It seems that when we prepare to hang a new calendar (or 2) on the wall we become introspective. There is something about the dawning of a new year that makes us want to set goals and start fresh. In the spirit of the new year I have set some goals for 2010. I’m not a fan of New Year’s resolutions because they are so easy to discard and that isn’t good for the self-esteem issues that “experts” say I should worry about. I do like to set goals though. I have come up with 5 goals for 2010. They are in no particular order.
1. Drop 1 dress size (and maintain it)
2. Do something new at least once a week
3. Visit friends in OK and AZ
4. Read through the Bible in chronological order
5. Get a third of the way through my PhD course work
There you have it, my top 5 goals for 2010. Hopefully in 365 days I’ll be able to say that I accomplished my goals!
As I look back and reflect upon this year, it was another crazy and full year. A lot of good things happened: I graduated from seminary, started my PhD work, found a publisher for my book, joined the TRBC choir, went to a friend’s wedding, visited various family members, moved into a new apartment, worked with couples dealing with CSD, and deepened friendships. There were also some harder moments in the year: buried two friends (one killed in combat, one killed by self), was diagnosed with Rheumatoid Arthritis, had ups and downs with my PTSD, and had to put a new clutch in my car. I could add to the list the # of cell phones I went through, but that just makes me want to cry!
It is amazing to think of all that happened in just 365 days! We can all come up with long lists of what went on, from the noteworthy to the daily grind of life in the 21st C. There was: grocery shopping, doctor visits, helping friends through the good and bad times in their lives, classes, work, chores, and hopefully sharing the Gospel with others. Each day can be crazy, but the days do add up and pretty soon we have a pattern set, and the days turn into months, months into years, and years into decades, till we are sitting in our rocking chairs on the front porch reflecting not just on the year, but on our entire lives and what we have to show for the time God gave us.
It is like my pastor said on Sunday, when we are eulogized the minister should be able to say that we each lived our life full of days. It should be hard for people to sum up our lives and choose what to highlight. We are working toward a goal- to bring glory to holy God and increase the kingdom. How are spending our years? Are we really living “full of days”? I know I could do more, how about you?
One of my favorite shows in college was The West Wing. In one episode Sam is talking about his process in crafting speeches for the President. “Good writers borrow material from others, great writers outright steal what they want.” In that vein I want to say, “Ask not what your God can do for you [for HE already does everything and more for us] but what you can do for holy God.” What are we planning on doing in 2010 that will outlive us? What is our legacy?
May we all have a blessed 2010!
-ME-
Thursday, December 31, 2009
Wednesday, December 30, 2009
Christmas 2009
This year I spent the holy holiday with my maternal cousins in NC. It was a short trip, but very full and very good. I hope that y'all were able to find some joy this season, even if you were separated from loved ones.
On Christmas Eve day I drove to Raleigh and made it to my great Aunt and Uncle's house before dark. That evening we went to Bayleaf Baptist Church (where my family has gone for years and Pops is the Senior Adult Minister). The Christmas by Candlelight service was lovely. Two of my cousins and one of their friends joined us. After church we met at another Aunt and Uncle's house and a bunch of us chilled and had Christmas chili.
On Christmas Day Aunt S., Pops and I went over to Amber and Heather's for brunch and a few hours of just chilling and watching A Christmas Story. That was a blast, despite the pouring down rain.
That night Aunt S and I went back to Aunt C's. My cousin and his wife were around with their new baby (born on the 22). It was fun. I received a very fun gift from my cousins. Comfy pj's, slippers, two ornaments and a Packers cup. I love it!
All in all Christmas was wonderful. I wasn't with my parents and Grandma, but I was surrounded by people that love me, celebrating the birth of my Savior that loves me more than my family combined. I totally basked in the love.
Before Christmas I eeked out as much of the spirit as possible visiting different Christmas services at churches around town, and participating in the VA Christmas Spectacular. I must say that between time with my family, friends and Christmas events, it was a great Christmas and I am very blessed. Now I am praying for a joyous 2010 where I can spend the 365 serving others and having an impact on the kingdom. More on my 2010 goals on the 1st!
Till then, God bless.
-ME-
On Christmas Eve day I drove to Raleigh and made it to my great Aunt and Uncle's house before dark. That evening we went to Bayleaf Baptist Church (where my family has gone for years and Pops is the Senior Adult Minister). The Christmas by Candlelight service was lovely. Two of my cousins and one of their friends joined us. After church we met at another Aunt and Uncle's house and a bunch of us chilled and had Christmas chili.
On Christmas Day Aunt S., Pops and I went over to Amber and Heather's for brunch and a few hours of just chilling and watching A Christmas Story. That was a blast, despite the pouring down rain.
That night Aunt S and I went back to Aunt C's. My cousin and his wife were around with their new baby (born on the 22). It was fun. I received a very fun gift from my cousins. Comfy pj's, slippers, two ornaments and a Packers cup. I love it!
All in all Christmas was wonderful. I wasn't with my parents and Grandma, but I was surrounded by people that love me, celebrating the birth of my Savior that loves me more than my family combined. I totally basked in the love.
Before Christmas I eeked out as much of the spirit as possible visiting different Christmas services at churches around town, and participating in the VA Christmas Spectacular. I must say that between time with my family, friends and Christmas events, it was a great Christmas and I am very blessed. Now I am praying for a joyous 2010 where I can spend the 365 serving others and having an impact on the kingdom. More on my 2010 goals on the 1st!
Till then, God bless.
-ME-
Describing Despression
Lately it has been harder and harder to drag myself out of bed. I go to bed exhausted, and after 8 hours of sleep I wake up with the same weight around my shoulders, wrapped around my wrists and tripping my legs. The weight is officially called “Depression”, with a big D. Depression for me has been harder to deal with than pop culture makes us believe. Or maybe it is just society.
In America we don’t like to think about the harsher realities of life. We like to escape on to Fantasy Island. We have our televisions feeding us mindless drivel and the same news stories hour after hour. We have our movie theaters showing a Hollywood version of life-where good conquers evil, and if it doesn’t, it will in the sequel. We have our sports to distract. Sports are an activity where happiness is dependent upon the final score.
Maybe I am just cynical as well as depressed, but life doesn’t seem like it is the American version of what we have going on. Life is about hard work and the rewards gained from honest living. That is my problem I am not honestly living. I know I am not doing what is right. As hard as I try I just get myself to change. I love my boyfriend, but should we really be living together? It doesn’t seem right, and the statistics say that we are more likely to divorce, if we even make it to the altar. Yet, it is the 21st C. and EVERYONE “tries before they buy” if you know what I mean?
That gets me on the whole topic of S-E-X. In the 21st C. Sex is everywhere and it is out in the open, yet it is still considered by some to be dirty. The people that discuss it are: lewd, risqué, or just modern. It is the norm, but it is not a norm that is appreciated by everyone. Makes me wonder if it is right, or if sex should be taken back to the bedroom and left out of the coffee shops and city parks. Should we be discussing with our girlfriends our favorite positions, locations and toys? Or should that go back to the diaries we keep under flimsy lock and key?
Faith is another big topic in America these days. You have your “religious right” those zealous Christians that are typified by men like Jerry Falwell, Billy Graham and Charles Stanley. They have their convictions and they stick to them, no matter what. Even if you don’t agree with them, it is somewhat appealing to see someone that is so sure of what life is all about. Lots of people in America claim to be spiritual, but what are worshipping and depending upon? Why are we here? I’d like to believe in a higher power, but what is it and why did it put me here?
Atheism has its own spirituality of sorts I guess, I just haven’t found it. By believing that “God is dead” or just that there never was a god gives a person freedom to choose to believe anything. There are no moral absolutes in atheism, because there is no deity to give us any. If I want to believe that murder is ok, it is my way of self-expression, than I can, because who is to say that I am wrong? What is wrong or right for that matter?
Finding a job in this economy is not easy. I have a PhD in education and I am not really using it. I am working as a paraprofessional in an urban school where the classes are overly crowded, because the district can’t afford to pay enough teachers, so the teachers they do have are under a lot of stress to teach too many students. Not to mention I am over qualified for my job! It isn’t that I don’t appreciate the work that a para does. I have great admiration for them, but I have a PhD for Pete’s sake, and I want to use to serve the students and the district, and I can’t because my position was cut.
All of these thoughts and others tumble around in my head every day. I hear them like they are voices-taunting me. I want answers, I want to see the sunshine in life again, but my days are all gloomy. It is no wonder the big D is heavy; it hangs from me and will not let me go. I have tried talking to a therapist, but all he did was prescribe some pills and told me to exercise more to increase the happy chemicals in my body. My sister is a therapist and she thinks if I go to back to another counselor it would help, but aren’t all counselors the same?
I just don’t know how to shed these chains, but it seems like the life I am living is not the life I could be living. I see my friends with smiles and I hear them laugh, and I wonder “when I will do that and not be acting?” There is no light at the end of my tunnel. I want 2010 to be better, but how do I make it better? I’ve tried just forcing myself to be happy, but happy is elusive, it is the vapor that I can see and smell but not grab.
There have to be answers and solutions-right? Life is about more than just dragging yourself out of bed each morning, right? Life is bigger than my abyss and it is sunny sometimes? I seem to recollect enjoying my childhood, was that how life is, or was I just innocent and ignorant? I am full of questions, but I can’t seem to find the answers and I want the answers. I think if I can find some of the answers I can shed some of this Depression.
If I could get rid of this emotional, physical, mental darkness life would be better. I feel so overwhelmed that I don’t even know where to start! Which question is most important to answer? What direction do I face to begin this journey out of Depression? I think maybe if I knew what the next year held, if I could prepare for what was to come, that might help? Not knowing where my life is going, if I will have a job, how I will pay the bills, and not being able to do what I really want to do, it is all so exhausting. I just WANT ANSWERS!
***This post is based upon a few conversations I have had with a friend. She said as long as she remains unnamed I can blog her thoughts. There are so many people dealing with depression and questions about life, and wondering if 2010 will be better than 2009, and thinking that it can’t possibly be much worse, so I figured her thoughts were timely.***
In America we don’t like to think about the harsher realities of life. We like to escape on to Fantasy Island. We have our televisions feeding us mindless drivel and the same news stories hour after hour. We have our movie theaters showing a Hollywood version of life-where good conquers evil, and if it doesn’t, it will in the sequel. We have our sports to distract. Sports are an activity where happiness is dependent upon the final score.
Maybe I am just cynical as well as depressed, but life doesn’t seem like it is the American version of what we have going on. Life is about hard work and the rewards gained from honest living. That is my problem I am not honestly living. I know I am not doing what is right. As hard as I try I just get myself to change. I love my boyfriend, but should we really be living together? It doesn’t seem right, and the statistics say that we are more likely to divorce, if we even make it to the altar. Yet, it is the 21st C. and EVERYONE “tries before they buy” if you know what I mean?
That gets me on the whole topic of S-E-X. In the 21st C. Sex is everywhere and it is out in the open, yet it is still considered by some to be dirty. The people that discuss it are: lewd, risqué, or just modern. It is the norm, but it is not a norm that is appreciated by everyone. Makes me wonder if it is right, or if sex should be taken back to the bedroom and left out of the coffee shops and city parks. Should we be discussing with our girlfriends our favorite positions, locations and toys? Or should that go back to the diaries we keep under flimsy lock and key?
Faith is another big topic in America these days. You have your “religious right” those zealous Christians that are typified by men like Jerry Falwell, Billy Graham and Charles Stanley. They have their convictions and they stick to them, no matter what. Even if you don’t agree with them, it is somewhat appealing to see someone that is so sure of what life is all about. Lots of people in America claim to be spiritual, but what are worshipping and depending upon? Why are we here? I’d like to believe in a higher power, but what is it and why did it put me here?
Atheism has its own spirituality of sorts I guess, I just haven’t found it. By believing that “God is dead” or just that there never was a god gives a person freedom to choose to believe anything. There are no moral absolutes in atheism, because there is no deity to give us any. If I want to believe that murder is ok, it is my way of self-expression, than I can, because who is to say that I am wrong? What is wrong or right for that matter?
Finding a job in this economy is not easy. I have a PhD in education and I am not really using it. I am working as a paraprofessional in an urban school where the classes are overly crowded, because the district can’t afford to pay enough teachers, so the teachers they do have are under a lot of stress to teach too many students. Not to mention I am over qualified for my job! It isn’t that I don’t appreciate the work that a para does. I have great admiration for them, but I have a PhD for Pete’s sake, and I want to use to serve the students and the district, and I can’t because my position was cut.
All of these thoughts and others tumble around in my head every day. I hear them like they are voices-taunting me. I want answers, I want to see the sunshine in life again, but my days are all gloomy. It is no wonder the big D is heavy; it hangs from me and will not let me go. I have tried talking to a therapist, but all he did was prescribe some pills and told me to exercise more to increase the happy chemicals in my body. My sister is a therapist and she thinks if I go to back to another counselor it would help, but aren’t all counselors the same?
I just don’t know how to shed these chains, but it seems like the life I am living is not the life I could be living. I see my friends with smiles and I hear them laugh, and I wonder “when I will do that and not be acting?” There is no light at the end of my tunnel. I want 2010 to be better, but how do I make it better? I’ve tried just forcing myself to be happy, but happy is elusive, it is the vapor that I can see and smell but not grab.
There have to be answers and solutions-right? Life is about more than just dragging yourself out of bed each morning, right? Life is bigger than my abyss and it is sunny sometimes? I seem to recollect enjoying my childhood, was that how life is, or was I just innocent and ignorant? I am full of questions, but I can’t seem to find the answers and I want the answers. I think if I can find some of the answers I can shed some of this Depression.
If I could get rid of this emotional, physical, mental darkness life would be better. I feel so overwhelmed that I don’t even know where to start! Which question is most important to answer? What direction do I face to begin this journey out of Depression? I think maybe if I knew what the next year held, if I could prepare for what was to come, that might help? Not knowing where my life is going, if I will have a job, how I will pay the bills, and not being able to do what I really want to do, it is all so exhausting. I just WANT ANSWERS!
***This post is based upon a few conversations I have had with a friend. She said as long as she remains unnamed I can blog her thoughts. There are so many people dealing with depression and questions about life, and wondering if 2010 will be better than 2009, and thinking that it can’t possibly be much worse, so I figured her thoughts were timely.***
Thursday, December 24, 2009
End of Fall Snowstorm
Here in VA Fall left with a bang and the reality of winter hit hard. Forest (where I live) received 16 wonderful inches of snow! It was cold, it was beautiful and it was fun! The snow also created quite a mess! I love snow. The snow creates such a glorious winter wonderland. I could go and on about how snow is allegorical to life, but I'll spare y'all the story!
The snowstorm began on Friday afternoon. I was out Christmas shopping with a dear friend. We were in Barnes and Noble when the flurries began. 3 of my favorite things: a good friend, books to peruse and snow! What a great start to the weekend. My friend and I finished up our shopping and went to her condo where we played in the snow, took pictures and enjoyed the weather. When we were both cold we headed inside for dinner. Her boyfriend came over and the three of us made yummy cookies before I headed home to get all snug and cozy in my apartment.
I had a terrible time sleeping Friday night. I was too enthralled with the snow, I didn't want to waste a moment by sleeping! Queenie and I spent a lot of time curled up together watching the snow hurry and scurry to the ground. Saturday I spent the day with my neighbor (and good friend) enjoying the storm and the friendship. Saturday evening our landlords came over and we shoveled the drive-way.
Most of the town shut down over the weekend, due to the massive amounts of snow (massive is a relative term I know!). My church was still open Sunday morning, and the choir director requested that if it was possible, could we sojourn out for the 11am service.
Being that I am from the land of cold, snowy winters, I ventured out. Normally it takes around 15 minutes to get to church. I left with more than enough time. On the way I stopped to pick up a good friend. It was there that I made a rookie mistake, of which I hate to admit. I got...STUCK...yep... I got my car stuck on a hill I KNEW not to attempt. Luckily God provided some nice people to help, and we were able to make it to church 1 HOUR after I left my house, but in time for choir and the service. It was a good service.
M and I spent the afternoon at the mall (yep I went to the mall the Sunday before Christmas) and that was fun. I saw a GORGEOUS ring & necklace set at Zales. Boy was it beautiful! After the mall we still were not quite ready to head home, so we went to Barnes and Noble and had some Starbucks and browsed. Then I dropped M off at his place and continued on my merry way to my apt.
The roads were snow covered and icy, but not actually all that bad, till I made it less than a block from home. I could practically see my apartment...there was a guy in a truck with a blade clearing some apartment parking lots. He shoved a big pile of snow in the road. On the far side of the road is a ditch, but NO he couldn't take the extra 4 seconds to shove the snow in the ditch! The car in front of me got stuck, I got stuck and two other cars got stuck, all before he figured out what the problem was! We helped each other and that was that. But boy was it irritating to get stuck TWICE!!!! And I call myself a Wyoming gal! ARGH!!!
All in all it was a GREAT weekend full of time of with friends and SNOW, SNOW, SNOW. I hope that this is a sign of the winter ahead, I can use all the snow I can get.
But the story of the storm doesn't end there. Due to melting and weather conditions there have been power outages since the storm started. My neighborhood was out of power for HOURS this afternoon. Luckily, now I have electricity, so I am going to snuggle under my covers, turn on a Christmas movie and prepare for the holidays that have begun, and enjoy what is left of our white pre-Christmas.
Happy Birthday Jesus and Merry Christmas to all!!!
-ME-
The snowstorm began on Friday afternoon. I was out Christmas shopping with a dear friend. We were in Barnes and Noble when the flurries began. 3 of my favorite things: a good friend, books to peruse and snow! What a great start to the weekend. My friend and I finished up our shopping and went to her condo where we played in the snow, took pictures and enjoyed the weather. When we were both cold we headed inside for dinner. Her boyfriend came over and the three of us made yummy cookies before I headed home to get all snug and cozy in my apartment.
I had a terrible time sleeping Friday night. I was too enthralled with the snow, I didn't want to waste a moment by sleeping! Queenie and I spent a lot of time curled up together watching the snow hurry and scurry to the ground. Saturday I spent the day with my neighbor (and good friend) enjoying the storm and the friendship. Saturday evening our landlords came over and we shoveled the drive-way.
Most of the town shut down over the weekend, due to the massive amounts of snow (massive is a relative term I know!). My church was still open Sunday morning, and the choir director requested that if it was possible, could we sojourn out for the 11am service.
Being that I am from the land of cold, snowy winters, I ventured out. Normally it takes around 15 minutes to get to church. I left with more than enough time. On the way I stopped to pick up a good friend. It was there that I made a rookie mistake, of which I hate to admit. I got...STUCK...yep... I got my car stuck on a hill I KNEW not to attempt. Luckily God provided some nice people to help, and we were able to make it to church 1 HOUR after I left my house, but in time for choir and the service. It was a good service.
M and I spent the afternoon at the mall (yep I went to the mall the Sunday before Christmas) and that was fun. I saw a GORGEOUS ring & necklace set at Zales. Boy was it beautiful! After the mall we still were not quite ready to head home, so we went to Barnes and Noble and had some Starbucks and browsed. Then I dropped M off at his place and continued on my merry way to my apt.
The roads were snow covered and icy, but not actually all that bad, till I made it less than a block from home. I could practically see my apartment...there was a guy in a truck with a blade clearing some apartment parking lots. He shoved a big pile of snow in the road. On the far side of the road is a ditch, but NO he couldn't take the extra 4 seconds to shove the snow in the ditch! The car in front of me got stuck, I got stuck and two other cars got stuck, all before he figured out what the problem was! We helped each other and that was that. But boy was it irritating to get stuck TWICE!!!! And I call myself a Wyoming gal! ARGH!!!
All in all it was a GREAT weekend full of time of with friends and SNOW, SNOW, SNOW. I hope that this is a sign of the winter ahead, I can use all the snow I can get.
But the story of the storm doesn't end there. Due to melting and weather conditions there have been power outages since the storm started. My neighborhood was out of power for HOURS this afternoon. Luckily, now I have electricity, so I am going to snuggle under my covers, turn on a Christmas movie and prepare for the holidays that have begun, and enjoy what is left of our white pre-Christmas.
Happy Birthday Jesus and Merry Christmas to all!!!
-ME-
Monday, November 23, 2009
November
I can't believe that it is the week of Thanksgiving! So much has happened this month. The year is just zooming by and I don't know how to stop it. I want time to slow down.
I am going to be spending La Dia de Gracias with my cousins and I'm thankful for the chance to see them again. It should be a lot of fun. What is better than spending a holiday with people that you love?
The Virginia Christmas Spectacular starts on the 29th with a couple video recording performances and then dress rehearsals and performances kick of December and last for the first couple of weeks. The music is great, the dancing is fun, and the story is timeless and it is the most important story ever told- the story of Christ. If you are in central VA than order your tickets and come!
I am staying busy with homework, working on the re-write for Joyfully After All, and spending time with friends and counseling people (gotta make a living!). So it is a blessed life all in all.
My R.A. is no fun, and it makes mornings really hard, but it is something I can deal with, and I don't let it get me down. It is part of my life, not my whole life.
I have already decorated most of my house for Christmas. I still need to get my tree, and put up some mistletoe and garland, but my house looks like Christmas, and with all the Christmas music and movies I plan to enjoy, I live in a Christmas wonderland! The only thing I can think of that would make it even better would be some snow.
Nothing too exciting to share. Remember to pray for our troops and their families. Pray that everyone comes home safely and that we can bring a peaceful end to this conflict.
Have a blessed Thanksgiving everyone and remember that we should be counting our blessings 365 days a year!
I am going to be spending La Dia de Gracias with my cousins and I'm thankful for the chance to see them again. It should be a lot of fun. What is better than spending a holiday with people that you love?
The Virginia Christmas Spectacular starts on the 29th with a couple video recording performances and then dress rehearsals and performances kick of December and last for the first couple of weeks. The music is great, the dancing is fun, and the story is timeless and it is the most important story ever told- the story of Christ. If you are in central VA than order your tickets and come!
I am staying busy with homework, working on the re-write for Joyfully After All, and spending time with friends and counseling people (gotta make a living!). So it is a blessed life all in all.
My R.A. is no fun, and it makes mornings really hard, but it is something I can deal with, and I don't let it get me down. It is part of my life, not my whole life.
I have already decorated most of my house for Christmas. I still need to get my tree, and put up some mistletoe and garland, but my house looks like Christmas, and with all the Christmas music and movies I plan to enjoy, I live in a Christmas wonderland! The only thing I can think of that would make it even better would be some snow.
Nothing too exciting to share. Remember to pray for our troops and their families. Pray that everyone comes home safely and that we can bring a peaceful end to this conflict.
Have a blessed Thanksgiving everyone and remember that we should be counting our blessings 365 days a year!
Thursday, October 29, 2009
Joyfully After All
Here it is, you are the first to read the official title of my book! How exciting is that! I am so excited to have finally found a title that I really like! The full title is Joyrfully After All: A College Girl's Journey From Rape to Christ
Sound off and let me know what you think!
I came up with the title because it is my life goal- to live joyfully no matter what the circumstances. I do not always succeed, but I am always trying. One of my life verses is James 1: 2-6
"2My friends, be glad, even if you have a lot of trouble. 3You know that you learn to endure by having your faith tested. 4But you must learn to endure everything, so that you will be completely mature and not lacking in anything.
5If any of you need wisdom, you should ask God, and it will be given to you. God is generous and won't correct you for asking. 6But when you ask for something, you must have faith and not doubt. Anyone who doubts is like an ocean wave tossed around in a storm." (CEV)
Joy comes when we know that we are serving the Lord, that we are being obedient and we are focusing on the prize---eternity in Heaven with HIM!!! There is nothing on this earth that is so bad that it can steal our joy and our future. That doesn't mean that the tears, sadness and frustration don't come our way, because even if we are living in the midst of joy we can still be sad, but it means that those things are momentary, they will pass and the joy will bubble up again. Tears may last for a night, but comes through the mourning. It is OK to be sad---Christ was, but we can't remain that way forever, we have to dig deep and allow ourselves to rest in God's love, peace and joy---it is one of the fruits of His spirit!
So other than coming up with a Pulitzer Prize winning title (I hear international awards are just being thrown at people these days!) I have had a busy October. I was diagnosed with Rheumatoid Arthritis which is somewhat deceiving in that it is NOT arthritis, it is an auto-immune disease (think lupus, chronic fatigue and fibromyalgia). On the R.A. scale I'm at the high end of moderate (so PTL I'm not in the severe category). I'm learning to live with R.A. On Monday I am meeting with a specialist who gets to answer a whole slew of questions and discuss things I've come across in my research. Knowledge is power and I plan to amass a lot of power over the R.A. soon I'll know everything there is to know about R.A. because that is how I work.
Aside from the R.A. it has been a blessed month for me. I am really enjoying choir and practicing for the Virginia Christmas Spectacular. I have already memorized most of the lyrics because I listen to the music all the time! I have a valid reason why I have to listen to Christmas music in October! PTL!!! God is good to me! Christmas year round!
Currently I have quite a few friends that are deployed right now and I've been enjoying sending them letters and little care packages. Yes our troops have access (amount varies based upon where they are) to phones and internet, but mail call is still an important part of the day for our troops, and there is nothing like having a letter, card, post card to read and re-read when you are half-way around the globe, it helps in so many ways and troop morale is very important.
If you don't know anyone that is currently deployed there are many organizations that will connect you to a service member that doesn't have anyone to write to them. I work with Angels N' Camouflage. http://www.angelsncamouflage.org/ This is a great non-profit group that will match you with deployed service members or with vets that need someone to write and pray for them. There are others as well, but this is a group that I use and I have to say I've been blessed by my involvement.
The Packers will be hosting Favre and the Vikings this weekend. I'm anxiously awaiting that game! I earnestly hope and EXPECT that Favre and the Vikings will get the thrashing they so richly deserve! I have been a Packers for quite awhile and I grew up watching Favre play. I love the guy---he plays like he is playing neighborhood ball. It is just fun to watch him, he loves it so much, and on top of that he is still at age 40 one of the best players EVER and he is great form. That said, I do think he is a bit of a traitor to have gone to the Vikings. OUR rivals!!! WTF (what the fubar!) Yes, I know all the arguments for it---the V's are giving a great shot at an awesome season and a chance to do well in the post season, any QB worth anything would want to play for the most well rounded team. But still the VIKINGS!?! It is just NOT right! But, I wish him a safe and successful season, and next year will be the Packers year!
Have a blessed last few days of October and try to savor snatches of time in November. These last couple of months of the year really seem to zoom by, so try to steal a few moments to just rest and really count your blessings, we are always more blessed than we think--no matter what is going on in our lives we are certainly blessed in some way.
My prayers go to the Lord for each of you!
-ME-
Sound off and let me know what you think!
I came up with the title because it is my life goal- to live joyfully no matter what the circumstances. I do not always succeed, but I am always trying. One of my life verses is James 1: 2-6
"2My friends, be glad, even if you have a lot of trouble. 3You know that you learn to endure by having your faith tested. 4But you must learn to endure everything, so that you will be completely mature and not lacking in anything.
5If any of you need wisdom, you should ask God, and it will be given to you. God is generous and won't correct you for asking. 6But when you ask for something, you must have faith and not doubt. Anyone who doubts is like an ocean wave tossed around in a storm." (CEV)
Joy comes when we know that we are serving the Lord, that we are being obedient and we are focusing on the prize---eternity in Heaven with HIM!!! There is nothing on this earth that is so bad that it can steal our joy and our future. That doesn't mean that the tears, sadness and frustration don't come our way, because even if we are living in the midst of joy we can still be sad, but it means that those things are momentary, they will pass and the joy will bubble up again. Tears may last for a night, but comes through the mourning. It is OK to be sad---Christ was, but we can't remain that way forever, we have to dig deep and allow ourselves to rest in God's love, peace and joy---it is one of the fruits of His spirit!
So other than coming up with a Pulitzer Prize winning title (I hear international awards are just being thrown at people these days!) I have had a busy October. I was diagnosed with Rheumatoid Arthritis which is somewhat deceiving in that it is NOT arthritis, it is an auto-immune disease (think lupus, chronic fatigue and fibromyalgia). On the R.A. scale I'm at the high end of moderate (so PTL I'm not in the severe category). I'm learning to live with R.A. On Monday I am meeting with a specialist who gets to answer a whole slew of questions and discuss things I've come across in my research. Knowledge is power and I plan to amass a lot of power over the R.A. soon I'll know everything there is to know about R.A. because that is how I work.
Aside from the R.A. it has been a blessed month for me. I am really enjoying choir and practicing for the Virginia Christmas Spectacular. I have already memorized most of the lyrics because I listen to the music all the time! I have a valid reason why I have to listen to Christmas music in October! PTL!!! God is good to me! Christmas year round!
Currently I have quite a few friends that are deployed right now and I've been enjoying sending them letters and little care packages. Yes our troops have access (amount varies based upon where they are) to phones and internet, but mail call is still an important part of the day for our troops, and there is nothing like having a letter, card, post card to read and re-read when you are half-way around the globe, it helps in so many ways and troop morale is very important.
If you don't know anyone that is currently deployed there are many organizations that will connect you to a service member that doesn't have anyone to write to them. I work with Angels N' Camouflage. http://www.angelsncamouflage.org/ This is a great non-profit group that will match you with deployed service members or with vets that need someone to write and pray for them. There are others as well, but this is a group that I use and I have to say I've been blessed by my involvement.
The Packers will be hosting Favre and the Vikings this weekend. I'm anxiously awaiting that game! I earnestly hope and EXPECT that Favre and the Vikings will get the thrashing they so richly deserve! I have been a Packers for quite awhile and I grew up watching Favre play. I love the guy---he plays like he is playing neighborhood ball. It is just fun to watch him, he loves it so much, and on top of that he is still at age 40 one of the best players EVER and he is great form. That said, I do think he is a bit of a traitor to have gone to the Vikings. OUR rivals!!! WTF (what the fubar!) Yes, I know all the arguments for it---the V's are giving a great shot at an awesome season and a chance to do well in the post season, any QB worth anything would want to play for the most well rounded team. But still the VIKINGS!?! It is just NOT right! But, I wish him a safe and successful season, and next year will be the Packers year!
Have a blessed last few days of October and try to savor snatches of time in November. These last couple of months of the year really seem to zoom by, so try to steal a few moments to just rest and really count your blessings, we are always more blessed than we think--no matter what is going on in our lives we are certainly blessed in some way.
My prayers go to the Lord for each of you!
-ME-
Saturday, October 10, 2009
What My Miscarriage is Teaching Me
*** I apologize that is QUITE wordy, but it is some thoughts that are rambling through my head this evening.***
As I was working on my book and reading parts of it I had to think about a few things. The thing about writing an autobiography is that it forces the author to really examine his/her life. So much has happened in my 26 years of life. I have been blessed in so many ways and I realize that. I have also experienced the pure evil we humans can inflict upon each other.
Today is October 11, 2009. 7 years 8 months and 9 days ago I was raped and tortured for a couple of hours by two men. Out of that rape came a blessing- a pregnancy. It was a pregnancy that shouldn’t have happened. Most rapes are too violent for the sperm to survive (turns out those little guys are fragile) to make it fertilize a woman’s egg. Once in awhile though a swimmer makes it through and the result is a baby.
That happened to me 7 years 8 months and 9 days ago. I was the girl that dreamed of going to college, earning my teaching degree, getting married, teaching for a few years and then having some children and staying at home to raise them to love the Lord. That was my dream and my plan. I have always loved children and people have always commented that I have a way with children that they respond to. So when I was pregnant it was in a way a dream come true. I was going to be a mother, finally-after 18 years of waiting it was my turn!
18 years, that doesn’t sound like much! Looking back, it really wasn’t. As much as I’ve yearned to be a mother getting raped and pregnant when I was a freshman in college and a virgin the day before-that was NOT how I planned it! I did NOT want to be a single Mom. I was reeling from the rape when I realized I was pregnant. I was below rock bottom. The news, that should have been cause for a celebration, just moved those rocks farther above me.
As confused and scared as I was looking at that pregnancy test and as knowing the way things turned out (I miscarried) I still wonder about my baby. For a couple of months God blessed me with an answer to prayer. I had prayed to be a Mom and I got pregnant. So God did answer my prayer. I think that as long as I live I’ll wonder about my child that would be getting ready to celebrate a birthday. What would my child look like? Was it a boy or a girl? Was it Micah Bradley or Paige Evelyn? Would my child love books as much as I do? There are so many things to wonder about.
I think that every woman (regardless of the circumstances surrounding the pregnancy) goes through a myriad of emotions, and that is without factoring in hormones! We are excited, scared, nervous, happy, joyful, cautious, and scared. Will we be good for this child? What if we don’t know an answer to their question? What if something happens to the child how will protect this precious life? Will he/she grow up to love the Lord and love others? Being a parent is awesome responsibility. It is one of the most precious jobs in the world.
Right now my child is up in Heaven hanging out with the Lord, and as much as I yearn sometimes to have had the chance to raise and love my child, to hold him/her and kiss them goodnight, to fix boo-boos, change diapers, teach him/her to read and to love savoring the words of Christ (both written and spoken to our hearts) I can’t be too mad that God has spared my child the tragedies that we all face on the earth. I HAVE to focus on the positive aspects of God calling my child home before he/she was born. God has reasons for everything.
I was not really at a place emotionally where I could have raised a child. During the first year after my rape I was a totally lost soul. I did a fair facsimile of playing the part of an American college student, but inside I was a mess. God knew that. I like to think that if I hadn’t miscarried God would have given me the strength, finances, wisdom, endurance, support to raise my child.
This is a hard time of the year for me. I think of my child that is in Heaven right now worshiping my Christ, our Savior, the holy God. I also think of my friend that was raped and murdered in early November 2007. Two people that I love dearly and did not have nearly enough time with here on earth, but that I get to spend to eternity with and we get to spend that eternity praising God!
It can be confusing, because we do mourn the loss of people that have gone to Heaven before us, people that we love: friends, family, leaders that we admired, etc. Yet, we also know that as Christians we shouldn’t give in to the temptation to sink into depression. Yes, they are no longer with us and that is awful, but where they are is so amazing. We can’t even imagine how wonderful Heaven is-It is that awesome! Our friends and family are there (if they believed and accepted God’s offer of salvation) and that is a much better place for them than this corrupted earth.
I still come back to the thought though that people I love are gone, and I’ve had to say good-bye to a lot of people I love: Em, Cody, Grandma, my baby, Tiffany and Michael, Grandpa, uncle Dewey, and Granny Hill (just to name a few). I like to cling to the promises and the hope of Scripture, but it is hard when all I want to do is call one of them and chat or go have dinner with them! At times I just want to sit on the floor and throw a tantrum because it isn’t fair that I have had to say good-bye to so many people I love, and that I was raped. Evil isn’t fair! Life sometimes royally sucks!
As a seminary graduate and aspiring counselor I feel like there are some answers that I should have that I just don’t. There are times when I am totally clueless as to how to handle what life throws at me. I KNOW that it is in these times that I need to make sure that I’m not just running to Christ, but that I haven’t ever left His side. When I don’t know what to do, what to say, how to react to the seeming unfairness of life I should turn to Jesus and give it all to Him.
That is a lot easier said than done! It is easy to say “Pray and rest in God’s love.” Yet, that is not an easy thing to do. Maybe if I was a more mature Christian it would be easier, I don’t know, but there are some things where it is just hard. I know what to do, and I LOVE to pray it is one of my favorite activities, but God knows how often I’ll give Him my cares only to snatch it all back up!
Right now I just miss the child that was mine, and that is something I need to give to the Lord. I don’t know why it hit me today more than it does some days. It seems weird to miss someone so acutely after 7 years of separation, and someone that I knew for such a short amount of time, and never outside the womb. The feeling is a testament to the bond between mother and child. We women were created to nurture, protect and love our children, from the moment of conception through death. It is part of who we are, and mothers express this just a little bit differently.
Having experienced a miscarriage, even one where the conception was not an answer to prayer, has given me a perspective on life, love and motherhood that I would not have otherwise. It has made me grow up in many ways, acknowledge things about myself, about what I want out of life, what I believe about God that might not have happened in any other case. I have had to learn to rely on the Lord so much more. I have had to learn to embrace His love in a different way than before. I have learned that there is beauty in pain, there is restoration and forgiveness.
The biggest lesson I have learned since the rape and miscarriage has to do with forgiveness and not just how to forgive my two rapists, and the school that created and allowed a situation where I was in danger (long story there), but to mostly forgive myself. I think that is one of the hardest things to do. I am getting better at forgiving others, due to the grace and instruction from the Lord, but I am still not good at forgiving myself. Yet, if we don’t forgive ourselves it is thumbing out noses at God.
If God is willing and eager to forgive us, who are we to refuse to forgive ourselves? It is like telling God-You may think I’m worthy of forgiveness, but You are wrong, I’m not. God is never wrong, so if He forgives shouldn’t we give ourselves the same grace, at least a measure of the grace we extend to others?
Having had to say good-bye to so many people in my life has taught me just how temporal this life is. We NEVER know how much time we have left. I have learned that it is important that I spend whatever time I have to serve my Lord first, serve my family and friends second and to find as much joy as I can. Joy is important.
God loves to see His children enjoying life and focusing on the blessings. All good gifts come from Him and He is a lavish Father. Even in the darkest moments, even when rock bottom is sky high there is something to call a blessing, because even there God is with us, and that is more than we deserve! God is so good. He blesses each and every day. Life is not really fair. It is not fair that some people have to go through a lot of crap and deal with a load of care while other people seem to enjoy the good life all the time.
The secret is to remember that we never see the good life comes in obedience to Christ and trusting Him. Life may not be easy, in fact Christ promises just the opposite, we will have crosses to bear, and the cross was NOT easy for Him. But there is joy is knowing that we are serving the Lord, doing His will and our reward is eternity with Him in Heaven and all our beloved brethren that have proceeded us. There is joy is helping others, in knowing that we made their day just a little bit easier, happier. There is joy in knowing that we are loved beyond measure. There is joy in knowing that God is right beside us, behind us, before us. There is joy in the knowing and in the acceptance.
As I was working on my book and reading parts of it I had to think about a few things. The thing about writing an autobiography is that it forces the author to really examine his/her life. So much has happened in my 26 years of life. I have been blessed in so many ways and I realize that. I have also experienced the pure evil we humans can inflict upon each other.
Today is October 11, 2009. 7 years 8 months and 9 days ago I was raped and tortured for a couple of hours by two men. Out of that rape came a blessing- a pregnancy. It was a pregnancy that shouldn’t have happened. Most rapes are too violent for the sperm to survive (turns out those little guys are fragile) to make it fertilize a woman’s egg. Once in awhile though a swimmer makes it through and the result is a baby.
That happened to me 7 years 8 months and 9 days ago. I was the girl that dreamed of going to college, earning my teaching degree, getting married, teaching for a few years and then having some children and staying at home to raise them to love the Lord. That was my dream and my plan. I have always loved children and people have always commented that I have a way with children that they respond to. So when I was pregnant it was in a way a dream come true. I was going to be a mother, finally-after 18 years of waiting it was my turn!
18 years, that doesn’t sound like much! Looking back, it really wasn’t. As much as I’ve yearned to be a mother getting raped and pregnant when I was a freshman in college and a virgin the day before-that was NOT how I planned it! I did NOT want to be a single Mom. I was reeling from the rape when I realized I was pregnant. I was below rock bottom. The news, that should have been cause for a celebration, just moved those rocks farther above me.
As confused and scared as I was looking at that pregnancy test and as knowing the way things turned out (I miscarried) I still wonder about my baby. For a couple of months God blessed me with an answer to prayer. I had prayed to be a Mom and I got pregnant. So God did answer my prayer. I think that as long as I live I’ll wonder about my child that would be getting ready to celebrate a birthday. What would my child look like? Was it a boy or a girl? Was it Micah Bradley or Paige Evelyn? Would my child love books as much as I do? There are so many things to wonder about.
I think that every woman (regardless of the circumstances surrounding the pregnancy) goes through a myriad of emotions, and that is without factoring in hormones! We are excited, scared, nervous, happy, joyful, cautious, and scared. Will we be good for this child? What if we don’t know an answer to their question? What if something happens to the child how will protect this precious life? Will he/she grow up to love the Lord and love others? Being a parent is awesome responsibility. It is one of the most precious jobs in the world.
Right now my child is up in Heaven hanging out with the Lord, and as much as I yearn sometimes to have had the chance to raise and love my child, to hold him/her and kiss them goodnight, to fix boo-boos, change diapers, teach him/her to read and to love savoring the words of Christ (both written and spoken to our hearts) I can’t be too mad that God has spared my child the tragedies that we all face on the earth. I HAVE to focus on the positive aspects of God calling my child home before he/she was born. God has reasons for everything.
I was not really at a place emotionally where I could have raised a child. During the first year after my rape I was a totally lost soul. I did a fair facsimile of playing the part of an American college student, but inside I was a mess. God knew that. I like to think that if I hadn’t miscarried God would have given me the strength, finances, wisdom, endurance, support to raise my child.
This is a hard time of the year for me. I think of my child that is in Heaven right now worshiping my Christ, our Savior, the holy God. I also think of my friend that was raped and murdered in early November 2007. Two people that I love dearly and did not have nearly enough time with here on earth, but that I get to spend to eternity with and we get to spend that eternity praising God!
It can be confusing, because we do mourn the loss of people that have gone to Heaven before us, people that we love: friends, family, leaders that we admired, etc. Yet, we also know that as Christians we shouldn’t give in to the temptation to sink into depression. Yes, they are no longer with us and that is awful, but where they are is so amazing. We can’t even imagine how wonderful Heaven is-It is that awesome! Our friends and family are there (if they believed and accepted God’s offer of salvation) and that is a much better place for them than this corrupted earth.
I still come back to the thought though that people I love are gone, and I’ve had to say good-bye to a lot of people I love: Em, Cody, Grandma, my baby, Tiffany and Michael, Grandpa, uncle Dewey, and Granny Hill (just to name a few). I like to cling to the promises and the hope of Scripture, but it is hard when all I want to do is call one of them and chat or go have dinner with them! At times I just want to sit on the floor and throw a tantrum because it isn’t fair that I have had to say good-bye to so many people I love, and that I was raped. Evil isn’t fair! Life sometimes royally sucks!
As a seminary graduate and aspiring counselor I feel like there are some answers that I should have that I just don’t. There are times when I am totally clueless as to how to handle what life throws at me. I KNOW that it is in these times that I need to make sure that I’m not just running to Christ, but that I haven’t ever left His side. When I don’t know what to do, what to say, how to react to the seeming unfairness of life I should turn to Jesus and give it all to Him.
That is a lot easier said than done! It is easy to say “Pray and rest in God’s love.” Yet, that is not an easy thing to do. Maybe if I was a more mature Christian it would be easier, I don’t know, but there are some things where it is just hard. I know what to do, and I LOVE to pray it is one of my favorite activities, but God knows how often I’ll give Him my cares only to snatch it all back up!
Right now I just miss the child that was mine, and that is something I need to give to the Lord. I don’t know why it hit me today more than it does some days. It seems weird to miss someone so acutely after 7 years of separation, and someone that I knew for such a short amount of time, and never outside the womb. The feeling is a testament to the bond between mother and child. We women were created to nurture, protect and love our children, from the moment of conception through death. It is part of who we are, and mothers express this just a little bit differently.
Having experienced a miscarriage, even one where the conception was not an answer to prayer, has given me a perspective on life, love and motherhood that I would not have otherwise. It has made me grow up in many ways, acknowledge things about myself, about what I want out of life, what I believe about God that might not have happened in any other case. I have had to learn to rely on the Lord so much more. I have had to learn to embrace His love in a different way than before. I have learned that there is beauty in pain, there is restoration and forgiveness.
The biggest lesson I have learned since the rape and miscarriage has to do with forgiveness and not just how to forgive my two rapists, and the school that created and allowed a situation where I was in danger (long story there), but to mostly forgive myself. I think that is one of the hardest things to do. I am getting better at forgiving others, due to the grace and instruction from the Lord, but I am still not good at forgiving myself. Yet, if we don’t forgive ourselves it is thumbing out noses at God.
If God is willing and eager to forgive us, who are we to refuse to forgive ourselves? It is like telling God-You may think I’m worthy of forgiveness, but You are wrong, I’m not. God is never wrong, so if He forgives shouldn’t we give ourselves the same grace, at least a measure of the grace we extend to others?
Having had to say good-bye to so many people in my life has taught me just how temporal this life is. We NEVER know how much time we have left. I have learned that it is important that I spend whatever time I have to serve my Lord first, serve my family and friends second and to find as much joy as I can. Joy is important.
God loves to see His children enjoying life and focusing on the blessings. All good gifts come from Him and He is a lavish Father. Even in the darkest moments, even when rock bottom is sky high there is something to call a blessing, because even there God is with us, and that is more than we deserve! God is so good. He blesses each and every day. Life is not really fair. It is not fair that some people have to go through a lot of crap and deal with a load of care while other people seem to enjoy the good life all the time.
The secret is to remember that we never see the good life comes in obedience to Christ and trusting Him. Life may not be easy, in fact Christ promises just the opposite, we will have crosses to bear, and the cross was NOT easy for Him. But there is joy is knowing that we are serving the Lord, doing His will and our reward is eternity with Him in Heaven and all our beloved brethren that have proceeded us. There is joy is helping others, in knowing that we made their day just a little bit easier, happier. There is joy in knowing that we are loved beyond measure. There is joy in knowing that God is right beside us, behind us, before us. There is joy in the knowing and in the acceptance.
Saturday, October 3, 2009
What Answers!?!
I feel like I should write something, because I have so many thoughts going through my head right now, but nothing I write seems all that astounding or really worth sharing. I have had a good start to October so far. My school just trounced the team we hosted in football, that was exciting.
The more I spend time with my new career the more I realize that yes I am called to working with people and counseling. It is not easy work. It can be overwhelming, humbling and downright scary! My clients come to me expecting that I'll be able to help them fix their problems and make life easier. I'm supposed to have the answers! GULP! I don't! I'm still trying to figure out life!
Yet, I do have the one thing most necessary, the Holy Spirit. He is more than invited into each session, HE is begged for! I can't do this without Him. I also have a solid education, and well common sense as well. So it isn't like I am totally unprepared. And, yes I do have some answers. My education has taught me many things, so I am able to help and I'm working on becoming even more educated and highly qualified.
Yet, I think any counselor that believes they have all the answers is just fooling themselves. We are at our wisest when we admit we don't know something, because that is when we are willing to listen to the Holy Spirit and use His words, tap into His heart.
Counseling can be hard because we are taking on the pain of others and trying to lessen it. I have come to appreciate the words of a great old hymn and it is my motto for work. What a Friend I have in Jesus, all my sins and griefs to bear. Oh what joy I often forfeit, all because I do not carry everything to God in prayer! We are created for perfection and joy. We are sinful, fallen and we need each other and God (especially) to deal with the burdens of a fallen world. Just as my clients look to me for answers, I look to The Counselor for answers and just pray that what I share is directly from Him.
I love what I do. I love working with people and seeing them grow and the light that comes when pain is lifted, when something makes sense and the light bulb comes on. I love especially helping people grow into an intimate relationship with the Lord and see how the Lord shrinks their problems and sometimes removes them entirely. Yet, I admit that even with all my education, commonsense, and insight there is only one that I can sincerely help my clients and that is by admiting that on my own I don't have the answers, but I have the source of all answers and He loves to impart wisdom, comfort, knowledge, peace and joy!
I love that my career is one where I can serve others, serve the Lord and that it allows me to grow as a follower of Holy God each and every day! There is nothing more precious in life than that!
When I don't know what to do or what to say I turn to Him and the answers come! Go God!!!
-ME-
The more I spend time with my new career the more I realize that yes I am called to working with people and counseling. It is not easy work. It can be overwhelming, humbling and downright scary! My clients come to me expecting that I'll be able to help them fix their problems and make life easier. I'm supposed to have the answers! GULP! I don't! I'm still trying to figure out life!
Yet, I do have the one thing most necessary, the Holy Spirit. He is more than invited into each session, HE is begged for! I can't do this without Him. I also have a solid education, and well common sense as well. So it isn't like I am totally unprepared. And, yes I do have some answers. My education has taught me many things, so I am able to help and I'm working on becoming even more educated and highly qualified.
Yet, I think any counselor that believes they have all the answers is just fooling themselves. We are at our wisest when we admit we don't know something, because that is when we are willing to listen to the Holy Spirit and use His words, tap into His heart.
Counseling can be hard because we are taking on the pain of others and trying to lessen it. I have come to appreciate the words of a great old hymn and it is my motto for work. What a Friend I have in Jesus, all my sins and griefs to bear. Oh what joy I often forfeit, all because I do not carry everything to God in prayer! We are created for perfection and joy. We are sinful, fallen and we need each other and God (especially) to deal with the burdens of a fallen world. Just as my clients look to me for answers, I look to The Counselor for answers and just pray that what I share is directly from Him.
I love what I do. I love working with people and seeing them grow and the light that comes when pain is lifted, when something makes sense and the light bulb comes on. I love especially helping people grow into an intimate relationship with the Lord and see how the Lord shrinks their problems and sometimes removes them entirely. Yet, I admit that even with all my education, commonsense, and insight there is only one that I can sincerely help my clients and that is by admiting that on my own I don't have the answers, but I have the source of all answers and He loves to impart wisdom, comfort, knowledge, peace and joy!
I love that my career is one where I can serve others, serve the Lord and that it allows me to grow as a follower of Holy God each and every day! There is nothing more precious in life than that!
When I don't know what to do or what to say I turn to Him and the answers come! Go God!!!
-ME-
Wednesday, September 30, 2009
Patriotism and God
Right now I am watching World Trade Center starring Nick Cage. It is the movie that came out 3 yrs ago based on the true story of 2 police officers stuck in the rubble of the WTC on Sept. 11, 2001. Between the movie, my friends and family, and my work/schooling focusing on the military I tend to wonder: What does patriotism REALLY mean?
I LOVE America, more than any other country. There are other countries that I yearn to visit: Ireland, India, Greece, Australia, Holland, England, etc. And a few of these I wouldn't mind living in for a few years. Given that, there is no other country that I want to call MINE other than America.
Even though I voted for the other guy, and I am not happy with the plans the liberals have for my country, I still love her and I pray daily for my fellow Americans, especially our lawmakers, military and first responders. I have a flag that remains by my front door, I write to soldiers, I obey the laws and pay taxes. Those are all good things, but what does it mean to REALLY be patriotic? Is is just a feeling or is a feeling that is evidenced by actions, and what are those actions?
Just because a person flies a flag it does not mean they are patriotic. Which brings me to another point. James (in the Bible) tells us that faith without works is dead, and vice versa. Doing good things, going to church, singing about Christ, all good things, do not make me a Christian, or if I am, a very good one, necessarily. There has to be attitude and choice along with action.
God wants all of us--our actions, our emotions, our hearts, souls, and minds. Christianity isn't just a religion, a set of beliefs to offer comfort. It is a way of life based upon truth.
I guess patriotism is the same--a way of life based upon love for my country. While it is important to love your country it is far more important to love God. Loyalty to the God that created you is of the utmost importance.
I serve my Lord first and foremost and then I serve my family, friends and country. It is all about priorities.
My final thought for the night has to do with counseling. As a newbie in the field I am hit with the overwhelming fact that I am taking on the pain/confusion/fears/doubts/shame/etc. of others and they expect me to help lessen or shrink the problems and help them come out on the other end. That is an amazing calling, scary and humbling. The more I see, and the more counselor friends I talk to the more I wonder: How do non-Christians do it?
There is NO way I could do this job without the Lord right there in the room guiding me. There is no way I could handle to emotional aspect of the job, without the Lord showing me how to care about clients and serve them and then leave their problems in the room. You can't take them with you.
The lyrics from "What a Friend We Have in Jesus" make so much sense to me now. Just like my clients take their problems to me and the load is lifted, we ALL take our problems to the Lord and He is more than able to handle them, and even better- HE WANTS to. We give ourselves---the good and bad to Him and He shrinks them and we can go on. He is the true Counselor, the one that I yearn to mimic. His advice and words are what I hope to share with my clients as well as with friends, family and countrymen.
All these thoughts as I watch WTC. What a night!
-ME-
I LOVE America, more than any other country. There are other countries that I yearn to visit: Ireland, India, Greece, Australia, Holland, England, etc. And a few of these I wouldn't mind living in for a few years. Given that, there is no other country that I want to call MINE other than America.
Even though I voted for the other guy, and I am not happy with the plans the liberals have for my country, I still love her and I pray daily for my fellow Americans, especially our lawmakers, military and first responders. I have a flag that remains by my front door, I write to soldiers, I obey the laws and pay taxes. Those are all good things, but what does it mean to REALLY be patriotic? Is is just a feeling or is a feeling that is evidenced by actions, and what are those actions?
Just because a person flies a flag it does not mean they are patriotic. Which brings me to another point. James (in the Bible) tells us that faith without works is dead, and vice versa. Doing good things, going to church, singing about Christ, all good things, do not make me a Christian, or if I am, a very good one, necessarily. There has to be attitude and choice along with action.
God wants all of us--our actions, our emotions, our hearts, souls, and minds. Christianity isn't just a religion, a set of beliefs to offer comfort. It is a way of life based upon truth.
I guess patriotism is the same--a way of life based upon love for my country. While it is important to love your country it is far more important to love God. Loyalty to the God that created you is of the utmost importance.
I serve my Lord first and foremost and then I serve my family, friends and country. It is all about priorities.
My final thought for the night has to do with counseling. As a newbie in the field I am hit with the overwhelming fact that I am taking on the pain/confusion/fears/doubts/shame/etc. of others and they expect me to help lessen or shrink the problems and help them come out on the other end. That is an amazing calling, scary and humbling. The more I see, and the more counselor friends I talk to the more I wonder: How do non-Christians do it?
There is NO way I could do this job without the Lord right there in the room guiding me. There is no way I could handle to emotional aspect of the job, without the Lord showing me how to care about clients and serve them and then leave their problems in the room. You can't take them with you.
The lyrics from "What a Friend We Have in Jesus" make so much sense to me now. Just like my clients take their problems to me and the load is lifted, we ALL take our problems to the Lord and He is more than able to handle them, and even better- HE WANTS to. We give ourselves---the good and bad to Him and He shrinks them and we can go on. He is the true Counselor, the one that I yearn to mimic. His advice and words are what I hope to share with my clients as well as with friends, family and countrymen.
All these thoughts as I watch WTC. What a night!
-ME-
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
Autumnal Thoughts
September is half over today and Autumn is right around the corner. I can feel it in the air, and see it as the trees are just beginning to hint at the glorious color that is on its way. Virginia in Autumn is a beautiful place to be- I can't imagine being anywhere else. I just love it.
The change in seasons always reminds me that I need to take time to make sure that with the frenetic pace of life in these United States I'm keeping up spiritually, physically, emotionally and all that.
Life is never easy---for the Christian or the non-Christian. I used to think that as Christians we should have it easier, but as the song "Through the Fire" (which we are singing in choir on Sunday) states "God did not promise that cross would not get heavy, that the hill will not be hard to climb. He never offers our victories without fighting..." but He goes through it WITH us. So yes, looking at it that way, we do have it easier, because we have God right beside us. We all go through crap, some of it is measly little, daily stuff, like watching the clock at work and wishing the hour hand would just move, or struggling with an out of order appliance.
There are also the harder things--death, rape, thievery, friends letting you down, worries about how to pay the bills, a broken car, a kid that is wayward, a spouse that is deployed and you are left at home to man the homefront and pray for a safe return, etc. No matter what the battles are, we have an amazing capability to overcome and be stronger for it.
We also have a built in sense of the amazing--be it the Autumn colors, the glory of crisp air, a major sports feat, watching an ocean sunset, or whatever it is, we are built to enjoy the marvelous, to be enraptured by so much. Autumn (such a prettier word than Fall) is a time to marvel and enjoy life, before the hibernation of Winter. It is a great time to get outside and just breathe--to slow down. It is hard, but it is important. Even if it is just 2 minutes a day, we need to stop and marvel.
-ME-
The change in seasons always reminds me that I need to take time to make sure that with the frenetic pace of life in these United States I'm keeping up spiritually, physically, emotionally and all that.
Life is never easy---for the Christian or the non-Christian. I used to think that as Christians we should have it easier, but as the song "Through the Fire" (which we are singing in choir on Sunday) states "God did not promise that cross would not get heavy, that the hill will not be hard to climb. He never offers our victories without fighting..." but He goes through it WITH us. So yes, looking at it that way, we do have it easier, because we have God right beside us. We all go through crap, some of it is measly little, daily stuff, like watching the clock at work and wishing the hour hand would just move, or struggling with an out of order appliance.
There are also the harder things--death, rape, thievery, friends letting you down, worries about how to pay the bills, a broken car, a kid that is wayward, a spouse that is deployed and you are left at home to man the homefront and pray for a safe return, etc. No matter what the battles are, we have an amazing capability to overcome and be stronger for it.
We also have a built in sense of the amazing--be it the Autumn colors, the glory of crisp air, a major sports feat, watching an ocean sunset, or whatever it is, we are built to enjoy the marvelous, to be enraptured by so much. Autumn (such a prettier word than Fall) is a time to marvel and enjoy life, before the hibernation of Winter. It is a great time to get outside and just breathe--to slow down. It is hard, but it is important. Even if it is just 2 minutes a day, we need to stop and marvel.
-ME-
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
Forced Quit
Yesterday I went to see the doctor. I went because I've been tired, weak and achy for the past 10 days and I thought I just needed to adjust a few of my meds. and that would solve the problem. Well the doctor ran a few tests, stole some of my blood and then told me I have mono. Yep, I have mono. That dreaded bug that means I'm tired, weak and achy and even on meds I can expect the symptoms to last for a few weeks. Not the news I was expecting or praying for.
What it means is that my body is FORCING me to slow WAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYYYY down for awhile. I don't do well with slowing down. I have a lot of things I like to do and need to do each day.
It has only been about 30 hours and already I am going stir crazy, yet I am learning to appreciate sitting in my hammock and listening to the sounds of my new neighborhood. Every once in awhile I will relax for 10-15 minutes, but this bug requires that I spend the majority of my day relaxing; if not actually asleep.
Another downside of mono would be the drugs I'm on. They make me hungry, and I am getting a LOT less exercise, NOT A GOOD combo! Once I fight this thing I'll be back to my normal exercise routine, so I am trying not to fret.
As annoying as mono can be, and it is quite frustrating, I did spend more time in prayer and Bible study today than I usually have time for. I don't even know how long I spent praying for everyone I know in the military and their families. That is the positive aspect of this "forced quit" my body gave me.
I am forced to take the time that I should allocate anyway to commune with my dear, holy Lord. So I guess in the long run this is going to turn out to not be a crisis but a good thing. It slows me down and it means I'll miss some things, but anytime that I spend with my Lord is time well spent.
What it means is that my body is FORCING me to slow WAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYYYY down for awhile. I don't do well with slowing down. I have a lot of things I like to do and need to do each day.
It has only been about 30 hours and already I am going stir crazy, yet I am learning to appreciate sitting in my hammock and listening to the sounds of my new neighborhood. Every once in awhile I will relax for 10-15 minutes, but this bug requires that I spend the majority of my day relaxing; if not actually asleep.
Another downside of mono would be the drugs I'm on. They make me hungry, and I am getting a LOT less exercise, NOT A GOOD combo! Once I fight this thing I'll be back to my normal exercise routine, so I am trying not to fret.
As annoying as mono can be, and it is quite frustrating, I did spend more time in prayer and Bible study today than I usually have time for. I don't even know how long I spent praying for everyone I know in the military and their families. That is the positive aspect of this "forced quit" my body gave me.
I am forced to take the time that I should allocate anyway to commune with my dear, holy Lord. So I guess in the long run this is going to turn out to not be a crisis but a good thing. It slows me down and it means I'll miss some things, but anytime that I spend with my Lord is time well spent.
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
Questions
I can't believe that it is August already, much less 1/3 of the way over! Where does the time go? Some days seem long and the nights when I can't sleep, when I lie in my bed alone, I think the sun will NEVER rise. Yet, the weeks fly by and 2009 is well over half way gone! Time has a way of passing and I wonder if I'm being a good steward.
Am I serving the Lord and the people around me as much as I can? Am I making the most of these crazy weeks? What can I do to be a better blessing to my family, friends and everyone else the Lord puts in my path?
As I've been working on this book I'm writing and putting together my journal entries from college I see that I've been through a LOT. College for me was not the carefree time of learning and growing that it is for lots of students. I can't help but wonder, am I responding to my situation in the best light? Is there something else I should be doing?
I don't claim to have all the answers, and to know how to best respond to evil. That is not the point of my book. My book is about honesty. Here is what happened to me, here is how I handled it, now learn and hopefully do better. I do think I made some decent decisions in college. I never did drugs, that is one thing I can tell my kids someday.
Yet, how do I move on. Christ has forgiven me, but have I forgiven myself? Is that guilt and shame still keeping me from being totally committed to God's plan for my life?
These are the things that go through my mind as I can't sleep. Very few of them have been answered. A final question that I think about on the long, sleepless nights is: How I can be a better friend, daughter, sister, Christian tomorrow than I was today and how I can be a better steward of this fast paced life?
Because as much as I may wish that the weeks would slow I don't have that power, I just have to do my best to give 100% at 100% of the things I do each day. For I serve not myself and not my friends or my family but I serve my Lord. Everything I do should be an offering to Him.
Am I serving the Lord and the people around me as much as I can? Am I making the most of these crazy weeks? What can I do to be a better blessing to my family, friends and everyone else the Lord puts in my path?
As I've been working on this book I'm writing and putting together my journal entries from college I see that I've been through a LOT. College for me was not the carefree time of learning and growing that it is for lots of students. I can't help but wonder, am I responding to my situation in the best light? Is there something else I should be doing?
I don't claim to have all the answers, and to know how to best respond to evil. That is not the point of my book. My book is about honesty. Here is what happened to me, here is how I handled it, now learn and hopefully do better. I do think I made some decent decisions in college. I never did drugs, that is one thing I can tell my kids someday.
Yet, how do I move on. Christ has forgiven me, but have I forgiven myself? Is that guilt and shame still keeping me from being totally committed to God's plan for my life?
These are the things that go through my mind as I can't sleep. Very few of them have been answered. A final question that I think about on the long, sleepless nights is: How I can be a better friend, daughter, sister, Christian tomorrow than I was today and how I can be a better steward of this fast paced life?
Because as much as I may wish that the weeks would slow I don't have that power, I just have to do my best to give 100% at 100% of the things I do each day. For I serve not myself and not my friends or my family but I serve my Lord. Everything I do should be an offering to Him.
Sunday, July 26, 2009
Congrats!
I just arrived back at my parents' home from an afternoon and night of celebrating the wedding of one of my childhood friends. It was a gorgeous, outdoor ceremony and fun night of food, friends, wine and dancing. I thoroughly enjoyed myself.
One of the nice things about weddings is the chance to network. The bride has friends that I hadn't met before, and one of them is a milspouse. She and her marine husband are stationed in Hawaii for the next couple of years (rough assignment!). It was fun to visit with someone that understands the military lingo and 'gets' why a person would be so interested in helping with the military, even as a civilian.
When I talk about the fact that I'm a counselor and my focus is on military crisis counseling I get many different responses. Most people think it is a worthy choice, but don't seem to understand why I would want to spend my career focusing in that area. There are many reasons why it is my focus.
1. We (as a country) owe it to our military families to give them the best support system possible. We have a strong, amazing military, but it can be even stronger with the support of the country.
2. It is a pragmatic choice, as long as we have a military force in this country there will be a need for counseling. Learning to kill, and putting that knowledge into action carries a BIG toll on a person- we (mankind) is created FOR life, not to take it away.
3. I love my country and want to serve, defend and protect the freedoms I have, and ensure that my kids and grandkids will get to experience the amazing country that I call home.
4. I love the whole military family and see it as a mission field. Doing what I do now, and hope to do even more in the coming months, years, decades is how I think the Lord wants to use to increase the harvest. I understand the military and can use that for the Lord.
5. Those who serve us deserve more than the best, and while I'm NOT that, I want to do what the Lord will allow me to do to serve those that are risking their lives, giving up family time and freedoms, so that others can enjoy a smidgen of what America offers, as well as to protect American soil.
My top reasons why I chose to focus on working with the military. But, that is not everything I thought of today. As the maid of honor, best man, and father of the bride were giving their toasts this evening I thought of marriage and how valuable it is in this day and age.
More people are getting divorced these days than are staying married to their one and only. Divorce is big business in the 21st century. That is sad. It is no longer "till death do us part" but, "till I no longer FEEL in love." Love is a choice, it takes work, commitment and perseverance.
In Proverbs 31 we are told "a good wife, who can find? She is worth more than rubies." A good wife---this was spoken to a king. One would think that of all people a kind would NOT have a problem finding a wife. And he wouldn't. But a GOOD wife- an honorable, life long companion that is hard to find. And just as a good wife is hard for a man to find, so is it hard for women to find a good, life long husband.
I love my culture, but I will admit to getting sucked in many times. I am not the most moral, innocent Christians walking around America. I wish I could say that I'm sanctified, but the reality is that I'm a low down, Hell deserving sinner. I SCREW up all the time. I make decisions knowing that they are not the best way to reflect Christ, yet I make them anyway.
I am SO grateful that God loves me, and has more patience and forgiveness than I deserve, because I need it. I totally understand Paul and his wondering why he does the things he knows are wrong, and can't seem to do the right things. I am just like that, and I HATE it. I hate giving into my sin nature and the Devil.
Yet, even though I sometimes SUCK as a Christian, and model of Christ I still am striving for 2 things (right now).
1. To know, serve and love Christ more fully and live a more sanctified life each day.
2. To grow in my relationship with the Lord, and as a woman, so that I can be that GOOD wife that is described in Proverbs 31.
What are doing to serve the Lord and grow as a Christian? The first step is to accept Him as your Savior, to admit that HE is who the Bible claims He is, and that He is Lord of all. He is God whether you believe and accept it or not, so why not give your life to the One in Charge? The second step is to spend time in prayer, fellowship and the Bible.
Finally, I want to thank the bride for inviting me to her wedding, I'm blessed to have been there. Congrats you two, and my prayer is that you have a long, blessed and joy filled marriage, built on the strength of the Lord so that your relationship can blossom and grow, even in the midst of the storms of life.
-ME-
One of the nice things about weddings is the chance to network. The bride has friends that I hadn't met before, and one of them is a milspouse. She and her marine husband are stationed in Hawaii for the next couple of years (rough assignment!). It was fun to visit with someone that understands the military lingo and 'gets' why a person would be so interested in helping with the military, even as a civilian.
When I talk about the fact that I'm a counselor and my focus is on military crisis counseling I get many different responses. Most people think it is a worthy choice, but don't seem to understand why I would want to spend my career focusing in that area. There are many reasons why it is my focus.
1. We (as a country) owe it to our military families to give them the best support system possible. We have a strong, amazing military, but it can be even stronger with the support of the country.
2. It is a pragmatic choice, as long as we have a military force in this country there will be a need for counseling. Learning to kill, and putting that knowledge into action carries a BIG toll on a person- we (mankind) is created FOR life, not to take it away.
3. I love my country and want to serve, defend and protect the freedoms I have, and ensure that my kids and grandkids will get to experience the amazing country that I call home.
4. I love the whole military family and see it as a mission field. Doing what I do now, and hope to do even more in the coming months, years, decades is how I think the Lord wants to use to increase the harvest. I understand the military and can use that for the Lord.
5. Those who serve us deserve more than the best, and while I'm NOT that, I want to do what the Lord will allow me to do to serve those that are risking their lives, giving up family time and freedoms, so that others can enjoy a smidgen of what America offers, as well as to protect American soil.
My top reasons why I chose to focus on working with the military. But, that is not everything I thought of today. As the maid of honor, best man, and father of the bride were giving their toasts this evening I thought of marriage and how valuable it is in this day and age.
More people are getting divorced these days than are staying married to their one and only. Divorce is big business in the 21st century. That is sad. It is no longer "till death do us part" but, "till I no longer FEEL in love." Love is a choice, it takes work, commitment and perseverance.
In Proverbs 31 we are told "a good wife, who can find? She is worth more than rubies." A good wife---this was spoken to a king. One would think that of all people a kind would NOT have a problem finding a wife. And he wouldn't. But a GOOD wife- an honorable, life long companion that is hard to find. And just as a good wife is hard for a man to find, so is it hard for women to find a good, life long husband.
I love my culture, but I will admit to getting sucked in many times. I am not the most moral, innocent Christians walking around America. I wish I could say that I'm sanctified, but the reality is that I'm a low down, Hell deserving sinner. I SCREW up all the time. I make decisions knowing that they are not the best way to reflect Christ, yet I make them anyway.
I am SO grateful that God loves me, and has more patience and forgiveness than I deserve, because I need it. I totally understand Paul and his wondering why he does the things he knows are wrong, and can't seem to do the right things. I am just like that, and I HATE it. I hate giving into my sin nature and the Devil.
Yet, even though I sometimes SUCK as a Christian, and model of Christ I still am striving for 2 things (right now).
1. To know, serve and love Christ more fully and live a more sanctified life each day.
2. To grow in my relationship with the Lord, and as a woman, so that I can be that GOOD wife that is described in Proverbs 31.
What are doing to serve the Lord and grow as a Christian? The first step is to accept Him as your Savior, to admit that HE is who the Bible claims He is, and that He is Lord of all. He is God whether you believe and accept it or not, so why not give your life to the One in Charge? The second step is to spend time in prayer, fellowship and the Bible.
Finally, I want to thank the bride for inviting me to her wedding, I'm blessed to have been there. Congrats you two, and my prayer is that you have a long, blessed and joy filled marriage, built on the strength of the Lord so that your relationship can blossom and grow, even in the midst of the storms of life.
-ME-
Thursday, July 16, 2009
T-Minus 1 Paper....
So I leave at 0602 on Monday and before that I have 1 more paper to finish. I am writing a paper on the subject that is nearest and dearest to my heart- the 3 major stress disorders. So you would think that this paper would come easily to me, but alas the exact opposite is true and I think I have figured out why!
I am so passionate about the subject that trying to decide what NOT to say and to keep the paper from being longer than War and Peace is not easy. I am writing about Acute Stress, Combat Stress and Post Trauma Stress. Each of these subjects has many books devoted to it, so bringing all that down into 15 pages...not the easiest thing to do!
But once this paper is finished I can consider myself academically ready for my trip out West and I can start to relax and feel like I am going on vacation. I think finishing this project is just what I need to do to overcome all the stress I mentioned in my last post.
Another thing that is helping me get into the vacation mood- hearing my nephew playing in the background last night as I visited with my Dad (on the phone) and knowing that on TUESDAY I'll get to see him! That is in less than a week!!! I love my nephew and it has been since November and then was only a couple of days!
And yes, I am excited for the wedding. I do cherish my relationship with the bride. She may not be my "best" friend anymore, but she is still a cherished and important part of my life and I'm super excited for them and I know that they will have many wonderful years together if they remember to focus on the Lord and keep Him central in their relationship. I'm blessed to be able to celebrate her day with her.
Maybe I do wish that I could be going to the wedding with my BF or even husband, and God hasn't seen fit to bless me with that at this time, but HONESTLY that was not what was causing my confliction. For the first time in my life I'm learning to be content with my relationships. I'm working on becoming the woman the Lord wants me to be, and I'm enjoying all the relationships I have with my friends (male and female) and I'm trusting that the Lord knows the desires of my heart and I believe they are Christ honoring desires, so in due time things will happen.
It says in James that we are to ask the Lord for things expecting that they will happen. Why ask the Lord for something and then expect HIM to say no? It isn't worth wasting our breath. So, I've let HIM know my desires (quite often!) and now I just have to trust that it will happen. Till it does I need to work on growing spiritually, serving the Lord in all the ways I can at the moment and count the blessings I do have, and not worry about what I don't have.
One of those blessings is that I get to go on a week long vacation to see people that I love and visit a part of the country that I love. But first, I MUST FINISH THIS PAPER...
-ME-
I am so passionate about the subject that trying to decide what NOT to say and to keep the paper from being longer than War and Peace is not easy. I am writing about Acute Stress, Combat Stress and Post Trauma Stress. Each of these subjects has many books devoted to it, so bringing all that down into 15 pages...not the easiest thing to do!
But once this paper is finished I can consider myself academically ready for my trip out West and I can start to relax and feel like I am going on vacation. I think finishing this project is just what I need to do to overcome all the stress I mentioned in my last post.
Another thing that is helping me get into the vacation mood- hearing my nephew playing in the background last night as I visited with my Dad (on the phone) and knowing that on TUESDAY I'll get to see him! That is in less than a week!!! I love my nephew and it has been since November and then was only a couple of days!
And yes, I am excited for the wedding. I do cherish my relationship with the bride. She may not be my "best" friend anymore, but she is still a cherished and important part of my life and I'm super excited for them and I know that they will have many wonderful years together if they remember to focus on the Lord and keep Him central in their relationship. I'm blessed to be able to celebrate her day with her.
Maybe I do wish that I could be going to the wedding with my BF or even husband, and God hasn't seen fit to bless me with that at this time, but HONESTLY that was not what was causing my confliction. For the first time in my life I'm learning to be content with my relationships. I'm working on becoming the woman the Lord wants me to be, and I'm enjoying all the relationships I have with my friends (male and female) and I'm trusting that the Lord knows the desires of my heart and I believe they are Christ honoring desires, so in due time things will happen.
It says in James that we are to ask the Lord for things expecting that they will happen. Why ask the Lord for something and then expect HIM to say no? It isn't worth wasting our breath. So, I've let HIM know my desires (quite often!) and now I just have to trust that it will happen. Till it does I need to work on growing spiritually, serving the Lord in all the ways I can at the moment and count the blessings I do have, and not worry about what I don't have.
One of those blessings is that I get to go on a week long vacation to see people that I love and visit a part of the country that I love. But first, I MUST FINISH THIS PAPER...
-ME-
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
Conflicted Feelings
My hometown is in Wyoming and next week I'll be flying back to see my parents, grandma, nephew and attend a wedding.
The girl getting married is a woman that I've known her whole life, since I was 5 months old. I tend to call her best friend, but the reality is that she isn't. Maybe back when we were young we were closer, and we have ALWAYS been competitive with each other.
This is not to say that she isn't important to me, she is. I love her and hope that we are always friends, she is great: smart, funny, caring, loyal, a very good friend and I think she will make an awesome doctor.
As I think about it and think about friends in general I have a lot going through my mind, but that again is normal for me. One of the things I am thinking about is friendship. Who are my friends, and do I have a best friend?
I know and treasure a number of people, but do I really have a BEST friend? Is there someone that I tell EVERYTHING to, things that no one else knows?
That is hard for me, since I'm writing a book that is basically EVERYTHING that happened to me and that I felt in college. I don't have many skeletons in my closet. I don't believe in hiding things, that actually makes you more vulnerable. Yet, even so there are a few things that NO ONE knows, and I doubt anyone will, except maybe my husband. Even then...
Back to my original question, who is my best friend? As crazy as it may sound to some people the only person that I am TOTALLY honest with is Christ, so He would be my best friend.
Now, I do love all my friends and I don't know what I'd do without each of my friends, but as I think about things, do I even really want to say that I have a best friend, because wouldn't that be saying that some friendships are less valuable to me? The answer is that I would hate to do that, because I can't. I can't think of any of my friends (I will admit that some people I know are more acquaintances).
The other thing on my mind is the upcoming trip I mentioned earlier. I feel like I should be more excited about the trip. I'm going to see family, friends and go to the wedding. I get to go see the mountains I grew up loving, and people that I haven't seen in literally years. It is only a week (well 8 days) long.
Yet, the excitement I feel is manufactured. Yeah, it will be good to see people, but I'm not that excited to be leaving, because where I'm going is not home. This, my East Coast apt/town is home. I am happy here, and I know this is where I should be living.
The weird thing is that I grew up traveling and I LOVE to travel. I really do, so that is playing into the conflicted feelings I'm having. I'm going on a week long vacation to one of my favorite parts of the country to see people that I deeply care about. So, if I'm getting to do something that I LOVE with people that I LOVE, shouldn't I be more excited?
And what really am I leaving behind? My friends, church, choir, classes, cat, apartment, etc. will all be here when I return. It isn't like I'm going away for years, or even months. It is a WEEK by gum! So what is it that is causing me not to be excited to do something that normally has me all jazzed up?
Who knows, all I can tell you is that I'm trying, I'm really trying to get excited and start looking forward to my time away from home. Probably I'll get off the plane in MT and have a blast, so all this confliction is for naught. Maybe it is just hormones, I am female after all!
Conflicted feelings. As a counselor I realize that is just part of life, we all go through them. I just need to remind myself why I am going and get into the heart of the trip. Probably I'm just overwhelmed at everything I have to do before next week...
The girl getting married is a woman that I've known her whole life, since I was 5 months old. I tend to call her best friend, but the reality is that she isn't. Maybe back when we were young we were closer, and we have ALWAYS been competitive with each other.
This is not to say that she isn't important to me, she is. I love her and hope that we are always friends, she is great: smart, funny, caring, loyal, a very good friend and I think she will make an awesome doctor.
As I think about it and think about friends in general I have a lot going through my mind, but that again is normal for me. One of the things I am thinking about is friendship. Who are my friends, and do I have a best friend?
I know and treasure a number of people, but do I really have a BEST friend? Is there someone that I tell EVERYTHING to, things that no one else knows?
That is hard for me, since I'm writing a book that is basically EVERYTHING that happened to me and that I felt in college. I don't have many skeletons in my closet. I don't believe in hiding things, that actually makes you more vulnerable. Yet, even so there are a few things that NO ONE knows, and I doubt anyone will, except maybe my husband. Even then...
Back to my original question, who is my best friend? As crazy as it may sound to some people the only person that I am TOTALLY honest with is Christ, so He would be my best friend.
Now, I do love all my friends and I don't know what I'd do without each of my friends, but as I think about things, do I even really want to say that I have a best friend, because wouldn't that be saying that some friendships are less valuable to me? The answer is that I would hate to do that, because I can't. I can't think of any of my friends (I will admit that some people I know are more acquaintances).
The other thing on my mind is the upcoming trip I mentioned earlier. I feel like I should be more excited about the trip. I'm going to see family, friends and go to the wedding. I get to go see the mountains I grew up loving, and people that I haven't seen in literally years. It is only a week (well 8 days) long.
Yet, the excitement I feel is manufactured. Yeah, it will be good to see people, but I'm not that excited to be leaving, because where I'm going is not home. This, my East Coast apt/town is home. I am happy here, and I know this is where I should be living.
The weird thing is that I grew up traveling and I LOVE to travel. I really do, so that is playing into the conflicted feelings I'm having. I'm going on a week long vacation to one of my favorite parts of the country to see people that I deeply care about. So, if I'm getting to do something that I LOVE with people that I LOVE, shouldn't I be more excited?
And what really am I leaving behind? My friends, church, choir, classes, cat, apartment, etc. will all be here when I return. It isn't like I'm going away for years, or even months. It is a WEEK by gum! So what is it that is causing me not to be excited to do something that normally has me all jazzed up?
Who knows, all I can tell you is that I'm trying, I'm really trying to get excited and start looking forward to my time away from home. Probably I'll get off the plane in MT and have a blast, so all this confliction is for naught. Maybe it is just hormones, I am female after all!
Conflicted feelings. As a counselor I realize that is just part of life, we all go through them. I just need to remind myself why I am going and get into the heart of the trip. Probably I'm just overwhelmed at everything I have to do before next week...
Upon a Hammock
Right now I am a fantasizing about being able to sit in a hammock with a cold Long Island to nurse and my beloved cooking burgers on the grill! That just sounds like a fun summer evening to me!
That little dream is not likely to come true for awhile, so till then I am staying very busy and enjoying my summer and my friends! I am also spending a LOT of time working on my book and homework.
My goal for finishing my book is August 14, 2009. That is one month away! I am praying that I can do it! The thing about my book is that no matter how much I fuss with it, there is more fussing I want to do, something I think I should add here, something I should change there...it will never be perfect and yet I want it perfect. I want it to be perfect so that it reaches my target audience and God uses it to help women/girls/boys that are dealing with abuse. I have learned in the past years that secular therapists can help and life can seem to get back to normal but TRUE healing only comes from Christ and I want to help others see that even after we go through the darkest of the dark times we can come back to the light and sincerely ENJOY life and it can be even more joy filled than before, but we need Christ for that to happen.
So I keep playing with the book to try and make that point evident and real to others. I'm someone that has been there so I know. I also know that when it comes to dealing with healing it helps to hear from someone that not only understands the mental health aspect, but has been there.
But aside from my book I am busy getting ready to head West to my hometown. My best friend is getting married at the end of the month and I'm psyched for that. I also get to see my nephew, parents, grandma and bunches of friends! Trips are great, but as awesome as it is to go away, my favorite part is coming home again!
I love my hometown, it was a GREAT place to grow up. The people there are friendly and I always have a good time visiting and catching up, but it isn't home anymore. I was thinking about that not too long ago. It will always be my hometown, but it isn't home anymore.
The old cliche goes "Home is where the heart is" and as much as I enjoy visiting people in WY and I love them, it isn't where my heart is. My heart is here, with my neo-family and friends. When I talk about going home, it isn't to Sheridan.
Well those are just some thoughts I had today as I was wishing I could in a hammock! Enjoy your week and remember to always focus on the Lord!
-ME-
That little dream is not likely to come true for awhile, so till then I am staying very busy and enjoying my summer and my friends! I am also spending a LOT of time working on my book and homework.
My goal for finishing my book is August 14, 2009. That is one month away! I am praying that I can do it! The thing about my book is that no matter how much I fuss with it, there is more fussing I want to do, something I think I should add here, something I should change there...it will never be perfect and yet I want it perfect. I want it to be perfect so that it reaches my target audience and God uses it to help women/girls/boys that are dealing with abuse. I have learned in the past years that secular therapists can help and life can seem to get back to normal but TRUE healing only comes from Christ and I want to help others see that even after we go through the darkest of the dark times we can come back to the light and sincerely ENJOY life and it can be even more joy filled than before, but we need Christ for that to happen.
So I keep playing with the book to try and make that point evident and real to others. I'm someone that has been there so I know. I also know that when it comes to dealing with healing it helps to hear from someone that not only understands the mental health aspect, but has been there.
But aside from my book I am busy getting ready to head West to my hometown. My best friend is getting married at the end of the month and I'm psyched for that. I also get to see my nephew, parents, grandma and bunches of friends! Trips are great, but as awesome as it is to go away, my favorite part is coming home again!
I love my hometown, it was a GREAT place to grow up. The people there are friendly and I always have a good time visiting and catching up, but it isn't home anymore. I was thinking about that not too long ago. It will always be my hometown, but it isn't home anymore.
The old cliche goes "Home is where the heart is" and as much as I enjoy visiting people in WY and I love them, it isn't where my heart is. My heart is here, with my neo-family and friends. When I talk about going home, it isn't to Sheridan.
Well those are just some thoughts I had today as I was wishing I could in a hammock! Enjoy your week and remember to always focus on the Lord!
-ME-
Thursday, July 2, 2009
God Bless America
My 2nd favorite week of the year is upon me! I love Christmas because of snow and goodwill and the fact that I get to really focus on Christ coming to earth to make a way for you and me to go to Heaven. I also love Christmas music, it just makes my soul dance!
I love Independence Day for many reasons: the music is jiving, the fireworks are fun, cook-outs taste great, short work weeks. Most of all I love it because I get to exude all my patriotism and people don't look at me like I am quite so crazy! I just can't get over how much America means to me. I tear up when the colors are presented and I hear the Star Spangled Banner, or God Bless America. I really do.
America was an experiment, it was and is a challenge. America is far from perfect, and our past shows our myriad mistakes. Yet, America is also a dream land for most of the world. America is a place where people are free to learn, think, believe, act how we want (lawfully). People may ridicule me for things I say or do, but the government will not interfere (some may say that this is changing...).
I am free to choose ANY career, wear just about ANY outfit, use ANY language I want. If I were so inclined, I could sleep with a plethora of people, and the government would not do anything. For many women life is about being basically "owned" by first their father and then the husband that is forced upon them.
America is about volunteerism. We had a draft in the military for MANY years, but that was not the will of the people, so the draft was done away with, and now those that serve CHOOSE to serve with no governmental coersion. Many people also volunteer to do many things to help out their community. People do help out others. Maybe not as much as before, but it still happens.
Back to our military...it is the best trained, best equipped, top notch military in the world. Not only do our military men and women fight to protect our homeland, but we also fight to bring freedom to others. That is love.
For these reasons and OH SO MANY MORE I love America. While there are other countries that I'd enjoy living in for awhile, there is no other country that I would think of calling my home. I am so blessed to be an American.
May we all pause this week and thank God for the blessings HE has given us in this amazing country.
"Oh thus be it ever, when free men shall stand between their loved homes and the war's deloation. Blessed with vic'try and peace may this heaven rescued land praise the Power that hath made and preserved us a nation! And then conquer we must when our cause it is just. And this be our motto: in God is our trust. And the Star Spangled Banner in triumph shall wave O'er the land of the free and the home of the brave!" (Star Spangled Banner by F.S. Key vs 4)
-ME-
I love Independence Day for many reasons: the music is jiving, the fireworks are fun, cook-outs taste great, short work weeks. Most of all I love it because I get to exude all my patriotism and people don't look at me like I am quite so crazy! I just can't get over how much America means to me. I tear up when the colors are presented and I hear the Star Spangled Banner, or God Bless America. I really do.
America was an experiment, it was and is a challenge. America is far from perfect, and our past shows our myriad mistakes. Yet, America is also a dream land for most of the world. America is a place where people are free to learn, think, believe, act how we want (lawfully). People may ridicule me for things I say or do, but the government will not interfere (some may say that this is changing...).
I am free to choose ANY career, wear just about ANY outfit, use ANY language I want. If I were so inclined, I could sleep with a plethora of people, and the government would not do anything. For many women life is about being basically "owned" by first their father and then the husband that is forced upon them.
America is about volunteerism. We had a draft in the military for MANY years, but that was not the will of the people, so the draft was done away with, and now those that serve CHOOSE to serve with no governmental coersion. Many people also volunteer to do many things to help out their community. People do help out others. Maybe not as much as before, but it still happens.
Back to our military...it is the best trained, best equipped, top notch military in the world. Not only do our military men and women fight to protect our homeland, but we also fight to bring freedom to others. That is love.
For these reasons and OH SO MANY MORE I love America. While there are other countries that I'd enjoy living in for awhile, there is no other country that I would think of calling my home. I am so blessed to be an American.
May we all pause this week and thank God for the blessings HE has given us in this amazing country.
"Oh thus be it ever, when free men shall stand between their loved homes and the war's deloation. Blessed with vic'try and peace may this heaven rescued land praise the Power that hath made and preserved us a nation! And then conquer we must when our cause it is just. And this be our motto: in God is our trust. And the Star Spangled Banner in triumph shall wave O'er the land of the free and the home of the brave!" (Star Spangled Banner by F.S. Key vs 4)
-ME-
Monday, June 22, 2009
What is Family?
Many countries, including my own beloved USA, have become very mobile nations. Mobile in the sense that the biological family unit is separated. Children do not necessarily live in the same state, much less the same town as their parents. It used to be that in the same small town a newcomer could find generations of family members living together, or within a few minutes of each other. This is now the exception rather than the norm.
Today people go where the job dictates they go, or they go to a town/city that intrigues them. That is what I have done. I moved away from my hometown where my parents and Grandma live, to live all the way across the country in the state (commonwealth) that I prefer. Now, I do miss my hometown and like to talk about it, I'm proud of where I am from, but it is not where I want to live anymore. I think the Lord has me here for a reason and I am very glad because it is a great place.
People need connections. We are made to be part of a family. That is a God-given design. We are made to yearn for Him first and foremost and then to crave a family. Our biological relations used to fill that role, but now that people are not living with their family anymore that role has to be filled somehow.
More and more friends are filling the role of family. We still love our biological relations, but the people we are closest to and share daily life with are our friends. Friends become family. This was very evident on the NBC show "Friends". Monica, Chandler, Joey, Phoebe, Ross and Rachael were very much family to each other. Yeah, the biological parents and siblings had cameo appearances once in awhile, but if I define family and those people which you share daily life, fears, struggles, joys, etc. with, the 6 characters we very much family.
Friends are not the only people in this neo family unit. There are also pets. In a very real sense our pets are part of our family. We feed them, love them, take of them, play with them, talk to them. We share a lot of ourselves with our pets. It is common and normal to talk to your pets (at least I tell Queens that what I'm doing is normal!).
So, when a close friend (be it the two-legged or four-legged variety) dies or gets sick, there is just as much grief to deal with as when a biological family member goes through the same experience, because we are losing part of that new family that we have forged.
Family is complex. Our family is there for us when we celebrate and when we grieve. Our family members are the ones that know us best, but love us anyway. It is also our family that can hurt us the most, be with what the say, do (don't say and don't do) or when they die. Yet, it is also to our family (be it biological or neo) that we turn to for strength, comfort, wisdom, celebration, etc. Our family really is that group of people that we love best.
-Me-
Today people go where the job dictates they go, or they go to a town/city that intrigues them. That is what I have done. I moved away from my hometown where my parents and Grandma live, to live all the way across the country in the state (commonwealth) that I prefer. Now, I do miss my hometown and like to talk about it, I'm proud of where I am from, but it is not where I want to live anymore. I think the Lord has me here for a reason and I am very glad because it is a great place.
People need connections. We are made to be part of a family. That is a God-given design. We are made to yearn for Him first and foremost and then to crave a family. Our biological relations used to fill that role, but now that people are not living with their family anymore that role has to be filled somehow.
More and more friends are filling the role of family. We still love our biological relations, but the people we are closest to and share daily life with are our friends. Friends become family. This was very evident on the NBC show "Friends". Monica, Chandler, Joey, Phoebe, Ross and Rachael were very much family to each other. Yeah, the biological parents and siblings had cameo appearances once in awhile, but if I define family and those people which you share daily life, fears, struggles, joys, etc. with, the 6 characters we very much family.
Friends are not the only people in this neo family unit. There are also pets. In a very real sense our pets are part of our family. We feed them, love them, take of them, play with them, talk to them. We share a lot of ourselves with our pets. It is common and normal to talk to your pets (at least I tell Queens that what I'm doing is normal!).
So, when a close friend (be it the two-legged or four-legged variety) dies or gets sick, there is just as much grief to deal with as when a biological family member goes through the same experience, because we are losing part of that new family that we have forged.
Family is complex. Our family is there for us when we celebrate and when we grieve. Our family members are the ones that know us best, but love us anyway. It is also our family that can hurt us the most, be with what the say, do (don't say and don't do) or when they die. Yet, it is also to our family (be it biological or neo) that we turn to for strength, comfort, wisdom, celebration, etc. Our family really is that group of people that we love best.
-Me-
Thursday, June 11, 2009
My 200th Post!
So, guess what!?! I survived moving, thanks to all my WONDERFUL friends! I love my new place and I envision many wonderful memories within and outside of the walls. Queens seems to be enjoying the new place as well. And she got a brand new, fancy litter box to go with the new digs. How spoiled is she!?!
Being in a new house and the excitement I have to make it my home reminds me somewhat of Christianity and how we should be always working on keeping that joy alive. I have been a Christian for so long (since I was 5) that there are times when I have to almost force myself to feel the joy and excitement of the newness of my faith. It is evident on the faces of people as they give their life over to Christ, and it should be evident in those of us that have been HIS for decades. Yet, in the day to day living we sometimes get so busy that we lose that joy, it becomes just part of us. Just like in a few weeks my apartment will be lived in and the newness of moving will have worn off. The newness and the joy of Christ should never wear off.
That could be why my great Uncle changed the words in Amazing Grace. The last verse goes (in part) "When we've been there ten thousand years bright shining as the sun..." Uncle Dewey would sing "When we've been there ten TRILLION years bright shining as the sun, we've no less days to sing God's praise than when we first begun." And he was right. We will be with the Lord for ETERNITY if we accept Him, so these few years on earth, even the most mature Christian is just a babe in the faith, compared to how we will be in Heaven. How exciting is that!?! I get to worship Christ for literally EVER!
AMEN!!!
-ME-
Being in a new house and the excitement I have to make it my home reminds me somewhat of Christianity and how we should be always working on keeping that joy alive. I have been a Christian for so long (since I was 5) that there are times when I have to almost force myself to feel the joy and excitement of the newness of my faith. It is evident on the faces of people as they give their life over to Christ, and it should be evident in those of us that have been HIS for decades. Yet, in the day to day living we sometimes get so busy that we lose that joy, it becomes just part of us. Just like in a few weeks my apartment will be lived in and the newness of moving will have worn off. The newness and the joy of Christ should never wear off.
That could be why my great Uncle changed the words in Amazing Grace. The last verse goes (in part) "When we've been there ten thousand years bright shining as the sun..." Uncle Dewey would sing "When we've been there ten TRILLION years bright shining as the sun, we've no less days to sing God's praise than when we first begun." And he was right. We will be with the Lord for ETERNITY if we accept Him, so these few years on earth, even the most mature Christian is just a babe in the faith, compared to how we will be in Heaven. How exciting is that!?! I get to worship Christ for literally EVER!
AMEN!!!
-ME-
Wednesday, June 3, 2009
Am I Really Moving on Saturday???
You wouldn't know it if you looked at the condition of my townhouse, but on Saturday I'm moving out to the 'burbs, to a nicer and cheaper apartment. I currently reside in a 2 bedroom 1.5 bath townhouse and I'm moving to a 2 bedroom 1 bath apartment, but it feels more spacious and it has MORE closet space! I'm especially excited about the coat closet!
In order to move I have to pack up all the stuff in my current casa, and I have not been able to motivate myself to do that. I'm excited about the move, and I'm looking forward to the new place and all that God will do with me there. I just can't seem to get myself to pack up the current house. I know that it has to be done, but I just can't seem to do it, and I don't know why that is.
I'm normally a neat freak and a bit OCD about how my house is organized and how clean it is, and I know that un-packing will be easier if I'm well packed, and moving will be faster and less painful for all my friends if I'm organized on this end. I can think of a PLETHORA of reasons why I should spend the time to pack in a systematic way...I just don't care enough I guess to actually follow through and do it, and that is abnormal for me.
It is true that I've had a lot on my mind and things with friends, family and personally have kept me busy, but still you'd think that as excited as I am I'd already be all packed, not just starting!
I want my new place to look nice and to be a welcoming place where my friends enjoy gathering and feel comfortable just stopping by and relaxing, playing a game, having cook-outs, prayer sessions, movies or whatever the case my be. I already have the first cook-out planned for the 13th!
But none of that can happen if I don't first do what is necessary in this step, so I'm off to go pack...REALLY I AM...YEP...GOING NOW...(you might want to call and make sure I'm actually packing...)!
-ME-
In order to move I have to pack up all the stuff in my current casa, and I have not been able to motivate myself to do that. I'm excited about the move, and I'm looking forward to the new place and all that God will do with me there. I just can't seem to get myself to pack up the current house. I know that it has to be done, but I just can't seem to do it, and I don't know why that is.
I'm normally a neat freak and a bit OCD about how my house is organized and how clean it is, and I know that un-packing will be easier if I'm well packed, and moving will be faster and less painful for all my friends if I'm organized on this end. I can think of a PLETHORA of reasons why I should spend the time to pack in a systematic way...I just don't care enough I guess to actually follow through and do it, and that is abnormal for me.
It is true that I've had a lot on my mind and things with friends, family and personally have kept me busy, but still you'd think that as excited as I am I'd already be all packed, not just starting!
I want my new place to look nice and to be a welcoming place where my friends enjoy gathering and feel comfortable just stopping by and relaxing, playing a game, having cook-outs, prayer sessions, movies or whatever the case my be. I already have the first cook-out planned for the 13th!
But none of that can happen if I don't first do what is necessary in this step, so I'm off to go pack...REALLY I AM...YEP...GOING NOW...(you might want to call and make sure I'm actually packing...)!
-ME-
Sunday, May 31, 2009
Guys...What the Heck???
So, as a single woman in 2009 I must say that sometimes the men in my life...well the single men in the world just need to "man up" and get over their commitment phobia crapola!
What is up with the Christian men anyway? There are so many of us women that would love to be married and have a family, but the men in our lives are scared or something. And the more I study the Bible and pray and seek God's will for that aspect of my life; the more I see that the Bible says things like "a noble wife who can find?" FIND the way it is used in the OT and NT is an ACTION word. God is not just going to hit men and women on the forehead with a 2x4 and say "this is the one." The guys need to do the pursuing, the searching and seeking.
Meanwhile, we women don't just stay home whiling away the time. We have to be going about our lives, serving the Lord and being totally committed to Him and His will. We need to work on becoming like the Proverbs 31 woman, but with a modern adaptation. God does not expect us to spin our own wool or anything, but HE does expect us to be good stewards of everything HE has given us.
We women need to be busy becoming women of God and finding what the Lord's will is for our lives and then going out and working to fulfill that purpose. As we women do this, maybe it will give the guys time to figure their stuff out. This single girl can only hope and pray!
-ME-
What is up with the Christian men anyway? There are so many of us women that would love to be married and have a family, but the men in our lives are scared or something. And the more I study the Bible and pray and seek God's will for that aspect of my life; the more I see that the Bible says things like "a noble wife who can find?" FIND the way it is used in the OT and NT is an ACTION word. God is not just going to hit men and women on the forehead with a 2x4 and say "this is the one." The guys need to do the pursuing, the searching and seeking.
Meanwhile, we women don't just stay home whiling away the time. We have to be going about our lives, serving the Lord and being totally committed to Him and His will. We need to work on becoming like the Proverbs 31 woman, but with a modern adaptation. God does not expect us to spin our own wool or anything, but HE does expect us to be good stewards of everything HE has given us.
We women need to be busy becoming women of God and finding what the Lord's will is for our lives and then going out and working to fulfill that purpose. As we women do this, maybe it will give the guys time to figure their stuff out. This single girl can only hope and pray!
-ME-
Friday, May 29, 2009
Moving!
It seems like it was just a couple of months ago that I was loading up the U-haul to move across the country. It has been 2 years! So much has happened since July of 2007. The biggest change being that I earned my Master's degree! So much work in such a short period of time and now so many more doors are open to me, I just have to figure out the best one to walk through.
Before I do that I have one more major hurdle to cross...I have to pack up my belongings and move to a new apartment. My townhouse hasn't been terrible, but I found a place that I like a lot better, will be much happier in and costs LESS per month in rent! God is awesome!!! But, in order to gain that peace of mind I have a lot of work to do to get into my new place.
I'm very excited about my new place and I'll try to get a few pictures up next week. It is 2 bedrooms and 1 bath, so I'm losing the extra half bath, but I'm gaining more closet space! I'd rather have a coat closet to an extra bathroom to keep clean! It has an eat-in kitchen and a nice sized living room.
I'm downsizing some furniture, and I think the plans I have in my head will make this place a welcoming home for myself, my cat and all my friends. I hope that my friends feel comfortable and welcome in the new place, because I love to be the hostess!
So that is what is going on in my life right now...I've been procrastinating on packing up, because I hate to pack, but zero hour is coming and I have to get it done.
As I pack up my belongings and go through them and decide what mementos from my life I want to keep, I wish y'all a very blessed weekend. Find time to look over your homes and take a few minutes to peruse the memories you have as you enjoy your belongings. Life goes so quickly that we need to take time once in awhile to enjoy the Auld Lang Syne.
-ME-
Before I do that I have one more major hurdle to cross...I have to pack up my belongings and move to a new apartment. My townhouse hasn't been terrible, but I found a place that I like a lot better, will be much happier in and costs LESS per month in rent! God is awesome!!! But, in order to gain that peace of mind I have a lot of work to do to get into my new place.
I'm very excited about my new place and I'll try to get a few pictures up next week. It is 2 bedrooms and 1 bath, so I'm losing the extra half bath, but I'm gaining more closet space! I'd rather have a coat closet to an extra bathroom to keep clean! It has an eat-in kitchen and a nice sized living room.
I'm downsizing some furniture, and I think the plans I have in my head will make this place a welcoming home for myself, my cat and all my friends. I hope that my friends feel comfortable and welcome in the new place, because I love to be the hostess!
So that is what is going on in my life right now...I've been procrastinating on packing up, because I hate to pack, but zero hour is coming and I have to get it done.
As I pack up my belongings and go through them and decide what mementos from my life I want to keep, I wish y'all a very blessed weekend. Find time to look over your homes and take a few minutes to peruse the memories you have as you enjoy your belongings. Life goes so quickly that we need to take time once in awhile to enjoy the Auld Lang Syne.
-ME-
Sunday, May 24, 2009
Memorial Day- non commercialized
America is the land of opportunity. We come up with holidays to honor a group of people that deserve to be honored, and within very little time that holiday becomes a mecca of commercialism. Memorial Day is no different. Most people are growing up thinking that Memorial Day is a day to see mattresses and have cook-outs. And it is, but it is SO MUCH MORE than that!
Memorial Day is a day to honor those in our military (past and present) that have paid the ultimate price for us to continue to enjoy all our freedoms. It is a day to say "Thank You" to the military members we know or see, and their whole family and circle of close friends.
These days service in the military is completely voluntary, they even take an oath stating that they were not coerced into joining. Knowing that, and knowing the climate that we are in-America is once again involved in a bloody and deadly conflict that is supported by the majority of the nation-it is amazing and humbling that so many people are willing to risk it all, for an ideal.
America can be (and has been) described as post-Christian, but it is still an ideal. The idea of America and the dream of being here and living in this blessed nation is something that thousands and thousands of people risk their lives to achieve. Yes, a lot of them come here illegally, and that is not good. But they are coming here because it is AMERICA. Those 7 letters encapsulate so much, that I know I take for granted.
I take for granted that when I go to the grocery store there will be healthy food on the shelves and I'll be able to afford it. I take for granted that my tap water is clean, and that I have 2 toilets to use in my townhouse. I take for granted the heat in the winter and a/c in the summer. And being able to go the doctor, or look up medical questions online. Not to mention the religious freedom we have and the safety.
We have gun problems, and violence is an issue (I should know!), but my house isn't under the threat of bombings everyday, and people don't target me because I go to church, or even that I am all for female pastors! I'm liberated in many ways and I do take it for granted sometimes.
Yet, in my doctoral studies (yep I can say that now, I've started them!!!) I am learning just how high the cost of my freedoms are, and the battle field deaths are just the beginning. There is CSD (combat stress disorder aka CSR combat stress reaction) and what I call HSR (homefront stress reaction). HSR is not in the DSM, but it happens, being in the rear while a loved one is down range or off on extended training is stressful and takes it toll. Of course there are the injuries as well. The list could go on and on.
All of this to say that we owe the military our sincere gratitude for their willingness to answer Uncle Sam's call. And don't just focus on those in uniform, but also those that serve with them: spouse, child, parent, sibling, friend.
Happy Memorial Day, thank you to the military family and may God continue to see fit to bless the USA!!!
In Christ,
ME
Memorial Day is a day to honor those in our military (past and present) that have paid the ultimate price for us to continue to enjoy all our freedoms. It is a day to say "Thank You" to the military members we know or see, and their whole family and circle of close friends.
These days service in the military is completely voluntary, they even take an oath stating that they were not coerced into joining. Knowing that, and knowing the climate that we are in-America is once again involved in a bloody and deadly conflict that is supported by the majority of the nation-it is amazing and humbling that so many people are willing to risk it all, for an ideal.
America can be (and has been) described as post-Christian, but it is still an ideal. The idea of America and the dream of being here and living in this blessed nation is something that thousands and thousands of people risk their lives to achieve. Yes, a lot of them come here illegally, and that is not good. But they are coming here because it is AMERICA. Those 7 letters encapsulate so much, that I know I take for granted.
I take for granted that when I go to the grocery store there will be healthy food on the shelves and I'll be able to afford it. I take for granted that my tap water is clean, and that I have 2 toilets to use in my townhouse. I take for granted the heat in the winter and a/c in the summer. And being able to go the doctor, or look up medical questions online. Not to mention the religious freedom we have and the safety.
We have gun problems, and violence is an issue (I should know!), but my house isn't under the threat of bombings everyday, and people don't target me because I go to church, or even that I am all for female pastors! I'm liberated in many ways and I do take it for granted sometimes.
Yet, in my doctoral studies (yep I can say that now, I've started them!!!) I am learning just how high the cost of my freedoms are, and the battle field deaths are just the beginning. There is CSD (combat stress disorder aka CSR combat stress reaction) and what I call HSR (homefront stress reaction). HSR is not in the DSM, but it happens, being in the rear while a loved one is down range or off on extended training is stressful and takes it toll. Of course there are the injuries as well. The list could go on and on.
All of this to say that we owe the military our sincere gratitude for their willingness to answer Uncle Sam's call. And don't just focus on those in uniform, but also those that serve with them: spouse, child, parent, sibling, friend.
Happy Memorial Day, thank you to the military family and may God continue to see fit to bless the USA!!!
In Christ,
ME
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
Life Choices...What to Do???
So here I am at a juncture in life. I just graduated and earned my Master's degree. I'm planning on working toward my PhD, my yearning for that degree probably won't change, but I do wonder about a couple of things.
1. Do I want to still be a full time student?
2. Wouldn't it be good to get some experience in my field?
3. It would be nice to have a bit more flexibility in my budget.
I love school and I'll probably be a life long learner, it is how I love the Lord with all my heart. Yet, I also have this passion to work with military families and with women that have been abused. I know that the education represented by a PhD will help me in that endeavor, but yet I do have a degree NOW---and I'd like to get out there.
I'm praying about job opportunities here in L-burg so I can get out there, make some $$$ and hopefully help others. Yet, I also think about everything I DON'T know yet, do I know enough to be a help to my clients? Is it arrogant to think that I do? What do I want to do this summer and fall as regards to a job. I will stay in classes, the question is do I work and take 2 class/semester or do I take 4 classes/semester and stay where I am.
Please pray for me and feel offer any advice you may have. THANKS!!!
-ME-
1. Do I want to still be a full time student?
2. Wouldn't it be good to get some experience in my field?
3. It would be nice to have a bit more flexibility in my budget.
I love school and I'll probably be a life long learner, it is how I love the Lord with all my heart. Yet, I also have this passion to work with military families and with women that have been abused. I know that the education represented by a PhD will help me in that endeavor, but yet I do have a degree NOW---and I'd like to get out there.
I'm praying about job opportunities here in L-burg so I can get out there, make some $$$ and hopefully help others. Yet, I also think about everything I DON'T know yet, do I know enough to be a help to my clients? Is it arrogant to think that I do? What do I want to do this summer and fall as regards to a job. I will stay in classes, the question is do I work and take 2 class/semester or do I take 4 classes/semester and stay where I am.
Please pray for me and feel offer any advice you may have. THANKS!!!
-ME-
Thursday, May 14, 2009
Commencement
Congrats to me! I've officially graduated from Liberty Baptist Theological Seminary with an M.A. in Pastoral Counseling. I am one step closer to my ultimate goal of my doctorate in PACO with the focus on military counseling! How exciting is this??? I'm tired, but excited to begin the next step of the journey.
Yet I also wonder, am I really ready for this? Am I capable of doing everything that needs to be done to fulfill the requirements of a PhD? I'm not talking about the academics, because when I put my mind to it I can read and write. It is the emotional toll that I'm more worried about. I'm focusing on a subject that hits very close to home- PTSD. Have I dealt with my personal demons enough to be a source of help to others? As a counselor I can't be battling my pain and my past as I'm trying to help others in the same fight.
I feel like this is the path that God wants me to take. Yes, I probably would have made a great elementary teacher, and that is what a lot of my friends and family thought I should do, and it is what my undergrad degree is in. Life takes many turns, and none of them surprise God. His overall plan still remains in tact, and I feel like God wants me to use the evil that I have experienced to help others, and I yearn to do the Lord's will.
I also yearn to be a good, caring friend to all those that I meet. Sometimes I'm good at this, and sometimes I'm not. I'd like to blame it on the fact that I don't sleep much, but that is just an excuse and I hate excuses. So, this summer I'm making it a goal to be a better friend, sister, daughter. I need to be the kind of friend that I look for in other people.
Also this summer I'll be working on classes. There is no time like the present to begin the next part of my academic journey and get this party started! The sooner I start the sooner I can finish and be out there, hopefully spreading the love of Christ as I help people overcome the trauma they have experienced.
I'm living proof that while life does not go back to the way it was pre-trauma, it can still be great. I have my problems, but I also have a source of joy that wasn't there before and wouldn't be there if it wasn't for what I experienced. As I have often said- the pain teaches us to relish and cherish the good times. I also know that My Redeemer lives and that He loves me and is always there for me, but I have to be willing to take His hand. He doesn't force anything on us, he offers and we have to accept.
So while I do worry and continue to work on things with a counselor, I am convinced that I'm on the path the Lord has for me, and that in His time I'll be ready and equipped.
In Christ,
Paige
Yet I also wonder, am I really ready for this? Am I capable of doing everything that needs to be done to fulfill the requirements of a PhD? I'm not talking about the academics, because when I put my mind to it I can read and write. It is the emotional toll that I'm more worried about. I'm focusing on a subject that hits very close to home- PTSD. Have I dealt with my personal demons enough to be a source of help to others? As a counselor I can't be battling my pain and my past as I'm trying to help others in the same fight.
I feel like this is the path that God wants me to take. Yes, I probably would have made a great elementary teacher, and that is what a lot of my friends and family thought I should do, and it is what my undergrad degree is in. Life takes many turns, and none of them surprise God. His overall plan still remains in tact, and I feel like God wants me to use the evil that I have experienced to help others, and I yearn to do the Lord's will.
I also yearn to be a good, caring friend to all those that I meet. Sometimes I'm good at this, and sometimes I'm not. I'd like to blame it on the fact that I don't sleep much, but that is just an excuse and I hate excuses. So, this summer I'm making it a goal to be a better friend, sister, daughter. I need to be the kind of friend that I look for in other people.
Also this summer I'll be working on classes. There is no time like the present to begin the next part of my academic journey and get this party started! The sooner I start the sooner I can finish and be out there, hopefully spreading the love of Christ as I help people overcome the trauma they have experienced.
I'm living proof that while life does not go back to the way it was pre-trauma, it can still be great. I have my problems, but I also have a source of joy that wasn't there before and wouldn't be there if it wasn't for what I experienced. As I have often said- the pain teaches us to relish and cherish the good times. I also know that My Redeemer lives and that He loves me and is always there for me, but I have to be willing to take His hand. He doesn't force anything on us, he offers and we have to accept.
So while I do worry and continue to work on things with a counselor, I am convinced that I'm on the path the Lord has for me, and that in His time I'll be ready and equipped.
In Christ,
Paige
Sunday, May 3, 2009
And Down the Stretch I Come...
Dear One and All,
Today is Sunday May 3, 2009 and in just 6 little days (that is 142 hours as of right now, give or take a few minutes) I will be walking across the TRBC stage to receive my [fake-real one will be mailed out in July] Master's level diploma! That's right folks...pretty soon I'll be a bonafide smart person...and well on my way to my PhD!!! How amazing is that?
As I reflect upon all that has gone in my life, I have to say that I am bit proud of myself. I've overcome a lot of hurdles to earn each diploma that I have, which is way I display them at home. Those framed pieces of paper reflect more than just a bunch of papers I wrote, books I read, and facts I've memorized. They reflect so many years of life, with the accompanying joys and trials that come with life.
It is rainy and gloomy today, and normally that affects my mood, but not today. Today I'm exhausted and stressed because I have 2 finals on Tuesday, but mostly I'm excited and full of joy. There is so much going on this week and it all looks to be good stuff. On Thursday I'm going out to lunch and bowling with a bunch of my friends.
Which brings to another thought---it has taken awhile, but I have a great group of friends here and I don't know what I'd do without each of them. They are all such interesting people and serve a distinct role in my life. I may not have a large group of friends, but I have some great ones and that is what is really important to me. So I'm giving a shout out to all of my VA friends!
After bowling on Thursday I'm going to the seminary banquet. I get to get all dressed and go out to eat and then we are going roller-skating afterward. Should be a marvelous evening. And as icing on the cake, my family arrives on Thursday.
Friday begins the pomp and circumstance of graduation. Saturday is the actual day of the 2 ceremonies, and Sunday is Mother's day and I am blessed to have my Mom, Aunt and Grandma here for the day!!! That probably won't happen again.
So many blessings to focus on this week. I've needed this for awhile now, and I'm planning on soaking up all the joy that I can this week and remembering that it is only due to the Lord's provision, love, mercy and grace that I have so many wonderful things going on right now.
THANK YOU LORD!!!
Paige
Today is Sunday May 3, 2009 and in just 6 little days (that is 142 hours as of right now, give or take a few minutes) I will be walking across the TRBC stage to receive my [fake-real one will be mailed out in July] Master's level diploma! That's right folks...pretty soon I'll be a bonafide smart person...and well on my way to my PhD!!! How amazing is that?
As I reflect upon all that has gone in my life, I have to say that I am bit proud of myself. I've overcome a lot of hurdles to earn each diploma that I have, which is way I display them at home. Those framed pieces of paper reflect more than just a bunch of papers I wrote, books I read, and facts I've memorized. They reflect so many years of life, with the accompanying joys and trials that come with life.
It is rainy and gloomy today, and normally that affects my mood, but not today. Today I'm exhausted and stressed because I have 2 finals on Tuesday, but mostly I'm excited and full of joy. There is so much going on this week and it all looks to be good stuff. On Thursday I'm going out to lunch and bowling with a bunch of my friends.
Which brings to another thought---it has taken awhile, but I have a great group of friends here and I don't know what I'd do without each of them. They are all such interesting people and serve a distinct role in my life. I may not have a large group of friends, but I have some great ones and that is what is really important to me. So I'm giving a shout out to all of my VA friends!
After bowling on Thursday I'm going to the seminary banquet. I get to get all dressed and go out to eat and then we are going roller-skating afterward. Should be a marvelous evening. And as icing on the cake, my family arrives on Thursday.
Friday begins the pomp and circumstance of graduation. Saturday is the actual day of the 2 ceremonies, and Sunday is Mother's day and I am blessed to have my Mom, Aunt and Grandma here for the day!!! That probably won't happen again.
So many blessings to focus on this week. I've needed this for awhile now, and I'm planning on soaking up all the joy that I can this week and remembering that it is only due to the Lord's provision, love, mercy and grace that I have so many wonderful things going on right now.
THANK YOU LORD!!!
Paige
Wednesday, April 29, 2009
So Close...
So here I am it is April 29 and I graduate on May 9. I am sitting in the law school library because it is a quieter, nicer place for study and work than the main campus library. I thought that being surrounded by a bunch of studious, wannabe (said in a respectful way---I'm a wannabe counselor) lawyers would motivate me to be studious and get this paper written.
It isn't even like I'm writing about something foreign...my topic is PTSD in children. I'm WELL versed in PTSD and I understand child development, so 20 pages should not be that hard to come up with, right???
Apparently today is just not a good day for academic pursuits for this grad student! I am having the hardest time on this paper and I do not know why!!! I LOVE to write and I am passionate (obviously if you are a faithful reader) about PTSD and helping children. So, this should be no problem. And it isn't like I have a bunch of better options for spending my evening...most of my friends are students, so we are all in the same boat this week and next!
I'm so close to being finished with my M.A.P.C (Master of Arts in Pastoral Counseling). Just this one paper and 2 finals to go...so close...It is funny to me that I am having this many problems. I LOVE school. I'm very nerd-like. Studying, reading textbooks, doing research...all that is...FUN for me (yeah I know...but y'all love me anyway! So what does that say about you???). I find joy in the learning. So, this paper should be a breeze. But NO...it is fighting being written...the paper is putting up a battle, it does not want to be written!
Have no fear readers, for I with the aid of the Lord, will prevail! I WILL write this paper! It WILL be an A quality paper, and it WILL happen this week (it is due Sunday at 11:59pm est)!!! I can do it!
I'm SO CLOSE to the finish...I will not let the end of semester fatigue win! (I have motivating theme music going through my head...think Chariots of Fire or Aretha Franklin or something motivating!).
I have to finish because I have my graduation gown, my robe, cap and hood hanging in my closet. I did not survive an afternoon at the mall for nothing! I'm going to finish so that I can wear my new dress and look all pretty (and maybe a bit sexy, nothing wrong with that in my book, as long as it isn't over the top to trampy)next Saturday.
So, till then I must remember my motivating theme music and write this darn paper!!!
In Christ,
Paige
It isn't even like I'm writing about something foreign...my topic is PTSD in children. I'm WELL versed in PTSD and I understand child development, so 20 pages should not be that hard to come up with, right???
Apparently today is just not a good day for academic pursuits for this grad student! I am having the hardest time on this paper and I do not know why!!! I LOVE to write and I am passionate (obviously if you are a faithful reader) about PTSD and helping children. So, this should be no problem. And it isn't like I have a bunch of better options for spending my evening...most of my friends are students, so we are all in the same boat this week and next!
I'm so close to being finished with my M.A.P.C (Master of Arts in Pastoral Counseling). Just this one paper and 2 finals to go...so close...It is funny to me that I am having this many problems. I LOVE school. I'm very nerd-like. Studying, reading textbooks, doing research...all that is...FUN for me (yeah I know...but y'all love me anyway! So what does that say about you???). I find joy in the learning. So, this paper should be a breeze. But NO...it is fighting being written...the paper is putting up a battle, it does not want to be written!
Have no fear readers, for I with the aid of the Lord, will prevail! I WILL write this paper! It WILL be an A quality paper, and it WILL happen this week (it is due Sunday at 11:59pm est)!!! I can do it!
I'm SO CLOSE to the finish...I will not let the end of semester fatigue win! (I have motivating theme music going through my head...think Chariots of Fire or Aretha Franklin or something motivating!).
I have to finish because I have my graduation gown, my robe, cap and hood hanging in my closet. I did not survive an afternoon at the mall for nothing! I'm going to finish so that I can wear my new dress and look all pretty (and maybe a bit sexy, nothing wrong with that in my book, as long as it isn't over the top to trampy)next Saturday.
So, till then I must remember my motivating theme music and write this darn paper!!!
In Christ,
Paige
Thursday, April 23, 2009
Focusing on the Light
I had a therapy session this morning, which was a very needed thing if you've kept up with my blog. I'm still praying about whether or not I should go on Abilify for awhile, but for now I'm not. But we will see.
Anyway, after my session (or really during it) I realized a few things and one of them is that I need to focus more on the light, or good things in this life. God has blessed me with so much. As my counselor was saying I have been through a lot, and I've seen and experienced first hand more than my fair share of the dark side of life and the evil of this world. I know that life can really be yucky.
And yes, I haven't really grieved for Em or now for Mike and Tiffany, but I need to let myself when I am ready to grieve. I haven't yet because I'm not yet ready to grieve, and the grief will come in its own time. I need to know worry so much on that and focus on the light.
By focusing on the light I mean the lighter side of life, the good things. As much yuckiness as I've experienced I've also experienced so many good things too. I was there the night my nephew was born and that is pretty cool, I graduated from college with a pretty high GPA, I had a job that I was quite good at for 2 years. I've participated in and attended multiple weddings for friends, and now I'm about to graduate from seminary with a Master's degree in counseling and go on for a PhD in pastoral counseling. That is quite a lot of GOOD stuff (even factoring out what I had to overcome to make it this far)! I need to focus on those, and on the daily blessings in my life as well.
One of the daily blessings that I know I sometimes take for granted are my friends. I'm surrounded by a myriad of wonderful people here in VA. I have people that are here and that care for me, and that I can come to when life has me down, but are also my friends and just FUN to be with all the time. I'd list them, but I don't want to leave anyone out.
I also have a cat that I love and that keeps the house from being lonely. I have the opportunity to study and get educated to fulfill my calling, and VA is just a beautiful state. As much as I love the mountains of Wyoming, and I do, I've fallen in love with VA and I am so blessed to be, surrounded by natural beauty.
I could go on and on listing the good things. I need to focus on them and focus on the Giver of all those good things. The grief will come when I'm ready, and I should not try to force it. So for now I'm going to focus on Christ and revel in the blessings that He showers me with each and every day, for even in the midst of the darkness there is joy and blessing.
-Paige-
Anyway, after my session (or really during it) I realized a few things and one of them is that I need to focus more on the light, or good things in this life. God has blessed me with so much. As my counselor was saying I have been through a lot, and I've seen and experienced first hand more than my fair share of the dark side of life and the evil of this world. I know that life can really be yucky.
And yes, I haven't really grieved for Em or now for Mike and Tiffany, but I need to let myself when I am ready to grieve. I haven't yet because I'm not yet ready to grieve, and the grief will come in its own time. I need to know worry so much on that and focus on the light.
By focusing on the light I mean the lighter side of life, the good things. As much yuckiness as I've experienced I've also experienced so many good things too. I was there the night my nephew was born and that is pretty cool, I graduated from college with a pretty high GPA, I had a job that I was quite good at for 2 years. I've participated in and attended multiple weddings for friends, and now I'm about to graduate from seminary with a Master's degree in counseling and go on for a PhD in pastoral counseling. That is quite a lot of GOOD stuff (even factoring out what I had to overcome to make it this far)! I need to focus on those, and on the daily blessings in my life as well.
One of the daily blessings that I know I sometimes take for granted are my friends. I'm surrounded by a myriad of wonderful people here in VA. I have people that are here and that care for me, and that I can come to when life has me down, but are also my friends and just FUN to be with all the time. I'd list them, but I don't want to leave anyone out.
I also have a cat that I love and that keeps the house from being lonely. I have the opportunity to study and get educated to fulfill my calling, and VA is just a beautiful state. As much as I love the mountains of Wyoming, and I do, I've fallen in love with VA and I am so blessed to be, surrounded by natural beauty.
I could go on and on listing the good things. I need to focus on them and focus on the Giver of all those good things. The grief will come when I'm ready, and I should not try to force it. So for now I'm going to focus on Christ and revel in the blessings that He showers me with each and every day, for even in the midst of the darkness there is joy and blessing.
-Paige-
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
Blogging Therapy
Do you ever feel like you are drowning in psychological turmoil? Do you ever feel like life is giving you more than you can bear. I don't care what the Bible says, there are just times when it seems like I just can't go on. There are moments when I'm so overwhelmed that it would be so magnificently great for the Rapture to happen. There are times when I'm just ready to go HOME and I don't mean to my apartment, or even to my parents' house, I mean HOME--HEAVEN.
This is one of those times. Well, ever since my rape it has been one of those times. Life is just HARD. I try to be cheerful and not unload too much on my friends, because I don't want to be one of THOSE people, that is super needy and always going through S**T, but it seems like life is just like that sometimes. This is also one of those times where I have to fight my fears and my doubts, where I have to fight the naggling insinuations that sneak in and say, "Does Jesus really love you? If HE did, do you really think HE would make you deal with this?"
Where do you go and what do you do when life is like that, when you are literally drowning and Christ's outstretched arm still seems out of reach? What do you do when you try and try and just can't seem to grasp onto Christ? I know that Jesus is there and that He loves me. I know that God has a plan for my life, and that what Satan means for evil, God can use for good. I know that if I give my cares to Christ He will lighten my load. I KNOW all of that. I can quote the verses as well as ANYONE. BUT...right now that just doesn't seem to be working.
Right now I just want the pain to be gone...I want to feel joy again, I want to be able to REALLY enjoy life, and it seems like every time I start to, Satan and his minions come back. There are times when I just get so TIRED fighting him. There are times when I want to cling to Christ and I know that if I could reach just a little farther, I'd feel HIS comfort and I'd find my relief...but it seems just out of reach.
I wish I had happier stuff to blog about...but that isn't my life right now. Right now I'm just trying to make sense of everything.
I guess when life is like this I just have stretch even farther, because Jesus is never out of reach, we just sometimes have to work harder to get through the evil and reach Him. So I'm going to give that a try, I'm going to just work harder and I'm going to cling to the promises HE gives me in His love letter.
28 Do you not know?
Have you not heard?
The LORD is the everlasting God,
the Creator of the ends of the earth.
He will not grow tired or weary,
and his understanding no one can fathom.
29 He gives strength to the weary
and increases the power of the weak.
30 Even youths grow tired and weary,
and young men stumble and fall;
31 but those who hope in the LORD
will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary,
they will walk and not be faint. (Is. 40: 28-31 NIV)
28And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. 29For those God foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the likeness of his Son, that he might be the firstborn among many brothers. 30And those he predestined, he also called; those he called, he also justified; those he justified, he also glorified.
31What, then, shall we say in response to this? If God is for us, who can be against us? 32He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all—how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things?
33Who will bring any charge against those whom God has chosen? It is God who justifies. 34Who is he that condemns? Christ Jesus, who died—more than that, who was raised to life—is at the right hand of God and is also interceding for us. 35Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword? (Romans 8:31-35 NIV)
1 There is a time for everything,
and a season for every activity under heaven:
2 a time to be born and a time to die,
a time to plant and a time to uproot,
3 a time to kill and a time to heal,
a time to tear down and a time to build,
4 a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance,
5 a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
a time to embrace and a time to refrain,
6 a time to search and a time to give up,
a time to keep and a time to throw away,
7 a time to tear and a time to mend,
a time to be silent and a time to speak,
8 a time to love and a time to hate,
a time for war and a time for peace. (Ecc. 3:1-8)
4He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away."
5He who was seated on the throne said, "I am making everything new!" (Rev. 21:4-5a)
What I need to remember as I go through this period and deal with all that is coming my way is that Christ is not surprised, and Christ has not moved. He is right here with me, and when I hurt so does He. He is wanting to take my pain, I just have to be willing to give it to Him and let Him keep it. There is also a glorious hope that awaits all Christians and that is eternity in the new Heaven, and on the new Earth. I can rest assured that no matter how horrible this life seems, I just have to persevere because it only gets better. This Earth is as close as I'll get to Hell. Heaven awaits and it worth whatever we have to go through. We each just have to remain faithful. If our name is in the Lamb's Book of Life than our fate is secured and this life is just about staying the course, clinging to our Savior and helping as many others as possible get their names in that book.
It amazes me how therapeutic it is just to express my feelings and then read the Scripture (and listen to worship music). Just by being honest with myself I feel so much better, and I know that it is not as bleak as it can seem when I just keep things bottled up. By sharing what is going on, we can grow and move on. The issues are still here. I still have to work through them, but the tunnel is shorter, so the light is brighter. Talking doesn't always fix everything, as a counselor I understand that better than many people. But it is a step, and this life is about taking it one step at a time while we focus on the light of Christ.
Do you have anything you need to sound off about? It will help, I promise!
-Paige-
This is one of those times. Well, ever since my rape it has been one of those times. Life is just HARD. I try to be cheerful and not unload too much on my friends, because I don't want to be one of THOSE people, that is super needy and always going through S**T, but it seems like life is just like that sometimes. This is also one of those times where I have to fight my fears and my doubts, where I have to fight the naggling insinuations that sneak in and say, "Does Jesus really love you? If HE did, do you really think HE would make you deal with this?"
Where do you go and what do you do when life is like that, when you are literally drowning and Christ's outstretched arm still seems out of reach? What do you do when you try and try and just can't seem to grasp onto Christ? I know that Jesus is there and that He loves me. I know that God has a plan for my life, and that what Satan means for evil, God can use for good. I know that if I give my cares to Christ He will lighten my load. I KNOW all of that. I can quote the verses as well as ANYONE. BUT...right now that just doesn't seem to be working.
Right now I just want the pain to be gone...I want to feel joy again, I want to be able to REALLY enjoy life, and it seems like every time I start to, Satan and his minions come back. There are times when I just get so TIRED fighting him. There are times when I want to cling to Christ and I know that if I could reach just a little farther, I'd feel HIS comfort and I'd find my relief...but it seems just out of reach.
I wish I had happier stuff to blog about...but that isn't my life right now. Right now I'm just trying to make sense of everything.
I guess when life is like this I just have stretch even farther, because Jesus is never out of reach, we just sometimes have to work harder to get through the evil and reach Him. So I'm going to give that a try, I'm going to just work harder and I'm going to cling to the promises HE gives me in His love letter.
28 Do you not know?
Have you not heard?
The LORD is the everlasting God,
the Creator of the ends of the earth.
He will not grow tired or weary,
and his understanding no one can fathom.
29 He gives strength to the weary
and increases the power of the weak.
30 Even youths grow tired and weary,
and young men stumble and fall;
31 but those who hope in the LORD
will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary,
they will walk and not be faint. (Is. 40: 28-31 NIV)
28And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. 29For those God foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the likeness of his Son, that he might be the firstborn among many brothers. 30And those he predestined, he also called; those he called, he also justified; those he justified, he also glorified.
31What, then, shall we say in response to this? If God is for us, who can be against us? 32He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all—how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things?
33Who will bring any charge against those whom God has chosen? It is God who justifies. 34Who is he that condemns? Christ Jesus, who died—more than that, who was raised to life—is at the right hand of God and is also interceding for us. 35Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword? (Romans 8:31-35 NIV)
1 There is a time for everything,
and a season for every activity under heaven:
2 a time to be born and a time to die,
a time to plant and a time to uproot,
3 a time to kill and a time to heal,
a time to tear down and a time to build,
4 a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance,
5 a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
a time to embrace and a time to refrain,
6 a time to search and a time to give up,
a time to keep and a time to throw away,
7 a time to tear and a time to mend,
a time to be silent and a time to speak,
8 a time to love and a time to hate,
a time for war and a time for peace. (Ecc. 3:1-8)
4He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away."
5He who was seated on the throne said, "I am making everything new!" (Rev. 21:4-5a)
What I need to remember as I go through this period and deal with all that is coming my way is that Christ is not surprised, and Christ has not moved. He is right here with me, and when I hurt so does He. He is wanting to take my pain, I just have to be willing to give it to Him and let Him keep it. There is also a glorious hope that awaits all Christians and that is eternity in the new Heaven, and on the new Earth. I can rest assured that no matter how horrible this life seems, I just have to persevere because it only gets better. This Earth is as close as I'll get to Hell. Heaven awaits and it worth whatever we have to go through. We each just have to remain faithful. If our name is in the Lamb's Book of Life than our fate is secured and this life is just about staying the course, clinging to our Savior and helping as many others as possible get their names in that book.
It amazes me how therapeutic it is just to express my feelings and then read the Scripture (and listen to worship music). Just by being honest with myself I feel so much better, and I know that it is not as bleak as it can seem when I just keep things bottled up. By sharing what is going on, we can grow and move on. The issues are still here. I still have to work through them, but the tunnel is shorter, so the light is brighter. Talking doesn't always fix everything, as a counselor I understand that better than many people. But it is a step, and this life is about taking it one step at a time while we focus on the light of Christ.
Do you have anything you need to sound off about? It will help, I promise!
-Paige-
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
It Seems I'm Always Saying Good-bye
Once again I'm having to say good-bye to a friend and watch as he is buried, this time in Arlington National Cemetery. No matter how honored he would be to know that he is buried among thousands of our nation's heroes, I can't help but wish that he didn't have to be. I'd much rather the IED had not detonated.
I know that death is a part of life. Only 1 person escaped death, and Enoch was VERY special. Even God died...when HE took on human flesh and came down in the form of Jesus to reconcile us to Himself. So, if God had to come and die, I don't expect that my friends and family will experience anything less. Unless we are raptured! Now how cool would that be? I pray for the rapture--Come Lord, come quickly!
As normal as death is, it is not easy. No matter that I know that he is in Heaven and that someday I'll join him and millions of other saints and JESUS in Heaven, I still can't help but grieve for the friendship that has been severed. It is not lost, we will reunite someday, but it is severed for now. And that is just tragic.
His death leaves a hole, a void that opens up with every death of every friend and family member. It is up to those of us living to figure out how to navigate with that void. Through time we get better at it, and the void becomes less noticeable, but for now it is front and center.
As I was driving home this afternoon I prayed to God that I could go just 1 year without having to bury someone that is special to me, but I doubt that He will grant that prayer. Because I've been called by HIM to work with the military, and we are in a time of war. I'm going to lose people I care about, because I can't just work and put my emotions completely to the side. I love people, I want to do all that I can to help them. It isn't an easy life, to pour yourself into people that may not be there in a day, that may not make it home alive. It hurts, but my heart knows no other way but to love everyone. So I risk the pain in hopes to lessen it for others.
I'm going into my calling with both eyes open. I know it will be difficult, I know that I won't be able to "save" everyone, that as a counselor I'll give people advice and they won't listen, and then they will come to me to fix their new problems. I know that it isn't an easy task and it is a humbling one, to be called and trusted to help people fix what is going on inside.
So as much as it seems that I'm always saying that final good-bye, and as hard as it is, I love it. I love seeing people happier. As much as I wish I could go a year without having a friend die, I'm a better me for having known each of them, and I feel blessed for the seasons that they were each in my life.
Death is a part of life, and it is a part of my job. I know that the likelihood of accidents, war casualties, suicides and that sort happening to the people that I'm called to work with, is high. I also know that it is overshadowed by all the good that I hope God will do through me. I can't wait to see God working in the military, and I'm excited and humbled that HE seems to be allowing me to take a small part.
-Paige-
I know that death is a part of life. Only 1 person escaped death, and Enoch was VERY special. Even God died...when HE took on human flesh and came down in the form of Jesus to reconcile us to Himself. So, if God had to come and die, I don't expect that my friends and family will experience anything less. Unless we are raptured! Now how cool would that be? I pray for the rapture--Come Lord, come quickly!
As normal as death is, it is not easy. No matter that I know that he is in Heaven and that someday I'll join him and millions of other saints and JESUS in Heaven, I still can't help but grieve for the friendship that has been severed. It is not lost, we will reunite someday, but it is severed for now. And that is just tragic.
His death leaves a hole, a void that opens up with every death of every friend and family member. It is up to those of us living to figure out how to navigate with that void. Through time we get better at it, and the void becomes less noticeable, but for now it is front and center.
As I was driving home this afternoon I prayed to God that I could go just 1 year without having to bury someone that is special to me, but I doubt that He will grant that prayer. Because I've been called by HIM to work with the military, and we are in a time of war. I'm going to lose people I care about, because I can't just work and put my emotions completely to the side. I love people, I want to do all that I can to help them. It isn't an easy life, to pour yourself into people that may not be there in a day, that may not make it home alive. It hurts, but my heart knows no other way but to love everyone. So I risk the pain in hopes to lessen it for others.
I'm going into my calling with both eyes open. I know it will be difficult, I know that I won't be able to "save" everyone, that as a counselor I'll give people advice and they won't listen, and then they will come to me to fix their new problems. I know that it isn't an easy task and it is a humbling one, to be called and trusted to help people fix what is going on inside.
So as much as it seems that I'm always saying that final good-bye, and as hard as it is, I love it. I love seeing people happier. As much as I wish I could go a year without having a friend die, I'm a better me for having known each of them, and I feel blessed for the seasons that they were each in my life.
Death is a part of life, and it is a part of my job. I know that the likelihood of accidents, war casualties, suicides and that sort happening to the people that I'm called to work with, is high. I also know that it is overshadowed by all the good that I hope God will do through me. I can't wait to see God working in the military, and I'm excited and humbled that HE seems to be allowing me to take a small part.
-Paige-
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
God Bless the USA
As many of you know I have a heart for the US military. I have always been a patriotic person, I tear up when I hear the Star Spangled Banner and I get up and put my hand over my heart (even when watching a DVD at home). I am so very thankful to be an American, and to live in a country where hundreds of thousands of men and women voluntarily give up their rights and freedoms to protect mine and to protect the ideals and spread the ideals around the world.
Having a lot of friends in the military is not always an easy thing. Military life is tough. It is tough for the military person and for those that love them and that live the lifestyle with them (spouses and kids). Right now our military members are under attack by the evil one (Satan). The suicide rate is sky-rocketing and that is just one of the myriad of reasons that I'm pursuing my PhD.
I'll graduate on May 9 with my M.A. in Pastoral Counseling and I plan to start right on working toward my PhD in Pastoral Counseling with a focus on military crisis intervention. I'm really excited that God is opening these doors for me, because I whole heartedly believe that our military members need and have earned the right to better psychological care. It is also my way of reaching to a people group that needs the Lord.
So as I work toward my degrees and I learn even more about the military and I hang out with my military friends I have to say that they are an inspiring group, and they have taught me so much about service, duty, dedication and love. For all that they do for us, each day I just want to say THANKS and GOD BLESS THE USA!!!!
The economy is taking the majority of time on the news, but let us not forget the sacrifices that are being quietly made by our military family each and every day.
-Paige-
Having a lot of friends in the military is not always an easy thing. Military life is tough. It is tough for the military person and for those that love them and that live the lifestyle with them (spouses and kids). Right now our military members are under attack by the evil one (Satan). The suicide rate is sky-rocketing and that is just one of the myriad of reasons that I'm pursuing my PhD.
I'll graduate on May 9 with my M.A. in Pastoral Counseling and I plan to start right on working toward my PhD in Pastoral Counseling with a focus on military crisis intervention. I'm really excited that God is opening these doors for me, because I whole heartedly believe that our military members need and have earned the right to better psychological care. It is also my way of reaching to a people group that needs the Lord.
So as I work toward my degrees and I learn even more about the military and I hang out with my military friends I have to say that they are an inspiring group, and they have taught me so much about service, duty, dedication and love. For all that they do for us, each day I just want to say THANKS and GOD BLESS THE USA!!!!
The economy is taking the majority of time on the news, but let us not forget the sacrifices that are being quietly made by our military family each and every day.
-Paige-
Let Us Approach the Throne...
God has given us so much. The most important of which is His love. God love's us and it is due to His love that we are still here (think about the account of Noah, God almost wiped humanity off the face of the earth). Not only are we still here, but God came to earth, lived a perfect life, died and rose again so that we can call on Him and reserve a spot in Heaven. How marvelous! How wonderful!
Not only does God save us from Hell, but He lets us, nay He encourages and WANTS us to come to Him in prayer-about anything and everything! The GOD of the universe cares about us and everything that we care about! How humbling is that???
Not even our parents or spouse cares about us with half as much love and interest as the Lord. The Lord cares about the number of hairs on our head. When we are glad and celebratory, HE is right there celebrating with us. When we are confused and nervous HE is right there whispering encouragement and answers. When we hurt and are grieving, HE is right there to wipe our tears and put joy in our hearts.
This week has already been a special week for me, and it is only Tuesday morning (0755 est)! Sunday was great, Huckabee did a great sermon on the Prodigal's Son, the baptism and the music were a balm to my soul, something I needed. Yeah, I had a panic attack and it affected my driving Sunday night (and once again, UGH--I'm sorry C & M). But then last night was great.
I couldn't sleep last night. I just couldn't get comfortable and I didn't feel great (upset stomach). I watched Fireproof and enjoyed it (Kirk Cameron is great!). I tried to sleep, but at 0415 est this morning I knew that I wasn't going to get any sleep. So in the wee hours of the morning I got out of my cozy bed and went down the hall to my t.v. room. I lit a couple of candles and turned on my worship play list on iTunes and I knelt by my pew (yep I have a church pew! Kinda cool and it is from the church I grew up in). For 2 hours I just prayed, worshiped, read and prayed Scripture, confessed and just poured all my thoughts out to the Lord.
And even though I've had NO sleep and I'm on Zyrtec, I have more energy than I've had in awhile. It was a special two hours for me, and a great way to start a Tuesday. I don't have all the answers, and I know that there are still things I have to deal with, but I'm refreshed and it feels great. As I reflect upon my prayer time I'm humbled to think that I, in my sin and as a normal, ordinary woman can talk to GOD about everything, and HE HEARS ME! HE also hears everyone else at well.
GOD is so amazing and so wonderful! It is probably why 2 of my favorite songs are:
Lifting hands in song and dance
Humbled by the glory of the cross
We've been redeemed and reconciled
Caught up in the splendor of it all
Eternal life You gave
So we will bring song of praise
How wonderful
How lovely is Your name
You captivate our hearts
You save us by Your grace
God of mercy, God of love
How we marvel at Your majesty
As we kneel before Your holy throne
In the beauty of Your mystery
We are children of the King
Father, of Your love we sing
And You are
Closer than a brother, Jesus
Closer than a brother, Jesus
Oh, the name of Jesus
Oh, the name of Jesus
Oh, the name of Jesus
(How Wonderful by Leeland)
*******************
I stand amazed in the presence
Of Jesus the Nazarene,
And wonder how He could love me,
A sinner, condemned, unclean.
Chorus:
O how marvelous! O how wonderful!
And my song shall ever be:
O how marvelous! O how wonderful!
Is my Savior's love for me!
He took my sins and my sorrows,
He made them His very own;
He bore the burden to Calvary,
And suffered and died alone.
When with the ransomed in glory
His face I at last shall see,
’Twill be my joy through the ages
To sing of His love for me.
(I Stand Amazed/How Marvelous: Chris Tomlin)
-Paige-
Not only does God save us from Hell, but He lets us, nay He encourages and WANTS us to come to Him in prayer-about anything and everything! The GOD of the universe cares about us and everything that we care about! How humbling is that???
Not even our parents or spouse cares about us with half as much love and interest as the Lord. The Lord cares about the number of hairs on our head. When we are glad and celebratory, HE is right there celebrating with us. When we are confused and nervous HE is right there whispering encouragement and answers. When we hurt and are grieving, HE is right there to wipe our tears and put joy in our hearts.
This week has already been a special week for me, and it is only Tuesday morning (0755 est)! Sunday was great, Huckabee did a great sermon on the Prodigal's Son, the baptism and the music were a balm to my soul, something I needed. Yeah, I had a panic attack and it affected my driving Sunday night (and once again, UGH--I'm sorry C & M). But then last night was great.
I couldn't sleep last night. I just couldn't get comfortable and I didn't feel great (upset stomach). I watched Fireproof and enjoyed it (Kirk Cameron is great!). I tried to sleep, but at 0415 est this morning I knew that I wasn't going to get any sleep. So in the wee hours of the morning I got out of my cozy bed and went down the hall to my t.v. room. I lit a couple of candles and turned on my worship play list on iTunes and I knelt by my pew (yep I have a church pew! Kinda cool and it is from the church I grew up in). For 2 hours I just prayed, worshiped, read and prayed Scripture, confessed and just poured all my thoughts out to the Lord.
And even though I've had NO sleep and I'm on Zyrtec, I have more energy than I've had in awhile. It was a special two hours for me, and a great way to start a Tuesday. I don't have all the answers, and I know that there are still things I have to deal with, but I'm refreshed and it feels great. As I reflect upon my prayer time I'm humbled to think that I, in my sin and as a normal, ordinary woman can talk to GOD about everything, and HE HEARS ME! HE also hears everyone else at well.
GOD is so amazing and so wonderful! It is probably why 2 of my favorite songs are:
Lifting hands in song and dance
Humbled by the glory of the cross
We've been redeemed and reconciled
Caught up in the splendor of it all
Eternal life You gave
So we will bring song of praise
How wonderful
How lovely is Your name
You captivate our hearts
You save us by Your grace
God of mercy, God of love
How we marvel at Your majesty
As we kneel before Your holy throne
In the beauty of Your mystery
We are children of the King
Father, of Your love we sing
And You are
Closer than a brother, Jesus
Closer than a brother, Jesus
Oh, the name of Jesus
Oh, the name of Jesus
Oh, the name of Jesus
(How Wonderful by Leeland)
*******************
I stand amazed in the presence
Of Jesus the Nazarene,
And wonder how He could love me,
A sinner, condemned, unclean.
Chorus:
O how marvelous! O how wonderful!
And my song shall ever be:
O how marvelous! O how wonderful!
Is my Savior's love for me!
He took my sins and my sorrows,
He made them His very own;
He bore the burden to Calvary,
And suffered and died alone.
When with the ransomed in glory
His face I at last shall see,
’Twill be my joy through the ages
To sing of His love for me.
(I Stand Amazed/How Marvelous: Chris Tomlin)
-Paige-
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