I never know how I'll feel when each anniversary comes around. Right now, I'm in a pretty good place. I'm all cozy in bed with my husband beside me (for a couple more minutes). Earlier this morning I was on my side, looking at him and I just marveled at where my life is right now.
9 years ago I was brutally raped, beaten, and used by 2 men that were into some crazy stuff. I saw in their eyes pure evil. I begged God to just let them finish and kill me, but God held my hand through it all and said, "No my child, I know right now you think you are in Hell, but I have a plan for your life. Cling to me. I'm right here to help you through this."
For the longest time I was so beyond angry with God. Why didn't He let me die? Why did He allow a new life to be created from these evil men? And when God took my child from me, that was it. If God wasn't going to let me die, then I'd force the issue. Well, God had me in his hands then too. I took enough pills I should have died, God just expelled them from my system.
God was trying to get through to me. "Please child, turn to me. Let me comfort you. Let me show you how we can use this to help others." I didn't want to hear it. I wanted to blame God for not killing those men, or taking me home. I wanted to blame Him for remaining neutral while I was defiled. God just SAT there up in Heaven. He did nothing! That is what I wanted to think.
But, it just wasn't true. God hurts when we hurt. God hates when one of his children is taken advantage of. Yet, he allows it because if he didn't, that would make us robots. Free will and choice (to do evil or good) is what separates us from all other animals.
When I finally decided to stop running from God and start running with God, my life turned around. No, it isn't all sunshine and roses (this blog is evidence of that), but it is a life encased in the loving arms of my Savior. God has brought me to a place that I've always dreamed about.
He has given me an AMAZING husband, a man that loves me; faults and all. He has given me friends that are a joy to my life. Furthermore, God has given me a purpose. My goal is to love Him, to spread the Gospel, and to help others that are so mired in bitterness, fear, depression, loneliness, anger, etc that they can't see the joy. I want to reach out to the people that see rock bottom as the sky. I was there, I know that the rocks are a false sky.
It isn't easy to overcome the evil that we encounter. The journey is not for the faint of heart. It is easier to remain bitter, angry, depressed, scared, lonely. Yet, that isn't the life God wants for us. God wants to lavish us with His love. God wants to give us joy. 9 years ago I died, and out of the ashes of what used to be, I was finally able to see what the Bible talks about.
God is there! God is real! God is love! God is joy! God is peace! God is amazing! God is a refuge! God is the healer! Jesus is God, and Jesus overcame evil! God IS!!!
-JP-
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