The long, cold, waiting days of Winter are almost over. There is hope in the air. The days are starting to warm up, and the clouds are all grumbly outside my library window. I love the change of seasons, whatever may be ending and starting. Yet, the advent of Spring holds a special place in my heart.
As much as I love the snows of winter, and Christmas, there is just something about Spring that brings hope, renewal and promise. It is exciting to watch the grass go from brown to alive and green again. I love watching the trees get dressed in their leaves and spread out. I also love how it takes longer for night to come each day.
Each Winter I know that God is protecting us and that the dormancy of Winter is just His way of saying "Wait my child. Trust me through this and soon you will see beauty again." It is God's way to teaching us patience, something I can always use more of!
God always fulfills His promises. Unlike my husband, my parents, or my best friend. God is ALWAYS going to do what He says, and He is never going to let me down. Transversely I can never let Him down. Yes, I'll screw up and sin. But I can never do anything that will make Him love me less, or make Him look at me differently. He always sees me through Christ's blood. To God I am always His beloved child.
That makes me want to be better. It makes me want to make this Spring the best yet. Not for me, but for God. Because God knows how good I can be, God knows my potential. As He gives me rain storms, green grass and budding plants this Spring, I want to give Him my all. I want to give Him my obedience, my love and my surrender.
Spring is also the time to celebrate Christ's death and resurrection. It is the time when the whole of Christian society reflects on just how amazing and sacrifical His gift was. There is no better time than this Spring to give my all to Him, to the one that gave me Heaven and gives me joy each day.
Oh how I love Jesus! I just love Him and the promise that I see written in the gloomy clouds today. Promises, promises, God keeps His promises!
-JP-
Sunday, February 27, 2011
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
Complete in Christ
Natalie was a beautiful black and gold cat. The white socks on her feet just completed the look. Natalie knew that her Creator had given her a special gift when He made her so beautiful. The exceptional thing about Natalie was that she was not conceited at all about her looks, she was the most down to earth, genuinely nice cats in the world.
Natalie had friends, and she was very thankful for all her friends. She was really close to a group of 5 other cats: Princess, Fifi, Lombardi, Sweetie and Vince. The 6 cats had been friends for as long as they could remember. They all lived in the same apartment building.
Natalie had a good life. She lived with a wonderful old lady named Betty. Betty took care of her. Natalie had the expensive, organic food, a litter box that cleaned itself, and she had a couch in the library (spare bedroom that was turned into a library) where she could curl up in the afternoon sun and snooze.
Natalie knew that she should be happy, but yet she wasn't really content. She had a longing for something more. She loved her 5 friends and Betty, but she still had a part of her heart that was lonely. She wanted a full time companion. She wanted a husband and a family of her own.
Natalie figured that if she just got a husband she would be happier and she wouldn't be lonely at night. Natalie began to prowl, she hit all the hot spots where the neighborhood cats would hang out. There were a few that she liked, but none that made her heart go pitter patter.
One day Princess and Natalie were talking and Natalie confided in Princess. Princess told her about this book she had read. It was called the Bible. According to the Bible they were all created by God.
The Creator had a name! Natalie knew that this wasn't Princess' point, but it made her happy. Natalie loved that she could put a name to her creator and that name was God. Natalie wanted to know more about God so she asked Princess more questions. Finally Princess advised that Natalie look and see if Betty had a Bible.
Natalie looked on all the shelves and finally found it, a dusty, hardly worn book, but it was there the Holy Bible. Natalie was very excited. She took the book down and started to read.
The first story she read was about creation and how God created everything in just 6 days. At first Natalie didn't want to believe that it was that easy, but something in her heart told her to trust the book. Natalie read and read.
She read stories about the Jews and how often they disobeyed God, even after He'd rescue them time and time again. She read about Ruth, the brave woman who loved her mother in law and was loyal even after their husbands died. Natalie read about the wise king Solomon and how when He was given the chance for anything he chose wisdom. Natalie read about prophets telling the people about the Messiah, this man that would come and save them.
Throughout the stories Natalie saw that there were couples, marriage was an idea that God created in the beginning with Adam and Eve. Even more than ever Natalie wanted a husband. She read in Proverbs 31 about what it meant to be an amazing wife. She wanted that chance.
Natalie grew lonelier and lonelier. She took a break from the Bible for awhile and began to prowl. One day she met Titus. Titus was new to the apartment. He and his human, Larry had just moved from the country. Titus was very friendly and very smart. He and Natalie got along very well.
One day Titus came by and saw Natalie reading. He also saw the Bible on the coffee table. He asked her about it and Natalie said that she was reading it to learn about God, their creator. Titus mentioned that before he and Larry moved into the apartment Larry was a pastor at a church in the country. Titus explained what Pastors did.
Natalie was very intrigued. She mentioned that Princess had told her to read it after Natalie confided in her about wanting a husband to fill the lonely void in her heart. Titus agreed that Princess was wise to have her read the book, he told her the Bible would change her life. Titus asked if she had read the whole thing yet.
Natalie told him no, after reading the first 60 books in the Bible she felt even lonelier reading about all the couples in the Bible and not having a special someone of her own. Titus then told her to start reading in Matthew. He explained that the books Matthew, Mark, Luke and John were called the Gospels and that in those she would find many answers.
That night Natalie read Matthew and she read about Jesus. Jesus was God in human form. He came down to earth to save everyone from sin and to make a way from them to go to Heaven. No longer would a blood sacrifice be required. Jesus not only offered salvation, but He offered to come live within each person and complete them. Natalie read on, she read the other Gospels as well, and even though she was tired she read on. She read to the end.
Finally Natalie figured it out. She didn't NEED a husband, she needed Christ. Jesus wanted to come in and make her complete. Jesus was the answer to the void in her heart. Having a husband and a family wasn't a bad thing, it was a good thing. But her identity and her completeness came from God and acknowledging Him.
Natalie was so excited. At the first chance she ran to talk to Titus. He was lounging in the sun, but as soon as Natalie told him her epiphany he was excited for her. Titus led her in prayer and after that Natalie began to fill the void in her heart go away. The more she read the Bible and talked to God the smaller the void got. Natalie learned that in Christ and in having a relationship with Him she was becoming what her creator had created her to become.
Natalie was no longer the same cat. She was even more beautiful because she was cleaned from the inside and she reflected the joy and completeness of Christ.
-JP-
Natalie had friends, and she was very thankful for all her friends. She was really close to a group of 5 other cats: Princess, Fifi, Lombardi, Sweetie and Vince. The 6 cats had been friends for as long as they could remember. They all lived in the same apartment building.
Natalie had a good life. She lived with a wonderful old lady named Betty. Betty took care of her. Natalie had the expensive, organic food, a litter box that cleaned itself, and she had a couch in the library (spare bedroom that was turned into a library) where she could curl up in the afternoon sun and snooze.
Natalie knew that she should be happy, but yet she wasn't really content. She had a longing for something more. She loved her 5 friends and Betty, but she still had a part of her heart that was lonely. She wanted a full time companion. She wanted a husband and a family of her own.
Natalie figured that if she just got a husband she would be happier and she wouldn't be lonely at night. Natalie began to prowl, she hit all the hot spots where the neighborhood cats would hang out. There were a few that she liked, but none that made her heart go pitter patter.
One day Princess and Natalie were talking and Natalie confided in Princess. Princess told her about this book she had read. It was called the Bible. According to the Bible they were all created by God.
The Creator had a name! Natalie knew that this wasn't Princess' point, but it made her happy. Natalie loved that she could put a name to her creator and that name was God. Natalie wanted to know more about God so she asked Princess more questions. Finally Princess advised that Natalie look and see if Betty had a Bible.
Natalie looked on all the shelves and finally found it, a dusty, hardly worn book, but it was there the Holy Bible. Natalie was very excited. She took the book down and started to read.
The first story she read was about creation and how God created everything in just 6 days. At first Natalie didn't want to believe that it was that easy, but something in her heart told her to trust the book. Natalie read and read.
She read stories about the Jews and how often they disobeyed God, even after He'd rescue them time and time again. She read about Ruth, the brave woman who loved her mother in law and was loyal even after their husbands died. Natalie read about the wise king Solomon and how when He was given the chance for anything he chose wisdom. Natalie read about prophets telling the people about the Messiah, this man that would come and save them.
Throughout the stories Natalie saw that there were couples, marriage was an idea that God created in the beginning with Adam and Eve. Even more than ever Natalie wanted a husband. She read in Proverbs 31 about what it meant to be an amazing wife. She wanted that chance.
Natalie grew lonelier and lonelier. She took a break from the Bible for awhile and began to prowl. One day she met Titus. Titus was new to the apartment. He and his human, Larry had just moved from the country. Titus was very friendly and very smart. He and Natalie got along very well.
One day Titus came by and saw Natalie reading. He also saw the Bible on the coffee table. He asked her about it and Natalie said that she was reading it to learn about God, their creator. Titus mentioned that before he and Larry moved into the apartment Larry was a pastor at a church in the country. Titus explained what Pastors did.
Natalie was very intrigued. She mentioned that Princess had told her to read it after Natalie confided in her about wanting a husband to fill the lonely void in her heart. Titus agreed that Princess was wise to have her read the book, he told her the Bible would change her life. Titus asked if she had read the whole thing yet.
Natalie told him no, after reading the first 60 books in the Bible she felt even lonelier reading about all the couples in the Bible and not having a special someone of her own. Titus then told her to start reading in Matthew. He explained that the books Matthew, Mark, Luke and John were called the Gospels and that in those she would find many answers.
That night Natalie read Matthew and she read about Jesus. Jesus was God in human form. He came down to earth to save everyone from sin and to make a way from them to go to Heaven. No longer would a blood sacrifice be required. Jesus not only offered salvation, but He offered to come live within each person and complete them. Natalie read on, she read the other Gospels as well, and even though she was tired she read on. She read to the end.
Finally Natalie figured it out. She didn't NEED a husband, she needed Christ. Jesus wanted to come in and make her complete. Jesus was the answer to the void in her heart. Having a husband and a family wasn't a bad thing, it was a good thing. But her identity and her completeness came from God and acknowledging Him.
Natalie was so excited. At the first chance she ran to talk to Titus. He was lounging in the sun, but as soon as Natalie told him her epiphany he was excited for her. Titus led her in prayer and after that Natalie began to fill the void in her heart go away. The more she read the Bible and talked to God the smaller the void got. Natalie learned that in Christ and in having a relationship with Him she was becoming what her creator had created her to become.
Natalie was no longer the same cat. She was even more beautiful because she was cleaned from the inside and she reflected the joy and completeness of Christ.
-JP-
Thursday, February 10, 2011
Thousands of Dollars to do WHAT!?!
I FINALLY have a job and I am SO appreciative for that. God was protecting us and guiding us through this whole journey, yet I found myself wondering a little bit about why HE put me where he did. It seems like a waste of my education. Today was just my first day (I'm a cashier at a local store)and it was all orientation. Not very exciting, and we have more of the same tomorrow.
I went into the day with the attitude that I would be thankful for the job and be joyful about it because I'm where God wants me. I just didn't understand why He would have me here, when I was confident that He was leading me to be counselor. Instead of counseling I'm ringing up groceries for other counselors.
There are 2 of us going through orientation together. The other girl is a few years younger than I am. Quiet, but she seems pretty nice. We had an hour for lunch, so she and I drove in my car to a local Subway. It was fun and I got to know her a little bit and I realized why God has me where he does.
We were talking about books and what we liked and she asked if I was religious. I said, "I'm a Christian but I don't consider myself religious. It isn't about religion, but truth and being thankful for what Christ did."
She got really quiet for a moment and said, "My Grandma is a Christian and I just don't understand it, the stories in the first part of the Bible seem more outlandish than the fantasy books I read." Then she changed the subject and her body language made it clear that she didn't want to discuss religion anymore.
That is why I'm a cashier. I'm there because it is where God wants and through Him I can reach others and share the truth with others. Even if I don't harvest, hopefully by working hard, being courteous and joyful, working with integrity, I can show people Jesus. For sure I will have lots of people that I can bring before the throne! :-)
Is this the job I dreamed of having when I was little? NOPE. If the economy was better would I be doing something different? YES. Is this a menial job that is below me? Heaven's no! God doesn't say "Only work at fancy jobs to earn your food." He says, "No matter what you do, work at it with all your might, because everything you do you are doing for Christ." I am serving Christ, and because of that it is a high calling.
I am not giving up on my goals. Someday I want to get my book published (some day soon would be marvelous) and I'd love to pursue my goal of being an EMT. But for now, I'm a cashier and I'm going to go to work everyday choosing to see it as an opportunity to pray for and share Christ with a multitude of people. Who knows, this may turn out to be my favorite job! It is all about attitude.
-JP-
PS. I still wonder a bit why God would guide me toward an M.A. and help me begin my PhD, when I can do this job without those. So yes I spent 1000's and I'm doing something that doesn't require any college. But, I need to look at it as: I spent 1000's of dollars and now I'm more prepared "to give an answer" to anyone that comes to me with questions about Christ. If through this job I'm able to lead even just 1 soul to salvation than it was money VERY WELL spent. :-)
I went into the day with the attitude that I would be thankful for the job and be joyful about it because I'm where God wants me. I just didn't understand why He would have me here, when I was confident that He was leading me to be counselor. Instead of counseling I'm ringing up groceries for other counselors.
There are 2 of us going through orientation together. The other girl is a few years younger than I am. Quiet, but she seems pretty nice. We had an hour for lunch, so she and I drove in my car to a local Subway. It was fun and I got to know her a little bit and I realized why God has me where he does.
We were talking about books and what we liked and she asked if I was religious. I said, "I'm a Christian but I don't consider myself religious. It isn't about religion, but truth and being thankful for what Christ did."
She got really quiet for a moment and said, "My Grandma is a Christian and I just don't understand it, the stories in the first part of the Bible seem more outlandish than the fantasy books I read." Then she changed the subject and her body language made it clear that she didn't want to discuss religion anymore.
That is why I'm a cashier. I'm there because it is where God wants and through Him I can reach others and share the truth with others. Even if I don't harvest, hopefully by working hard, being courteous and joyful, working with integrity, I can show people Jesus. For sure I will have lots of people that I can bring before the throne! :-)
Is this the job I dreamed of having when I was little? NOPE. If the economy was better would I be doing something different? YES. Is this a menial job that is below me? Heaven's no! God doesn't say "Only work at fancy jobs to earn your food." He says, "No matter what you do, work at it with all your might, because everything you do you are doing for Christ." I am serving Christ, and because of that it is a high calling.
I am not giving up on my goals. Someday I want to get my book published (some day soon would be marvelous) and I'd love to pursue my goal of being an EMT. But for now, I'm a cashier and I'm going to go to work everyday choosing to see it as an opportunity to pray for and share Christ with a multitude of people. Who knows, this may turn out to be my favorite job! It is all about attitude.
-JP-
PS. I still wonder a bit why God would guide me toward an M.A. and help me begin my PhD, when I can do this job without those. So yes I spent 1000's and I'm doing something that doesn't require any college. But, I need to look at it as: I spent 1000's of dollars and now I'm more prepared "to give an answer" to anyone that comes to me with questions about Christ. If through this job I'm able to lead even just 1 soul to salvation than it was money VERY WELL spent. :-)
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
Forgiveness is the Beginning
One of the things in life that I have learned is that there is power and strength in forgiveness. It takes a strong person to be able to forgive another. Forgiveness is saying "Yes you hurt me, but we are going to move on." It is easy to stay mired in the hurt, the pain and anger. It is easy to hold a grudge.
Holding on to the anger is never a good idea. Think about the people you know that are unpleasant, angry, bitter. 8 times out of 10 if you talk to them a huge part of their problem is that they don't know how, or just refuse to have a spirit of forgiveness.
We need to forgive, if only for our peace of mind. It is easier to see the beautiful God moments when we are not blinded by un-forgiveness.
Yet, forgiveness is only the beginning. We also need to love the other person(s). That is something I have struggled with for 9 years. I have been able to forgive the men that raped me, and my ex that abused me. I have. I pray for them to see Christ. I do want to spend eternity with them, because that would mean they found salvation.
But, to want to know they are in Heaven and not Hell and to sincerely love them are 2 totally different things. It is HARD to love men that have hurt me so much. I can intellectually say "I forgive you and hope you find Christ", but in my deepest part of my heart, do I truly love them?
Christ showed us how important love is. Love goes hand in hand with forgiveness. This is exemplified with the adulterous woman. He forgave her for her sin, instructed her to sin no more, but did it all through love and gentleness. As Christ hung on the cross and gazed out at the throng of people that had clamored for his death, he prayed for, forgave and loved them.
I'm not there yet. I'm praying that I can get there. I'm on my way. I can understand that those that have hurt me the most are just as beloved by Christ as my husband and I are. I KNOW that, but I need to transfer that knowledge and put it in my heart.
I have joy because I know that God will help me get there. I also know that as I continue on the path I'll grow more in love with Him. Love for ALL other people will only intensify my love for Him!
-JP-
Holding on to the anger is never a good idea. Think about the people you know that are unpleasant, angry, bitter. 8 times out of 10 if you talk to them a huge part of their problem is that they don't know how, or just refuse to have a spirit of forgiveness.
We need to forgive, if only for our peace of mind. It is easier to see the beautiful God moments when we are not blinded by un-forgiveness.
Yet, forgiveness is only the beginning. We also need to love the other person(s). That is something I have struggled with for 9 years. I have been able to forgive the men that raped me, and my ex that abused me. I have. I pray for them to see Christ. I do want to spend eternity with them, because that would mean they found salvation.
But, to want to know they are in Heaven and not Hell and to sincerely love them are 2 totally different things. It is HARD to love men that have hurt me so much. I can intellectually say "I forgive you and hope you find Christ", but in my deepest part of my heart, do I truly love them?
Christ showed us how important love is. Love goes hand in hand with forgiveness. This is exemplified with the adulterous woman. He forgave her for her sin, instructed her to sin no more, but did it all through love and gentleness. As Christ hung on the cross and gazed out at the throng of people that had clamored for his death, he prayed for, forgave and loved them.
I'm not there yet. I'm praying that I can get there. I'm on my way. I can understand that those that have hurt me the most are just as beloved by Christ as my husband and I are. I KNOW that, but I need to transfer that knowledge and put it in my heart.
I have joy because I know that God will help me get there. I also know that as I continue on the path I'll grow more in love with Him. Love for ALL other people will only intensify my love for Him!
-JP-
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
Missing My Beloved
There are times when I can be in my library and my hubs will be in his computer room and I'll miss him. I'll actually miss him. To the point where I get up and go into his room just to be near him. It is weird. I never expected to love someone to the point that I'd miss him when we were in different rooms.
When I think about how much I love my husband and how much I just need to be around him I think about Christ and I realize that I should have the same feelings, but deeper for Christ. When I go a few hours without checking in with Christ I should be crazy to get near Him again.
God is the fountain, the giver of Life. God is the source for everything. If I miss anyone it should be God first. God is the air that we breathe, He is our strength and our energy. God is love.
So why is it that there are days when it is so much easier to ignore God? Why is that even though I love Him so dearly, I can so easily put him behind other things? How can I love God, but not desire God?
As I ponder those questions I think the answer lies in my heart and my attitude. Loving God takes dedication. But, it is like anything else. The more I do the more it becomes a part of me. Loving D didn't happen over night. Our love is developing. I need to dedicate myself to God, I need to be intentional about my love and my relationship with Him. The more intention I put into it, the less I will have to future.
The love and the yearning grows as I spend more time with Him. My actions will grow to match my heart. It takes time, prayer, and it is a choice. I choose to need God. I choose to put my reliance in Him. I choose to make Him my all in all.
-JP-
When I think about how much I love my husband and how much I just need to be around him I think about Christ and I realize that I should have the same feelings, but deeper for Christ. When I go a few hours without checking in with Christ I should be crazy to get near Him again.
God is the fountain, the giver of Life. God is the source for everything. If I miss anyone it should be God first. God is the air that we breathe, He is our strength and our energy. God is love.
So why is it that there are days when it is so much easier to ignore God? Why is that even though I love Him so dearly, I can so easily put him behind other things? How can I love God, but not desire God?
As I ponder those questions I think the answer lies in my heart and my attitude. Loving God takes dedication. But, it is like anything else. The more I do the more it becomes a part of me. Loving D didn't happen over night. Our love is developing. I need to dedicate myself to God, I need to be intentional about my love and my relationship with Him. The more intention I put into it, the less I will have to future.
The love and the yearning grows as I spend more time with Him. My actions will grow to match my heart. It takes time, prayer, and it is a choice. I choose to need God. I choose to put my reliance in Him. I choose to make Him my all in all.
-JP-
Friday, February 4, 2011
L-O-V-E
In honor of this being February, the month of Valentine's Day, I thought I'd spend the night waxing eloquent about my husband. So, here is my little poem!
MY HUSBAND
M is for the Many things he says to make me smile and feel better.
Y is for how Yummy all the foods are that he cooks for me.
H is for how he Helps me out when I don't feel good.
U is for how Understanding my husband is about everything.
S is for the way he makes me Smile & jump when he "scares" me!
B is for how he Believes in me and believes in our Lord.
A is for how Amazing he is at: bowling, loving me & making me laugh.
N is for all the Numerous things he does for me each & every day.
D is for Darby and all that he is, and all the days we've had and will have!
What can I say, I love him!!! Thank you Love, for being here for me. So far our ride has been short, but it has been great because I've been on it with you. You are the 2nd greatest blessing in my life! :-)
-JP-
MY HUSBAND
M is for the Many things he says to make me smile and feel better.
Y is for how Yummy all the foods are that he cooks for me.
H is for how he Helps me out when I don't feel good.
U is for how Understanding my husband is about everything.
S is for the way he makes me Smile & jump when he "scares" me!
B is for how he Believes in me and believes in our Lord.
A is for how Amazing he is at: bowling, loving me & making me laugh.
N is for all the Numerous things he does for me each & every day.
D is for Darby and all that he is, and all the days we've had and will have!
What can I say, I love him!!! Thank you Love, for being here for me. So far our ride has been short, but it has been great because I've been on it with you. You are the 2nd greatest blessing in my life! :-)
-JP-
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
Overcoming Evil
I never know how I'll feel when each anniversary comes around. Right now, I'm in a pretty good place. I'm all cozy in bed with my husband beside me (for a couple more minutes). Earlier this morning I was on my side, looking at him and I just marveled at where my life is right now.
9 years ago I was brutally raped, beaten, and used by 2 men that were into some crazy stuff. I saw in their eyes pure evil. I begged God to just let them finish and kill me, but God held my hand through it all and said, "No my child, I know right now you think you are in Hell, but I have a plan for your life. Cling to me. I'm right here to help you through this."
For the longest time I was so beyond angry with God. Why didn't He let me die? Why did He allow a new life to be created from these evil men? And when God took my child from me, that was it. If God wasn't going to let me die, then I'd force the issue. Well, God had me in his hands then too. I took enough pills I should have died, God just expelled them from my system.
God was trying to get through to me. "Please child, turn to me. Let me comfort you. Let me show you how we can use this to help others." I didn't want to hear it. I wanted to blame God for not killing those men, or taking me home. I wanted to blame Him for remaining neutral while I was defiled. God just SAT there up in Heaven. He did nothing! That is what I wanted to think.
But, it just wasn't true. God hurts when we hurt. God hates when one of his children is taken advantage of. Yet, he allows it because if he didn't, that would make us robots. Free will and choice (to do evil or good) is what separates us from all other animals.
When I finally decided to stop running from God and start running with God, my life turned around. No, it isn't all sunshine and roses (this blog is evidence of that), but it is a life encased in the loving arms of my Savior. God has brought me to a place that I've always dreamed about.
He has given me an AMAZING husband, a man that loves me; faults and all. He has given me friends that are a joy to my life. Furthermore, God has given me a purpose. My goal is to love Him, to spread the Gospel, and to help others that are so mired in bitterness, fear, depression, loneliness, anger, etc that they can't see the joy. I want to reach out to the people that see rock bottom as the sky. I was there, I know that the rocks are a false sky.
It isn't easy to overcome the evil that we encounter. The journey is not for the faint of heart. It is easier to remain bitter, angry, depressed, scared, lonely. Yet, that isn't the life God wants for us. God wants to lavish us with His love. God wants to give us joy. 9 years ago I died, and out of the ashes of what used to be, I was finally able to see what the Bible talks about.
God is there! God is real! God is love! God is joy! God is peace! God is amazing! God is a refuge! God is the healer! Jesus is God, and Jesus overcame evil! God IS!!!
-JP-
9 years ago I was brutally raped, beaten, and used by 2 men that were into some crazy stuff. I saw in their eyes pure evil. I begged God to just let them finish and kill me, but God held my hand through it all and said, "No my child, I know right now you think you are in Hell, but I have a plan for your life. Cling to me. I'm right here to help you through this."
For the longest time I was so beyond angry with God. Why didn't He let me die? Why did He allow a new life to be created from these evil men? And when God took my child from me, that was it. If God wasn't going to let me die, then I'd force the issue. Well, God had me in his hands then too. I took enough pills I should have died, God just expelled them from my system.
God was trying to get through to me. "Please child, turn to me. Let me comfort you. Let me show you how we can use this to help others." I didn't want to hear it. I wanted to blame God for not killing those men, or taking me home. I wanted to blame Him for remaining neutral while I was defiled. God just SAT there up in Heaven. He did nothing! That is what I wanted to think.
But, it just wasn't true. God hurts when we hurt. God hates when one of his children is taken advantage of. Yet, he allows it because if he didn't, that would make us robots. Free will and choice (to do evil or good) is what separates us from all other animals.
When I finally decided to stop running from God and start running with God, my life turned around. No, it isn't all sunshine and roses (this blog is evidence of that), but it is a life encased in the loving arms of my Savior. God has brought me to a place that I've always dreamed about.
He has given me an AMAZING husband, a man that loves me; faults and all. He has given me friends that are a joy to my life. Furthermore, God has given me a purpose. My goal is to love Him, to spread the Gospel, and to help others that are so mired in bitterness, fear, depression, loneliness, anger, etc that they can't see the joy. I want to reach out to the people that see rock bottom as the sky. I was there, I know that the rocks are a false sky.
It isn't easy to overcome the evil that we encounter. The journey is not for the faint of heart. It is easier to remain bitter, angry, depressed, scared, lonely. Yet, that isn't the life God wants for us. God wants to lavish us with His love. God wants to give us joy. 9 years ago I died, and out of the ashes of what used to be, I was finally able to see what the Bible talks about.
God is there! God is real! God is love! God is joy! God is peace! God is amazing! God is a refuge! God is the healer! Jesus is God, and Jesus overcame evil! God IS!!!
-JP-
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
9 Years Ago Today
9 Years ago today I was a typical college freshman. I was attending classes, doing homework, hanging out with friends and getting prepared to go out on a date at the end of the week. I was finally beginning to adjust to college life and being so far from the only place I had ever really called home.
I've never been very good at making friends. I'm quite shy in real life. I get nervous and I don't know what to say around people in my own peer group. I'm fine on stage, or at work, because I know what is expected and what "script" to follow, but off the cuff stuff would scare the heck out of me.
So, college took some adjustments. I chose a school where I didn't know anyone. I did make some friends, but it took time and a big step out of my comfort zone. Returning to school after Christmas break I was excited that I'd be going to be a place where I did know some people, and I had found an AMAZING church home. Church was my refuge.
Spring semester I had some interesting classes: Old Testament Survey, New Testament Survey, Biology (and the lab), Handbells, Educational Psychology and English in the Classroom (I don't remember the official title, but it was a class for education students). It was a fun mix of classes. I really liked my OT class and the professor. It was fun and I was learning A LOT.
I have always loved to learn. February first I was finally getting into the meat of the classes. I was working on a project on the Krebs Cycle for Biology class. It kept me busy and I was stressing out, because it didn't look as nice as I wanted the posterboard part to look. I've never been at that stuff. I want my work to be perfect, and I'm not good at art.
Little did I know, that in less than 24 hours, the Krebs Cycle and school in general would be the least of my worries. 9 years ago I was just a typical college student, and I was blind to what the night would bring. I didn't know that it was the last day of life as I knew it. 9 years ago today.
I've never been very good at making friends. I'm quite shy in real life. I get nervous and I don't know what to say around people in my own peer group. I'm fine on stage, or at work, because I know what is expected and what "script" to follow, but off the cuff stuff would scare the heck out of me.
So, college took some adjustments. I chose a school where I didn't know anyone. I did make some friends, but it took time and a big step out of my comfort zone. Returning to school after Christmas break I was excited that I'd be going to be a place where I did know some people, and I had found an AMAZING church home. Church was my refuge.
Spring semester I had some interesting classes: Old Testament Survey, New Testament Survey, Biology (and the lab), Handbells, Educational Psychology and English in the Classroom (I don't remember the official title, but it was a class for education students). It was a fun mix of classes. I really liked my OT class and the professor. It was fun and I was learning A LOT.
I have always loved to learn. February first I was finally getting into the meat of the classes. I was working on a project on the Krebs Cycle for Biology class. It kept me busy and I was stressing out, because it didn't look as nice as I wanted the posterboard part to look. I've never been at that stuff. I want my work to be perfect, and I'm not good at art.
Little did I know, that in less than 24 hours, the Krebs Cycle and school in general would be the least of my worries. 9 years ago I was just a typical college student, and I was blind to what the night would bring. I didn't know that it was the last day of life as I knew it. 9 years ago today.
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