Journal from February 2, 2008

***** I thought that as I introduce a week of posts on PTSD I would include my journal entry from Feb. 2, 2008 my 6 year anniversary.******


Dear Journal,
I'd think by now that I would be better. All the manuals that I've studied, all the research and data shows that I should be better. I've sought help through studies, through friends and through counseling. So why won't this go away? Why do the nightmares, daymares, hallucinations and the anxiety still exist. Somedays I feel like it only happened a few months ago, not 6 years. Six years is a long time, I should be better by now. So why am I not? What purpose does the Lord have in allowing this problem to continue to plague me? Haven't I done my penance or whatever? I could deal with this better if I knew what purpose it served!
PTSD is an ugly, ugly thing. It is a wound that no one else can see. If I allow them, and if my walls crack, than the effects are quite visible, but the wound itself is invisible. It is there, and yet, how do I explain it? How do I explain what is going on in my head? One minute I'm fine, and then I'll see someone that reminds me of one of my attackers and I'll have a panic attack, or maybe it will wait and show up in my dreams.
The dreams are the worst part for me. For some, sleep is an escape. For me it is torture. All to often I relive the rape, or the attack by my ex, but the rape is much, much worse. I'm back there. Back to being helpless, the captive to 2 men and a gun. Back to being at their mercy, to feeling everything, seeing it, hearing myself, and hearing them. What they said was almost as bad as what they did, but nothing is that evil, nothing.
I wake up and I'm covered in sweat, and all I want to do is take a shower or a bath, but moving from my bed is too scary. It takes 10-20 minutes just to shake the dream enough so that I can make it to the tub, and there I generally stand, letting the water course over me, so hot that it hurts, but I need it that hot to burn away the fear.
Waking up alone in my bed is the worst. Knowing that I'm alone. I have God, and I love HIM, I do! I have my friends, family and my cat, but when it comes to dealing with this stuff, I deal with it alone, I wake up alone, I shower alone, I wash the dread away alone, and I go about my business, w/o that someone to lean on, I have to lean on myself. I pray and that does help, because God is the God of Help and comfort. He is my gentle Shepherd, but He still hasn't removed all the fear, pain, and repercussions of my life.
I could deal with it better if I knew WHY! I'm not normally a "why me?" person, and that isn't the point. I can deal with it, I have for 6 years now. I want to why it still plagues me, and how God expects to turn the pain and evil into good. What is His plan in all this?
I'm working on my book and I hope to get it published. I hope and pray to be able to work with other trauma victims and help them see the healing power of Christ. Because as much as I still suffer, it isn't everyday anymore, and I see that I am much stronger, more in love with Christ, and better able to take care of myself than I ever have been. It is just that in these dark hours, when it creeps back up that I'm back to being the victim. It is an attitude that I have to squelch. I have to push it down and remind myself of the blessings in my life, the good things, the fact that I am safe here (I hope!). It comes back, but it isn't as bad as it once was, because it isn't as often and I've learned that getting drunk isn't the answer. Running to God is the answer.
So, as I contemplate the strides that I have made in the past 6 years I can look back with some pride and thankfulness that I am getting better and I can face a future that will be even brighter. Yet, the problems are still there, the fear, the anxiety, the nightmares are still vivid, the PTSD is still real, but I've now learned the secret and that is JESUS. Jesus is the secret to joyfully getting through the next year.
Thank You Jesus,
Paige


***Sorry this post is so long, but I felt the Lord tugging at my heart to include the whole entry. Right now I'm trying to find a way to link my research paper on PTSD to this site, so that I don't have to just post the whole thing (it is 20+ pages long). If you have any ideas let me know! Thanks!***

-Paige-