I need to allow myself to experience what God is giving me.

I know this statement may sound funny but it expresses something that I have been holding myself back from doing. Maybe it is just what I am working on this semester, maybe it is everything that is going on in life, but lately I have been holding myself back from experiencing true, God given joy.

God WANTS me to be joy filled. God wants my life to be as blessed as possible. Regardless of what people like the Osteens may say, this does NOT mean that God necessarily wants me to be money rich. Money can be a curse or a blessing, but it isn't the only way that God can bless us. There are many, many more blessings in life, and some of them (nay, most of them) are worth far more than a bunch of greenbacks.

Women were created because God saw that Adam wasn't totally happy, totally filled with the joy that God desired him to experience. Adam was lonely, and then God created women. I'm created to bring joy to others. But I'm also created to experience joy for myself. God would rather I experience more moments of joy than pain. Joy is the natural state, pain, sorrow, depression, sadness, all those emotions are unnatural and are a result of sin (the ugly creature).

Yet, knowing this I still hold myself back. I do things that I hate, I sin, I fail to do things that I know I should do. I say things that I regret. I put myself and my perceived needs before worshiping my Savior. Everyday I do something that robs me of my joy, and it is seen as normal. I choose things, thoughts, whatever that keeps me from experiencing the joy that God is waiting to experience with me.

Why do I do this? Do I feel like I don't deserve this joy? That is part of it, but the truth is, I don't deserve this joy. I don't deserve it because I am a sinful human that is part of the reason Christ had to come down, suffer, and die. But I am (and all other humans) also why Christ left the grave 3 days later, so that I could experience the fullness of a relationship with Him. I don't deserve it, but He is offering it anyway. It is folly for me to do the things that rob myself of all that He is offering.

I need to work harder at being more obedient in my daily walk with my Savior. I also need to spend more time focusing on all the blessings in my life, because there are oh so many of them. If I focus more on all that Christ is, all that God is and that God does for me every moment, than I will have no excuse but to be so filled with joy, that it bubbles out of me.

There will still be rough patches in life, we live in a fallen world. But true joy is still there in the midst, because it sees beyond the temporary, beyond the dark clouds of this present world and all its pain, and onto the Throne, where the God of the universe sits, loving us.

-JLK/PRT-