So here I am it is April 29 and I graduate on May 9. I am sitting in the law school library because it is a quieter, nicer place for study and work than the main campus library. I thought that being surrounded by a bunch of studious, wannabe (said in a respectful way---I'm a wannabe counselor) lawyers would motivate me to be studious and get this paper written.
It isn't even like I'm writing about something foreign...my topic is PTSD in children. I'm WELL versed in PTSD and I understand child development, so 20 pages should not be that hard to come up with, right???
Apparently today is just not a good day for academic pursuits for this grad student! I am having the hardest time on this paper and I do not know why!!! I LOVE to write and I am passionate (obviously if you are a faithful reader) about PTSD and helping children. So, this should be no problem. And it isn't like I have a bunch of better options for spending my evening...most of my friends are students, so we are all in the same boat this week and next!
I'm so close to being finished with my M.A.P.C (Master of Arts in Pastoral Counseling). Just this one paper and 2 finals to go...so close...It is funny to me that I am having this many problems. I LOVE school. I'm very nerd-like. Studying, reading textbooks, doing research...all that is...FUN for me (yeah I know...but y'all love me anyway! So what does that say about you???). I find joy in the learning. So, this paper should be a breeze. But NO...it is fighting being written...the paper is putting up a battle, it does not want to be written!
Have no fear readers, for I with the aid of the Lord, will prevail! I WILL write this paper! It WILL be an A quality paper, and it WILL happen this week (it is due Sunday at 11:59pm est)!!! I can do it!
I'm SO CLOSE to the finish...I will not let the end of semester fatigue win! (I have motivating theme music going through my head...think Chariots of Fire or Aretha Franklin or something motivating!).
I have to finish because I have my graduation gown, my robe, cap and hood hanging in my closet. I did not survive an afternoon at the mall for nothing! I'm going to finish so that I can wear my new dress and look all pretty (and maybe a bit sexy, nothing wrong with that in my book, as long as it isn't over the top to trampy)next Saturday.
So, till then I must remember my motivating theme music and write this darn paper!!!
In Christ,
Paige
Wednesday, April 29, 2009
Thursday, April 23, 2009
Focusing on the Light
I had a therapy session this morning, which was a very needed thing if you've kept up with my blog. I'm still praying about whether or not I should go on Abilify for awhile, but for now I'm not. But we will see.
Anyway, after my session (or really during it) I realized a few things and one of them is that I need to focus more on the light, or good things in this life. God has blessed me with so much. As my counselor was saying I have been through a lot, and I've seen and experienced first hand more than my fair share of the dark side of life and the evil of this world. I know that life can really be yucky.
And yes, I haven't really grieved for Em or now for Mike and Tiffany, but I need to let myself when I am ready to grieve. I haven't yet because I'm not yet ready to grieve, and the grief will come in its own time. I need to know worry so much on that and focus on the light.
By focusing on the light I mean the lighter side of life, the good things. As much yuckiness as I've experienced I've also experienced so many good things too. I was there the night my nephew was born and that is pretty cool, I graduated from college with a pretty high GPA, I had a job that I was quite good at for 2 years. I've participated in and attended multiple weddings for friends, and now I'm about to graduate from seminary with a Master's degree in counseling and go on for a PhD in pastoral counseling. That is quite a lot of GOOD stuff (even factoring out what I had to overcome to make it this far)! I need to focus on those, and on the daily blessings in my life as well.
One of the daily blessings that I know I sometimes take for granted are my friends. I'm surrounded by a myriad of wonderful people here in VA. I have people that are here and that care for me, and that I can come to when life has me down, but are also my friends and just FUN to be with all the time. I'd list them, but I don't want to leave anyone out.
I also have a cat that I love and that keeps the house from being lonely. I have the opportunity to study and get educated to fulfill my calling, and VA is just a beautiful state. As much as I love the mountains of Wyoming, and I do, I've fallen in love with VA and I am so blessed to be, surrounded by natural beauty.
I could go on and on listing the good things. I need to focus on them and focus on the Giver of all those good things. The grief will come when I'm ready, and I should not try to force it. So for now I'm going to focus on Christ and revel in the blessings that He showers me with each and every day, for even in the midst of the darkness there is joy and blessing.
-Paige-
Anyway, after my session (or really during it) I realized a few things and one of them is that I need to focus more on the light, or good things in this life. God has blessed me with so much. As my counselor was saying I have been through a lot, and I've seen and experienced first hand more than my fair share of the dark side of life and the evil of this world. I know that life can really be yucky.
And yes, I haven't really grieved for Em or now for Mike and Tiffany, but I need to let myself when I am ready to grieve. I haven't yet because I'm not yet ready to grieve, and the grief will come in its own time. I need to know worry so much on that and focus on the light.
By focusing on the light I mean the lighter side of life, the good things. As much yuckiness as I've experienced I've also experienced so many good things too. I was there the night my nephew was born and that is pretty cool, I graduated from college with a pretty high GPA, I had a job that I was quite good at for 2 years. I've participated in and attended multiple weddings for friends, and now I'm about to graduate from seminary with a Master's degree in counseling and go on for a PhD in pastoral counseling. That is quite a lot of GOOD stuff (even factoring out what I had to overcome to make it this far)! I need to focus on those, and on the daily blessings in my life as well.
One of the daily blessings that I know I sometimes take for granted are my friends. I'm surrounded by a myriad of wonderful people here in VA. I have people that are here and that care for me, and that I can come to when life has me down, but are also my friends and just FUN to be with all the time. I'd list them, but I don't want to leave anyone out.
I also have a cat that I love and that keeps the house from being lonely. I have the opportunity to study and get educated to fulfill my calling, and VA is just a beautiful state. As much as I love the mountains of Wyoming, and I do, I've fallen in love with VA and I am so blessed to be, surrounded by natural beauty.
I could go on and on listing the good things. I need to focus on them and focus on the Giver of all those good things. The grief will come when I'm ready, and I should not try to force it. So for now I'm going to focus on Christ and revel in the blessings that He showers me with each and every day, for even in the midst of the darkness there is joy and blessing.
-Paige-
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
Blogging Therapy
Do you ever feel like you are drowning in psychological turmoil? Do you ever feel like life is giving you more than you can bear. I don't care what the Bible says, there are just times when it seems like I just can't go on. There are moments when I'm so overwhelmed that it would be so magnificently great for the Rapture to happen. There are times when I'm just ready to go HOME and I don't mean to my apartment, or even to my parents' house, I mean HOME--HEAVEN.
This is one of those times. Well, ever since my rape it has been one of those times. Life is just HARD. I try to be cheerful and not unload too much on my friends, because I don't want to be one of THOSE people, that is super needy and always going through S**T, but it seems like life is just like that sometimes. This is also one of those times where I have to fight my fears and my doubts, where I have to fight the naggling insinuations that sneak in and say, "Does Jesus really love you? If HE did, do you really think HE would make you deal with this?"
Where do you go and what do you do when life is like that, when you are literally drowning and Christ's outstretched arm still seems out of reach? What do you do when you try and try and just can't seem to grasp onto Christ? I know that Jesus is there and that He loves me. I know that God has a plan for my life, and that what Satan means for evil, God can use for good. I know that if I give my cares to Christ He will lighten my load. I KNOW all of that. I can quote the verses as well as ANYONE. BUT...right now that just doesn't seem to be working.
Right now I just want the pain to be gone...I want to feel joy again, I want to be able to REALLY enjoy life, and it seems like every time I start to, Satan and his minions come back. There are times when I just get so TIRED fighting him. There are times when I want to cling to Christ and I know that if I could reach just a little farther, I'd feel HIS comfort and I'd find my relief...but it seems just out of reach.
I wish I had happier stuff to blog about...but that isn't my life right now. Right now I'm just trying to make sense of everything.
I guess when life is like this I just have stretch even farther, because Jesus is never out of reach, we just sometimes have to work harder to get through the evil and reach Him. So I'm going to give that a try, I'm going to just work harder and I'm going to cling to the promises HE gives me in His love letter.
28 Do you not know?
Have you not heard?
The LORD is the everlasting God,
the Creator of the ends of the earth.
He will not grow tired or weary,
and his understanding no one can fathom.
29 He gives strength to the weary
and increases the power of the weak.
30 Even youths grow tired and weary,
and young men stumble and fall;
31 but those who hope in the LORD
will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary,
they will walk and not be faint. (Is. 40: 28-31 NIV)
28And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. 29For those God foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the likeness of his Son, that he might be the firstborn among many brothers. 30And those he predestined, he also called; those he called, he also justified; those he justified, he also glorified.
31What, then, shall we say in response to this? If God is for us, who can be against us? 32He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all—how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things?
33Who will bring any charge against those whom God has chosen? It is God who justifies. 34Who is he that condemns? Christ Jesus, who died—more than that, who was raised to life—is at the right hand of God and is also interceding for us. 35Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword? (Romans 8:31-35 NIV)
1 There is a time for everything,
and a season for every activity under heaven:
2 a time to be born and a time to die,
a time to plant and a time to uproot,
3 a time to kill and a time to heal,
a time to tear down and a time to build,
4 a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance,
5 a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
a time to embrace and a time to refrain,
6 a time to search and a time to give up,
a time to keep and a time to throw away,
7 a time to tear and a time to mend,
a time to be silent and a time to speak,
8 a time to love and a time to hate,
a time for war and a time for peace. (Ecc. 3:1-8)
4He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away."
5He who was seated on the throne said, "I am making everything new!" (Rev. 21:4-5a)
What I need to remember as I go through this period and deal with all that is coming my way is that Christ is not surprised, and Christ has not moved. He is right here with me, and when I hurt so does He. He is wanting to take my pain, I just have to be willing to give it to Him and let Him keep it. There is also a glorious hope that awaits all Christians and that is eternity in the new Heaven, and on the new Earth. I can rest assured that no matter how horrible this life seems, I just have to persevere because it only gets better. This Earth is as close as I'll get to Hell. Heaven awaits and it worth whatever we have to go through. We each just have to remain faithful. If our name is in the Lamb's Book of Life than our fate is secured and this life is just about staying the course, clinging to our Savior and helping as many others as possible get their names in that book.
It amazes me how therapeutic it is just to express my feelings and then read the Scripture (and listen to worship music). Just by being honest with myself I feel so much better, and I know that it is not as bleak as it can seem when I just keep things bottled up. By sharing what is going on, we can grow and move on. The issues are still here. I still have to work through them, but the tunnel is shorter, so the light is brighter. Talking doesn't always fix everything, as a counselor I understand that better than many people. But it is a step, and this life is about taking it one step at a time while we focus on the light of Christ.
Do you have anything you need to sound off about? It will help, I promise!
-Paige-
This is one of those times. Well, ever since my rape it has been one of those times. Life is just HARD. I try to be cheerful and not unload too much on my friends, because I don't want to be one of THOSE people, that is super needy and always going through S**T, but it seems like life is just like that sometimes. This is also one of those times where I have to fight my fears and my doubts, where I have to fight the naggling insinuations that sneak in and say, "Does Jesus really love you? If HE did, do you really think HE would make you deal with this?"
Where do you go and what do you do when life is like that, when you are literally drowning and Christ's outstretched arm still seems out of reach? What do you do when you try and try and just can't seem to grasp onto Christ? I know that Jesus is there and that He loves me. I know that God has a plan for my life, and that what Satan means for evil, God can use for good. I know that if I give my cares to Christ He will lighten my load. I KNOW all of that. I can quote the verses as well as ANYONE. BUT...right now that just doesn't seem to be working.
Right now I just want the pain to be gone...I want to feel joy again, I want to be able to REALLY enjoy life, and it seems like every time I start to, Satan and his minions come back. There are times when I just get so TIRED fighting him. There are times when I want to cling to Christ and I know that if I could reach just a little farther, I'd feel HIS comfort and I'd find my relief...but it seems just out of reach.
I wish I had happier stuff to blog about...but that isn't my life right now. Right now I'm just trying to make sense of everything.
I guess when life is like this I just have stretch even farther, because Jesus is never out of reach, we just sometimes have to work harder to get through the evil and reach Him. So I'm going to give that a try, I'm going to just work harder and I'm going to cling to the promises HE gives me in His love letter.
28 Do you not know?
Have you not heard?
The LORD is the everlasting God,
the Creator of the ends of the earth.
He will not grow tired or weary,
and his understanding no one can fathom.
29 He gives strength to the weary
and increases the power of the weak.
30 Even youths grow tired and weary,
and young men stumble and fall;
31 but those who hope in the LORD
will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary,
they will walk and not be faint. (Is. 40: 28-31 NIV)
28And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. 29For those God foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the likeness of his Son, that he might be the firstborn among many brothers. 30And those he predestined, he also called; those he called, he also justified; those he justified, he also glorified.
31What, then, shall we say in response to this? If God is for us, who can be against us? 32He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all—how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things?
33Who will bring any charge against those whom God has chosen? It is God who justifies. 34Who is he that condemns? Christ Jesus, who died—more than that, who was raised to life—is at the right hand of God and is also interceding for us. 35Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword? (Romans 8:31-35 NIV)
1 There is a time for everything,
and a season for every activity under heaven:
2 a time to be born and a time to die,
a time to plant and a time to uproot,
3 a time to kill and a time to heal,
a time to tear down and a time to build,
4 a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance,
5 a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
a time to embrace and a time to refrain,
6 a time to search and a time to give up,
a time to keep and a time to throw away,
7 a time to tear and a time to mend,
a time to be silent and a time to speak,
8 a time to love and a time to hate,
a time for war and a time for peace. (Ecc. 3:1-8)
4He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away."
5He who was seated on the throne said, "I am making everything new!" (Rev. 21:4-5a)
What I need to remember as I go through this period and deal with all that is coming my way is that Christ is not surprised, and Christ has not moved. He is right here with me, and when I hurt so does He. He is wanting to take my pain, I just have to be willing to give it to Him and let Him keep it. There is also a glorious hope that awaits all Christians and that is eternity in the new Heaven, and on the new Earth. I can rest assured that no matter how horrible this life seems, I just have to persevere because it only gets better. This Earth is as close as I'll get to Hell. Heaven awaits and it worth whatever we have to go through. We each just have to remain faithful. If our name is in the Lamb's Book of Life than our fate is secured and this life is just about staying the course, clinging to our Savior and helping as many others as possible get their names in that book.
It amazes me how therapeutic it is just to express my feelings and then read the Scripture (and listen to worship music). Just by being honest with myself I feel so much better, and I know that it is not as bleak as it can seem when I just keep things bottled up. By sharing what is going on, we can grow and move on. The issues are still here. I still have to work through them, but the tunnel is shorter, so the light is brighter. Talking doesn't always fix everything, as a counselor I understand that better than many people. But it is a step, and this life is about taking it one step at a time while we focus on the light of Christ.
Do you have anything you need to sound off about? It will help, I promise!
-Paige-
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
It Seems I'm Always Saying Good-bye
Once again I'm having to say good-bye to a friend and watch as he is buried, this time in Arlington National Cemetery. No matter how honored he would be to know that he is buried among thousands of our nation's heroes, I can't help but wish that he didn't have to be. I'd much rather the IED had not detonated.
I know that death is a part of life. Only 1 person escaped death, and Enoch was VERY special. Even God died...when HE took on human flesh and came down in the form of Jesus to reconcile us to Himself. So, if God had to come and die, I don't expect that my friends and family will experience anything less. Unless we are raptured! Now how cool would that be? I pray for the rapture--Come Lord, come quickly!
As normal as death is, it is not easy. No matter that I know that he is in Heaven and that someday I'll join him and millions of other saints and JESUS in Heaven, I still can't help but grieve for the friendship that has been severed. It is not lost, we will reunite someday, but it is severed for now. And that is just tragic.
His death leaves a hole, a void that opens up with every death of every friend and family member. It is up to those of us living to figure out how to navigate with that void. Through time we get better at it, and the void becomes less noticeable, but for now it is front and center.
As I was driving home this afternoon I prayed to God that I could go just 1 year without having to bury someone that is special to me, but I doubt that He will grant that prayer. Because I've been called by HIM to work with the military, and we are in a time of war. I'm going to lose people I care about, because I can't just work and put my emotions completely to the side. I love people, I want to do all that I can to help them. It isn't an easy life, to pour yourself into people that may not be there in a day, that may not make it home alive. It hurts, but my heart knows no other way but to love everyone. So I risk the pain in hopes to lessen it for others.
I'm going into my calling with both eyes open. I know it will be difficult, I know that I won't be able to "save" everyone, that as a counselor I'll give people advice and they won't listen, and then they will come to me to fix their new problems. I know that it isn't an easy task and it is a humbling one, to be called and trusted to help people fix what is going on inside.
So as much as it seems that I'm always saying that final good-bye, and as hard as it is, I love it. I love seeing people happier. As much as I wish I could go a year without having a friend die, I'm a better me for having known each of them, and I feel blessed for the seasons that they were each in my life.
Death is a part of life, and it is a part of my job. I know that the likelihood of accidents, war casualties, suicides and that sort happening to the people that I'm called to work with, is high. I also know that it is overshadowed by all the good that I hope God will do through me. I can't wait to see God working in the military, and I'm excited and humbled that HE seems to be allowing me to take a small part.
-Paige-
I know that death is a part of life. Only 1 person escaped death, and Enoch was VERY special. Even God died...when HE took on human flesh and came down in the form of Jesus to reconcile us to Himself. So, if God had to come and die, I don't expect that my friends and family will experience anything less. Unless we are raptured! Now how cool would that be? I pray for the rapture--Come Lord, come quickly!
As normal as death is, it is not easy. No matter that I know that he is in Heaven and that someday I'll join him and millions of other saints and JESUS in Heaven, I still can't help but grieve for the friendship that has been severed. It is not lost, we will reunite someday, but it is severed for now. And that is just tragic.
His death leaves a hole, a void that opens up with every death of every friend and family member. It is up to those of us living to figure out how to navigate with that void. Through time we get better at it, and the void becomes less noticeable, but for now it is front and center.
As I was driving home this afternoon I prayed to God that I could go just 1 year without having to bury someone that is special to me, but I doubt that He will grant that prayer. Because I've been called by HIM to work with the military, and we are in a time of war. I'm going to lose people I care about, because I can't just work and put my emotions completely to the side. I love people, I want to do all that I can to help them. It isn't an easy life, to pour yourself into people that may not be there in a day, that may not make it home alive. It hurts, but my heart knows no other way but to love everyone. So I risk the pain in hopes to lessen it for others.
I'm going into my calling with both eyes open. I know it will be difficult, I know that I won't be able to "save" everyone, that as a counselor I'll give people advice and they won't listen, and then they will come to me to fix their new problems. I know that it isn't an easy task and it is a humbling one, to be called and trusted to help people fix what is going on inside.
So as much as it seems that I'm always saying that final good-bye, and as hard as it is, I love it. I love seeing people happier. As much as I wish I could go a year without having a friend die, I'm a better me for having known each of them, and I feel blessed for the seasons that they were each in my life.
Death is a part of life, and it is a part of my job. I know that the likelihood of accidents, war casualties, suicides and that sort happening to the people that I'm called to work with, is high. I also know that it is overshadowed by all the good that I hope God will do through me. I can't wait to see God working in the military, and I'm excited and humbled that HE seems to be allowing me to take a small part.
-Paige-
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