Desiring God and Family

Do you ever wonder sometimes what God is preparing you for? I do. I know the things that I want, and I am going after them. First of all I want to be an author. More specifically a published author. Anyone who writes is an author, it is just that only few become published. It doesn't even have to be how I make a living, but I have a story that needs to be told and I want it to be read, therefore I want to be a published author.

In order to accomplish this goal I am telling my story, first through this blog and also through the book I am writing, the memoir of my spiritual journey from rape victim to empowered Christian woman. I guess it isn't so much my spiritual journey as it is God's.

My story isn't mine, it is HIS. I'm only doing as well as I am because of Him. Some days I take a step forward, and other days I stumble back quite far. Yet, God is always there, helping me, lighting my path. His word is a lamp unto my feet and a light upon my path.

The other thing I want to be a wife and a mother. I have some ideas about that too, and I am going after them. I pray about this desire all the time. If you are a kid, and you want something you don't just tell your dad once, you tell him again and again. God is our Father, and while He never forgets, and He always understands, He wants to be treated as our Father (with love, respect and childlike faith that says if I ask 10 times I'm likely to get it than if I ask just once).

Yet, I also wonder what exactly is God preparing me for? What does my life hold for me? Why has He taken me along the path that I am on? If He does have a husband for me (I pray that He does, and I think I know who (and it isn't James Roday!) how are my choices and the path I am on preparing me to be the best wife and mother possible?

Part of the answer lies in my choices. Each choice I make effects my future and what God will allow in my life. Yet, there are some doors and windows that God just will not open for me. For example, I am pretty confident that God is not going to open doors to allow me to play professional basketball. I don't know what doors have closed because of choices I made to sin in lieu of doing the godly thing.

I also wonder, if God isn't going to open certain doors for me, than why does He allow me to peak in the windows and see how it could be? Or is it not God at all, and I'm just skulking up to the windows and trespassing, and looking into someone else's window?

God promises us that if we delight ourselves in Him, than He will give us the desires of our hearts. This happens in His time, and according to how we use our free will. I know that sometimes I get impatient. I want my desires on my time. Either that, or I just want to know that the thing (family) I desire most, outside of serving the Lord I love, will come to pass. Is it wrong to want that? I don't think so.

I think that an eagerness to do His will and to see the fruits of our labor is built into us, by our Creator. The eagerness is one of the motivators that keeps us going, even when we are shoulder deep in the gunk that is even too gross to hang with pond scum.

So, I'm going to keep on praying for the family I desire, and as I wait, I will work on becoming the woman that the Lord knows I can be. I can do this by reading my Scripture, praying, seeking godly counsel and joyfully serving the Lord that I love and delight in even more than I ever could a family.

You see, as wonderful as having a family will be, they let you down. They leave (whether by choice or for work), they say things that hurt you, they do things that annoy/frustrate/anger you. But we still love them, because we are also flawed humans. We love them because they are family that God has blessed us with, and even with all the heartache it is a blessing.

God does none of that. Sometimes (ok, most of the time) I don't immediately understand what is going on, and I certainly don't see it from His perspective, but He has never and will never let me down. He only and always has my best in mind. If we delight ourselves in God, He will grant us our desires, because our desires will be His desires for our lives. How awesomely wonderful is that!?!

-JLK/PRT-