HAPPY 2011!!! I pray that y'all had a safe New Year's celebration and that 2011 is a year where have many unexpected God moments and that we use this year to draw closer to HIM.
There are days when I just want to chuck it all in the basket and say, "I'm done Lord. I can't handle it. I know You've promised not to give me more than I can deal with, but I think this time You have screwed up, because I CAN'T deal with this. I WON'T deal with it, I quit."
Then, I remember I can't quit. You can't quit life. I've tried that once, and God wouldn't let the bottle of pills end it for me. HE has other plans for us besides suicide. Since quitting isn't an option I have to buck up and realize, that somehow I'm going to find a way to survive and make it through this trial.
No matter how terrorizing the nightmare, how painful the RA makes my body, how tired, short of breath and just plain yucky the anemia (caused by the RA- the gift that keeps on giving), I can get through it. Not only can I get through it, but I can get through it with joy and hope.
All I have to do is think about my husband and remember that God answers prayers. I can have hope and joy because I know that it will get better. I remember (vividly) many tear soaked pillows, many cries to God, many conversations with Pooh where I wondered why I wasn't married, why hadn't I found someone, and just who would be willing to love ME???!!!
I come with more baggage than an airline would allow- no matter how much I'm willing to pay. I also come with some wonderful qualities as well. It may have taken 27 years, but God provided for me. He gave me a husband that I love dearly, that loves me for and in spite of my baggage. He gave me something and someone to cherish and to make me feel cherished. He showed me that I do have a future and a hope.
We all come with baggage. It may be different, but we all have it. None of us are innocent, we all have a past. Being married has reminded me, and shown me that it isn't about who we were, what we did before. It matters who we are NOW and what we plan to do with ourselves. Yesterday is over, we can't change it. Today is what we have to work with. Tomorrow may not come, so we live today.
Marriage is teaching me, that even when I want to throw in the towel and give up, I can't. It isn't just me anymore. There is someone else, and he matters dearly. I had hope before I got married, and being married doesn't mean that I'm more loved by God. Marriage is just proof in my life that I can trust God. He does want the best for me.
And just as after a LONG time and a LOT of tears my prayers and dreams for a husband were more than answered, I know that my prayers and tears for other things to change will be answered. It may not happen here on earth that I'm cured, but it will happen. I have a future and a hope that is designed by God, I just have to follow Him. He's gotten me this far, why would I turn back now?
The military has a saying, "Pain is just weakness leaving the body." in many ways they are right. Pain teaches. Pain gets us down to rock bottom, where we can begin building a strong and secure foundation. It isn't fun (it sucks), but a strong foundation is necessary for a later structure. Pain shows us what we can handle, and that we are stronger than we think we are.
What in your life has been a sign for you that you can trust God? What events in your life show you that you can have hope and joy?
May we begin the year remembering that there is hope, there is glorious hope for joy- no matter what, because God is in charge and He loves to lavish us. He also loves to teach us, but at the crux of it, He is there and no matter what season we are in (a season of lavish extravagance or a season of learning) we are always God's children and we are beloved.
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