The Sun Came Up

Yesterday's blog reflected how I was feeling. I had received lots of bad news, and then had some friends call me with some really exciting news. So I was trying to be joyful for them, while not being very successful at dealing whit my own disappointments.

Guess what!?! The sun came up today and it was bright and clear. Today was a beautiful day. I also did something that I maybe should have done yesterday. I sat down and wrote out a list. I'm including it here.

BAD STUFF IN MY LIFE:

sin
bills
bills
and more bills
No job & I'm running out of ideas
R.A.
Nightmares
Panic attacks
I was raped 9 years ago
I love 1.5 hrs from my closest friends
Lonliness
Fear
Stress
I'm fat
I'm throwing up often & can't figure out why, & yet I'm gaining weight


BLESSINGS IN MY LIFE

Jesus loves me
My husband loves me
My family loves me
My friends love me
I'm making new friends in my new home
Our dog loves me
Our cat loves me
I love my church
I have a new phone that I LOVE
There are interesting shows on tv and in my DVD/Movie collection
I have a pretty (black and and white) comforter on our bed
We have a warm and cozy house
I'm not starving
I have a reliable Honda
I have a job (2 days/month)
My husband has a full time job
The Packers are in the Super Bowl
I get to pick up our wedding pictures on Monday
I'm a Trekkie
I have lots of yummy books to read
I'm smart
I can still move around fairly normally
It snowed and looks pretty outside
I got to wear a beautiful dress at our wedding
I was surrounded by people that love us on our wedding
Many people traveled quite a distance just to come to our wedding
I'm so smart I know that the Packers are the best team to cheer for!
Every morning God sends me a new picture in the sky, and he ends each day with one as well.


I could have gone on but I stopped at this point, because it was obvious to me that I have way more blessings in my life than I have fears or hardships. It was good though for me to take the time to actually count my blessings. It helped me get out of my dark space that I was in from yesterday's roller-coaster.

Sometimes it just takes seeing the sun come up again for me to remember that it is true. We do live joyfully after all, if we live in Christ. Yes, dark times will come. Dark moods will hit. Times will come when I feel abandoned by God. Yet, those are just feelings. The truth is that God will never leave me, nor will He forsake me. He never even turns away from me. I'm always right in the palm of his hand. :-)

So, thanks for bearing with me through yesterday's disappoints. I'm glad to be able to say that I'm feeling much more myself, and I have God, my husband, my parents and my family to thank for helping me get re-focused on the truth

When it Isn't Joyfully After All.

One of the toughest things I have found in life is learning how to be joyful for others when I am in the midst of wandering in the dark valleys of life. It is hard to have the unselfish joy for others, when you are trying to figure out why God is allowing you to be stuck in the midst of pain, sorrow and confusion.

I have friends that have found jobs, that have been promoted, that have received bonuses. I have friends that are pregnant, just had a baby, or have kids to raise. I have friends that are able to afford so much, when D and I are struggling to pay the minimal bills that we have, and we don't even really think about lavish things like going out to a nice restaurant for dinner, or getting away for the weekend.

Fighting Mr. Jealousy is hard. Mr. Jealousy never travels alone. He brings with him: Shame, Fear, Guilt, Confusion, Worry, Worthless and Stress. It is a whole van load of characters. It is hard to be just 1 person and fight against all those demons. What makes it even harder is when Christ seems to be ignoring your pleas for back-up because He is so busy lavishing blessings on others.

I know my blog is titled "Joyfully After All" but sometimes even I have a hard time with joy. There are no magic answers. Life sometimes just sucks. Sometimes you have to just wait out the crisis and have faith that at the end you will find joy. Even if it has been months, joy will come again someday. Alaskans know this better than anyone. They experience MONTHS at a time of darkness, yet they know that God will bring the sun back. Darkness doesn't last forever.

I guess the best advice I can give myself is that, "this too shall pass. The Son will rise again." I have to support my friends and be happy for them, because that is how God created me. Maybe there isn't much joy in my life right now, but someday I'll be in Heaven where there is nothing BUT joy!

Dear Lord, I need joy again. I need a reason to celebrate. I need some resolution to some of these trials. I want to cling to You, but it is getting hard. I'm weak. HELP LORD, I NEED YOU!!!

-JP-

Marriage: A Major Benefit

Those of you that know me know that for the past 13 years I've had so much trouble sleeping. I've even been on a VERY high dosage of pills, and that wouldn't really work. I finally had to resign myself to knowing that I didn't sleep much. It isn't that I didn't need it, I just couldn't get it. After the rape the problem was compounded even more.

I am pleased to report that there is amazing news to report! It has been 53 days since our marriage and for 96% of those days (or 50 days) I have slept at least 5, most nights even 6.5 hours! Not only I am sleeping much longer, it is the deep, restful sleep that has been so elusive for half my life!

I think that I can rest because I've started to tap into the peace that God's been wanting to give me, and I feel safe when I'm cuddled beside my husband. I can rest knowing, that he is there to protect me, and that if D fails, God will be there providing His unfailing protection.

Sleep is such a wonderful thing. It doesn't fix all our problems, but it sure makes it easier to tackle them. So, it has only be 53 days, but I'm already reaping one major benefit of marriage: SLEEP!!!

Thank you Lord!

-JP-

Surrendering

1. All to Jesus I surrender;
All to Him I freely give;
I will ever love and trust Him,
In His presence daily live.
* Refrain:
I surrender all,
I surrender all;
All to Thee, my blessed Savior,
I surrender all.
2. All to Jesus I surrender;
Humbly at His feet I bow,
Worldly pleasures all forsaken;
Take me, Jesus, take me now.
3. All to Jesus I surrender;
Make me, Savior, wholly Thine;
Let me feel the Holy Spirit,
Truly know that Thou art mine.
4. All to Jesus I surrender;
Lord, I give myself to Thee;
Fill me with Thy love and power;
Let Thy blessing fall on me.
5. All to Jesus I surrender;
Now I feel the sacred flame.
Oh, the joy of full salvation!
Glory, glory, to His Name!
I Surrender All by J. VanDeVenter

When this song becomes a reflection of our lives it is amazing just how much peace, joy, love, contentment and patience we have. The winds and the storms come, but we are protected. We rest secure knowing that God will take care of us.

One of the most commonly asked questions is "Why should I become a Christian, when bad things happen to Christians just as often as they happen to non-Christians?" or, "It sure doesn't look like God protected him, and he was one of the most devout men of God I know, where was God for him?"

Those are fair questions. They need to be asked, and they deserves answers. As Christians we are instructed to be ready to answer the tough questions. We know the truth, and we need to share it.

The answer is that God is there. Bad things happen because we live in a world full of evil, and each human has a spirit that likes to do bad things. Think about it. We all take some form of perverse pleasure (even if it is just momentarily) in doing what we know we shouldn't. Bad things happen because none of us are truly and totally good. Yes, some people are more full of evil than others. The world is just so full of evil that it. The evil happens randomly, it rains and the devout and the not so devout at the same time.

God is here though. He may not keep us from going through trials, from experiencing pain, but He offers us something far better. He offers us eternal life in Heaven. When this life is over (and it going to end for each of us) we have assurance that our faith in Him translates to our eternity in Heaven. He also offers us peace and the strength to make it through whatever trail we face. Not only will He hold us through the storm, but He will make us stronger on the other side.

The peace, contentment, and joy that comes from surrendering ourselves to God makes life oh so very sweet. Each day I get up and do my best to be surrendered to God. Some days I do a good job, some days I'm not as surrendered, but I am trying. I realize how important it is, and that is the first step. At the end of my life I want to people to be able to say, "She surrendered all to Christ. He was her everything."

What do you surrender yourself to?

-JP-

Marriage: God Owns Everything

There is the old joke that in a marriage, "What is HERS is HERS and what is HIS is HERS." That generally gets a chuckle out of people, but I'd like to go off of what our Sunday School teacher shared this am. I'd like to make the motto of my marriage, "What is God's is God's and is ours is God's." Everything we have is God's.

Our Sunday School class has been discussing money and finances. The crux of the discussion is that everything we have, be it money, cars, books, cans of food, children, or health is all God's. Everything in this universe belongs to God.

John 1:3
"All things came into being through Him, and apart from Him nothing came into being that has come into being." (NASB)

John 1:16
"We all live off his generous bounty, gift after gift after gift." (The Message)

God created everything. All of this belongs to Him. Marriages run smoother when both spouses realize this fact. The money in the family is not HIS or HERS (even if HE or SHE had their name on the pay stub) but GOD's. In lieu of getting into conflict over what to buy, PRAY. Ask God what He wants you to do with your money, your time, your children, etc.

God wants to work in our lives. God wants to lead us. If we are earnestly seeking Him to direct our path in our marriage, He will. He will make it clear. God knows that since sin entered and the world became the playground of Satan, that it is hard. God loves us and He wants to make it a little bit easier. He wants us to have a wonderful marriage.

Yet, God isn't going to just lavish us with everything. God is in Heaven saying, "All that I have, all that I've created is yours my children. But, first you must give me your obedience, trust and love. You must have faith that I'll do what I say."

James 1: 5-8
"If you don't know what you're doing, pray to the Father. He loves to help. You'll get his help, and won't be condescended to when you ask for it. Ask boldly, believingly, without a second thought. People who "worry their prayers" are like wind-whipped waves. Don't think you're going to get anything from the Master that way, adrift at sea, keeping all your options open." (The Message)

If we do our part, which is to seek Him, believe in Him and love Him (if we love Him obedience will naturally follow) than He is ready to lavish us. Just remember that He doesn't always lavish us with a mansion, a Porsche and 2 beach houses. The treasures He wants to give us are: joy, peace, contentment, love, friends, and a key to a mansion not here on earth but in Heaven. It will be a mansion that lasts forever.

That is where the prosperity gospel that is preached today is wrong. God MAY give us earthly wealth and things that the world deems lovely. But, the real gifts are not bought with dollars, the real gifts are eternal, they are spiritual, and they are far more valuable than any car, painting or address.

What would you rather have: a fancy car and country club membership or a joy filled marriage, Christ honoring kids and a legacy for your grandkids to inherit one day?

Yes, the earthly things may came, and in themselves they are ok. But, they shouldn't be your one and only goal. A joy filled marriage, peace, kindness, and Heavenly treasures will last longer.

What are you building in your marriage? Are you are amassing earthly possessions or are you learning to be content & joy-filled knowing that your vault in Heaven is getting full?

-JP-

When I Grow Up

I remember being a kid and thinking, "when I grow up I'm going to be a teacher." From the time I was in kindergarten through college I wanted to be an elementary teacher. I planned for it, I volunteered in schools, and I went college and earned a B.S. in Elementary Education (w/ a few various minors).

Well, after college you have to get a job, that is just the natural progression of life. What do you do when you realize that this career you have dreamed about, studied for, and spent THOUSANDS of dollars to qualify to do, is not the career for you? I was faced with that conundrum.

Oh, I love teaching. I love working with children, I love to be there and see their faces as they learn something new and it connects in their brain. It is so exciting to get to be part of that. I love knowing that as a teacher I'm doing my little part to help my students become the people God wants them to be.

There is another side to being an elementary teacher. You do a lot bulletin boards and artsy-craftsy stuff. I am NOT an artist and that side of teaching stressed me to tears MANY nights. The stress outweighed the joys. I hated to admit that this career that I'd dreamed about for the majority of my life was not the career for me.

So, I went back to school to become a counselor. Overall, when I grow up I want to help people. I want to be there for people when they need someone. God has given me so much, and He has put people in my life when I needed them. I know what it is like to receive love and help. Now, I want to give it back.

Counseling is a wonderful calling, and I do want to incorporate it into my life. When I get my book published I want to be able to travel to churches and conferences and talk to people about finding joy no matter what life throws at you. It is SO EASY to become bitter and unhappy. Yet, there is so much joy in the world.

As much as I want to do that, there is something else that I've secretly wanted to do my whole life, but never admitted it till today. For the first time I told someone (my sis in law) what my secret desire is. I want to be an EMT. I want to be able to use my ability to stay calm, and all the other gifts the Lord has given me, to help others in times of crisis. When I grow up I want to be an EMT. There I said it!

Now that I've admitted it to the world, it is time to grow up and go get my dream. The training may not be easy, and it will involve sacrifices, but fairy god-mothers don't exist. Everything that is worth achieving is worth putting in the effort to achieve.

What is it that you secretly want to do when you grow up? How are you going to achieve that dream?

-JP-

For Me to Live is ___________

This past Sunday our pastor preached a sermon that God knew I needed to hear. It came straight from Philippians 1:21 "For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain." (NIV)

It is one of those sermons that really gets you where you live. Christ wants us to live all out for Him. Our main focus should not be on our spouse, our children, our job, our finances, our parents, or our friends. Our main focus should be on Christ. Christ deserves to be #1 in our lives. Our spouse should come 2nd, and everything else falls in line behind that.

As I've spent the week thinking about the sermon and praying about it, I've had to take a hard look at my priorities. I LOVE LOVE LOVE Christ. He is amazing, wonderful, and so very good to me. Yet, is He my number 1 focus? Can I, like Paul, boast "for me to live is Christ?"

Sadly, I don't think that I can. Lately my focus has been: finding a job, my husband, and then Christ. Christ has been given 3rd place in my life, and that is just not right.

So, I've had to confess this sin and ask the Lord to help me regain true sight, so that I focus on Him first. Finding a job and being with D are both very important. But, they are not going to effect my eternity. My relationship with the Lord will. I want to be a "good and faithful servant" of the Lord. I do want to be a good wife because I am head over heels in love with D, and when God gives us children I want to be a great mother, but all that will come if I keep Christ as #1.

I want to be able to say "For me to live is Christ". Regaining my relationship with Christ will not happen automatically. There will be days when I HAVE to read the Bible and won't necessarily feel like it. I will have to sit myself down and pray and meditate. But, it is the best thing I can ever do. By living for Christ I live for my family and friends as well.

Can you boast, "For me to live Christ?"

-JP-

Silly Me!

Tuesday was one of those days that reminded me just how imperfect a creature I am. It was a very Duh day for me. I am glad that it is behind me, and I pray that Lord gives me some answers today.

Tuesday began well. My hubs and I slept in and I woke cuddled in his arms. It was quite nice. He then left to go work, and I worked on some stuff on my lap top and tried to get rid of my headache.

Tuesday afternoon I ran to Wal-Mart for some groceries and made another stop at a business that I'll be doing some substitute receptionist work for on random Saturdays. Having found that job, I was in a decent mood heading home. I am starting to see God answer some prayers for work! WOOHOO

It all went downhill when I arrived home. D was doing some stuff around the house (he fixed the door to our master bathroom). I couldn't park in the garage because he had a space heater running to heat it up, so he wouldn't freeze working in the garage and attic.

I unloaded the groceries, brought them in, visited with D, and put the groceries away. By then my headache was a full fledged migraine, so I went to sleep it off. I was about asleep when D came into the bedroom.

"Oh Dear, did you notice something in the garage when you got home?"

"Ummm...what was I supposed to notice D?" I asked very confused

"That big yellow thing, what is it?"

"I don't feel good, why the guessing game?"

"It is a space heater."

"Yeah, so???" I'm still not catching on

"How is it going to heat the garage if you leave the garage door open?"

"Oh, well just turn it up higher then!" was my way of saying leave me alone.

"Oh, this is going on facebook." responds my gleeful husband, enjoying my confusion and shall we say, lack of common sense, or even caring.

So there was that. I tried to heat up the whole outside. As if that wasn't enough for my poor brain to handle, I had more coming! It began this evening while I was watching Jeopardy. My computer battery had died, which shut off the computer. So, I went to the library and grabbed my cord. Plugged it in and booted it up.

That was at 730pm. It is now 335am and I have YET to remember my password to log on to the admin account on my laptop. It is not for lack of trying. I generally use easy to hack passwords for my laptop. It is the internet stuff that I get CREATIVE. I know ALL those passwords, but I can't log on to my laptop, because I can't for the life of me remember the sugarcoated password. D knows all my other passwords, so I'm not sure why I didn't tell him this one.

The really annoying thing--I have MUCHO importante files on that account that I was just getting ready to back up onto my flash drive. If I can't get into that account, I can't retrieve them. This would NOT be good news. NOPE NOPE NOPE.

So, in 1 day I tried to heat the entire county and I passworded myself out of my computer. Silly Me!

Dear Lord,
I know it is just a computer, but it has some very important files on it. I'd really like to get those files back and not have to redo everything. I know that YOU know the password. I pray that when I wake in the am YOU will remind Your silly child what the password is, or that You will provide another way to get into the account. I thank You for caring about every aspect of our lives, and for being here to get us out of all the jams we find ourselves in. Thank You for giving me the privilege of asking you to meet all my needs and wants, and thank You for what you provide. No matter what happens I will praise You, for you are God Almighty and You deserve all the honor and glory. Through Your Son's gift I pray. Amen

-JP-

I've Got the Joy...

There is a wonderful song I was taught as a kid that I can't help but sing today. "I've got the joy, joy, joy, joy down in my heart...down in my heart to stay! And I'm so happy, so very happy. I've got the love of Jesus in my heart. And I'm so happy, so very happy, I've got the love of Jesus in my heart!"

It is a true song. I am loved by Jesus, His love is in EVERY part of me, and down in my heart I do have joy. He has given me so much to be joyful about. I have a warm home, 2 crazy and loving pets, great friends, hope, faith, forgiveness, a husband that I fall deeper in love with everyday, and most of all I have Jesus. As our pastor says, "I know that I know that I know that I'm going to Heaven."

Yet, the joy is DOWN in my heart. Things on the surface are trying to block it from bubbling up. I keep thinking of the shame, guilt, fear, worry, anger of not having a job yet (and faithfully looking and applying for EVERYTHING). I also worry about the health of some of my family members, the trials that friends are facing, and then there is the green-eyed monster that I have to fight off. Friends and family getting to do fun stuff, and we can't because we have NO money, because I have no job.

Pretty soon it is easy to see why the joy is DOWN in my heart and not bubbling over. So, what is a girl to do? What do you do, when your joy is bogged down by life? What do you do when the bad wants to block the good? There is really only 1 answer, only 1 way to bring the joy from being DOWN to being UP. The answer is GOD. You run to GOD.

God has told us that worry is wrong. "22 Then Jesus said to his disciples: “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat; or about your body, what you will wear. 23 For life is more than food, and the body more than clothes. 24 Consider the ravens: They do not sow or reap, they have no storeroom or barn; yet God feeds them. And how much more valuable you are than birds! 25 Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to your life[b]? 26 Since you cannot do this very little thing, why do you worry about the rest?" (Luke 12:22-26 NIV)

So, I need to ditch the worry and that helps the joy begin to move up. But what about the rest of my feelings? What about the jealousy monster? How does God tell me to deal with him?

"13 Who is wise and understanding among you? Let them show it by their good life, by deeds done in the humility that comes from wisdom. 14 But if you harbor bitter envy and selfish ambition in your hearts, do not boast about it or deny the truth. 15 Such “wisdom” does not come down from heaven but is earthly, unspiritual, demonic. 16 For where you have envy and selfish ambition, there you find disorder and every evil practice.

17 But the wisdom that comes from heaven is first of all pure; then peace-loving, considerate, submissive, full of mercy and good fruit, impartial and sincere. 18 Peacemakers who sow in peace reap a harvest of righteousness." (James 3:13-17 NIV)

I have to remind myself that envy is wrong. Envy is saying, "God you are not treating me the way I think I deserve." God is providing for me, and He provides so much. To battle envy I focus on what I do have, the blessings in my life. If I remember that I do much better. No matter how much I get, there will always be someone with more. Envy is a losing battle, so why even engage?

The other emotions are valid, but I have to go back to prayer and the Bible. Use the emotions to keep spurring myself on to finding a job, to keep looking. All the while remembering that God is listening, watching and guiding. God may not provide in the way that seems most logical or most comforting. But He WILL provide. He has told me that my job is to: love, trust, communicate with, and obey Him. If I do all that, He is faithful and He will more than do His job which is to provide.

Before too long the song is changed from having the joy down in my heart to "I've got the joy, joy, joy bubbling up, bubbling, up, yes, bubbling up. I've got the joy, joy, joy, joy bubbling up, yes, bubbling up from within! And I'm so happy, so very happy, I've got the love of Jesus in my heart!"

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

I know that lately a lot of these blogs have been about looking for a job. Well, that is where I am right now in life. It is a focus of my blogs because it is the biggest hurdle that D and I are facing right now. Before, when I was working, I took it for granted. It is amazing how much time, thought and life is devoted to a job-and I don't even have 1! But, don't let this fool you. While I haven't touch on it lately, D and I are enjoying being newlyweds, growing together, finding our niche in church, and I'm enjoying meeting new people in my new part of VA.

-JP-

Marriage: For Worse & For Poorer

During a wedding ceremony when you say your vows, you don't expect the "for worse" and "for poorer" to happen right away, but for us that is what we have been dealt. I am 27 years old. I have a B.S. in Elementary Education and an M.A. in Pastoral Counseling. I have solid references and a pretty boring criminal history (a few speeding tickets). Yet, I have lived here since October and I have yet to have anyone offer me a job.

It is getting ridiculous. It is also getting very frustrating. Yes, my beloved husband has a job, but he doesn't make enough to totally support both of us. We need 2 incomes, or we will have to quit eating and quit using electricity. We've already cut out "fun", "travel" and "entertainment" from our budget.

I'm not here to whine. I'm just saying, we are in a season of the "for poorer" part of our vows. In a way, it is good. During the easy or rich times it is easier to scoot through life. During the tighter times you have to gird yourself and work together to make it. This season at the beginning of our marriage will help us to really cement our relationship at the beginning. If your foundation is deep and strong, it will handle the storms better, and I KNOW that this is not the only storm we will face in life.

Storms come. They don't always last very long, but they come, and they unleash fury and destruction. This foundation will protect against their fury. Knowing all this, does not make this season any easier. Being in the midst of a storm, or a harsh winter is no fun. It is cold, hard, frustrating, life less, barren. It is seemingly all that.

Yet, looking deeper you see roots and seeds. You see that buried and waiting are the givers of life. Winter doesn't last forever, and neither will this time in our marriage. All though I have moments where I wonder "why the tartoofers won't anyone just hire me? I'm a good, hard worker! I'm smart and capable. I'm honest and punctual!" deep down, when I get past the hurt and shame of not being able to find employment, I know that God is taking care of us, God has a plan. If D and I let Him, God will use this time for good.

Not only does God promise in Jer. 29:11, "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord. Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." We are also told, "We know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose." (Romans 8:28)

God is working. God is building. Yes, it is a time of poorer and maybe worse. But it is also a time of togetherness, prayer, and building. And just as D and Jason start each house with a strong foundation, that causes a lot of disturbances to the ground, so must our marriage. In order for it to be strong, the ground must be leveled and foundation poured and set. Hard work and not much fun, but oh so very important in order to face future storms.

-JP-

Looking Out My Window

Right now I'm sitting on the sofa in my office at home and I'm looking out my window. The window looks out upon a field. Right now the field is barren. There is no snow to blanket the ground, and it is WAY to early to even think about planting more crops. We are in the season of waiting.

I think that is why Winter begins with a "W". Winter and Waiting go hand in hand. For me I wait and wait for the snowy days (which I love). Lots of people wait for warmer weather, and the ground is waiting for God to whisper, "Begin to sprout once more." In my personal life I'm in a season of waiting as well, my career has hit a winter.

No matter how many applications I fill out I just can't seem to find a job. I'm a married woman with a Master's degree from a well known university. I have a very boring criminal record (a few speeding tickets) and a good work history with good references. It seems like I'd be an ideal candidate. Yet, God is telling me to "wait". Which I don't understand.

I know that God knows best and that He will always provide. I know that He sees our bank account and the bills that are due and when. I know all that, and I do trust Him. It is just hard to wait, with all this pressure of the cost of living. Yet, God seems to be saying "Wait". The ground outside is waiting for Spring to come, and God always renews the growth of the fields.

He has told us that if we can see how much He takes care of the plants and animals, why don't we trust Him to take care of us, when He loves us infinitely more than He loves the plants and animals? Trust can be hard when you are in the harsh days of Winter. It is cold, it is dark an awful lot of the day, and it goes on for days, weeks, months. Yet, trust is what we have to give Him.

So, like the field outside, I'll wait and listen, so that when God says "Go, spring up. This is your opportunity to grow." I'll be ready. Surviving a Winter season is not always fun or easy, but the growth and beauty of Spring is always the reward. Just as God is watching over the field, God is watching over our house, and He will protect us, He will provide for us. Not because of anything we have done to deserve it, but simply because He loves us. He will meet our needs. Maybe not our wants right now, but surely our needs.

It is amazing, what God can teach me, simply by showing me a field outside my window!

What season are you in with God? What are you doing to make the most of it?

-JP-

Trying to Remain Neutral...Failing!

I've tried to remain semi neutral on this blog when it comes to my thoughts on the current President of the US. As a patriotic citizen I believe that it is important to honor the position. Yet, while I honor the position I find it hard to respect the man currently carrying the title.

With all that has gone on, it may seem inconsequential what has set me off, but I guess it is the straw that broke this camel's back. I just read 2 articles (on very different sites) about the same event, and I did my best to check for accuracy, and as far as I can figure out, this event is as true as 2-2=0.

Not long ago in Afghanistan 6 of our soldiers were killed. The President could not find time in his "busy" schedule to call and offer his condolences to the families (as I believe he should, being the Commander In Chief and all). What did he do instead? Was he busy working out further strategy for our war efforts? No. Was he busy working to figure out a solution to the economy? No. Was he meeting with heads of state? No.

In lieu of taking 5 minutes to call and offer condolences to 1 of the families, he put in a call to a head coach of an NFL team, and talked football! Now, I'm a HUGE football fan. I love it! But come on now, there have to be priorities! Football is a game, but the war is life and death! When our soldiers "give the last full measure of devotion." the least that the nation can do, that the President can do is to call up the family and say "On behalf of a grateful nation, we are truly sorry for your loss, but we appreciate how much your son loved our country."

Craziness. Priorities! Where are his?

As I think about it, it makes me pause and wonder, "What priorities do I need to shift in my life, so that I have them the way God would have them?"

-JP-

Friday Night at Home

I just love quiet nights at home. I find it peaceful and relaxing. I love sitting in my office on my sofa. My cat will come curl up on the back of the sofa, our dog will be running around and I'll be working on my laptop.

On Friday nights you can find me online chatting with good friends. I love to read about history and picture myself living in different time periods and locations. I think the daydreaming is fun. At the end though, I'm always glad to return to the 21st century. It is such a comfort to be able to turn on my laptop, sit on the sofa and video or regular chat with friends all over the globe.

If I'm not chatting to friends I'm either working on my book, working on a project for a friend, or playing Trivial Pursuit online (or Backgammon or some other game to challenge my brain). I love our home. It is cozy, especially at night when the light outside is gone and the lights inside add a comfortable glow.

One of my other activities on Friday night (well almost any night really except Monday which is bowling for D, Tuesday which is tv night (NCIS, NCIS Los Angeles, and White Collar) or Thursday (Big Bang Theory, Royal Pains, Bones). I'm an introvert and a home-body. I'm comfortable staying at home. But, back to my activities. I love to read- which is helping me as I work to improve my skills as a writer.

D on the other hand loves to be around people. He is somewhat shy, but he loves to hang out with all his (our) friends and relax (play WoW, Pool, Poker, board games, etc). His preferable Friday nights (when we can afford it) are to go out on the town and live it up, enjoy that we can sleep in in the morning.

Don't get me wrong, I love, love, love my friends and I'm quite happy spending a LOT of time with them. My friends keep me sane (or let me express my insanity, I'm not sure which it is!), they make me laugh, and I feel loved. My friends are vital to my life. I like nothing better than to have a small group (6-10) people over, snack on foods, maybe watch a movie and play pool and end the evening with a rousing board/group game (Taboo, Gestures, Pictionary, Trivial Pursuit, etc).

Tonight is a sit in the office, fill out a job application, and now relax and talk with friends online night (all while being comfy cozy in my sweats)! So very relaxing, and it is fun to know that while I'm having a ball talking with friends my husband is in his Dog Pound playing his game and enjoying talking online to his WoW friends. Such a nice way to start the weekend. Makes me want to make us breakfast and eat it with him in bed tomorrow morning, just to continue to coziness of time with my husband!

What is your perfect start to the weekend?

-JP-

Taking the Next Step

When we are going through trials, when it is hard to see God, and see how He is working, we have to rely on faith. You have to believe that since God brought you so far, He will continue to guide you. You take a deep breath and you take the next step.

The steps may be hard, and it may be all you can do to just move that once pace, but that is all God is asking. God just wants us to rely on Him for each step. Once we take one, we rely on Him for the next, and the next, and the next. Eventually we will come to a part of the journey that isn't so tough.

Sometimes the next step can be confusing. You come to a fork in the road and you wonder which path to take. How do we really know if the path we are taking is the one God wants for us? It could be that all the paths are on a godly route. Do we choose the path or nursing or teaching? Both choices are godly and good, so which one to do we choose?

In times like this I think that God allows us to make whatever choice we want. Both could bring peace, both could you to serve Him as you serve others. When it comes to such amoral decisions it isn't so much about which choice you make, but what is your process in making that choice? Are you talking to God, reading His word, and seeking advice from fellow travelers you meet along the way?

Other times, you do need to make sure you are listening to God very carefully as He guides you along the narrow path. He is helping you get up when your foot is too heavy to lift. He is breathing oxygen into over tired lungs, He is whispering encouragement into a defeated spirit, a spirit that just wants to give up.

He will tell you what choice to make. You will know if it is the right one by the peace you feel when you chose the path to take. God will give you a sense of security that even though the path may be rocky, even though it may be over grown and super steep, you will have peace that it is going the right way.

God is just waiting for you to ask Him to guide you, to help you move your feet. Yesterday was one of those days where I was feeling discouraged, beaten down, and lost. This journey is such a marathon, that there will be days, weeks, months, maybe even years where we just don't know how we are doing this, and why. We falter in our quest, we see just what is right before us, and we fail to imagine how good it will be when we round the bend.

Where are you in your journey? Are you enjoying a smooth and flat period, or is your path over grown, forking or steep? No matter where you are, there is encouragement. It will change, and in the end the destination is more beautiful than anything we could imagine! Keep going. I'm going to take the next step and I'm here praying that you can as well.

-JP-

Seeing God in the S**T

I know, a provocative title, but it is what I've been having to do lately. I have been HUNTING for months now for a job and NOTHING. We can't afford for this to continue. To add insult to injury I ponied up and went down to the unemployment office today and due to a technicality I'm not eligible! I'm a hard-working citizen that has paid taxes, that is out looking (HARD) and the government isn't willing to help, while they pay MILLIONS to people that take their check and go home and sit on their duffs and don't even try???

I WANT a job, I WANT to have the satisfaction of earning my keep. It is Biblical as well as American. I'm trying. I just need some help. It makes me wonder, if God can provide me with such an amazing husband, wouldn't it be even easier for Him to provide me with a source of income, especially since He has said "No work no eat" (my paraphrase)? I'm trying to do it His way, I just need some help from somewhere!

At times like this, it is hard to see through the frustration, disappointment (of losing out on yet another job) and worry. I know God has a plan, I just wish He'd show a bigger part of the picture. I know that He will provide, I just want to make the provision easier on Him. Why hasn't He provided yet?

I'm a hard worker, with good references, a high level of education and no major skeletons in my closet. That should set me up for many open doors, even in this economy. So, why am I forced to wade through this unemployment, no one wants me S*** where God is seemingly elsewhere?

BAH HUMBUG, but life is not easy. In the end, yes Heaven is my reward, but I wish the journey to Heaven was just a little bit easier, and that God was just a little easier to see. I'm trying to focus on Him and see this through His eyes, but it is tough.

Dear Lord,
I love You and praise You for loving me, protecting me, guiding me and providing for me. You deserve all the praise and glory, You and You alone. I come before Your throne to ask that You help me to quickly find the job You have for me, and to allow me to start working there ASAP. You know what our financial situation is, and You know how I yearn to do things Your way, and working is Your way. Help me out. Help me to stay focused on You, even through all this S*** and help me to use this time to draw closer to D and closer to You.
You are amazing, wonderful, just, almighty and perfect. Thank You for all the ways You work in my life each and every day. Thank You for forgiving my sins, for purging me and making me holy once more. Thank you for your blood and for the cross, for Heaven.

Through the Lamb's blood I pray. Amen

-JP-

Looking Back in Order to Move Forward

I know that it is cliche to do a year in review, but it is also a lot of fun, and it helps me to see that a lot can happen in just 365 days. By taking the time to look at how far the Lord brought me in 2010, I can begin to take bigger steps with Him this year.

2010 In REVIEW:

January:
Hmm... I'm trying to remember back 12 months! Oh yes the mini breakdown! What a way to start a year. I guess I can look at it as a way of purging so that I could move beyond what was bothering me.

February:
I joined match.com and was matched with on Mr. DJP! We began communicating via the match.com e-mail and talked that way for quite awhile. Because online dating can be quite anonymous I wanted to take it slowly and be very careful. In February I continued singing in the TRBC choir and was loving it.

March:
I turned 27 and had fun celebrating with friends w/ dinner at my favorite pizza place in the city. I continued talking with D online and via text messages. Our relationship was budding, but I was still being careful and making sure I knew him before I met him.

April:
Celebrated Easter with the big service the TRBC choir sang in. That was a lot of fun! D and I met for our first date. He came over the mountain. We played mini golf and had fun and went next door to a little Italian restaurant where we talked till the place closed. Then, I went over and dished with 2 of my really good friends and relived the best 1st date of my life!

May:
Celebrated the graduation of a few friends, continued my relationship with D. I also went to Charleston, SC with one of my best friends. Met her family, explored the Holy City (named for its many church steeples that dot the skyline). I also really enjoyed the warm weather.

June:
Spent a LOT of time going back and forth across the mountain to see D as much as possible. He also came over to see me too. A girl I grew up with (one of my sis' best friends) lost her husband to meningitis and that was a low part of the year. We know that he is up in Heaven, and while we are excited for Nick, it is hard knowing that our time with him here was so short. My great Aunt also died, which was sad but she had lived almost 100 years, so it is a different sad.

July:
Spent the 4th of July with D. Spent the day in the mountains with some of his friends, went 4-wheeling, saw the fireworks in Staunton (all on the 3rd). On the 4th I was home and spent the day and evening with friends and hung out on campus for their celebration.
At the end of the month M and I drove down to Charleston, SC for the wedding of 2 of our dear friends (B&E). We stayed in a hostel and that was a really fun adventure. We were right downtown. The wedding itself was GORGEOUS, the food was amazing. It was a great way to celebrate the wedding and see Christ reflected in the day.

August:
Continued to work on my novel in hopes that the publishing company I was working with would like it and pick it up (alas it didn't happen, God has other plans).
End of the month: D proposed and I said yes! We had gone on a hike that I'd been pestering (ok nagging) him about, and he proposed on the cliffs over looking the valley. It was perfect!

September:
Began to plan my wedding for late March, so Dad could be out here during his Spring Break. Ended up moving it to December 4 (for a variety of reasons).
I also realized that I needed to work on some stuff in my spiritual life, and I started to get serious about it.
Went to David's Bridal in Roanoke with: B, E and M and found MY dress! It brought tears to my eye. Once I put it on, and saw it in the mirror I knew it was the dress for me! It meant so much to have 3 people there with me to celebrate the day and be there for this momentous part of planning a wedding, especially since my Mom, Grandma and Sis couldn't.
That day, and those people really reminded me of how much our friends become our family. They don't replace our family in our hearts, but they are an extension. Especially in the American culture where so often we are separated by many miles from our biological families.

October:
My lease on my apartment was up, so it just seemed natural that it would be a good time to move to D's side of the mountain, since that would be where we made our home (in his house). It was exciting to move, knowing that it was to get married. It was also really sad, the hardest move I've ever made. Sad because I love my city friends so much, and even though it is only an 1.5 hr drive it still meant that I wouldn't see them every day or even every week. It is hard to leave people that you love. I knew I was making the right choice though. I knew that D and I would love living in our house, that I'd enjoy being in the country, and most of all that I was living with my favorite person. Moving is always bittersweet I think. I chose to focus on the exciting and hope filled aspects.

November:
Ok, so the wedding began to come up REALLY quickly! There was much to do! There were dress fittings, design plans, etc. It was fun and crazy. D and I continued our pre-marital counseling. On Thanksgiving night My Dad, Grandma and Mom arrived from Wyoming and the wedding blitz began. Oh yes, and D's alma mater RHS won their division for state football. It was fun to go to games with him.

December:
I GOT MARRIED!!! The ceremony was beautiful, the lead-up was fun, and the wedding night in the B&B (with snow falling outside and a crackling fire inside) was just about perfect!
Christmas with my in-laws was different but very special. There were moments when I wished we could be in my home town, but I got to talk with my family and I had just seen them. I had time to get to know my new family and I loved that. It was a wonderful first married Christmas!
New Year's Eve we had a little get together with friends and that was a fun way to ring in 2011.

And now we are 5 days into 2011. A lot happened in 2010 and may even more fill this year! May this year be a year of finding: a job, a publisher, and most importantly a deeper and abiding walk with Christ.

As I look back and see all that happened it is easy to see that God was at work orchestrating events. It excites to enjoy the memories, but to also anticipate what is coming up, so that I can always continue to move forward and grow.

-JP-

Marriage: 1 Month In

Today marks 1 month into our marriage. In the grand scheme of things that makes us very much still newlyweds and it is an exciting stage to be in. I love it. There is so much joy, so much newness, so much promise and hope.

D and I are not the New Year's Resolution type, but on my Facebook page I wrote that this year I was going to do my best to be a Proverbs 31 woman. This is not a resolution I made for 2011, but one I made in August when I agreed to marry D. I want to be the best wife I can be, to serve and love D the way that he deserves, to be the wife the Lord expects of me.

D knows that there is just 1 thing I want for my birthday in March. I want him to be a non-smoker. I want this because yes it will make our clothes smell better, but mainly for health reasons. I want to be able to count our marriage in decades, and giving up smoking will help make that happen (it isn't a guarantee, only God knows when and where we will die). Not to mention that I already have a compromised immune system thanks to the gift of R.A. Plus, smoking is EXPENSIVE. I'd rather use that $ on things for our house (new kitchen, flooring, sofa, fence, etc).

D is beginning the journey to kicking the habit. I'm SO proud of him for starting. It isn't easy, and it isn't going to be fun for either of us (it will be like he is always PMS'ing for awhile) but it is a supreme act of love. He's mainly doing this for me. That staggers me. He loves me that much! It makes me love him even more, and I didn't think that was possible.

1 month of marriage: the ride has just begun.

Happy 2011

-JP-

Marriage: A Bud of Hope

HAPPY 2011!!! I pray that y'all had a safe New Year's celebration and that 2011 is a year where have many unexpected God moments and that we use this year to draw closer to HIM.

There are days when I just want to chuck it all in the basket and say, "I'm done Lord. I can't handle it. I know You've promised not to give me more than I can deal with, but I think this time You have screwed up, because I CAN'T deal with this. I WON'T deal with it, I quit."

Then, I remember I can't quit. You can't quit life. I've tried that once, and God wouldn't let the bottle of pills end it for me. HE has other plans for us besides suicide. Since quitting isn't an option I have to buck up and realize, that somehow I'm going to find a way to survive and make it through this trial.

No matter how terrorizing the nightmare, how painful the RA makes my body, how tired, short of breath and just plain yucky the anemia (caused by the RA- the gift that keeps on giving), I can get through it. Not only can I get through it, but I can get through it with joy and hope.

All I have to do is think about my husband and remember that God answers prayers. I can have hope and joy because I know that it will get better. I remember (vividly) many tear soaked pillows, many cries to God, many conversations with Pooh where I wondered why I wasn't married, why hadn't I found someone, and just who would be willing to love ME???!!!

I come with more baggage than an airline would allow- no matter how much I'm willing to pay. I also come with some wonderful qualities as well. It may have taken 27 years, but God provided for me. He gave me a husband that I love dearly, that loves me for and in spite of my baggage. He gave me something and someone to cherish and to make me feel cherished. He showed me that I do have a future and a hope.

We all come with baggage. It may be different, but we all have it. None of us are innocent, we all have a past. Being married has reminded me, and shown me that it isn't about who we were, what we did before. It matters who we are NOW and what we plan to do with ourselves. Yesterday is over, we can't change it. Today is what we have to work with. Tomorrow may not come, so we live today.

Marriage is teaching me, that even when I want to throw in the towel and give up, I can't. It isn't just me anymore. There is someone else, and he matters dearly. I had hope before I got married, and being married doesn't mean that I'm more loved by God. Marriage is just proof in my life that I can trust God. He does want the best for me.

And just as after a LONG time and a LOT of tears my prayers and dreams for a husband were more than answered, I know that my prayers and tears for other things to change will be answered. It may not happen here on earth that I'm cured, but it will happen. I have a future and a hope that is designed by God, I just have to follow Him. He's gotten me this far, why would I turn back now?

The military has a saying, "Pain is just weakness leaving the body." in many ways they are right. Pain teaches. Pain gets us down to rock bottom, where we can begin building a strong and secure foundation. It isn't fun (it sucks), but a strong foundation is necessary for a later structure. Pain shows us what we can handle, and that we are stronger than we think we are.

What in your life has been a sign for you that you can trust God? What events in your life show you that you can have hope and joy?

May we begin the year remembering that there is hope, there is glorious hope for joy- no matter what, because God is in charge and He loves to lavish us. He also loves to teach us, but at the crux of it, He is there and no matter what season we are in (a season of lavish extravagance or a season of learning) we are always God's children and we are beloved.