Good-bye 2011

It is that time again, the time when many of us bloggers feel the need to look over the year, to figure out just what we did with our 365 days. I am no different. It has been an interesting year in my life.

I began the year as a newlywed with less than a month of marriage under my belt, and I end the year anxiously awaiting the birth of our first child! That in itself is a lot, but the pregnancy is not the only event because we do not live in a vacuum.

I've also had to say good-bye to 2 men that I loved and admired. 2 men that were giants in the faith, even though they didn't show up on the national radar. Their impact will be seen by how many souls they helped lead to Heaven, and how many more they mentored and helped grow.

As if that is not enough I've also fought my own battles. Battles with sin and feeling like an inadequate daughter of the King of Kings that I love so dearly. I hate to sin and to fail Him, to know that what I'm doing is wrong, yet not being quite able to overcome the temptation. I hate being weak.

Yet, 2011 has taught me one big lesson to share- I'm not weak. I fail, I give in when I shouldn't, but I'm not weak. I'm strong because of what I've been through in the last 10 years, and because I've finally learned the secret to strength. I've learned the secret is that I can't rely on myself, I have to let the Holy Spirit work through me and within me. I have to use God's strength.

You too can be strong in the Lord. You too can overcome the obstacles, temptations, fears, pain, and loss that you are feeling, but you have to give it all to the Lord and ask for His help. May your 2011 end better than it started and may you start 2012 focused on healing and growing in Christ, for that is how we will live Joyfully After ___________.

-J-

The Beauty of Rain

Anyone that knows me knows that I love snow. I turn into a child when it snows. I can sit and watch it snow for hours, and then go outside and play in it till I'm forced to come in. Snow is magical to me. It is fun, tastes good as snowcream, and is very symbolic.

Think about a snowflake. A snowflake is like an individual. It is created by God and is unique. No two snowflakes are exactly the same, just like us. It is fragile, just like we are. We all have our breaking points. Snow is made to be in community. I've been around snow my whole life and I've yet to ever see it snow just 1 flake. Snow comes in bunches, and it is through that community of flakes that snow becomes strong, that it is the blanket that covers the ground and hides things. And yes, just like you and I hide things from others (not everyone needs to see/know everything about us.) snow hides the barrenness of winter.

As much as I love snow, and I can't tell you just how wonderful I find snowy days, I am also learning to love rainy days too. For many people rain means gloomy skies, headaches getting around and just plain frustration. Yet, rain is beautiful.

Rain is refreshing. Rain is necessary for renewal. The rainwater helps keeps the grass green, the trees and plants growing. Rain washes away the dirt, it purifies. Rain is also created and given to us by our Creator. It is just as much a gift as snow is.

While you can't make forts or people out of rain, you can dance in it! What appears gloomy to some can be something you take joy in. Life is about attitude. It is about taking our circumstances and choosing to see the good. That isn't always easy, it takes work sometimes. But, isn't it better to go through life with a good attitude than a bitter one? Bitterness drives away people, joy is infectious and draws people in, and we could all use more friends, more life.

So, what are you going to do? Are you going to go out and dance and see the beauty that can come from today's circumstances, or are you going to let them trap you? When push comes to shoves it comes down to your choice. We can't choose our circumstances (I can't MAKE it snow), but we can choose how we will react.

-JLP-

Temper Tantrums Can Help

On facebook earlier a friend posted a picture of the promise ring his daughter wears. A promise ring is worn on a girl's wedding finger and is a sign that she has promised herself, her family, the Lord and her future husband that she will remain a virgin till her wedding night.

When I was 16 I made the promise and was given a really pretty Black Hills' gold promise ring. It was that year that I vowed to the Lord to remain pure for my husband. Then, when I was 18 I was raped. I was no longer a virgin, no longer pure. It was not my choice, but it happened.

The next year I chose to start sleeping with my boyfriend. I still wore the ring, because it was pretty. Then, one night a few nights after he (he was my ex at this point) attacked myself and my best friend I looked down at my finger and I took my ring and I threw it across my dorm room.

After that I had a bit of a temper tantrum. I screamed into my pillow, I kicked things, I threw one heck of a fit. I was angry. I was angry that God had let me get raped. I was angry at my ex for attacking us. I was angry at myself for not remaining pure, even after my rape. I was just plain ANGRY.

And you know what, while I might have chosen a better outlet than having a tantrum in my room, I needed to let go. I needed to let my feelings out. I needed to be honest. After, I felt ashamed (a bit, and glad I was alone) but better, because I was beginning to finally admit to myself all my pent up emotions.

Whatever you are going through you need to allow yourself to be honest about your feelings. If you've been abused it is OK to be angry. In fact that is good. Abuse (of any form) is wrong. It shouldn't have happened. It isn't fair, it isn't right. It sucks and it is healthy to be angry that it happened.

Now, it is important not to hurt yourself when you are angry (or others), and throwing things that can break (or hurt someone) is not the best idea, but let yourself go for a bit. I recommend healthy exercise. I find punching bags are quite handy! They are designed to take a beating. And the exercise releases different chemicals that help you feel better (remember we almost all feel better after a good exercise routine).

Don't be afraid of your feelings, they are natural. Own them. Talk to someone. Find a way to release, even if it is to scream into a pillow. The important thing in healing really is honesty and admiting what is going on. It may sound cliche, but it is true. That is the good that came from my tantrum (and yes, I found the ring and I have in a special place to hopefully pass onto my daughter one day).

Take care and know that you are in my prayers.

When the Load is Heavy

We have all witnessed it. We have personally been there, and we know people that have been there as well. The destination? I'm talking about the end of your rope. We have all been to the place where we call out to God "Hey Lord, you said you won't give me more than I can bear. I'm cracking. The weight of life is crushing me. I can't handle this!"

If you are willing to look beyond the weight of the circumstances you will see a special joy in being at the end of your rope. It is there that we learn just how strong God is. When our grip is slipping, when our arms are tired and weak from struggling to just hold on, God is right there.

He gives strength to the weary,
And to him who lacks might He increases power.
30 Though youths grow weary and tired,
And vigorous young men stumble badly,
31 Yet those who [aa]wait for the LORD
Will gain new strength;
They will [ab]mount up with [ac]wings like eagles,
They will run and not get tired,
They will walk and not become weary. Is. 40:29-31

When we are at our weakest, God is right there giving us His strength. When we get to that level, that is when we are most willing to rest in God's arms. This is a good thing. The better thing is to ALREADY be in God's arms.

Yet, no matter how close we are to God, how intimate the relationship, there will be times when our rope is just too short and we really need Him. God is near to the broken hearted.

I know. Last night a dear friend, a man who was like a 2nd father to me was called to Heaven. Then today I find out a dear Aunt is really struggling with cancer and in the hospital, my uncle has many health struggles, my Grandma won't be out here for my daughter's birth, financially things in our family are a struggle and I hurt for so many reasons.

Yet, this is life. We all face it. My struggles are not really different from any other person. What makes the difference is how I view them. Do I see them as weights to crush me, to drag me to the end of my rope, or do I see them as opportunities to rely on God, to grow closer to Him? Right now I'm doing my best to see them as golden opportunities to exhibit and experience God's joy and peace, His comfort.

When your load is heavy, when your rope is too short, I encourage you to turn to Christ. No matter what the situation, no matter how big the struggle, no matter how dark your personal storm clouds are, God is there with you, He is bigger, stronger and more powerful than the pain. He is just waiting for you to seek Him and ask for His help.

4Consider it a sheer gift, friends, when tests and challenges come at you from all sides. You know that under pressure, your faith-life is forced into the open and shows its true colors. So don't try to get out of anything prematurely. Let it do its work so you become mature and well-developed, not deficient in any way.

5-8If you don't know what you're doing, pray to the Father. He loves to help. You'll get his help, and won't be condescended to when you ask for it. Ask boldly, believingly, without a second thought." James 1:2-8a


-JLP-

Through God's Eyes

God gets lots of questions, and He is very good at answering them. One of the reasons that He gave us the Bible, was to answer a plethora of our questions. The Bible is our go to source for answers. If we want to know God and what He is about, we go to the Bible. If we want to know how the world began, and how it will end, we go to the Bible.

One of the questions that God gets asked often is "why do bad things happen to good people?" And yes, the answer to this is in the Bible. The answer is not as simple as it may seem. To answer this FAQ we have to look at history. We go back to the beginning.

In the beginning God created humans as perfect, immortal beings. We were designed in HIS image, to serve, love and commune with Him. But, sin entered and we broke off the perfect union. We all screw up. When measured against the perfectness of God, we are not good, we fall very short.

Yet, God still loves us. We are still His beloved creation. We may not be good anymore, but we are still loved. So loved in fact that God still longs for an eternal relationship with us. That is why Jesus had to come, had to sacrifice Himself on the cross, and then rise from the grave, as the victorious Savior.

Still, many people reject Him and His offer of peace, hope, joy, salvation and right living. People still long to live in sin. Thus, bad things happen. When given the choice, people sin. Sin is enticing, it seems fun. It seems easy, exciting, daring. Sin is life on the edge.

Like any drug, you need to do more to get the same thrill, so the sins get worse. And a lot of sins involve two people- the sinner and the person being hurt by the sin. Thus bad things happen to good people. The victim is hurt to provide the thrill for the perp.

Bad things happen because God created us with the ability to make choices, to choose right from wrong. God offers us wisdom and knowledge to make the right decisions, but we so often reject it. God also offers us forgiveness. No matter how often we screw up, He is there to forgive us. No matter how big our sin, He is there to forgive us.

If we look at it through God's eyes, it all comes down to choice. Bad things happen because humans so often make bad decisions. Yet, there is hope because God offers us the Holy Spirit as our guide, as our comfort. God offers us Himself, so that we don't have to make the bad decisions, and when someone else makes a bad choice that hurts us, we have God himself offering to comfort us!

-JLP-

Father Forgive Them

I grew up in the church. I went to Sunday School, AWANA, youth group. I was involved in Bible studies, choir and handbell choir. I loved the Lord and I loved serving Him in various ways.

The period right after my rape (and all that followed) was a dark time for me. I was scared, confused, ashamed and felt abandoned. I felt like God, whom I loved and had served my whole life, had abandoned me. His love must not be genuine, if He allowed me to be so hurt.

It was after the incident with my boyfriend where he attacked not only myself, but my best friend that I picked up the Bible to genuinely read it again. It was then that my heart was open to once more hear the whisper of God, to hear His still small voice.

I read from the gospel of Luke. "Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do." (Luke 23:34)

It was in that verse that I realized that not only was I mired in so much darkness, but I was mired in hate. I hated my two rapists. I hated the school for allowing the circumstances that led to such an event. I hated myself and what I had become. I seriously needed to grow a heart of forgiveness and love. I needed to find vestiges of the girl that I once was.

If Christ could forgive not only the men that crucified Him, but the crowd that cried out for it, and if from the cross He could ask God to forgive all of us (for He was. You and I were included in that prayer, our sins cost Him the cross), then I could learn to forgive my attackers.

It didn't happen over night. It was a slow process, but I can say that I've forgiven them. I don't think my rapists understood just how evil they were. They need Christ. So now, in lieu of hate I pray for them. I don't know who they are, but God does, and He loves them. As much as He loves you and me.

That is what is radical about our God. He loves us all. He wants to heal each of us from our wounds and our sins. He wants to give each of us a life of joy. He is offering it, it ours to grab and live. He did the hard part that Spring weekend, now we have to claim it as ours and let the journey begin.

-JLP-

Watching, but not Helpless

There is nothing harder that I have had to do than travel the post-rape, post-abuse trail. It is not for the faint of heart. It is also not a journey that I could have traveled alone. God gave me an amazing support group of family, friends and Himself. Without each I couldn't have made it joyfully.

As hard as it is to personally travel the journey from evil circumstances and pain to joy, it is also very hard to watch someone you love have to deal with personal tragedy and pain. There is almost nothing harder than watching someone you love hurting and knowing that while you can be a comfort, they have to travel the journey, you can't do it for them.

That is where faith comes in. It takes a lot of faith in God and His love to give them over to Him. As humans we want to hold on. We want to be in control. We hurt for those we love, so we want to fix it, and fix it now. We want to make everything better for them.

Yet, that is not what our loved ones need. They need to take the steps, to make the decisions, to see that they are stronger than they believe, that they can do this. In the end, letting go and giving them to God and letting Him have the reins is the best gift we can give them.

We may feel like we are just spectators, but we are not helpless. They will need their support group. They will need a listening ear, a shoulder to cry on, a person to vent to, a friend and not a judge. They will need a shove for a night out. Being the friend is hard, but it is not a helpless job. While God is leading the journey, He doesn't ask us to go it alone. He tells us that we need each other. Yet, we can't crowd them. We each have our own journey.

They will give you cues, and if you can't read the cues, just ask them! It is hard to be the friend/loved one, but it is a very important role.

-JLP-

He Knows Your Pain

For since He Himself was tested and suffered, He is able help those who are tested. Hebrews 2:18


No one knows exactly what you are going through right now. No one can totally understand your suffering, your pain. There is no one here on earth that can be the perfect comfort that you may need right now. What you are dealing with is unique to you.

There are a lot of people that have had similiar experiences, but we each experience life a little bit differently. The only person that can really provide the comfort and that knows you so well, and knows pain and suffering so well, is Jesus Christ.

The verse quoted above shows us that Jesus suffered (just read the Gospels [Matthew, Mark, Luke and John]) and He is uniquely equipped to relate to YOU. No matter who you are. Jesus suffered as a human and He understands. As God Jesus knows our hearts, our souls. He gives Himself the ability to relate, because He is all loving, and all compassionate. Jesus wants to be with you through this.

Invite Him into your life. Let Him help you. He knows you. He loves you. He's been there before, and He wants to be there for you. Let Him. It is the best decision you can make, the one that will bring the most healing to your life.

Sweet Peace

There is darkness all around you, even in the middle of the day. The blackness of your soul, the depths of your fear, your pain, your feelings of worthlessness overwhelm even the brightest of sunny days. You are just trying to make it the next 5 minutes.

You look around and see all the things in the house that could help you end this miserable existence you have found yourself mired in. You wonder which is the easiest, which would be the best option. Ending it all seems like the answer.

Yet, you don't move. Your thoughts are switched to your friends. You know they care about you, even if they don't understand what you are feeling. You think of your parents and all that they would have to deal with. Then you remember a song your Grandma used to sing to you. A song that is from the days BEFORE. For you live in a BEFORE and AFTER existence.

The song says "Jesus love you this I know. For the Bible tells me so." A bit silly for an adult, but still the words reach you. You wonder if Jesus really does love you, and if so, WHY? And you call out "WHY?"

In your heart you hear "Because I love you humans enough to give you choice, to give you free will. I hate what you do with it. I hate how you hurt each other. I hate that it cost my Son his life. But, I love you and so does He. It is why He volunteered to go to the cross. I am God and I love you. Let me help you."

All of a sudden you feel a small sense of peace. You are still mired in darkness, your problems are not over, but you feel like maybe there is light. You feel the beginning of healing taking place. You no longer look around for ways to end it all, but you listen wanting to hear the voice more.

You know the journey is just beginning, but at least it isn't ending. That is God's promise. Jesus loves you and will help you. Yes YOU!! It doesn't matter the darkness, it doesn't matter if you are a victim or a perpetrator, Jesus is bigger, Jesus will guide you and help you to learn to walk in His way, to know His peace. It is offered for EVERYONE.

On that thought you get up and finally you see the beauty of the sun again.

Questioning God

It is amazing how contradictory life can be. The sun is shining, my neighborhood has been decorated by God in all its autumnal glory, and the animals are at peace with each other.

Let me invite you in from the outside. Don't just come into our house, but come into my heart for a moment. You will see that the beauty is just a decoration. Inside there are a lot of questions I have for the Lord. A lot of, how, why, and when's.

I am a planner, an organizer. I like to have a place for everything, and I like it when things are in their place. Right now, there are a lot of things misplaced. And I wonder when the Lord is going to help me get them back in order.

But, before I give you the whole tour, let us start in the foyer, the introductory room. I love the Lord and I trust Him completely. I've seen how He has helped me move from a girl that wallowed in her rape, that allowed herself to be in an abusive relationship after I realized that it wasn't healthy. So, I know that if God can pull me from those depths and give me a joy for life, that He has something planned for me (Jeremiah 29:11 gives me this promise).

I've also been blessed with not 1 but 2 degrees. I have a B.S. in education and an M.A. in pastoral counseling. These degrees show a willingness to work hard to achieve my goals. I'm not one to sit on the side lines of life. I want to make my life count for the Lord. I also want to be able to use the gifts He has given me to bless others and to provide for my growing family.

So, now let us move to the couches and have our chat. Right now I'm struggling because I have these passions, these gifts from the Lord. I've seen how far He has brought me on this journey and I KNOW that He has more in store. I just don't know when He is going to give me access.

I'm living in an area where no matter what I do, where I look, whom I talk with, all I can find in way of employment is as a cashier for minimum wage. Yes it is honest work, but it isn't using any of the talents or gifts He has blessed me with. And, it isn't helping to really provide for my family.

Each month is a struggle. It is a juggling game between which bill to pay, AND we've streamlined down to just the necessities. It isn't like we are paying off big ticket items that we bought on a whim. We are trying to be wise and frugal. This is NOT how I pictured things when I was working so hard on my degrees. Part of the reason why I have them is so that I can provide for my family and live comfortably (I don't need to be rich, but middle class would be nice).

I know part of it is Satan. The harder I strive to live for the Lord and share His love the harder Satan works at shutting me down. Satan doesn't want any of us to have an impact for God.

I also know that God has His own timing, and that His timing is for our best. I've seen that. God has given me an amazing husband that I love more than I could ever imagine. God has also given us a child that we will soon welcome into the world.

One of the biggest struggles all couples have is with money. We have to consciously give our worries, our stresses, our fears, our financial struggles and questions to God, each day. We have to make sure that we leave them with God. God knows what we need and how much it costs. None of the things that shock us each month surprise God, He is prepared. He knows how to handle it.

Many times God uses this area to draw a couple closer together. If we can make it through financial struggles, we can make it through most anything. We just have to let it be a bonding time and not divisive. It could be that God is telling us to reach out.

It is OK to ask for help. God tells us in the NT to "serve one another." so often we do well at the serving, but our pride doesn't want to let us be the ones served. God could be saying, "there is someone out there that I have that wants to bless you. Only by reaching out and letting your need be known, can they have that honor."

And yes, even when He decides to not show us the big picture it could be that He is wanting to teach us to trust Him, to have just a little more faith and patience, to remember that He is our Provider. What seems to get us down could be God's way of saying "Lean on me just a bit more, let me use this to show you my glory, my strength." Nothing in the financial realm is impossible for God.

So now you've seen a little bit into my heart, the home of my soul. It is full of questions, but also faith. Yet, in order for the faith to grow I have to be willing to ask God the questions and let Him answer them.

What questions do you have for God? I can assure you that they will not surprise Him. He will not get angry at you for asking. He wants you to ask, so that you can grow. Questions are how we learn.

Thanks for dropping by, and as you leave today, take a moment to enjoy the beautiful picture God has painted in my neighborhood, and hopefully in your 'hood as well. When we are struggling it is important to remember that there is still beauty all around us.

-JLP-

He Loves Us Through It

I just heard the Martina McBride song, "I'm Gonna Love You Through It" and I almost started weeping! It is such a poignant song, but one that really hit home to me. I love the message behind the song. That someone has so much love that they will get us through the hard times, the horrible times, that we can't do anything that will make them not love us.

The song is not a fairy tale, for we can each have that special someone, though it isn't a boyfriend, a spouse, or a best friend. The only one that we can REALLY count on to love us through our worst times, to ALWAYS be there, to love us through the horror that we go through, the only one is our Heavenly Father. He is up there saying, "I'm here. I'm knocking on your heart. I want you to let me love you through this pain, this fear, this adversity. I want to love you through it. I want to love you till you feel joy again, and I want to love through the joy as well."

Do you need love like that? Love that is yours no matter who you are, what you have done, what has happened to you? It is just a prayer away! You don't have to know much about the Bible. You just have to say "Yes Lord I believe that I need You. I believe that You are my only hope. I accept You, thank you for accepting me."

Now, let Him love you.

The Beauty of Rebirth

With Autumn well on her way we are living during one of my favorite seasons. I love the cool crispness to the morning air, the approaching holidays (Thanksgiving and Christmas) and the beautiful color here at the foot of the Appalachian Mountains. Autumn (a much better word than fall) is a wonderful time.

One of the things that strikes me is how God makes the trees so pretty and lets the leaves show off right before they die and fall to the ground, and then they sit there, a beautiful blanket adorning the ground, a reminder of how miraculous the trees looked not long before.

While the leaves fall and die, the tree remains alive, it just goes into hibernation mode to await Spring and the new leaves that it will bud, the new grandeur it will have.

We are like trees. Right before our abuse we are beautiful, we feel invincible, we could even be living to our full potential. As creatures of God, we are gorgeous. Then WHAM- abuse (of any form) happens and we shed our beauty. We move into hibernation/survival mode. We are bare, empty of what gave us our beauty, our joy.

Yet, like the trees we don't have to remain bare. We can choose to bud new leaves, to be reborn, to see the beauty in our lives, that God sees all the time. Abuse is like winter, it is cold and harsh. But, we don't have to live in winter forever. We can move into spring. We can be reborn.

It takes time, it takes work, and it doesn't happen overnight. Yet, in the end we can full of beautiful green leaves, we can be joyous and have an amazing life. It is our choice. It is the most courageous choice. It is easy to wallow in winter, in self pity. It is easy to feel sorry for ourselves. It is hard to take the steps and move on, but even a snow lover like myself doesn't want winter year round.

Gather up your courage, see the beauty around you, and then see that you too are beautiful.

Lessons from the Journey

As I prepare for the birth of our daughter I was watching a video on the epidural procedure (which I plan to use). I'm not afraid of needles, but still it doesn't look like fun. The only good part of labor in my way of thinking is the end result, finally having our daughter in my arms. I deal with a lot of pain associated with my RA, and I've dealt with physical pain from my rape and abuse. I've also deal with emotional pain: grief when loved ones die, abuse, fear, loneliness, etc.

I'm not a fan of pain. I know the military says that it is "weakness leaving the body", but I don't seek it out. Pain of any sort is not fun. It hurts! It can be scary, and it doesn't always go away with a magic pill or a shot.

Yet, as much as I don't enjoy pain I see that it is in the painful times, the hard times, the scary times along my journey that I have had a chance to grow. I can become stronger if I allow the pain to draw my closer to the Lord. If I remember to ask, "Lord, this hurts and this is scary and this is no fun. Please be with me, please help me rely on You to get me through."

So far no pain I've experienced has killed me (though I tried to kill myself in 2002 to escape it, but God had other plans), and I have grown. I'm [hopefully] wiser now. I do know that I can get through. I have also learned that I can't do it on my own. I need a lifeline. When I'm really hurting, when it is really scary I need someone to talk to, a hand to hold and squeeze, I need that reminder that pain is temporary.

As scary and painful as what you are going through is, it is just temporary. It may be that you, like myself have a disease that affects daily life and it isn't going away, or you may have been abused in some form, or you are dealing with the pain of grief. As harsh as it all is, and it is harsh, I'm not minimizing it, it is just temporary.

If we choose Christ, if we say "yes" to all He offers we know that a reward for a faithful life is Heaven, and in Heaven there are no more tears, there is no more pain. God takes that away and it is vanquished forever!

That is the hope I hold when I'm dealing with the pain of life, when I'm having flashbacks, or I ache, or I grieve. I focus on my Savior. It is the only way I know of to recover from pain, to know that it is temporary, that with Christ's help I can overcome, for He already has and is just waiting to help, just waiting for me to ask for it.

Have you asked for HIS help? It is the best and most productive thing you can do to get out of the dark hole you may be in.

I've Got Joy!

Right now I am sitting all cozy in my bed, with my husband beside me (asleep) and our cat curled up at my feet. Our little daughter is kicking away in my uterus. It is a pretty idyllic start to a Friday, a blessing indeed.

10 years ago, heck 5 or even 3 years ago I could not have imagined that I'd be able to enjoy such mornings. My rape took so much away. The girl I was before died the night of my rape. Out of the ashes I had to be reborn, I had to figure out how I was going to navigate, to survive in a world that was suddenly no longer safe.

At first I thought I was beginning to make a new life, and then I saw the true nature of my bf and I allowed myself to plunge into the world of abuse, where I was stuck for far too long. What I thought was living was really just getting by.

Finally, I left the situation. I saw a Bible sitting on my shelf, dusty and unread. I opened it and it fed my soul. The love of Christ reached out to me. I then went on a journey. I had been raised in a Christian home, I was working for a Christian organization, but still I hadn't made Christ my own. I had to discover for myself that Jesus was true.

My journey was fascinating and in the end it led me to so much peace. It was not a quick journey, but it was what I needed. No longer was I getting by, but I was finally taking the steps to becoming a rape and abuse victor. No longer was I "the girl that was raped". I was "the girl that Jesus loves". My whole outlook changed, how I identified myself changed. No longer was it an event, but it was God that gave me my identity.

Slowly God developed inside me a heart for others that have been there, that are there. Others that are traveling the road of rape/abuse experience. I want to show people that God wants to give us our identity, our value, and His joy.

Here I sit all cozy and surrounded by those I love, awaiting the birth of my daughter Yet, beyond the walls of my home are 1000's of women that need Christ, 1000's that are hurting, from a 1000 different hurts.

We struggle to find the answer, the solution to our pain, when it is just a prayer away. Our answer is contained within the Bible. It is a Savior on a cross. It is that same Savior coming down, resting in a grave, only to emerge victorious, alive and able to handle all that life has. It is that Savior saying "Come to me all who are weary and I will give you rest."

-JLP-

You DON'T Deserve it!!!

One of Satan's biggest lies that he tells women is that we deserve what we get in life. That what is thrown our way is just. He uses the karma lie. Whatever is happening to you must be deserved, you must have done something wrong, it is fate that you are dealing with this.

This lie is perpetuated and blown up for many women that are living in abusive situations. Many of them really do believe the lie, they believe that it is their fault when their partner abuses them, that they provoked it, or disobeyed, or did something and the abuse is earned.

Another fallacy for many women in abusive situations is that this is just how life is. All guys are like this. These women were most likely raised in homes where abuse took place, and that is what they know. It is reality for them.

Both of these situations are lies and come straight from Satan. I know my Sophomore year of college when I was living in an abusive situation (and abuse can take many forms, it isn't always physical) I thought that it was what I deserved. I also told myself "well at least he isn't hurting someone else. I can handle it, I can't handle if he hurts one of my friends."

My thinking was screwed up. But, I had to own and believe that I deserved better before things would change. The abuser most likely will not change. We can pray for them and hope that they will, but most likely unless the woman owns that the situation is unsafe, that it is wrong, there is no impetus for him to change. I had to be the one to leave, I had to own it.

Just like all other women have to. It is scary, it is hard, and it is in a way humiliating. It hurts our pride to admit to ourselves how low we are, how low our self-esteem is. The first steps are always the worst.

But, the truth is simply: NO ONE DESERVES TO BE ABUSED... NO ONE!!! We are all beloved creations and children of God, the King of Kings. We are all royalty. He sees each of us, and He loves us. He wants to give us joy, peace, security, happiness, all the things that abuse steals.

God is consistent, He is patient and loving. You don't have to fear His moods, wonder what will happen tonight. You can let your guard down when you are with him. He also wants to show you that there are so many wonderful people out there that want to help, that want to love you.

There is a man (or woman) out there that God has for you. One that will treat you like the precious person you really one. There is some one out there that you can be with and not have to fear, someone that is a joy to come home to, that can bring real laughter to your soul, healing to you. Abuse is not right, abuse is the antithesis of love.

Choose to take the steps (I know they are scary, I've been there) to leaving the situation. Open yourself up for love, joy, and a life that isn't lived in fear. It is the hardest, most wonderful thing you can do for yourself and for your kids (if you have any).

-JLP-

Finally, Not Afraid (Or At Least Not Much)

The minutes, hours and days right after my rape were the most terrifying moments of my life. Each minute seemed to drag on and on. Each sound was something scary, and even during the day there was not enough light to scary away the monsters.

Now, almost 10 years later, I love to sit in my home, in a darkened room (but not totally dark) and listen to the rain. I still like having a light in the hallway, and I make sure that I'm never w/o protection. Still, I can say that my fear level has decreased drastically.

There are many other things that I can do again that I wasn't able to do in the wake of the rape and abuse. I'm not afraid of the doctor (granted I take my husband with me and he is always right there) and I don't have to sit in the back of the room (so that I can see everything and everyone). I have worked hard to overcome the fear and anxiety brought on by my experiences.

I think the biggest hurdle of all for me (and for MANY other rape survivors) is to overcome the fear of sex. When sex has been used against you, as a weapon for the other party to exert power, dominance and control, it is easy for sex to become a scary thing.

God created sex to be joyful, fun, creative, intimate, exciting, feel good, and to be within the confines of a loving marriage relationship. Rape is none of those things (well, one could argue that my rapists in their sadism were creative). Rape is Satan taking one of God's most precious gifts and turning it inside out and upside down.

It takes time, prayer, and trust in your partner for a survivor to be able to turn sex back to what it is designed to be. For me it meant finding the man that God had for me. With my husband I can fully enjoy sex and I don't have to be afraid. I know that my beloved cares and won't do anything to harm me, that my pleasure is as important to him as his own. That is pretty powerful. It is freeing to know that I don't have to be afraid.

In the Bible Jesus says "Do not be afraid." Jesus is our night light, our protection, our guard. When we run to Him he takes care of us. He has already defeated the scariest monster, DEATH. Everything else (from His perspective) is a piece of cake. I find it comforting to know that my fears are valid, that He doesn't laugh at them, but He helps me to overcome them.

It has been a long road, but I can happily say that while I do have an exaggerated startle reflex (which my hubby loves!) and there are things that scare me, I know that all I have to do to pray and Jesus will take care of me. I don't have to live in fear anymore, if I live in Christ.

YOU don't have to live in fear. Take hold of Jesus' hand and He will help you take the steps to overcoming, so that you too can say that you are not afraid!

-JLP-

Flashbacks are More Than Just Memories

We all have memories, and we can all remember the bad stuff that happens. It is there, etched permanently onto our brains. It resides with us. As the days, weeks, months and years go by, the memories fade, but they are never totally lost. At least not the really horrific ones.

As hard as it can be to remember the painful events, the fear, the nausea, the lack of control, the helplessness, there is something that is even worse than a memory. Many victims and survivors of rape (and abuse) have to deal with flashbacks. The APA (American Psychological Association) defines flashbacks as:

Flashbacks are considered one of the re-experiencing symptoms of PTSD. As the name implies, in a flashback, a person may feel or act as though a traumatic event is happening again.

A flashback can vary in severity. A flashback may be a temporary occurrence, and a person may maintain some connection with the present moment. On the other hand, during a flashback, a person may lose all awareness of what is going on around them, being taken completely back to their traumatic event. Similar to a dissociative episode, during a flashback, a person may also lose track of time.


Basically during a flashback you feel like you are back during the time of the trauma. It isn't just that you are remembering it. You are THERE. It is dibilitating. It is scary, not only dealing with the flashback, but also the fear of them.

It can get to the point that you go through life wondering where you will be when the next one strikes. Will you be home alone or out in public?

Luckily there are ways to help minimize flashbacks. Many patients have a trigger. For me, it is the smell of the cologne the men were wearing that night, or seeing a man that resembles the bf that abused me. I have learned to recognize my triggers and to deal with them so I can minimize the severity.

There are lots of ways to cope. The biggest step is to tell someone, enlist help. A burden shared is a burden lessened. I have also learned that I need to find something to help me stay in reality, for example holding onto ice. I get so focused on the cold that I lose focus on the flashback.

The ice may not help you. Your therapist can give you many other coping strategies, and you have to find what works for you.

Just take heart! Just as you survived the rape or abuse, you can survive the flashbacks. As horrible as they are, it is not real. You survived and your mind is playing games with you. Pray, ask the Lord for help. Turn to Him, He loves you and He will get you through each flashback, just as He got you through the original trial.

Flashbacks are more than just memories, but they are not the real thing, you survived.

Where WASN'T God???

When bad things happen, when we don't understand what is going on, we tend to blame God. We ask, "Where was God when __________ happened?" Most assuredly that question has been asked in regards to the terrorist attacks of Sept. 11, 2001.

Yet, as natural as that question is, and as important as it is for each of us to realize how God works, there is a better question to ask. The better question is to ask, "Where wasn't God when _________ happened?" For you see, God is in control and God is everywhere.

God was in the Twin Towers, guiding THOUSANDS to safety and holding up the towers so many people could get out. God was at ground zero guiding search and rescue workers to the locations of buried survivors. God was at the Pentagon holding the fire back, reinforcing walls. God was on flight 93 giving courage and peace to passengers and allowing them to call family members.

God was there, holding us and protecting us all as we mourned. He was reminding us that evil is only temporary. It is drastic, it has eternal consequences, but evil's presence on this earth is only temporary.

God was there when I was raped and then when I was abused. God was there when you were hurting, when you were scared. God is there now, waiting to be invited to help and comfort you.

God WASN'T in the lives of the terrorists. They had already said NO to Him.

Here is the secret! God is in control and the ending, the conclusion of all this pain and suffering is that Jesus wins. We have been given free will and we use it to hurt each other. So few use it for God's glory, but in the end God WILL get the glory. Satan and evil will be cast into Hell forever, and those of us that have chosen Christ will get to live in a new Heaven, walk around a new earth.

It will be a place of nothing but glory. No sin, no pain, no fear. Just reigning and praising the Lamb, the good, holy and perfect one. That is the hope that we have. Knowledge of how this ends, trusting God to continue to work it all out, that is how America will continue to heal and grow.

Personally, grabbing hold of the rope God is offering you, the peace that comes through a relationship with Christ. Knowing Him, that is how YOU will heal from the pain you are enduring. There is nothing like hope to lighten a dark day. Nothing like sweet anticipation of joy, of laughter to help heal a broken heart and spirit.

God wasn't in the lives of those that chose evil, that chose to say "No thanks" to His Son's gift. But God can be in your life. Will you let Him in? He stands at the door and knocks. He is there. Let Him in.

-JLP-

What We Control

One of the biggest lessons that I've learned as I reflect upon my rape and abuse is that I'm not in control. I'm a victim of circumstance. We all are. Call it fate, evil, whatever. Something that you learn if you or a loved one is dealing with abuse of some form is that we don't control our circumstances.

We can do everything right. When I was raped I thought I was safe in my own apartment. I was living on campus at a Christian university, I locked my doors, I had 2 roommates. I should have been fine. I wasn't. I was brutally attacked by 2 strangers. Raped, sodomized, beaten, mocked, and put through the paces by 2 sadistic men.

When I was abused I never knew when my bf was going to be drunk. It could be 2pm and he'd be wasted, or he'd wait till late at night to start drinking. Yes, I chose to stay even after the first incident. But I felt trapped, and as later events proved I wasn't in control of the fact that even after his abuse was reported, he was allowed to stay on our dorm floor, no legal repercussions! I certainly didn't choose that!

I'm not in control. You are not in control. At least not of your circumstances. BUT you are in control of your response, your attitude. No one but you can decide how you will react to your situation. Are you going to live in self-pity and shame? Or will you make the decision to be a survivor, a victor over your circumstances? Will you choose to see the joy in life?

We may not be in control, but we can know the One that is. We can know that God is waiting to hold us with His arms open. God hates how we use our free will to hurt each other. Yet, He is a loving God and refuses to give in and take our free will away. He wants us to love Him in return. To use our circumstances as reasons to run to Him, in good times and bad.

Ultimately good will prevail. God is in control and the future is clear. The present may seem murky, but the future is clear as day. God is good and good wins. Satan loses, evil loses. Take heart.

Choose to let God heal you, rest in His peace, in His love, in His care. It is the best decision you will ever make.

-JLP-

A Tear Made Lake

One of the things we all learn is that life is full of tears. There is so much out that that seeks to rob us of the joy that God wants to infuse in us. Not only is there: rape, abuse, murder, kidnappings, but there is also death. The deaths of those that we love. No one gets out of this grand adventure alive.

There is enough heartache that we could make our own tear filled lakes with our life time of tears. It is hard. It's been hard from the time that Adam and Eve were cast out of the garden. We try to keep our loved ones close, to protect them and to protect ourselves. We shy away from the pain.

Yet, it is in these times of trial, in the heartache that we are most open to God, most vulnerable and willing to let God love us. So, use these times. Use the trials to draw closer to Him. But then in the celebrations don't leave Him behind. Invite Him into those as well and you will see just have gorgeous they really are.

The hard times are less hard with God, the celebration are more celebratory and all the in between is more peaceful. By not living with Christ you are denying yourself so much. It took me years and lots of pain, fear, disillusionment and frustration to realize that Christ is the answer.

Not matter how much you are hurting God wants to help you. God will take your load. God will bring light to the darkness engulfing you. God will make beauty from the lake of tears you cry. You just have to let Him. That is one of the amazing things. He is God, and He doesn't want any of us to perish, but He loves us so much that He lets it be our choice!

Cry those tears, be honest with how you feel, let it out and then let God show you the beauty of love and refreshment.


"The LORD is my shepherd;
I shall not want.
2 He makes me to lie down in green pastures;
He leads me beside the still waters.
3 He restores my soul" Psalm 23: 1-3a (NKJV)

Not Worthless!!!

“I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.”
John 16:33

When I was first dealing with the aftermath of my rape and abuse I felt totally abandoned by God and worthless. If God loved me why didn't He protect me. Obviously what I had been taught was wrong. I wasn't all that important to God. I was just another human, just one of BILLIONS to roam this earth. God had more important things to deal with than my problems.

I was mired in self-pity, fear, shame, anger, confusion, doubt and abandonment. Yeah, I was like many victims, maybe even you! I put on a mask. I went about my life. I even kept going to church because that was what I knew. Yet inside I wasn't buying it.

I was too busy dealing with being raped to begin to recover from the rape. I met a boy and when he was sober he made me feel special. To him I was worthwhile. But he wasn't sober often enough and when he was drunk he was mean. But, I figured if he was hurting me he wasn't hurting someone else, and what else was I good for?

One night he attacked my best friend. It was that event that woke me up. I spent the night actually reading the Bible. I read about Rahab, Ruth, King David, and Jesus. I saw God's plan. It was then that God said to me, "Child you are not worthless. You are my precious daughter."

I saw once and for all that God has been working throughout history to show each of us just how important we are. God values and loves each individual. The night I was raped, God was there hurting for me and for the evil the men allowed in their souls.

God takes us where we are: prostitutes, widows, adulterers, murderers, victims, celebrities and He says "I have a bigger plan for you. I want to show you my love. You need it so very much. You are mine."

God loves each of us so much that He died in our place! Not only did he die, but read about how and you will see love and just how priceless you are!

Yes, in this world there is pain, fear, confusion, shame, guilt, darkness, and a whole lotta bad stuff. But we can overcome it by clinging to the promise of Christ. He already defeated it all, and He offers each of us hope. Hope is what I needed most to begin to recover from rape. I needed a reason to go on.

I found that God doesn't see me as worthless, He sees me as priceless. There is no length He won't go to show me, to show YOU! This world has trouble, but after our lives our over we face a glorious future! It is ours for taking, and you know what, there is nothing like hope and security to begin the process of healing.

I encourage you to seek God, to seek Jesus and through Him begin to heal.

-JLP-

Music- Heals the Soul

One of the things that I have always known is the power of music. I grew up with a mother that loves to play the piano and sing. Now, I didn't inherit her talents (sadly), but I did inherit her love of music. Music is a balm to my soul.

When I was dealing with the aftermath of being raped, and then when I was dealing with an abusive boyfriend I escaped in my music. Music took me away, it spoke to me.

There is so much healing to be found in songs about Christ. Christ is our rock, Christ is our everything. He is the anchor in the midst of life's storms. If you are dealing with a pain that is greater than you think you can bear, go to youtube.com and type in some key words (When I Don't Know What to Do, Sorrow, etc) and up will pop music that will feed you if you allow it to.

God has given us music. It is used all the time in the Bible. There is a whole book in song (Psalms), songs/poems that (mostly) King David wrote to express his joy, sorrow, fear, misery, worship, praise, and need to be close to God. Music brings us closer to God. We are told in Revelation that we will be doing lots of singing up in Heaven.

So, if you are facing a dark day right now take a moment and listen to some uplifting songs and sing! It doesn't matter if you have the talent of Kelly Clarkson or of me, sing and let yourself soak in the joy that can come.

-JLP-

Tough Enough

"God is my strength and power, He makes my way perfect." 2 Sam. 22:33

One of the things about me is that I wear my emotions on my sleeve. I'm genuine, and if I'm feeling it, you are going to experience it. This is good and bad. Good in that it keeps me honest, bad in that there are times when people don't need to know how I'm feeling.

I'm not the type that is going to go looking for a fight, I'm going to avoid them and avoid confrontation. I've got a tender heart, I root for underdogs and I can't stand the ASPCA commercials because I want to adopt all the pets. I love easily and get hurt easily.

But, I'm not weak. I have an inner core of strength that keeps me going no matter how hard I get knocked down. I may not seem tough, but I'm emotionally tough enough. I learned that with everything that transpired beginning Feb. 2, 2002.

We all are tough enough if we learn where our strength comes from. Whether we face the world with tender hearts, or we have a leave no prisoners behind approach (neither is better) our strength at some point will fail if we are not tapped into Christ.

No matter who we are life is going to throw us into some pretty yucky circumstances, but each time we face them and survive we grow and we gain just a little more strength. God shows us that with Him we are tough enough, so that when the next trial comes we know that we can get through it. It may not be fun, but it won't destroy us.

-JLP-

A Rape Survivor, Not a Victim

I was reading through some of my blogs earlier and I realized that I started this blog almost 5 years ago as a way to show other rape and sexual abuse victims and survivors (and yes there is a difference) that life does goes on, and it can be really great. Yet, I haven't talked much about that lately at all. This has become just more a diary. I want to get back on track.

Rape and sexual abuse (and abuse of any kind) is a MAJOR life event. It isn't something that happens and you can just put behind you. In February it will be 10 years for me, and there are still days when I'm haunted, there are still repercussions I deal with.

On the other hand, it isn't something that has to define the rest of your life, it doesn't have to be a pit that you fall in with no way out. It is possible to no longer be a victim, but to be a survivor. You CAN thrive after abuse.

To be blunt, abuse SUCKS! That thought should be obvious but it needs to be stated. Having to deal with abuse is awful, it something that no one should ever have to deal with, but all too many of us do.

You may be wondering how to move on. You may read this and think that it is impossible to smile again, to laugh, and that living joyfully after all that you experienced is just a joke. You are grieving for what happened, and that is natural, and good. Grief is a part of healing. So is anger- anger at your abuser, anger at yourself, anger at the world.

Let yourself grieve, let yourself be angry, be honest about how you feel. Most importantly find someone to talk with. It doesn't have to be a professional (though pros are the best-ok so as one I'm biased, but still...!), talk with a pastor, talk with family, talk with a friend. Just find someone. By sharing you lessen the burden you are carrying, you take away some of its power, and you regain some.

Realize that becoming a survivor takes a lot of time. Be patient, but also find ways to bring back happiness. At first it may feel forced, but bit by bit, day by day you will see that you are moving on, that you feel less of a victim and more of a survivor. The bottom line is that you were shoved into this horrific situation, and now you have to chose what to do about it. You have to chose to be a survivor, to do the hard work. It is easier to wallow in fear, grief, anger and pity. It isn't fair, but it is what it is.

The light at the end of the tunnel is joy, it is peace, it is being able laugh again, to smile, to have an amazing life. You just have to take one step right now, just one small step. Be honest about what happened and chose to deal with it. Say to yourself, "This happened to me. It sucks, life sucks right now, the outlook is bleak. Life can change though, I chose to work to get better. I chose to survive."

Praying for you and your journey. If you need a list of resources, someone in your area to talk with, let me know. You didn't deserve this, you are God's child.

-JLP-

Dimly Lit

"Your word is a lamp to my feet and a light to my path. (Ps. 119: 105 NKJV)

For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the Lord, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope. (Jer. 29:11 NKJV)

Looking at a calendar and thinking how quickly the days have come and gone since May 25 when we learned the "official" due date of baby is astounding. Already baby is at about the half-way point. It is exciting and scary. A whole new chapter in my life and in my husband's life is starting, a chapter that will in many ways last the rest of our lives (though it will have sub-chapters).

Not only that, but we are looking at my changing jobs. No longer will I work for a large corporation, doing work that pays just above minimum wage, and is awful on my health. I'll be doing what I love, working with children. It will be a home based business, and I'll have to find my own clients if we want to make it work.

Starting a new business at any time is scary. Add on starting it in the midst of becoming new parents, and the fear factor sky rockets! Yet, it is the direction we believe that God is leading us, and the verses I quoted show that God is in the lead and His plans are for our benefit. He wants the best for us. We could stay doing what we are doing, but that's not how God moves people.

God doesn't want His children to settle for good enough to get by. He wants to lead us to a future that is filled with peace and hope. Peace doesn't come from just getting by. It comes from knowing you are safe, your bills can all be paid, and you have a bit of a safety net.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not preaching the prosperity gospel. I don't think that if I read the Bible, pray, and follow God's leading I'm going to wind up driving my kid to school in a BMW. But I do believe that God wants us to know and feel cared for. To look in the bank and see that we have enough for what we need.

God also doesn't reveal everything at once. God is a lamp to our feet, He shows us just where to take the next step. God has a broad plan, but most of the time He only shows us a little bit. That is where faith comes in. We have to trust that if we take the step (even if it is scary) that the lamp will go with us. Up ahead it may be dark, but we have the light to show us where to put each foot, and when we get to the curve, the lamp will be there to help us navigate it.

Our path may be dimly lit by a lamp, but it is a lamp that never goes out, and it is a being held by the one that knows where He wants to take us, how we should get from point A to point B, and He knows that if we trust and follow Him, point B will be amazing. So yes, new chapters are scary, but if we follow Christ the scary is negated by the excitement of anticipation and trust.

-JLP-

A New Home

Yesterday was my parents' anniversary and I was talked to them and they described their day wandering around Bozeman, MT I was struck with just how long it has been since I've been to WY and MT, where I grew up. Not only has a lot of time gone by (2+ years now) but a lot of life has happened in those three years.

Last time I was back home I was just a third of the way through my Master's degree, I was single and I was still trying to figure out what I wanted to do and where I wanted to live after grad school. Central Virginia was just going to be a temporary home for me.

Since then I have finished my degree, met a guy, dated him, got engaged, got married, and we are expecting our first child. Not only that but I've made the Shenandoah Valley my home. It isn't a temporary place for school, but it is where my family is going to be raised.

Wyoming and Montana are what I call home. It is where I was born and raised, it holds a special place in my heart. I can picture the mountains wtih clarity, and I can close my eyes and take a virtual drive through towns and across mountains.

Yet, Virginia is my adult home. Virginia is the place that my kids will call home. When they are adults it is the place that they will picture, it will hold the memories for them. Wyoming will just be a state that they visit, a place from my stories.

The last thought that struck me was that no matter where I call home, I'm not really home. Earth is just part of our journey. As a Christian my real home isn't anywhere on this globe. It is in Heaven. We are just travelers on this land. Christ is up in Heaven right now and He has prepared an amazing place for us, a place that will only take a moment to behold and we will feel right at home.

As I was starting to get homesick I reminded myself of this truth. I should be more homesick for Heaven, my true home, than for Wyoming. God has given me a gorgeous place, wonderful in-laws, and a comfortable abode to raise my family, so as I journey on toward my real home, I plan to enjoy planting my roots here, while showing my husband and kids why Wyoming and Montana hold a special place in my heart!

Where do you call home, and what makes it special?

-JLP-

To My Dear Child

Dear Baby,

Once again I find myself wanting to talk with you. There is so much that I want to share with you, and someday maybe you will read all of these letters, and you will get a glimpse of how much you are loved. Not only by your Mom and Dad, but your heavenly Father loves you more than even we can.

I have so many prayers and dreams for you. I hope that you inherit your Dad's immune system. As much as I battle my RA and my almost defenseless immune system, I am comforted knowing that most likely your Dad won't catch whatever bug of the month I have.

I also pray that you grow up to be kind, meek and gentle. This doesn't mean that you are a doormat. It means that you have a quiet strength. It takes more strength and courage to turn away from a fight than it does to let your fists do the talking. Kindness to all is very courageous.

The journey that your Dad and I took to meet each other was a long and windy one. I pray that your journey is full of just as many life lessons, but that they are easier learned than ours. Listen to your elders and learn from the mistakes of others so that you don't have to experience the same pain. Trust me, you will make enough of your own!

Most of all I hope that you develop a heart that loves the Lord. Our God is amazing. His love is infectious, His mercies are new every day, and His forgiveness is quick and all encompassing. But just as wonderful as all that is, so too is His righteousness and judgement. He did the hard work by dying on the cross, now it is up to each of us to accept His gift. If we don't, we are guaranteed an eternity in Hell, and Baby- choose eternal life, not eternal death.

There is so much more to share. I have the stories that I grew up on, the stories of your great-granny Burton, the stories of Mama Kremensek, and my story. Your Dad has just as many from his family to share. We want you to grow up to be proud of who you are, proud of where you came from.

Remember this one last piece of advice. There are 2 types of people in this world. There are honest people who understand that God expects us to work and earn our keep, and there are dishonest people who expect to be given everything. Valor, respect and character come from being the first.

I love you my child. Take care and grow healthy these next 18 weeks. We can't wait to meet you, to hold you, to love you, but for now I leave that to God as HE continues to knit you and form you within my womb.

Love much,
Your Mom

The Pace of Life

I was just reading a blog by a friend whose husband is deployed. I also read today's blog entry by my friend whose husband went to be with the Lord 14 months ago. Between those two blogs, and taking time to reflect upon my own life I have realized (once again) just how quickly time flies.

The shifts at work seem to drag on (and on and on), but the days are just zooming by me. So much has happened in the last 365 days. It is amazing that it has only been 1 year.

1 year ago I was dating a wonderful man, living on the other side of the Blue Ridge and working as a housekeeper.

Now I am not only married to said wonderful man but I am working (almost full time) and we are half-way through our first pregnancy! That is a lot of change in a short time. It required moving across the mountains, planning and having a wedding, finding a job, settling into married life, and oh yes getting pregnant.

Life moves so quickly. The days pass before we are ready. I think it is more important than ever to find those moments where we can just be still. Jesus knew the importance of being still.

Jesus had a mission, and He knew he would only be here (on Earth) for a very short while, and yet in the midst of it all he would go off and be still, rest and just be with the Father. After these times Jesus had the energy and spirit to deal with the pace of life, the pace of his mission. We need to be imitators of Christ.

If we are to live effectively in this world, if we are to do what the Lord requires, we need to work hard, but we also need to rest.

Are you taking time to rest? It may be just the answer you need to get everything done!

-JLP-

Dear Child

Dear Child,

Hi! Right now you are resting in my womb as Christ is busy knitting you together. You are growing and while we are not quite to the half-way point yet you are almost there. So far a lot of growing and forming has taken place. Not only for you, for your parents as well.

In the past 17 weeks we have been busy preparing ourselves for your arrival. We can't wait to meet you and hold you, to kiss you, hug you, count your fingers and toes, and take care of all your needs. You are our first, and a joy.

I do feel like I should warn you of some things. As overjoyed and in love with you as we already are, we can't protect you from everything. We will do our best with the resources God gives us each day to provide for you what we can. We can promise to smother you in love! You will not want for affection! Eventually you will probably get tired of us telling you we love you, hugging you and kissing you.

We are trusting God to provide what we can't. We are trusting God even now to provide a medical provider, to help you grow healthy and whole in my womb, to knit a baby that will grow up to love and serve Him.

On that end, we are dedicated to reading to you from HIS word, to praying for and with you, to raising you in a church that loves and serves our Lord, that will help us to raise you to know HIM.

In the end it will be your decision to choose or reject Him. It will be your decision to choose your attitude each day, to be obedient, respectful and loving. It will be your choice what you make of yourself. Life is full of responsibility, full of choices. Life can be a struggle. It isn't easy.

Life is also amazingly wonderful! There are so many little joys to be found, you just have to choose to find them. Life is full of big joys as well. You will learn to read, write, do math, play sports, you will pick a career, you will meet someone, and hopefully like us, you will chose to have a child.

But that is all FAR in the future! For now, we are just anxious to meet you. To lavish on you the love that we already have. Oh, and what goes on during LABOR is normal, so just hurry up through the birth canal please!! I'm just glad that while I'll probably remember the experience, you won't have to!

All my love,
Your Mom

From a Thankful Civilian

Dear USA Military Family,

I just want to take some time to thank you for your voluntary service, dedication and love of our country. Each service member joins up for an individual reason, but underlying all those various reasons is a love of America. I can rest each night, I can go to work, church, and hang with friends because I know that there are so many wonderful people fighting for my freedom. Thank you.

The news, blogs, and websites talk about the recent deaths of 31 service members. I hear some of them were from the SEAL team that brought about the demise of OBL. Whatever their job, it is tragic to know that 31 more coffins are coming home. Arlington is filling up fast. Too many families and friends are having to grapple with death. For those families and friends I pray.

Yet, each military family knows what COULD happen. We all pray that it doesn't. Yet, we as a country are involved in so many things. We are sending troops to Iraq, Afghanistan, Korea, and the Mexico/US border (just to name a few). It is all done voluntarily. I thank each of you, service member and family member, for your dedication, for being willing to pay the ultimate sacrifice to protect this country, to give to the next generation something better than what we have now.

And, what are we doing for you? As a country, we need to treat our current and former military members better. Our VA's are understaffed and over crowded. We need more doctors, nurses, counselors and staff members trained and hired to treat the physical and emotional wounds that come with your dedication, your job. We need to pay you a wage that is fair.

America for all her greatness, and she is still great, even struggling. But, America for all her greatness has the wrong priorities. Athletes and actors are elevated to near deities & making more money than can reasonably be spent in 3 generations while those that serve: teachers, police, firemen, and military members are struggling to make it month to month. Those that serve shouldn't have to also worry about providing the basics for their family.

America is wonderful because here we can say what we want (even if it is unpopular), we can be who we want to be (even if people don't understand us), we can go where we want (when we want), we can choose to worship whomever iwe want, and we can do all this because 200+ years ago a group of people understand how important human rights and freedoms are.

Those beliefs and a willingness (though not an eagerness) to lay it all on the line to defend is what makes our military amazing. Thank you. And may God protect you and guide you. May those of us here in America see the need to make changes, to fight for you as you fight for us.



Sincerely,

A Thankful Civilian

Prayer... As Vital as Air

Pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective. James 5:16b

I have always been a big fan of prayer. I love to pray. It is something that I can do anytime and anywhere. If things are slow at work, I can pray and the time goes by quickly. If I am happy, I can share my joy with my best friend. If I am scared, I can give it to God and know that I don't really have anything to fear. The God of the universe is protecting me.

One of my most things to do when I pray is to pray for people that I love. During times when I feel helpless and wish that I could do more to help people I love, I know that I can take the burden to the Lord. As James tells us, our prayers are powerful and effective, because they are being heard by God himself.

Something else I am learning to do is to pray for people that I don't necessarily like. Just because I don't like them doesn't mean God doesn't love them. God loves everyone and the more I pray for them the harder it is not to be infused with God's love for them. God gives me His eyes, His heart. I am (and so are you) called to love everyone. We are all His creation. It isn't easy, but it is the right thing to do.

I could go on and on about prayer. There are so many ways to pray and it is such a vital part of a Christian's life. It is our connecting to God, our life source. There are times when we can be doing 20 other things and still praying. There are other times when we need to be more intentional, go into a special room, or kneel and block everything out and just focus on praying (and listening).

I also think it is a good idea to keep a prayer journal. Reading it through it and seeing how God answers your prayers is a good way to bolster your faith. We will not always be on the mountaintop. There will be times when we need a reminder, a boost, and seeing old prayers and knowing the outcome is a great way to do just that!

So, what are ways that you use prayer? Do you have a favorite room, or favorite verse that you love to pray?

-JLP-

All Who Wander Are Not Lost

"In your unfailing love you will lead the people you have redeemed. In your strength you will guide them to your holy dwelling." (Ex. 15:13 NIV)

The dog was panting in the backseat, and when she wasn't panting she was barking. I was getting more frustrated by the minute and the temperature (in the a/c controlled car as well as outside) was rising. But, I kept it because I had told my husband I would. I knew where I was, I just didn't know where my destination was. I followed the directions my DH gave me, and I even pulled out the handy GPS program on my cell phone. All to no avail.

After a couple hours of exploring the city I gave up. The dog was refusing to the drink the water I had wisely provided and she was getting on my nerves as well as getting overheated. I was wasting gas and just wasting time. I wasn't going to find the dog groomer. I tried, but it just wasn't too be.

So, we came home. As I was recovering from the stress of the morning I began to think. My walk with Christ can sometimes look like my morning. I know where I am, so I'm not lost. I know that I am safe and secure in Christ, but I don't know how to get to where I need to be. I wander aimlessly. I use tools that should help, but they turn out to be false.

I may not be a lost soul, but I'm still wandering. I'm looking for answers, for a blinking neon sign that plainly points me to where I need to be, and I get frustrated because I don't find it.

A lot of Christians are like I was today. We are wandering because we do not know where we are going. We know that Jesus loves us and that He saved us, but beyond that we are clueless. We are clueless because we are in unfamiliar territory. We do not spend enough time in His word, talking to Him, getting to know Christ that we are aimless. We are prone to wander.

Just as having my husband with me as a guide would have solved my problems and saved me from any wandering today, having God by our side and being in tune with Him will save us from wandering aimlessly through life.

CONFESSION TIME

There is nothing quite so cleansing as confession. God requires it for forgiveness, and it frees the soul and makes us feel better. Once the problem is out in the open, no longer hidden it is much less of a burden. So in the spirit of confession I have one.

All my friends know me as kind of a neat freak. I like things tidy. I have a place for everything and everything belongs in its proper place. I don't like messes or clutter. I just don't. It isn't me. I find when my home is clean and organized I'm more relaxed and easier to get along with.

Well, if you were to walk into my kitchen you would see that more dishes are waiting in the sink to be washed than are in the cupboards. It is disgusting and a mountain to tackle tomorrow evening. Yes, it is bothering me, but lately I'm just so darn tired that it hasn't gotten done, but that is an excuse. I need to put on my big girl clothing and just clean it!

What confessions do you have? What secrets are you harboring that need to be aired?

-JLP-

Attempting to Write a Psalm!

When darkness of the soul consumed me, when the Devil tried to use stress, fear and worry to consume me and drive me away, I made sure I was tucked safely in Your arms. For You alone oh Lord can deliver and protect me. It is Your name alone that causes Satan to tremble and flee. It is Your power that delivers us from trials.

I was scared and You were there. You answered my cry O Lord. You gave me peace in place of worry. You gave me strength for the journey and family to help carry the load. I will praise You, even in the darkness, for You provide the only light.

Nothing is beyond Your power. Nothing is too difficult for You to accomplish. What seems like a major hurdle to us, is just a stepping stone for You. You know the way, and You promise to guide us, we just have to listen and follow.

When life threatens to overwhelm me, when I am sinking in the quicksand of stress You are the lifeline. You teach us and guide us, and through the trial we become stronger and even more dependent upon You and Your amazingness.

Thank you Lord, for always loving, guiding, sheltering, protecting and saving us. Thank you for forgiving us, each and every time we sin. Thank you for being You.

Amen.

Psalm 3:5

“I lie down and sleep; I wake again, because the LORD sustains me.” ~ Psalm 3:5

I was perusing some blogs I follow and I came across a friend's blog and she had this verse at the top of yesterday's entry, so I am going to borrow it. I don't think she will mind. I find that the more I ponder this verse the more I love it, for it encapsulates everything for me.

There is so much truth in these 13 words. The Lord is our salvation, but He also sustains us. We can lie and down rest because the Lord is in control. The verse talks about peace. Being able to sleep means that we can get to a point, because of the Lord where we have peace.

Not only do we have peace, but the Lord provides us slumber. Slumber is needed. It is a time of renewal and regeneration. But, it isn't something that lasts forever.

We wake, because we have jobs to do. God has commanded us to share His love with others. That is a hard task. People these days are so blinded by the work of evil and darkness, by complacency that showing them the light takes strength and stamina. Yet, this verse shows that God will sustain us, God will give us what we need.

Finally, the Lord is the one in charge. He gives us just what we need to go on. We may not be overflowing with energy, but we will have enough. God will carry us through, and when we feel like our strength is failing we can turn to verses like this one and remember that we rely not on ourselves, but on the Lord, it is all done through Him.

13 words, yet a life of meaning, hope and peace! Oh how I love how God works!!!

What verses have captured your heart this week?

-JLP-

Why I Write

"It was the best of times, it was the worst of times." "Call me Ishmael." "Four score and seven years ago..." "When in the course of human events it becomes necessary..."

As a writer I have a (not so) secret desire to pen words that people will read and recognize for centuries. It boils down to my knowledge that I am mortal, yet I want something I do to transcend mortality. I can't sing very well, my piano and violin skills leave something to be desired, and I am certainly no Michelangelo or Picasso. So, what do I have to outlive me, I have the words I create.

That is part of my motivation to write, but just part of it. Like other artists, I am compelled to write and share my thoughts. I have to get it out. Without being gross, it is like vomit- once it is there, you have to let it go, it isn't staying down.

Finally, the Lord has given me a story to tell. I do not always make the right decisions, I veer from the path and I have struggles. I've faced many dark days and even blacker nights. I've also been to the mountaintop and seen many a spectacular sunrise. It is because of this that I know God is there. I want to share this feeling, this knowledge with others.

I know God is here because I was protected, because I'm here. There have been a few occasions in my life when my life should have ended, but God said, "I'm not ready to call you home yet". I know God is here because I see Him in every part of creation, from the colors of sunrise, to the weeds, to the crazy animals He created, to the way humans are created.

I know God is here because I see Him in all the good that is in every day. Yes, we live in a hard time, and it doesn't seem to be getting better. Jobs and money are scarce, our culture is a pit of glee for Satan, and natural disasters happen all the time. Yet, there is so much good too, we just get so mired in daily life that we fail to see it.

Just as an artist has a myriad of reasons why he creates, I have a myriad of reasons why I write. I may never write immortal words, or I may (and they just may never be read), but I still do it because I have to. All this to say, I write because it is a big part of who I am. I'm a writer.

-JLP-

American Culture

Growing up I was never accused of being a workaholic. Because I LOVE to read and write I know to spend some down time, how to relax. This is a good thing, but just like everything else we need to learn to do it in moderation. Life is about moderation. Do you want to look good and be healthy? Eat in moderation- have healthy sized portions, and allow yourself a small treat now and then. Do you want to be fit? Exercise, but don't overdo it (there is such a thing as too much of a good thing).

There is only 1 thing in life that we shouldn't do in moderation, and that is our Christian walk. We should be all out, zealous for God and for sharing His gospel (good news) of salvation with the world. Our love for God should know no bounds. We need for Him should be off the charts.

I've been wondering for awhile why our culture is such a slush pit. It finally dawned on me that the answer is that we have turned from God. Such a simple answer, and one that should have come to me YEARS ago. The Christian life isn't about a bunch of "do's" and "don'ts". It is about love. God loves us and sent His Son. We in return accept this gift and demonstrate our love the best way can, our actions.

It is like anything else. The people we love we treat with respect, dignity, honesty, loyalty, trust, fairness, faith, joy, etc. We do this because we see that is how God treats us. With fewer and fewer people choosing Christ, fewer and fewer people have the example of how to live.

If we want to rescue our culture we need to go back to loving God. Love God, serve Him, and it will spread.

-JLP-

His Name is Good

"For what you have done I will always praise you in the presence of your faithful people. And I will hope in your name,for your name is good. " Psalm 52:9 NIV

I just learned that my Grandma is in the ICU 2000 miles away. Yet, as hard as it is to be here and not be able to be by her side I can still praise God. The Psalm talks about praising God no matter what. The Psalm was penned by David, during the time when King Saul was seeking David's destruction. David feared for his life, yet he still praised God for even when our circumstances are bad, God is good. We have hope because God is good.

I have even more hope than David, because I serve a risen Savior. David knew and loved God, but God had yet to send His son (in fact Jesus is a descendant of David). We now have the whole story. We can see how God was working through His chosen people. We can trace God's goodness.

So, yes, even as I pray for my Grandma and wish that I could be there. Even as I try to fight worry (God tells us not to worry, so I have to obey) I know that God is good. For all that God has done (and continues to do) I will praise Him. His name IS good. His mercy is everlasting, and His grace is all that I need.

-JLP-

Praise God!

““Ah, Sovereign LORD, you have made the heavens and the earth by your great power and outstretched arm. Nothing is too hard for you.” Jeremiah 32:17 NIV

No matter what is going on, no matter how crazy the storm, no matter how confusing the times, we serve (whether we realize it or not) a living God. As the verse states, God created EVERYTHING, and the God that creates mountains, seas, monkeys and fish, creates and loves you and me. Nothing that we could ask of Him will scare Him, will threaten Him, or will be too hard for Him to handle.

This verse is such a comfort to me. When I get overwhelmed with everything that is going on, all the changes, all the responsibility, all that I want to change, I remember that I need to give it all to God. He can handle it with ease, and He will take the load, so that I can get through with grace.

Today I woke around 3am. I read for awhile, and then as the sun started to come up I sat out on our front porch and just marveled. I marveled at the beauty, at the gifts that God has given to me. God has given me a comfortable home in a safe neighborhood, family nearby, all that I need to raise my family.

God has also given me Himself. He gives me all that I need each day. He gives me more than that. He's given me strength, faith and endurance (and many other traits that I picked up through my trials). He's given me a heart for others and an ability to be in the midst of the storms and still see the joy in life. That is all Him. Praise God for those gifts!

God is such a giver, He lavishes us with gift upon gift, with blessing upon blessing. Even in the hard times, we have Him and that is all the gift we need to get through. The going may not be fun or easy, but we can make it. Praise God!

So, as I fight this wannabe migraine I can still marvel at how blessed I am, because I am child of God. And with God, all things are possible, and nothing is too difficult. I can lean on Him. Praise God!

What can you praise God for today?

-JLP-

Trimester #2

We did it! I'm not sure how I survived, but baby and I have moved into trimester #2. So far baby is healthy and I'm not really showing yet (not a bad thing!). For awhile there I didn't think I was going to survive, there was nothing left in me to throw up, yet somehow baby found stuff and out it came!

And, for those of you that are considering pregnancy I am going to be kind and warn you of some things! You will thank me. First of all, you pee all the time! Yup your baby may be the size of a tiny peanut, but already the hormones and craziness of getting pregnant means multiple trips to the water closet. And, if you don't get pregnancy sickness (I refuse to call it morning sickness, that is a lie) consider yourself lucky. For a couple of MONTHS I was throwing up all the time.

I still do a bit, but not all the time (PTL), and so far no weird cravings! Yes, I'm very excited and I love my child with all my heart. I read it stories, and I talk to baby, and I pray for baby. I am just sharing some pregnancy facts.

And, not to get too personal, but yes my sex drive has changed (and we will leave it at that). This is not all bad for our marriage, it is just life. I think that in any marriage the sex drives of both people will fluctuate. We are not static creatures. And, change keeps us on our toes and keeps life interesting.

Trimester one was a lesson, a trial, exciting, wonderful, awful, weird and so much all at once. The emotions are all over the place. Now, to see what trimester 2 brings! Hopefully more baby pictures and the answer- Baby E or Baby Z (girl or boy)!

Happy day to all!

-JLP-

PS- what was the biggest surprise to you during your first trimester?

Thy Word is a Lamp

Today we flip our calendars from June to July. We are well into the summer season, and a myriad of Americans are gearing up for all the 4th of July festivities that will be going on around the country this weekend. It is a time of celebration, of coming together, of relaxing with good food, friends and fireworks.

Amid all this hustle and bustle (a lot of work goes into relaxing!) it can be hard to make ourselves take a few minutes, but I find that I have to. I am the kind of person that loves introspection. I'm a thinker. I like to ponder things.

Lately I have been pondering life. This should come as no surprise, after all I do have a bun in the oven, and I think about our little baby, and pray for the baby. Yet, I also think about my life. I think about where I am, what I am doing, and the road I am on in this journey.

Growing up I think everyone assumed that I would be a teacher. I love kids, I'm good with kids, and I love to teach, to help young minds grasp new concepts. It is exciting to be on the discovery with them, to know that in a small way I am helping them grow, I'm showing them the way.

I even spent 4 years training to become a teacher, and I did teach for awhile (high school not elementary, so already I veered off the path I imagined for myself) and then I took a turn. I left my home state, I drove all the way across the country and I landed in Virginia, working my way through seminary and earning a degree in Pastoral Counseling.

I saw myself using this degree in many different ways. It could enhance my teaching, now that I have a better understanding of how the brain works, of the role of emotion and the psyche. Or, I could work with people that are struggling with PTSD. I especially have a heart for military families.

Right now, I'm married, pregnant and I'm a cashier. Two of the 3 things I pictured. I love my husband (he is a huge blessing from God), and I'm excited to be a mother and for us to become a family of 3. Yet, I never pictured myself cashiering, especially not with the degrees I have.

It isn't that it is a bad job, or that it is below me. Oh no! It is just that I want to do something where I REALLY help people. I want to use the gifts God gave, the degrees that He allowed to attain. I also want to be able to better provide for my family, to be able to afford to travel to see my family, to give my child a lot of what I had growing up.

I am doing my best to find the path that will get me to where I yearn to be. I know that it is close, yet the underbrush of surviving daily life right now is blocking my path, and there is a little bit of fear too. The path I am on right now is cleared, and veering into the unknown is scary, blazing a different trail, even if it is in search of a highway isn't easy, it comes with risks.

God promises to be a lamp, to light our pathway, to be our guide. That is a comfort, but what He doesn't promise is to give us an interstate at all times. It is when we are at the forks, when we are deciding to break off into the braken that we learn the most, that we see just how much we need Him.

I don't know what is in my future. Right now I don't know exactly which path to take. I do know that I need to take a step. I do know that even when I feel lost, God sees me, He sees where I am, and He sees all the possible routes, and if I remain focused on Him his light will guide me. The closer I grow to God the easier it will be to recognize His light, and not be confused by all the shadows.

Where has your journey taken you, and are you where you expected to be? What has been the biggest surprise to you as you look back on your childhood and now consider where you are as an adult?

-JLP-

Nat'l PTSD Day

Yesterday was National PTSD Day, a day for the country to gain awareness about Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. It is a problem for SO many people (including myself), and it is very misunderstood.

Part of the problem is that the media doesn't it, and television writers don't take the time to check their facts. PTSD is the new buzzword, everyone wants to use it, but no one wants to take the time to learn about it. The cop dramas are the worst. For example, I was watching a show a couple of months ago and the police officer was quoted as saying " I showed up to the victim's house and she was showing signs of PTSD..."

Well, the victim had just been raped, she couldn't be showing signs of PTSD! PTSD is POST traumatic stress disorder. You can't be diagnosed unless the event is at least 30 days in the past. From day 1-29 it is ACUTE stress disorder. To learn this all anyone has to do is pick up the DSM (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual, aka the Bible for psychologists and therapists) and look it up. Takes less than 5 minutes.

I know this is a small thing, but learning what PTSD really is is important. By learning about it we can learn how to help people, we can learn how to cope, and we just become better informed citizens.

-JLP-

I Can Only Guess...

I love to write and I have always dreamed of being a poet or a song writer, but those are not gifts that God has given me. I am more of a prose person. Yet, I can admire the words penned by the great song writers. One of my favorite songs is " I Can Only Imagine" by MercyMe.

The truth of the song rings loud and clear. We can only imagine what Heaven will be like. God has given us glimpses of Heaven, but what we can imagine and glean from those glimpses is nothing compared to what Heaven is really like.

Heaven is where God has chosen to rule and reign, to make His home. When we get there we will first have to face judgment. Not for our sins, because being Christians we are forgiven and our place in Heaven is secure. But we will have to give an accounting for how faithful we were, did we live for Him, did we show Christ how thankful we were for our salvation, and how much we worked to help bring others to salvation?

After our encounter, where I fear we will all be humbled, we will enter the realms. We will see loved ones, meet the saints of history, walk past the crystal sea as we find ourselves drawn to the Throne Room to fall and worship our Lord. It is then that we will shout "Glory! Praise Jesus! Alleluia! Holy! Holy is the Lamb!"

There will be no more tears for us, we will be too busy for that. Too busy in the presence of our Lord.

I also think our questions will be answered in time. We will find out that God does indeed have a sense of humor, we will find out just what certain passages in the Bible mean, and we will know if Adam and Eve had belly buttons!

I can only imagine how we will fill the days, weeks, months, years, millenia. I can only imagine how amazing it will be. To be surrounded by the glory that is God, to be with the souls that love and serve Him, to meet the angels, to see unblemished, untarnished beauty, to get to worship my Lord and learn what true worship is. Heaven is a wonderful place!

I can only imagine a dim view of Heaven, but I know that someday my imagining will be over and He will call me home, till then I pray for help as I journey through life and try to earn a "Well done my good and faithful servant, welcome home!"

-JLP-