. It should be hard for people to sum up our lives and choose what to highlight. We are working toward a goal- to bring glory to holy God and increase the kingdom. How are spending our years? Are we really living “full of days”? I know I could do more, how about you?
One of my favorite shows in college was The West Wing. In one episode Sam is talking about his process in crafting speeches for the President. “Good writers borrow material from others, great writers outright steal what they want.” In that vein I want to say, “Ask not what your God can do for you [for HE already does everything and more for us] but what you can do for holy God.” What are we planning on doing in 2010 that will outlive us? What is our legacy?
May we all have a blessed 2010!
-ME-
Thursday, December 31, 2009
Wednesday, December 30, 2009
Christmas 2009
This year I spent the holy holiday with my maternal cousins in NC. It was a short trip, but very full and very good. I hope that y'all were able to find some joy this season, even if you were separated from loved ones.
On Christmas Eve day I drove to Raleigh and made it to my great Aunt and Uncle's house before dark. That evening we went to Bayleaf Baptist Church (where my family has gone for years and Pops is the Senior Adult Minister). The Christmas by Candlelight service was lovely. Two of my cousins and one of their friends joined us. After church we met at another Aunt and Uncle's house and a bunch of us chilled and had Christmas chili.
On Christmas Day Aunt S., Pops and I went over to Amber and Heather's for brunch and a few hours of just chilling and watching A Christmas Story. That was a blast, despite the pouring down rain.
That night Aunt S and I went back to Aunt C's. My cousin and his wife were around with their new baby (born on the 22). It was fun. I received a very fun gift from my cousins. Comfy pj's, slippers, two ornaments and a Packers cup. I love it!
All in all Christmas was wonderful. I wasn't with my parents and Grandma, but I was surrounded by people that love me, celebrating the birth of my Savior that loves me more than my family combined. I totally basked in the love.
Before Christmas I eeked out as much of the spirit as possible visiting different Christmas services at churches around town, and participating in the VA Christmas Spectacular. I must say that between time with my family, friends and Christmas events, it was a great Christmas and I am very blessed. Now I am praying for a joyous 2010 where I can spend the 365 serving others and having an impact on the kingdom. More on my 2010 goals on the 1st!
Till then, God bless.
-ME-
On Christmas Eve day I drove to Raleigh and made it to my great Aunt and Uncle's house before dark. That evening we went to Bayleaf Baptist Church (where my family has gone for years and Pops is the Senior Adult Minister). The Christmas by Candlelight service was lovely. Two of my cousins and one of their friends joined us. After church we met at another Aunt and Uncle's house and a bunch of us chilled and had Christmas chili.
On Christmas Day Aunt S., Pops and I went over to Amber and Heather's for brunch and a few hours of just chilling and watching A Christmas Story. That was a blast, despite the pouring down rain.
That night Aunt S and I went back to Aunt C's. My cousin and his wife were around with their new baby (born on the 22). It was fun. I received a very fun gift from my cousins. Comfy pj's, slippers, two ornaments and a Packers cup. I love it!
All in all Christmas was wonderful. I wasn't with my parents and Grandma, but I was surrounded by people that love me, celebrating the birth of my Savior that loves me more than my family combined. I totally basked in the love.
Before Christmas I eeked out as much of the spirit as possible visiting different Christmas services at churches around town, and participating in the VA Christmas Spectacular. I must say that between time with my family, friends and Christmas events, it was a great Christmas and I am very blessed. Now I am praying for a joyous 2010 where I can spend the 365 serving others and having an impact on the kingdom. More on my 2010 goals on the 1st!
Till then, God bless.
-ME-
Describing Despression
Lately it has been harder and harder to drag myself out of bed. I go to bed exhausted, and after 8 hours of sleep I wake up with the same weight around my shoulders, wrapped around my wrists and tripping my legs. The weight is officially called “Depression”, with a big D. Depression for me has been harder to deal with than pop culture makes us believe. Or maybe it is just society.
In America we don’t like to think about the harsher realities of life. We like to escape on to Fantasy Island. We have our televisions feeding us mindless drivel and the same news stories hour after hour. We have our movie theaters showing a Hollywood version of life-where good conquers evil, and if it doesn’t, it will in the sequel. We have our sports to distract. Sports are an activity where happiness is dependent upon the final score.
Maybe I am just cynical as well as depressed, but life doesn’t seem like it is the American version of what we have going on. Life is about hard work and the rewards gained from honest living. That is my problem I am not honestly living. I know I am not doing what is right. As hard as I try I just get myself to change. I love my boyfriend, but should we really be living together? It doesn’t seem right, and the statistics say that we are more likely to divorce, if we even make it to the altar. Yet, it is the 21st C. and EVERYONE “tries before they buy” if you know what I mean?
That gets me on the whole topic of S-E-X. In the 21st C. Sex is everywhere and it is out in the open, yet it is still considered by some to be dirty. The people that discuss it are: lewd, risqué, or just modern. It is the norm, but it is not a norm that is appreciated by everyone. Makes me wonder if it is right, or if sex should be taken back to the bedroom and left out of the coffee shops and city parks. Should we be discussing with our girlfriends our favorite positions, locations and toys? Or should that go back to the diaries we keep under flimsy lock and key?
Faith is another big topic in America these days. You have your “religious right” those zealous Christians that are typified by men like Jerry Falwell, Billy Graham and Charles Stanley. They have their convictions and they stick to them, no matter what. Even if you don’t agree with them, it is somewhat appealing to see someone that is so sure of what life is all about. Lots of people in America claim to be spiritual, but what are worshipping and depending upon? Why are we here? I’d like to believe in a higher power, but what is it and why did it put me here?
Atheism has its own spirituality of sorts I guess, I just haven’t found it. By believing that “God is dead” or just that there never was a god gives a person freedom to choose to believe anything. There are no moral absolutes in atheism, because there is no deity to give us any. If I want to believe that murder is ok, it is my way of self-expression, than I can, because who is to say that I am wrong? What is wrong or right for that matter?
Finding a job in this economy is not easy. I have a PhD in education and I am not really using it. I am working as a paraprofessional in an urban school where the classes are overly crowded, because the district can’t afford to pay enough teachers, so the teachers they do have are under a lot of stress to teach too many students. Not to mention I am over qualified for my job! It isn’t that I don’t appreciate the work that a para does. I have great admiration for them, but I have a PhD for Pete’s sake, and I want to use to serve the students and the district, and I can’t because my position was cut.
All of these thoughts and others tumble around in my head every day. I hear them like they are voices-taunting me. I want answers, I want to see the sunshine in life again, but my days are all gloomy. It is no wonder the big D is heavy; it hangs from me and will not let me go. I have tried talking to a therapist, but all he did was prescribe some pills and told me to exercise more to increase the happy chemicals in my body. My sister is a therapist and she thinks if I go to back to another counselor it would help, but aren’t all counselors the same?
I just don’t know how to shed these chains, but it seems like the life I am living is not the life I could be living. I see my friends with smiles and I hear them laugh, and I wonder “when I will do that and not be acting?” There is no light at the end of my tunnel. I want 2010 to be better, but how do I make it better? I’ve tried just forcing myself to be happy, but happy is elusive, it is the vapor that I can see and smell but not grab.
There have to be answers and solutions-right? Life is about more than just dragging yourself out of bed each morning, right? Life is bigger than my abyss and it is sunny sometimes? I seem to recollect enjoying my childhood, was that how life is, or was I just innocent and ignorant? I am full of questions, but I can’t seem to find the answers and I want the answers. I think if I can find some of the answers I can shed some of this Depression.
If I could get rid of this emotional, physical, mental darkness life would be better. I feel so overwhelmed that I don’t even know where to start! Which question is most important to answer? What direction do I face to begin this journey out of Depression? I think maybe if I knew what the next year held, if I could prepare for what was to come, that might help? Not knowing where my life is going, if I will have a job, how I will pay the bills, and not being able to do what I really want to do, it is all so exhausting. I just WANT ANSWERS!
***This post is based upon a few conversations I have had with a friend. She said as long as she remains unnamed I can blog her thoughts. There are so many people dealing with depression and questions about life, and wondering if 2010 will be better than 2009, and thinking that it can’t possibly be much worse, so I figured her thoughts were timely.***
In America we don’t like to think about the harsher realities of life. We like to escape on to Fantasy Island. We have our televisions feeding us mindless drivel and the same news stories hour after hour. We have our movie theaters showing a Hollywood version of life-where good conquers evil, and if it doesn’t, it will in the sequel. We have our sports to distract. Sports are an activity where happiness is dependent upon the final score.
Maybe I am just cynical as well as depressed, but life doesn’t seem like it is the American version of what we have going on. Life is about hard work and the rewards gained from honest living. That is my problem I am not honestly living. I know I am not doing what is right. As hard as I try I just get myself to change. I love my boyfriend, but should we really be living together? It doesn’t seem right, and the statistics say that we are more likely to divorce, if we even make it to the altar. Yet, it is the 21st C. and EVERYONE “tries before they buy” if you know what I mean?
That gets me on the whole topic of S-E-X. In the 21st C. Sex is everywhere and it is out in the open, yet it is still considered by some to be dirty. The people that discuss it are: lewd, risqué, or just modern. It is the norm, but it is not a norm that is appreciated by everyone. Makes me wonder if it is right, or if sex should be taken back to the bedroom and left out of the coffee shops and city parks. Should we be discussing with our girlfriends our favorite positions, locations and toys? Or should that go back to the diaries we keep under flimsy lock and key?
Faith is another big topic in America these days. You have your “religious right” those zealous Christians that are typified by men like Jerry Falwell, Billy Graham and Charles Stanley. They have their convictions and they stick to them, no matter what. Even if you don’t agree with them, it is somewhat appealing to see someone that is so sure of what life is all about. Lots of people in America claim to be spiritual, but what are worshipping and depending upon? Why are we here? I’d like to believe in a higher power, but what is it and why did it put me here?
Atheism has its own spirituality of sorts I guess, I just haven’t found it. By believing that “God is dead” or just that there never was a god gives a person freedom to choose to believe anything. There are no moral absolutes in atheism, because there is no deity to give us any. If I want to believe that murder is ok, it is my way of self-expression, than I can, because who is to say that I am wrong? What is wrong or right for that matter?
Finding a job in this economy is not easy. I have a PhD in education and I am not really using it. I am working as a paraprofessional in an urban school where the classes are overly crowded, because the district can’t afford to pay enough teachers, so the teachers they do have are under a lot of stress to teach too many students. Not to mention I am over qualified for my job! It isn’t that I don’t appreciate the work that a para does. I have great admiration for them, but I have a PhD for Pete’s sake, and I want to use to serve the students and the district, and I can’t because my position was cut.
All of these thoughts and others tumble around in my head every day. I hear them like they are voices-taunting me. I want answers, I want to see the sunshine in life again, but my days are all gloomy. It is no wonder the big D is heavy; it hangs from me and will not let me go. I have tried talking to a therapist, but all he did was prescribe some pills and told me to exercise more to increase the happy chemicals in my body. My sister is a therapist and she thinks if I go to back to another counselor it would help, but aren’t all counselors the same?
I just don’t know how to shed these chains, but it seems like the life I am living is not the life I could be living. I see my friends with smiles and I hear them laugh, and I wonder “when I will do that and not be acting?” There is no light at the end of my tunnel. I want 2010 to be better, but how do I make it better? I’ve tried just forcing myself to be happy, but happy is elusive, it is the vapor that I can see and smell but not grab.
There have to be answers and solutions-right? Life is about more than just dragging yourself out of bed each morning, right? Life is bigger than my abyss and it is sunny sometimes? I seem to recollect enjoying my childhood, was that how life is, or was I just innocent and ignorant? I am full of questions, but I can’t seem to find the answers and I want the answers. I think if I can find some of the answers I can shed some of this Depression.
If I could get rid of this emotional, physical, mental darkness life would be better. I feel so overwhelmed that I don’t even know where to start! Which question is most important to answer? What direction do I face to begin this journey out of Depression? I think maybe if I knew what the next year held, if I could prepare for what was to come, that might help? Not knowing where my life is going, if I will have a job, how I will pay the bills, and not being able to do what I really want to do, it is all so exhausting. I just WANT ANSWERS!
***This post is based upon a few conversations I have had with a friend. She said as long as she remains unnamed I can blog her thoughts. There are so many people dealing with depression and questions about life, and wondering if 2010 will be better than 2009, and thinking that it can’t possibly be much worse, so I figured her thoughts were timely.***
Thursday, December 24, 2009
End of Fall Snowstorm
Here in VA Fall left with a bang and the reality of winter hit hard. Forest (where I live) received 16 wonderful inches of snow! It was cold, it was beautiful and it was fun! The snow also created quite a mess! I love snow. The snow creates such a glorious winter wonderland. I could go and on about how snow is allegorical to life, but I'll spare y'all the story!
The snowstorm began on Friday afternoon. I was out Christmas shopping with a dear friend. We were in Barnes and Noble when the flurries began. 3 of my favorite things: a good friend, books to peruse and snow! What a great start to the weekend. My friend and I finished up our shopping and went to her condo where we played in the snow, took pictures and enjoyed the weather. When we were both cold we headed inside for dinner. Her boyfriend came over and the three of us made yummy cookies before I headed home to get all snug and cozy in my apartment.
I had a terrible time sleeping Friday night. I was too enthralled with the snow, I didn't want to waste a moment by sleeping! Queenie and I spent a lot of time curled up together watching the snow hurry and scurry to the ground. Saturday I spent the day with my neighbor (and good friend) enjoying the storm and the friendship. Saturday evening our landlords came over and we shoveled the drive-way.
Most of the town shut down over the weekend, due to the massive amounts of snow (massive is a relative term I know!). My church was still open Sunday morning, and the choir director requested that if it was possible, could we sojourn out for the 11am service.
Being that I am from the land of cold, snowy winters, I ventured out. Normally it takes around 15 minutes to get to church. I left with more than enough time. On the way I stopped to pick up a good friend. It was there that I made a rookie mistake, of which I hate to admit. I got...STUCK...yep... I got my car stuck on a hill I KNEW not to attempt. Luckily God provided some nice people to help, and we were able to make it to church 1 HOUR after I left my house, but in time for choir and the service. It was a good service.
M and I spent the afternoon at the mall (yep I went to the mall the Sunday before Christmas) and that was fun. I saw a GORGEOUS ring & necklace set at Zales. Boy was it beautiful! After the mall we still were not quite ready to head home, so we went to Barnes and Noble and had some Starbucks and browsed. Then I dropped M off at his place and continued on my merry way to my apt.
The roads were snow covered and icy, but not actually all that bad, till I made it less than a block from home. I could practically see my apartment...there was a guy in a truck with a blade clearing some apartment parking lots. He shoved a big pile of snow in the road. On the far side of the road is a ditch, but NO he couldn't take the extra 4 seconds to shove the snow in the ditch! The car in front of me got stuck, I got stuck and two other cars got stuck, all before he figured out what the problem was! We helped each other and that was that. But boy was it irritating to get stuck TWICE!!!! And I call myself a Wyoming gal! ARGH!!!
All in all it was a GREAT weekend full of time of with friends and SNOW, SNOW, SNOW. I hope that this is a sign of the winter ahead, I can use all the snow I can get.
But the story of the storm doesn't end there. Due to melting and weather conditions there have been power outages since the storm started. My neighborhood was out of power for HOURS this afternoon. Luckily, now I have electricity, so I am going to snuggle under my covers, turn on a Christmas movie and prepare for the holidays that have begun, and enjoy what is left of our white pre-Christmas.
Happy Birthday Jesus and Merry Christmas to all!!!
-ME-
The snowstorm began on Friday afternoon. I was out Christmas shopping with a dear friend. We were in Barnes and Noble when the flurries began. 3 of my favorite things: a good friend, books to peruse and snow! What a great start to the weekend. My friend and I finished up our shopping and went to her condo where we played in the snow, took pictures and enjoyed the weather. When we were both cold we headed inside for dinner. Her boyfriend came over and the three of us made yummy cookies before I headed home to get all snug and cozy in my apartment.
I had a terrible time sleeping Friday night. I was too enthralled with the snow, I didn't want to waste a moment by sleeping! Queenie and I spent a lot of time curled up together watching the snow hurry and scurry to the ground. Saturday I spent the day with my neighbor (and good friend) enjoying the storm and the friendship. Saturday evening our landlords came over and we shoveled the drive-way.
Most of the town shut down over the weekend, due to the massive amounts of snow (massive is a relative term I know!). My church was still open Sunday morning, and the choir director requested that if it was possible, could we sojourn out for the 11am service.
Being that I am from the land of cold, snowy winters, I ventured out. Normally it takes around 15 minutes to get to church. I left with more than enough time. On the way I stopped to pick up a good friend. It was there that I made a rookie mistake, of which I hate to admit. I got...STUCK...yep... I got my car stuck on a hill I KNEW not to attempt. Luckily God provided some nice people to help, and we were able to make it to church 1 HOUR after I left my house, but in time for choir and the service. It was a good service.
M and I spent the afternoon at the mall (yep I went to the mall the Sunday before Christmas) and that was fun. I saw a GORGEOUS ring & necklace set at Zales. Boy was it beautiful! After the mall we still were not quite ready to head home, so we went to Barnes and Noble and had some Starbucks and browsed. Then I dropped M off at his place and continued on my merry way to my apt.
The roads were snow covered and icy, but not actually all that bad, till I made it less than a block from home. I could practically see my apartment...there was a guy in a truck with a blade clearing some apartment parking lots. He shoved a big pile of snow in the road. On the far side of the road is a ditch, but NO he couldn't take the extra 4 seconds to shove the snow in the ditch! The car in front of me got stuck, I got stuck and two other cars got stuck, all before he figured out what the problem was! We helped each other and that was that. But boy was it irritating to get stuck TWICE!!!! And I call myself a Wyoming gal! ARGH!!!
All in all it was a GREAT weekend full of time of with friends and SNOW, SNOW, SNOW. I hope that this is a sign of the winter ahead, I can use all the snow I can get.
But the story of the storm doesn't end there. Due to melting and weather conditions there have been power outages since the storm started. My neighborhood was out of power for HOURS this afternoon. Luckily, now I have electricity, so I am going to snuggle under my covers, turn on a Christmas movie and prepare for the holidays that have begun, and enjoy what is left of our white pre-Christmas.
Happy Birthday Jesus and Merry Christmas to all!!!
-ME-
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