Marriage: Day 17

Today's blog is more about trying to figure things out, than it is about marriage. an alternative title for today's post: When You Can't See God

It is strange how life moves. A person can be in the midst of a time of great joy and still dealing with a feeling of failure. It is in these schizophrenic times when I find it hard to see God. This is when the evil one and his minions sneak up and me and say, "If God was in control He'd be able to work this out. You can't see God because He doesn't want to be seen, He doesn't care about you, etc." these are all lies, but it is so easy to just give into the blindness and the lies.

It seems so easy just to let myself sink into depression once more. It seems like I'll have one mountaintop experience and while I'm still trying to savor it, I'm plunged back into the valley. No matter how hard I like, how much I squint I can't look up and see God. It just doesn't seem fair. I'm trying to do things right, trying to figure out how to be a good Christian- how to show God I love Him. But, I think "Where are you, Lord? I've been praying and asking for the same thing for months now! Why haven't you done your part? I'm doing mine, and then some! Where is your provision? WHERE THE HECK ARE YOU AND WHY ARE YOU NOT HELPING ME OUT HERE! I NEED YOU!"

As I write this, I'm beginning to realize something- I've been looking in the wrong place. I've been looking UP and I need to look beside me! God is right here. He isn't just floating around the sky, entertained by how we fumble around. He is right here, offering to hold my hand. He is waiting for me to crawl into His lap and cry out all my frustrations, fears, worries and overwhelming moments. He is behind me, before me, below me, and beside me.

He has given me an amazing husband, a warm house, good friends, a wonderful church family, food and He is working to help my faith and trust grow. Yes, I can still wonder why I didn't get the job I wanted (and was very qualified for), why I haven't found ANY decent jobs (you'd think that even in this economy a Master's Degree+ would open SOME doors, but actually it is the key that is locking a lot of them)!

Even though I'm frustrated, confused, annoyed and angry I'm still going to believe that God is in control, that Jer. 29.11 is correct "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord. Plans to give you an expected future and hope." All I can do is to continue to pound the pavement, follow up on every lead, prepare for interviews and do my best.

The rest is up to God, and I know that if I keep my hand in His, He will protect me, and He will watch over my husband and use this time of no money and frustration to just cement our relationship so that when even worse storms hit, we are dug in and can weather them.

Most of all, I'm going to not give into the feelings and I'm going to enjoy this week and really focus on celebrating Christ and wishing Him a VERY HAPPY BIRTHDAY, and I'm going to enjoy doing all that with my husband!

-JP-