I was reading through some of my blogs earlier and I realized that I started this blog almost 5 years ago as a way to show other rape and sexual abuse victims and survivors (and yes there is a difference) that life does goes on, and it can be really great. Yet, I haven't talked much about that lately at all. This has become just more a diary. I want to get back on track.
Rape and sexual abuse (and abuse of any kind) is a MAJOR life event. It isn't something that happens and you can just put behind you. In February it will be 10 years for me, and there are still days when I'm haunted, there are still repercussions I deal with.
On the other hand, it isn't something that has to define the rest of your life, it doesn't have to be a pit that you fall in with no way out. It is possible to no longer be a victim, but to be a survivor. You CAN thrive after abuse.
To be blunt, abuse SUCKS! That thought should be obvious but it needs to be stated. Having to deal with abuse is awful, it something that no one should ever have to deal with, but all too many of us do.
You may be wondering how to move on. You may read this and think that it is impossible to smile again, to laugh, and that living joyfully after all that you experienced is just a joke. You are grieving for what happened, and that is natural, and good. Grief is a part of healing. So is anger- anger at your abuser, anger at yourself, anger at the world.
Let yourself grieve, let yourself be angry, be honest about how you feel. Most importantly find someone to talk with. It doesn't have to be a professional (though pros are the best-ok so as one I'm biased, but still...!), talk with a pastor, talk with family, talk with a friend. Just find someone. By sharing you lessen the burden you are carrying, you take away some of its power, and you regain some.
Realize that becoming a survivor takes a lot of time. Be patient, but also find ways to bring back happiness. At first it may feel forced, but bit by bit, day by day you will see that you are moving on, that you feel less of a victim and more of a survivor. The bottom line is that you were shoved into this horrific situation, and now you have to chose what to do about it. You have to chose to be a survivor, to do the hard work. It is easier to wallow in fear, grief, anger and pity. It isn't fair, but it is what it is.
The light at the end of the tunnel is joy, it is peace, it is being able laugh again, to smile, to have an amazing life. You just have to take one step right now, just one small step. Be honest about what happened and chose to deal with it. Say to yourself, "This happened to me. It sucks, life sucks right now, the outlook is bleak. Life can change though, I chose to work to get better. I chose to survive."
Praying for you and your journey. If you need a list of resources, someone in your area to talk with, let me know. You didn't deserve this, you are God's child.
-JLP-
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