I found out a couple of weeks ago that D and I are expecting our first child! It is exciting and scary and weird and wonderful all at the same time. At the end of the year we will have a baby, a little life. Right now the baby is dependent upon me and my choices. It is my job to nurture the baby as he or she grows and develops inside my body. That is a humbling and scary thought. Each choice I make can have an affect on this little life.
Not only that, but morning sickness has hit me hard, really hard. It isn't about when I feel bad or good, but about when I don't feel awful. It is an all day thing. It is a struggle to make it to work, to do things with my husband, to be joyful.
It is a struggle knowing that once I finally get to sleep I'll wake up again feeling awful. How do you tap into joy when you spend more time in the bathroom than anywhere else? It is one of those times in life where there is a dichotomy going on.
There is the joy of knowing that I have a little life inside me, that by the end of the year we are going to be parents. That gives me joy for the future. Yet, there are the health struggles of today, and today is really all I have. We are not guaranteed any tomorrows. We just have today, right now. And my right nows are not that great.
Yet, I am still determined to find the joy, because I believe that is what God wants from me. I am going to be joyful, but joy is not dependent upon circumstances, but on God. My joy is rooted in the love my Savior has for me. Circumstances change, medical issues come and go, but Jesus remains Jesus. His presence is always with me.
I can remain joyful if I remember to remain focused, not on how I feel, but on how loved I am. It isn't always easy, but it is important.
We are having a baby! A baby! Yes, I feel awful right now, but God has entrusted us with this little life. God has entrusted us to raise one of His beloved creations to love, fear, respect and live joyfully for Him. Nothing outweighs that excitement!
-JLP-
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