Putting On My Big Girl Pants

Do you ever feel totally run down? Between the kids, the pets, taking care of the home, your spouse, and your job life just gets so busy! It can leave a mother EXHAUSTED and feeling like she is running on empty. I have been feeling like this recently. I work from home as a self-published author. I take care of the home and our 8 month old daughter. I also have been dealing with trying to get our daughter insurance coverage (this ordeal began when I was pregnant so we are well into the 1 year mark of frustrations upon frustrations). There are times like today when I just want to throw up my arms and say "I'm finished! I have no more to give!". I then want to hop on the train and ride the rails till I find a secluded snowy cabin where I can recharge for a few days. Yet, running away is not possible and it will not solve any problems. In fact I'd probably come home to even more, bigger problems! So, I continue on. I keep working on my book and moving quickly toward publication. I savor every moment with my daughter and when I'm on the phone I take a deep breath and say, "Lord help me to win this battle by responding Christ like and remaining faithful. I know you are taking care of us and even this frustration You can handle". I also have found the website Pintrest to be quite therapeutic. I enjoy finding new ways to come up with gifts for house-warmings, birthdays, holidays, etc. I have found lots of good activities to remember as our daughter grows, and I even used some ideas when decorating our home! Pintrest is great for a gal on a TIGHT budget! Being a mother is WONDERFUL. Staying home with her everyday and pursuing my dream of becoming a fairly successful author is a dream come true! I am very blessed and I love my position as: wife, mom, author. Yet, as wonderful as it is, it is still life and life comes with stress, so on days like today when I feel like I can't go on I have to remember just how far I've already traveled in my journey with the Lord and I put on my big girl pants, and continue on. "Let us run with patience the race that is set before us. Looking unto Jesus, the author and finisher of our faith, who for the joy that was set before Him, endured the cross, despising the shame and is set down at the right hand of the throne of God." (Hebrews 12:1b-2)

Why I Stayed

I do not want to air all the dirty laundry in my closet, my family and I deserve some privacy, but suffice it to say this spring my marriage was tested. I was counseled to get out, that it would be ok, and maybe even for the best. Yet, I prayed, I cried and I read Scripture and a few books (Love Must Be Tough, Boundaries in Marriage and Love for a Lifetime. I sought the Lord and asked for wisdom. Yes, I forgave but forgetting and taking the next steps is HARD. I not only had myself to consider, but my child as well. I had to consider all the ramifications and take the steps that were guided by the Lord. It was not easy, and still I struggle, but I know that for myself and for my family I made the right decision. I stayed not out of duty, but out of love. I stayed because I believe in the permanence of marriage. The vows we made I meant them. I believe in fixing what is broken, and not immediately throwing it out. I also do LOVE my family and my husband and I know that my husband and family love me back. Love was never in question--sanity was. Yes, a lot of people would have made the other decision, and I can see the validity of it. But after praying and seeking I did what the Lord requested of me, and I am so thankful that I did. Now, not everything is clear sailing and sometimes late at night when I can't sleep I still wonder and question, but then I tell Satan to "shut-up" and I rest in assurance that God will honor my choice and desire to do what is right. Still, that voice says "You have been through SO MUCH in your life, how have you not broken? Wasn't this the last straw? How could this happen, why another load to bear?" I have to calm it say "The Lord is with me, and it is not me that carries these burdens, it is Christ. I give them to Him, and He shoulders the load." Yes, life is not easy, but it is rough for ALL of us, no matter what our burdens are. Yet, we don't have to bear the brunt of their weight. We can give them to God and freely move and experience happiness and joy. -JLP- Take care! Know that I am praying for you and that whatever your burden is, you give it to God and find someone else to talk with. It is amazing how freeing it is to find someone trustworthy to share life with!

It is OK to be...

Inhale, now exhale. Take a moment to just relax, and now the time has to come to open the pages of the new book! There is nothing like the adventures you can have when you read a novel. We can travel through time, over great distances and escape into another life. Books are great. Books can also be educational (think text books). For me, the novel I am reading was just that. Reading the story reminded me of a clear fact that I had forgotten. The truth is that while it is important to live joyful lives, it is also OK to let yourself feel: sad, happy, scared, anxious, annoyed, etc. We all have emotions and life is about experiencing all of them. Life is crazy and mixed up and we are all going to experience the whole gamut, it is ok. Let yourself. Be honest with yourself about how you feel, and be honest with God. Because we live in a sinful world, not everything we experience is going to be good. Some of it is the nitty gritty of life. Admit how you feel, talk to someone and that way you can move on. Just remember, however you are feeling, be honest about it. Have a blessed Mother's Day! -Me-

Music

By now we all know that music is very therapeutic. There is no denying that listening to music can change our moods. But, you don't even have to listen to music to be healed. Not long after I was raped I found a binder full of hymns that I had printed up. It also contained some of the lyrics of special songs. I remember I spend hours just reading those lyrics, and looking online for others. The words and the stories behind those words had a powerful affect on me. They were able to soothe my soul. I felt comforted knowing that someone else had been scared, someone else had been in pain, someone else had a soul full of darkness. It helped knowing the history of the hymns and seeing that they used their words, words from their souls to help heal. It gave me the encouragement to try it as well, so I set about writing my own hymn. It will never be recorded in a hymn book. It will never be considered musical, yet for me it had all the power, because I learned that I could release my thoughts in more than just my diary/blog. It was one way that I stay connected to God, even when I was trying to run from Him and blame Him. I was a paradox, I was mad at Him and blamed Him, yet deep down I still clung to Him. The clinging was buried so I didn't recognize most of the time, but as I look book, yeah my heart and mind might have shunned Him, but my soul was clinging for dear life. It was through music that I kept my connection. It was through music that I began to heal. I sought comfort in those familiar words, words and melodies that I've known my whole life. It was through music that was able to journey. Music really is powerful. If you are struggling with sadness, fear, loneliness find some upbeat music, or just music with a powerful, life affirming message, it will help. If you happy, it is time to play music and dance, dance, dance! Let music be the therapy that God intended! -ME-

One More Step

The sun beams highlight the color of the bedroom walls. The cat is curled up at the foot of the bed, my daughter is sleeping beside me, and right now I am listening to Steven Curtis Chapman. All in all it is a pretty nice morning. It is one of those mornings that I thought would never come.

On Facebook there is a March photo challenge going on. Each day there is something new to take a picture of. Today's subject "Dreams". I love this subject because it could also be labeled "Blessings". I love dreams, I have crazy ones and generally they entertain me. I have many life dreams that I'm waiting to see come true, and I have other dreams that have already come to fruition.

When I think about how far I have come in the last 10 years I feel so incredibly blessed. Yet, I know that I still have a far way to walk. My journey is not yet over. There have been many bumps along the way, and there are probably plenty more on my path. Yet, just like you, I have to take it one step at a time. If I go slow and steady and focus on the day at hand, I can live joyfully, I can be in the moment. I can use the past to remind me of how strong I am, that I am able to take this next step.

-JLP-

PTSD and Games

One of the coolest new ways to treat people suffering with PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder) is to use games. One of the best games out there is Tetris.

We all know Tetris, the block game you play on the computer (or game system) where you use blocks to make lines and get rid of them. Tetris and games like it are a good form of treatment because they force the player to focus. You get drawn into the game and the rest of the world becomes background noise as you move from level to level.

As a counselor and a person with PTSD I like this treatment. Not only do clients get absorbed into the game and are able to forget about the pain (for at least a little while) the game also provides small victories. You feel good as you knock out lines. Those that deal with PTSD need something that provides victory.

We need to see that while there is this big event in our lives, that we can still move on, that we can do normal things and be normal again. Tetris and other games provides that for us. Victories, even small ones, are important in every life, including in the lives of those with PTSD.

As always, I'm praying for you as you walk this journey of healing. May you find ways to deal with your pain and may you know that God is there, that you are special to Him and He wants to walk with you on this road.

-JP-

10 Years Ago

We never know what our lives will be like. We never know where our journey will take us. We can plan and dream but we are not guaranteed any of those plans or dreams.

When I left home for college I THOUGHT that I'd go to school, meet a man, get married, graduate with my degree in elementary education. I was then going to move back to my home town, teach till we started our family, stay home with them till they were in school and then go back to teaching.

Life had other plans for me. 10 years ago, on Feb. 2, 2002 I was brutually raped (you could call it torture, based on what they did to me. The 2 men were into S&M). That event derailed all my plans and dreams.

It was a journey I went on, and one that I realize I'm still on. Even 10 years later I'm still dealing with the repercussions of my rape, miscarriage and suicide attempt. I still have nightmares once in awhile. I still don't like being in large crowds of people I don't know (I do it, because I want to reach out to people and share God's story of my life and offer hope to others, but it takes a lot prayer each time), even in large crowds that are full of family I have trouble.

Yet, it is a journey that is full of more hope than tragedy. I have hope and joy because through my experiences I have learned just how real Christ is, just how far He goes to offer us renewal and joy. It doesn't matter what we go through, God can use it for His glory, and if we let Him, we can see that there is joy in sorrow, there is life after _______________.

10 years ago I had fear, lonliness and despair. 10 years ago I felt abandoned. And now, I have the blessed assurance that Jesus really is mine, and all the amazing benefits of that! As icing on the cake I have a husband that I'm head over heels in love with, I have a new daughter that is the joy of our lives, I have family and friends that love us and support us.

10 years ago my journey took a sharp turn, and as horrific as that turn was, I wouldn't change it (wouldn't wish the experience on ANYONE, but wouldn't change it) because that new path I went on has brought me to where I am today and where I am today is a pretty good place. I am safely in the generous, protective, loving, forgiving, guiding, encouraging, disciplining, saving arms of Christ and as HIS princess I am abundantly blessed.

Rainy Days

I nicknamed my daughter Snowflake. I have many reasons for this name. Partly because she was born in winter, but also because a snowflake is a unique and beautiful creation, created by a loving and imaginative God. A snowflake is fragile, and in order to survive it needs to be protected in its designed environment. Also, no two snowflakes are the same. They each have their own design and beauty. Finally, a snowflake is fragile on its own, but it isn't designed to be on its own. Snowflakes are designed for community, to work together.

This describes humans as well. We are each created beautiful by our loving Father. We are fragile and not made to go through this world alone. Life is better lived in community. We need each other. Our friends and family make us stronger, they help us to become the best that we can be.

Today is a rainy day and I LOVE rainy days. Some people may say that it is gloomy, an Eeyore type of day. I find it is reflective. I see the beauty in the rain. The ground needs it. The more rain we get now, the better it will be for our garden this Spring. Rain washes away the dust and brings renewal. Rain gives me time to reflect on life and to just sit with my little Snowflake and tell her how special she is.

Just like our circumstances can give us time to reflect. It is when we are down that we are the most willing to pause and wonder, to ask the big questions. So, when you get a rainy day, or when you are going through a tough time, don't let it give you the gloomies, but use it to reflect, to wonder, to grow and see the good in it. There is always good, because we serve God and God is good. It may be hard to find the good, to see the benefits, but that just means you gotta keep at it.

-JLP-

A New Perspective

January 5, 2012 is an important day in my family. It is the day that my husband and I welcomed our daughter into the world. Just 2 weeks ago. It is amazing how many changes have taken place in these 2 weeks. I've gone from being a wife to being a wife AND mommy.

Having my daughter has given me a whole new perspective on life. This little child depends totally on us and the choices that we make, the things we do. Her very survival is not up to her; she can't feed herself, she can't even sit up by herself.

This reminds me of how we as humans, and especially as abuse survivors are. We are totally dependent on the Lord to help us survive. I remember right after my rape how dark the days were. Raped, got pregnant, miscarried. Those were dark days. So dark that I tried to end it all. Yet, the Lord had other plans.

My survival wasn't my choice back then. I tried to leave, but my time here wasn't over, and as I look back I'm very glad. I would have stolen so much joy from myself. Yeah, I would be in Heaven and Heaven is a wonderful place- full of the grace of Christ. Yet, there is still so much joy for me here.

I would have missed out on meeting wonderful friends, times with family. I would have missed out on an amazing marriage with a man that I love more than anything. Also, I wouldn't have been here to give birth and raise my daughter. Only 2 weeks old, but oh so special. Just like God has a plan for my life, He has one for her life.

And, God has a plan for YOUR life. It is a plan for countless numbers of blessings, more smiles and tears of joy than you can imagine. It is a plan for a full life. The path isn't always easy (labor sure wasn't!), and yes there will be dark times, but God wants you to live all your days.

No matter how much pain you are in, no matter how hard it seems to just take the next step, you can do it. Don't cheat yourself out of life. Take the next step, and then the next, and the next, and pretty soon you'll be walking and after that, jogging!

Our lives are designed for joy- ours and to bring joy to the Lord. From a beautiful sunrise, the laughter of our children, a fun movie, a pretty plant, game night with friends, you name it- there is joy and happiness a plenty.

My daughter is already teaching me that even in the hard times, such as being awake in the wee hours, there is joy there. Because we serve the risen Lord, and He is the Light, we will not be in total darkness. There will always be a little light. Giving into the joy makes that light even brighter.

-JLP-