Wednesday, December 30, 2009

Describing Despression

Lately it has been harder and harder to drag myself out of bed. I go to bed exhausted, and after 8 hours of sleep I wake up with the same weight around my shoulders, wrapped around my wrists and tripping my legs. The weight is officially called “Depression”, with a big D. Depression for me has been harder to deal with than pop culture makes us believe. Or maybe it is just society.

In America we don’t like to think about the harsher realities of life. We like to escape on to Fantasy Island. We have our televisions feeding us mindless drivel and the same news stories hour after hour. We have our movie theaters showing a Hollywood version of life-where good conquers evil, and if it doesn’t, it will in the sequel. We have our sports to distract. Sports are an activity where happiness is dependent upon the final score.

Maybe I am just cynical as well as depressed, but life doesn’t seem like it is the American version of what we have going on. Life is about hard work and the rewards gained from honest living. That is my problem I am not honestly living. I know I am not doing what is right. As hard as I try I just get myself to change. I love my boyfriend, but should we really be living together? It doesn’t seem right, and the statistics say that we are more likely to divorce, if we even make it to the altar. Yet, it is the 21st C. and EVERYONE “tries before they buy” if you know what I mean?

That gets me on the whole topic of S-E-X. In the 21st C. Sex is everywhere and it is out in the open, yet it is still considered by some to be dirty. The people that discuss it are: lewd, risqué, or just modern. It is the norm, but it is not a norm that is appreciated by everyone. Makes me wonder if it is right, or if sex should be taken back to the bedroom and left out of the coffee shops and city parks. Should we be discussing with our girlfriends our favorite positions, locations and toys? Or should that go back to the diaries we keep under flimsy lock and key?

Faith is another big topic in America these days. You have your “religious right” those zealous Christians that are typified by men like Jerry Falwell, Billy Graham and Charles Stanley. They have their convictions and they stick to them, no matter what. Even if you don’t agree with them, it is somewhat appealing to see someone that is so sure of what life is all about. Lots of people in America claim to be spiritual, but what are worshipping and depending upon? Why are we here? I’d like to believe in a higher power, but what is it and why did it put me here?

Atheism has its own spirituality of sorts I guess, I just haven’t found it. By believing that “God is dead” or just that there never was a god gives a person freedom to choose to believe anything. There are no moral absolutes in atheism, because there is no deity to give us any. If I want to believe that murder is ok, it is my way of self-expression, than I can, because who is to say that I am wrong? What is wrong or right for that matter?

Finding a job in this economy is not easy. I have a PhD in education and I am not really using it. I am working as a paraprofessional in an urban school where the classes are overly crowded, because the district can’t afford to pay enough teachers, so the teachers they do have are under a lot of stress to teach too many students. Not to mention I am over qualified for my job! It isn’t that I don’t appreciate the work that a para does. I have great admiration for them, but I have a PhD for Pete’s sake, and I want to use to serve the students and the district, and I can’t because my position was cut.

All of these thoughts and others tumble around in my head every day. I hear them like they are voices-taunting me. I want answers, I want to see the sunshine in life again, but my days are all gloomy. It is no wonder the big D is heavy; it hangs from me and will not let me go. I have tried talking to a therapist, but all he did was prescribe some pills and told me to exercise more to increase the happy chemicals in my body. My sister is a therapist and she thinks if I go to back to another counselor it would help, but aren’t all counselors the same?
I just don’t know how to shed these chains, but it seems like the life I am living is not the life I could be living. I see my friends with smiles and I hear them laugh, and I wonder “when I will do that and not be acting?” There is no light at the end of my tunnel. I want 2010 to be better, but how do I make it better? I’ve tried just forcing myself to be happy, but happy is elusive, it is the vapor that I can see and smell but not grab.

There have to be answers and solutions-right? Life is about more than just dragging yourself out of bed each morning, right? Life is bigger than my abyss and it is sunny sometimes? I seem to recollect enjoying my childhood, was that how life is, or was I just innocent and ignorant? I am full of questions, but I can’t seem to find the answers and I want the answers. I think if I can find some of the answers I can shed some of this Depression.

If I could get rid of this emotional, physical, mental darkness life would be better. I feel so overwhelmed that I don’t even know where to start! Which question is most important to answer? What direction do I face to begin this journey out of Depression? I think maybe if I knew what the next year held, if I could prepare for what was to come, that might help? Not knowing where my life is going, if I will have a job, how I will pay the bills, and not being able to do what I really want to do, it is all so exhausting. I just WANT ANSWERS!



***This post is based upon a few conversations I have had with a friend. She said as long as she remains unnamed I can blog her thoughts. There are so many people dealing with depression and questions about life, and wondering if 2010 will be better than 2009, and thinking that it can’t possibly be much worse, so I figured her thoughts were timely.***

No comments: