I know that I am brand, spanking new to marriage but there is one truth that I have learned in my 19 days of married life. Counseling books can help, but you can't totally rely on them to guide your marriage.
I'm a counselor (by training, even if I'm not actually getting paid to do it at the moment) and I will admit that there is only so much you can learn from a book. Part of it is because the books are so redundant! They all say the same thing. Someone needs to write a book about marriage that covers what REALLY happens, and how to REALLY deal with it.
Take me for instance. I am a fairly normal newlywed, especially for my generation. I am in my late 20's, so I waited a short bit to get hitched. I am well educated (I have my Master's Degree and am working on a PhD) and I am a Christian.
This does not mean that I know everything about marriage- in fact I am learning that I don't know that much! The more I learn the more I realize I don't know much! One thing I am learning is that I am a bit schizo. I have these weird emotions going on right now, but from talking to friends that are newlywed, or remember those days, I know that I am not alone.
I am ecstatic to be married to D. I very much believe that he is the man for me. I believe that God brought us together for a reason, and that we are going to have a wonderful marriage. I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE him, and I love him more everyday. That said, I've had a few nights where I just sat down and cried. BALLED my eyes out one night. The dog and cat thought I was CRAZY woman!
I'm MARRIED now. When I walked down the aisle, said my vows and had the marriage certificate sent to the county clerk, I made the 2nd most important decision of my life (the 1st was to accept Christ). That is major! It is a decision that impacts SO many people!
I don't want to be married to anyone else, and I do want to be married to D. Yet, the idea that I'm married now, I'm part of a couple. I have a family of my own, and we are free to start having children if we choose. It is HUGE. It is scary. I want to show D how much I love him, I want to be the perfect wife for him and I know I'll screw up (and probably a LOT). All of that, and other thoughts were going through my head, and I cried it out.
Books don't tell you that you will spend your first few months with bouts of tears, and your inadequacies and fears will be brought to the surface. Books don't tell you how to deal with them.
I'll let you in a secret- and I won't even charge you for this piece of advice/counsel! TALK to someone! YUP, that's the answer. TALK. I am lucky, one of my best friends married 4 months before I did, so we have each other to bounce things off of, and that is amazingly wonderful. I think it is good to find someone who is in the same stage of marriage. It helps (a LOT). Also, find someone who has been married for awhile, someone that you trust to give you the truth in love, who has been there, done that, and come out on the other side.
The books try to explain marriage, but till you get yourself knee deep in it, you will not realize just how much help you need, and that there are some surprises that married couples don't talk about, because we had to find out on our own- you do too!!! ;-)
The last things books can't express is just how WONDERFUL marriage is. I LOVE IT. I LOVE being married to D, to knowing that he will be around, there for me, that he loves me too. To get to go to bed, wake up with, and spend lots of time in between with my best friend. It is a beautiful thing indeed!
HAPPY FESTIVUS!!!
-JP-
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