6 Years Ago Today: the 411

6 Years Ago today. Many of you may know that today is my anniversary. Really it is a birthday for me. The old me was stolen and the new me was born. A radical change in some ways, and in other ways I was able to mask the rebirth. I was reborn through fear, pain, humiliation, shame, fear and pain. Yet, I was reborn.

I belong to a blog for survivors of sexual crimes. As I communicate with other members I realize how far I have come in my healing journey, and just how much of a mountain I still have to climb. Living with this in my past is not easy or fun, or something I would wish on my worst enemy. But it is also not a "fate worse than death." That is romanticizing the brutality too much. I'd much rather still be alive than dead. Even though with death comes eternal life with my Savior, JC. I'd still much rather be alive, because I haven't accomplished the plan God has for me.

Each day of my journey begins and I do not know what it will contain. Yes, this is true for everyone, rape survivors and everyone else. For us survivors it is different though. Will I have a flashback so profound that I vomit and have a panic attack so bad that I want to run and hide? Will I see someone that reminds me of my attackers? What do people think of me when they see me? Can they tell what happened just by looking at me? Life is stressful enough without the baggage.

"Come to Me all you who are weary and I will give rest." (Jesus) Such a profound statement, and one that I have to grab hold of each day, sometimes a plethora of times a day. I do get weary, very weary. Weary of being afraid, weary of the flashbacks and feeling dirty, used, abused. Weary of life. Just plain old weary. This promise is one of my favorites.

Many of you reading this may be asking: what are you talking about? What happened? Well, I'll tell ya. When I was a freshman in college I was brutally raped by two men, in my own bedroom at a "Christian" university. I'm still not able to talk about all that went on that morning (started at 3:19am (the time is forever etched into my mind). Let me just say that these two men were into some pretty kinky, fetish crapola.

So for me Ground Hog's Day is not all that great of a day. In some ways it is a day to celebrate and thank God that I'm alive, but in other ways it is a reminder to me of just how awful evil is, and how much of hellish place this earth has become. Darn Adam and Eve anyway. I still wonder why it is that I can forgive people that have hurt me, I have even forgiven my two rapists, but I can't seem to forgive Adam and Eve for eatting that forbidden fruit. I hope it tasted good, because the consequences have been so unimaginably immense. I do wonder if Adam and Eve are in Heaven right now.

Yes, I have been able to forgive my 2 rapists. Sounds unbelievable, but it isn't under my power. I realized last year that I had to. My hatred wasn't hurting them, it was hurting me and more importantly my relationship with Christ. Forgiveness was just a step toward healing.

The way I see it, if Jesus can forgive me for my sins, and can forgive all of humanity, even as He lay upon the cross dying, than I need to forgive my rapists. It is my duty as a Christ loving Christian.

Yet, the forgiveness is only a step. It doesn't mean that I've forgotten what happened, that now I'm able to live life as if it never happened. It did happen, and I'm paying for it. Yet, I'm learning how to live a life that is full of a new joy. A joy born of pain, but fuller because of the pain. I have learned in these 6 years that God is amazing, and God was there for me, even when I ran away from Him, God was still there.

God loves me so much and wants me to have a full and joyful life. That joy comes NOT of circumstances, but of obedience. Obedience to Him and His plans for my life. Walking in accordance to God's will, and letting my will turn to His-that is joy. Joy is not an "easy" life. It isn't having so much money that Paris looks like a pauper. It is walking step in step with Christ.

6 Years Ago Today I saw evil face to face. 6 Years Ago Today I went to my own personal Hell. Guess what? Time has passed, and my life continues. It is on a different track now, but none the less continues. Life is still amazing. I have a huge Everest to climb, but I am determined to climb it step by step. There are days when I need a friend to help carry me, and days where I feel like I can just run up the mountain. No matter what type of day it is, God is there beside me, encouraging me. He is there as my guide and coach. Days when I probably exasperate Him, and days when I am stellar.

AMAZING! 6 Years Ago Today.

I don't know what the next 6 days will bring, much less the next 6 years, but I do know that as long as I am walking in obedience to Christ than I can handle what comes my way. I know where my joy comes from. I now have the tools to handle pain, fear, humiliation, shame, evil. It isn't easy. Jesus doesn't promise us easy.

Jesus promises us that He is with us, always. If God is for us, who really is against us? No one and nothing can take us out of God's protection. This does not mean that we won't come to harm, we may. Christians die just like everyone else. It does mean that God is there, and that ultimately we have a secure future-a future of eternity with Him in Heaven. I am excited to go and get to worship at the feet of my Savior. The One that loves me so much, more than I can ever imagine. I get to spend eternity with Him!!!!!

That was true 6 Years Ago Today, and it is still true today. It will still be true in 600 hundreds years. My future is secure. Is yours? Will you and I be worshipping Christ together in 6000 years?